all my feels

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have a problem. I like to stuff my emotions down inside of me and pretend like they don't exist. Well, at least the "bad" ones anyway. And by that I mean emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, loneliness and a plethora of other negative adjectives. Truth be told, those feelings aren't "bad" at all, they're merely just feelings. We just don't like to feel them because they're not fun.

I don't like being angry. Anger and frustration make me feel ridiculous and it's hard to act with a cool head when you are experiencing a hot temper. I have said a lot of things I didn't mean when I've been angry, and I just got tired of it. So I stopped. I've watched how angry people act and I don't want to be that way. I've watched how others will react to anger, and it's just messy. No thank you, anger. See you later.

Instead, frustration reveals itself in my life with tears. Yelling makes me feel self conscious, so I just let the tears fall. I get lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I'm experiencing and I allow myself to become overwhelmed. Through the years I have discovered that talking helps, even if the person I'm conversing with doesn't really have anything to respond with. Just a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold are sometimes enough for me. Writing also helps me process, even more than talking might. I'm not looking for answers when I blog, just an outlet to spew all over the page and get everything out in the open.

But through a series of conversations with a counselor at church I've come to find out that the reason I cry so easily is because I don't deal with my feelings. I experience them for a little while and then I shove them down in this steaming pot inside of me. It bubbles and gurgles, but I just keep adding fuel to the fire. Right now I'm upset about the whole situation with TheBoy, and I don't know how long I'm allowed to be hurting. So instead of dealing with all the things this breakup has brought my way, I just put them in this pot and slap on a brave face.

I want to be mad, but I fluctuate back and forth on that matter. In a sense I can't be mad at him. He did what he needed to do for his mental health. And at the same time I'm so angry about it that I just want to punch something, but instead of heading into the woods and screaming at the trees, I just hold it in my abdomen and refuse to confront it. I want to yell and cry and throw things at him, but what good would that do anyone? He has enough on his plate, why add my feelings to the mix? 

And I'm sad. I'm so sad that this future I was starting to let into my mind disappeared. TheBoy would always include me in his future when he spoke about the things that might happen in distant months, even years sometimes. I was so hesitant to include him in mine though, because of what happened with PC. Slowly he started to insert himself into my life anyway. I would talk about future travels and he would often ask if he was included. It made me start to feel safe with him, it made me start to consider that maybe he was planning on sticking around after all. That's when I made my fatal mistake and let my guard down. 

In the end, he couldn't deal with the commitment right now. He didn't want to get hurt again. He doesn't want to feel the way that I feel right now. And who can blame him? Feeling heartbroken sucks. So I put on a smile and I go about my day like I'm fine. Like I'm getting over it. And I am, I think. 

I know from experience that these feelings will go away eventually, but that I have to feel them first. I just wish that skipping steps was possible, so that I didn't have to feel anger and frustration before I could experience acceptance. It's hard to go day to day trying to forget about someone that you let yourself care about an immense amount only to spend the whole night dreaming that you were back together. 

Knowing that he left the door open for the future makes it even harder. Especially because this whole thing was not my decision, but I'm left with having to figure out whether I keep that door open or shut it myself. When I confronted TheBoy about whether or not he left the door open on purpose he looks at me like I'm stupid (but not in a condescending way, if that's possible) and says "Well, yeah!" 

And but why? Why would he do that? You can't have a relationship breakup that is "permanent for now" - his words, not mine. You can't have your cake and eat it to, although I've noticed that's what a lot of guys want. So in reality, I have to shut this door in order for me to move on and be happy in my life. Is he just saying that so he can come back if he doesn't find anything better? Because I am not playing that game. As stuck up as it may sound, I'm awesome and I deserve to be with someone who thinks so too - not someone who thinks he has to "settle" for me. Not that I think this is necessarily how TheBoy feels, but right now it's hard to tell. Not even he knows what he wants at the moment, which is the reason for this breakup anyway. 

It's just unfortunate that there's so much baggage that comes up when two people decide to split. I decided to let TheBoy inside, knowing that this would be the consequence. Making yourself vulnerable to another person affords them the ability to walk away from you at any time and take a piece of you with them. Granted I haven't had many boyfriends, but TheBoy was the best one so far. I don't think I ever told him that, but it's the truth. And now it doesn't even matter. 

Just like my feelings. 

I'll wade through them. I'll journal and I'll process and maybe I'll even get the courage to sit in my car in an empty parking lot and yell at the steering wheel for days just to see if it helps me feel better. It's not only time that you need in order to heal, it's a will to move past all the things that have hurt you and a courage to face a new day with a heart that won't give up. 

I know that right now I have no idea what I want and that this next year will be full of life altering decisions. It's both insanely frightening and completely exhilarating at the same time. Although honestly I think right now I'm just more scared than anything. 

and just like that it's over

You guys, something terrible happened today.

This weekend turned out nothing like I had hoped it would. And it kills me to be here writing this now, but I feel like if I don't write something I'll never be able to move forward. Words are so hard to find right now, but I'm going to do my best.

Some things in life will never stay. One moment you will be happy and the next minute it will feel like someone pulled the rug from underneath your feet and knocked the wind out of you.

I am so at a loss for how to feel. I keep trying to put words to my emotions, but mostly I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry and then I'm not. I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do.

I'm angry because of the timing. Because of how it happened. Because I was in too much shock at that moment in time that I didn't know exactly what to say and I spent the whole car ride home crying and thinking of words that should've been said. Air that should've been cleared. Feelings that should've been expressed. But you guys, even now I still don't have good words.

Part of me knew this was coming. I mean, it had to happen someday right? Because I can't be happy forever. Just now that it's here, even though I tried to brace myself for it, it still punctures pretty deep. January is the worst month in the history of ever. Three consecutive Januaries have brought break ups with them - and none of those break ups were my idea. I have no control.

And I wonder if I should have fought harder. I wonder if I should've stayed in town tonight and been around in case he changed his mind. But I don't think he's going to. I think this is it, and here I am, by myself to start another year.

Except that it's not all about me. And TheBoy needs to take care of himself before he can be ready to deal with any girl - not just me. Even though I understand this, that doesn't make this situation hurt any less. It doesn't ease any pain. It doesn't bring any comfort. If anything it just makes it harder, because I want to be there for him and he doesn't want me.

I have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are only temporary. That with time my wounds will heal. I know that I was really starting to fall, more than I had let myself like anybody else in a really long time. I knew how dangerous that was for me, but little by little he was working his way inside. Hesitant at first, it wasn't really until recently that I slipped farther and farther in like with this boy.

But I knew that it would have to end someday. I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. I was wrong. I just know that he makes me laugh and that it's easy to get along with him. I just liked being with him, I didn't really need anything else. And now that's all gone.

There's a quote I've read a couple times in different places, and I don't know who said it, but I keep coming back to it. "If you are happy with the wrong one, just think of how happy you'll be when you're with the right one."

I don't know who my right one is, but I'd like to find him. I'd like someone who thinks I'm important. Who's willing to fight for me. Who thinks I'm worth it. I'd like to find someone who will love me and prove it to me every day. I don't know how I'll find this guy, but I know he has to be out there.

TheBoy is not a bad guy. I'm only mad for now, but not forever. And I hope that he can figure out what he needs to and become the best man he can possibly be. It's been a rough month. I want it to be summer now. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.

Lift Me Up

I've only recently discovered this band, The Afters, and so far I can't get enough of their music. I have their Light Up The Sky album now, and I've been listening to it on a loop. My favorite song on this album so far is Life Me Up. The lyrics are powerful and they really just kind of meet me where I am on my walk with Christ right now.

There are a lot of things that aren't perfect right now, and my heart is definitely still so incredibly broken. But I do know that even though my hurt is so big, God is so much bigger and he will take care of me no matter what. It's not often that I really get preachy on my blog, and really, overly preachy blogs just kind of irritate me. But I have to tell you, I don't know where I would be or even who I would be if I didn't have a might Savior to have my back every step of the way.

Even when I'm mad at Him and even when I screw up so royally I don't know why anyone would love me, He is there. I can't always feel him, and sometimes I think He's left me, except that in reality I'm the one that moved. My journey has not been a perfect one, and although I grew up in Christian household I have still had a lot of struggles. I think really that everyone has had a lot of struggles, and I'm not really special in that way.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. Over and over again, I just let it happen. I'm not happy with my life right now, and there are so many things that I want to change about it - but some of those things are just way beyond my control. The hard part is letting Him take care of everything.

A lot of people give up on "the whole church thing" when they turn to God and still experience pain. He doesn't make everything hunky dory, nor does he promise that your walk will be easy. Christ followers still have the same struggles that people who do not "believe" have. We fail and fall short and mess up just as much as everyone else, and we all feel like we can be the biggest screw ups of all time. But we're not. We're normal. But He is always there to watch out for us, to care for us, and in our struggles He makes us stronger. He lifts us up.




You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Small Injustices

I've been really good about not posting, huh? July has just been full of things that I don't really want to put out in cyberspace, do you know? But really, lots of things have been happening, I'm just not quite ready to talk about them.

And I haven't been really taking a lot of pictures, so I can't really fall back on a wordless post chalk full of images that do all the talking. Sorry about that, too. So, what have I been doing? Well, walking, for one. Cooking. Cleaning. Re-arranging. Hanging out with new people. Discovering new things about myself and about other people in my life.

Oh yeah, and I'm being taunted mercilessly by those people who are supposed to be, you know, my family. Do they ever just think it is absolutely hilarious to send me pictures of all the fun they get to have and all of their new toys.

It was funny at first, actually. My dad was posting pictures to Facebook of their trip to Kirkland where they were hanging out with my aunt and uncle in the middle of the woods. He talked about grilling dinner, smelling campfire smoke, and being with two of my favorite people. And. I. Hated. Every. Second. Of. It. I seriously wanted to be there so bad it hurt, but I work on Saturdays and that makes doing things over the weekend REALLY HARD. But guess what? Everybody else gets to work during the week, so their weekends are free. Cue emanating death rays of hate.

Oh, and then TheMechanic texts me about getting to eat pie. He actually sent me a picture of the stupid thing for the 4th of July - which I actually spent with PC who wouldn't even move off the couch to come outside and watch fireworks with me. Seriously, the LAMEST 4th I think I've ever had.

Then, DP texted me they were going camping. At Big Hank. Which is my favorite, just so you know. And do you know that I wake up in the morning and walk outside into the sunshine and I can just smell all of the plants and the fields and my heart just aches to go spend the night in a tent. I want to go camping SO BAD. And they never tell me when they are going so I can never plan to go with them.

And finally, TheKeeper sent me a picture of his brand spanking new Apple computer. I officially hate my entire family.

Okay, so I don't really hate them, but I'm seriously tired of everybody getting to do incredibly fun stuff and get new things and then tell me about it all while I'm stuck here in stupid Moscow too broke to go anywhere else.

The icing on the cake you ask? Even PC got asked to go camping with his friend for a weekend. My feelings couldn't have been more hurt.

Deal: Explained

Last week I did the 6 word memoir, so this week I'm going to explain it.

If you hang out here in my corner of the internet often enough you would know that January was quite a painful month for me, and February wasn't much better. A certain Mr. Prince Charming and I ended up calling it quits after just over two years and I was really quite down in the dumps about it. I quit eating, I had no motivation to do anything, I really only wanted to hang out with my mom, and I spent an inexcusable amount of time crying my eyes out.

It was one of the absolute worst times in my life, and I really honestly thought it would never ever end even though everyone kept telling me that it would take time. Time! I thought that time would never end! I figured everyone was just crazy and that I would be stuck feeling like that forever and ever amen.

You see, I'd spent the last two years building my life around him because he said he would never leave. He promised that he would always be there for me, through thick and thin. And I believed him. Walking out of that relationship ripped my heart clean out of my chest. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know who I was or even where to start to begin to even figure that out.

I was completely and utterly lost without him. Words cannot describe the intenseness of extreme heartbreak. You can try to explain it, but unless you've really been there you honestly have no clue what it's like. I kept waiting for something to happen. For my motivation to come back. I kept waiting to be happy again, but I felt like without him there it wasn't possible.

We decided to take a month where we wouldn't see each other. At first we weren't going to talk to each other, but hello, it's me and the big PC. We really don't know how to not talk to each other. But we did make good on not seeing each other. No more eating together, no video games, no trips to the mall, nothing.

I didn't want to go through with it. I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore, and I desperately wanted to know what I had done wrong. I thought in that month he would find someone new and forget all about me and then, well, where would I be?

What I didn't realize is that during this month I would spend time with my friends. You know, those people I'd been neglecting in my state of wallowing in self pity. I bonded with my roommate. I watched TV with Zelda. I lost 15 pounds. I went out for pizza and movies with a guy from work. I ever so slowly started to figure out who I was again.

I didn't need him. I am still my own person and I can't rely on someone else to build my identity for me, it's something I have to do myself. You have to be yourself before you can love someone else anyway. That month apart turned out to be something so beneficial to my wounded soul, even though I had no idea what I was in for at first.

I have a new found respect for Special K snack bars, I started taking self portraits again after avoiding the camera for months and months, I went to the gym (on a regular basis! with a friend!), I went out and I did stuff. I studied at the coffee shop because I couldn't bear to spend more time in my dorm room than necessary, and you know what? It. was. nice.

Although I'm really still on the path to discovering who I am, I have a better sense of it now. And I like myself better than I did the last few months of my relationship with Prince. I make more sense to myself now. I'm more comfortable with my flaws, and I know that I will always have people around who love me more than words can describe. Jesus will always be there for me, and so will my parents and family. It took losing him to get myself back. Life is a journey and this is just the beginning.

So you can take me or leave me, but: I am me. Deal with it.

It's Been A Long Day

Being tired makes me emotional. Having a long day with the outlook of an even longer day tomorrow after being tired all day today doesn't help. And feeling sick just adds to the torture.

I don't know how I made it through today and I don't know how I will make it through tomorrow either. I have a bajillion and a half things to do and little to no attention span with which to do them. I'm irrational and dodgey at best, and tomorrow I have students to teach! Minds to mold! Values to warp! You know, all that good juicy stuff.

And what's the absolute worst about being emotional and tired is that it makes me miss having someone to immediately fall back on. Someone who I know will be there for me through thick and thin, through the good and the bad, for ever and ever amen. I miss him. Especially when I just feel like crap and all I want to do is lay around cry.

But I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps, I don't have him to rely on anymore. Sometimes I get so caught up in that thought I can't even breathe, do you know what that feels like? And then I have to will myself to think about something else because in all reality I can't bear to think of my future without him in it. Not yet. I still want him there, even after all that's happened.

(Right about there is where my dad is rolling his eyes and telling me to just move on, because hello? Girlfriend, you don't need him anymore. (My dad would totally never use the world girlfriend though, haha, not like that.) But he is right, and I feel like also he isn't.)

He's right because I do need to move on. And I'm working on it. I'm working through it. But it's hard. It's been a month since we parted, and I have kicked and thrashed and threw a temper tantrum almost every step of the way. I am unwilling to give up or give in - I always feel like not yet! It's too soon! But the longer and longer we are apart, the more I feel like I don't want to be without him.

I don't know how to not feel that way, you know?

Not only have I lost my boyfriend, but I've lost my best friend. I've said that before, but it's completely true. Who did I run to when I had a bad day? Who did I rely on for a hug and a kiss when someone was mean to me? Who held me after I got a bad grade on a test? Who encouraged me that everything was going to work out and be okay? Losing someone who was there for you that much is so difficult.

I know I only blog about this when I am upset, because when I'm fine I find other things to tell you about. But I feel like I keep relapsing every so often, breaking down and just wishing he was there to hold me, to whisper in my ear, to stroke my hair. I wish he was here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be just fine.

Every time I feel like this, I remind myself that Jesus is here and He cares and He knows what the future holds. He is in control and I'm not, even though sometimes I very much wish I could be. I feel like a monkey with my hand grasped firmly on the shiny thing in the cage, and I can't let go. I won't let go. I don't want to let go.

I need to let go.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, you know. I don't know if that scares him. I don't know if maybe that's part of what caused him to freak out. But I didn't start out feeling that way. He introduced that thought into my head when we first started dating. But once I got there, I still don't know how forget about that. About those promises we made to each other.

I realize that yes, people change, and yes, time marches on, and no, nothing will ever stay the same, but for the love of Pete, could our promises please mean something? My heart aches and my head aches and my stomach aches.

I don't want this to be over. I don't want this to be through. I want him. Someday. Soon. I need him. Or at least right now, I feel like I do.

Growing Up

Why do we love people so much?

How can it be that the feeling of someone's arms around you sends your heart racing?

A kiss lurches your stomach in a really interesting and good way.

And how come it takes so long to move on from that person?

Why do you have to move on at all?

You planned your future with this person, but then things change, and they change and you find yourself in a situation where you have to say good bye.

Why does that hurt so incredibly much?

How can you be so mad at someone, and still want to be with them?

Except really there's nothing you can do to change their mind once it's made up, and you just have to let them go.

You're scared to let go too quick, because what if they come back to you? And someone else comes along, but you just can't do it yet. You're not ready.

He touches you, and all you want is for him to let go, because it's just weird and uncomfortable. All you want is that other person back.

I'm not holding my breath waiting. I'm holding up fine, do you believe me?

Most days I'm happy and busy and I can laugh, you know. I'm not afraid to have fun without him. I have my own life now. And he has his.

We have fun together, even now, even though we are "just friends."

But I still love his hugs. I still love his smile.

Except, you know, it's a brand new day today. And I'm going to be okay.

I have lots more good days than I do bad ones, but I feel like I'm still allowed to have bad days. I'm still allowed to miss him more than words can say. I still cry sometimes, you know? I still get upset when I think what was and what we had planned, and how we were.

I think he got too stressed out. About everything. And even though I tried, I don't think I helped him relax at all.

Not dating is something that is good for us, and I hate to admit it, but it's probably one of the best decisions I made.

I hurt and I ache and I feel. But I feel human, do you even know what that's like? I don't feel like I have to be anything for him anymore. I don't feel like I have to keep stuff in check just so that I don't piss him off anymore. I'm free to be myself, and I love being myself!

I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to report to him. I go places and do things and buy stuff. I go out to eat. With my friends. With my friends!!

I had to fall down to build myself back up. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. And I am so broken.

Do you ever notice how after you cry, you feel a lot better? Especially if you're crying while you're writing, and then once you write through everything, it's like this weight just gets lifted off of you?

I have to write through my feelings, I have to put them out there, wear my heart on my sleeve or I am never going to feel better. I will never get over this.

I have to tell you that I don't want to move on! I don't want to date someone else for a very long time. I wanted to marry Prince Charming someday, I really did. And for a while, he wanted that too. And now, now I don't know what he wants. I don't need to know what he wants.

I don't want him to date anyone but me. I want to be his only girl for a long time. It would kill me if he started to see someone else. Partly that is because he has more of me than any other person, he knows me better than anyone else. The thought of finding someone else to do that scares me.

He was jerk the last couple of weeks we were together. And he was a jerk this summer too. Things got better the last part of the first semester, and things were great through Christmas break, but he did not treat me like he loved me when we started school back up in January.

But he's changed since we broke up. He's not a jerk anymore. He's back to being that guy that I liked so much, but we can't be together anymore. Because he is that guy, and he also isn't. I'm that girl, and also I'm not.

We met at ages 18 and 19, and now we are 20 and 21. We changed a lot, and we still have changing to do. And even though I miss him and I miss everything we once had, I'm learning to live my life without him.

I still talk to him, a lot. Probably more than I should, but he does have this way of making me feel better.

He told me not to wait for him. He told me he might not come back. It hurts to hear that from him. I want to hear that he loves me and just needs time to be himself, but actually hearing that is going to help me move forward.

Heartbreak is never easy. Separation is always difficult.

But at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be alright. I have lots of people who do love me and care about me and will always be there for me no matter what. And even though I wish with all my heart that he could be one of those people too, only time will tell.

Surprise Trip Home

I made a quick trip home today. You see, I was up late last night because even though my eyeballs were tired, my brain most certainly was not. My mind was going a million miles an hour, so to quiet it down I watched Teen Mom season 2 online episode after episode after episode until my laptop turned itself off because it over heated. I whimpered a little bit, and then decided it was probably God telling me I should just go to bed.

And then I woke up at 9:30. I was the only one awake, and consequently decided to indulge myself in more Teen Mom while I waited for other people's eyes to open and greet the day. It was 12:30 before anyone texted me, and then I was having a conversation with Prince Charming which was just making me all sorts of upset and sad so I texted my mom.

"I want to come home :("

And she said "Then do it! ;)"

So I did.

I had to get out of Moscow. Everything there just reminds me of him. And based on some things that he's said to me these past couple of feeling-exploration-adventure days where you admit in all honesty how you are feeling to try and work through some of these crazy emotions, I was just missing him too terribly much to bear to go through a day where I shouldn't see him. Where I couldn't see him.

It would just be easier if I could continue my schooling here at home, but none of my classes are online and therefore I must physically be present on campus to get stuff done for school. Major bummer at the moment.

But teary eyed and heaving sighs, I packed up my duffel bag and walked to my car. Whether or not it was the right move, Prince came out and hugged me good bye and told me to drive safe, and also to let him know when I was home so that he would know I was alive.

And then I left.

The drive from school to home is roughly two hours. I cranked up my Imperials music and cried for the first half of the drive. Big heaving sobs. I just had to let it all out, and being alone in my car without anyone else to feel obligated to hug me or give words of encouragement was actually something that I desperately needed.

After I finished crying my eyeballs out, I sang along with some of the songs and thought a lot about how this whole ordeal is really making me feel. It occurred to me that I didn't want to let Prince Charming go, and that last time I had these same feelings.

Which leads me to believe that maybe we aren't meant to be a part? But then I was also thinking, that it's not even been a whole week yet. I need to seriously give it time before I go jumping to conclusions. And also, I hadn't even slowed down enough to try and listen to what God might be telling me.

So I prayed some. But I did most of the talking and not enough listening. It's like I kind of forgot how to listen. So I tried to quiet my brain and just see if I could hear God saying anything. I honestly can't tell you what I heard. I don't know if I was even listening that well. Or if God even spoke. I imagined things I wished He would tell me, but I don't know if I made those up or if it was really Him.

But I am sure of one thing, time will tell. You can always look back and see God's hand in your life even if you don't see what He's doing right now.

I got into town safe and sound, texted Prince Charming and my friend (let's call her Missile) to let them know, and headed directly home whereupon I received a giant Mom-hug. Mom-hugs are some of the best hugs a girl can get. Dad-hugs are just as good, to be sure.

And since I've been home I haven't really cried once. Although I thought about Prince a lot while we were watching 27 Dresses. I suppose it will be a while before I can watch a chick-flick rom-com without thinking of my cuddly past.

I'll head back to Moscow sometime tomorrow, but I wish I could stay here for at least week. Too bad nasty school gets in the way of those plans...

You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone

It's been two days since I called it quits with my used-to-be-charming Prince. We're still working through our issues. Talking it out over instant message and text. It's a process - and that's what sucks.

But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.

I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.

He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.

Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.

It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.

I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.

Or else, I don't know what to think.

When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.

I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.

Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.

I have been listening to this song on repeat today:



Here are the lyrics:

Shocking Similarities and Future Hope

I smell like coffee. But that's probably because I just worked for five hours making coffee drinks and being surrounded by coffee smelling things. I love the way that coffee smells, even if I'm not super big on how coffee tastes.

Prince Charming would always, always, always remind me of how much I smelled like coffee when I would visit him after my shift ended. He is not a coffee person. But between you and me, I think he kind of liked how I smelled when I came home from work.

I haven't seen Prince all day. But we've been talking off and on. Deciding when to meet to give stuff back to the respective owners, who will ultimately come away with the PS3, which as of now is in limbo joint custody. Poor kid. We'll have to send him to therapy. He will have mommy and daddy issues the rest of his gaming life.

But mostly, I've figured out, through some prodding and poking, that Prince Charming is either just as sad about this break up as I am or maybe even more so. I didn't expect that from him, and to see it in writing (texts and IM) was a little more than shocking to me.

You see, I remember when it was him who did the breakage the first time we went down this road. And it was me who was slowly dying a painful death waiting for him to come back around. I don't think things will happen the same way they did last time, but some of the things Prince told me he was feeling just echoed of my earlier heart cringes, and I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.

But I do feel for him. I'm sad that he is sad. I'm sad we have to go through this, but I think it's for the better even though honestly I have moments of doubt.

A lot of things are going to change in our lives. This relationship was a big thing (two years!) and for it to now be so incredibly different, is somewhat akin to culture shock, I think. Things that I used to do so comfortably now are not in the cards at all. It's going to take some getting used to.

And there are things I miss that I really don't want to miss. Things that I wish I could still do that now I can't. But it will get better. Eventually maybe we could be friends again. I hope that we can be. Someday. It would be nice.

Thursday

I suppose part of going through the process of heartbreak is thinking about and missing all of the good things. Hearing something that reminds you of something that sends you back to a time with him and you were doing something and it was fun, and then the tears just brim at your eyes but you're in the middle of class, so really, what can you do?

I think what I'm going to miss the absolute most is laying my head on Prince's chest, watching a movie, while he plays with my hair. Those moments were just so perfect. So incredibly perfect. Everything I could have ever asked for.

I'm going to miss his hugs. A warm embrace to fall into when the world is so mean.

I think what hurts so terribly, is that I chose this. I ended the relationship. It was my decision, you know? I wonder to myself if I could back and change my decision, would I? Was it better to just continue on with the familiarity? To have someone that even though the "romance" was fleeting, he still would be there for me when I really needed it?

I feel like I need him now. I feel like I just want to call him or text him about so many things. I want to fall asleep in his arms because they were always comforting when I was crying. And I cried myself to sleep last night.

It's funny that when you go through a heartbreak, you find out there are so many other people that love you. But unfortunately, all those people that I want to be with, that I wish could hold me, aren't here. And the one person who is, is someone that can't be there for me because I just broke up with him!

I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to get dressed. I don't even want to eat. I just want to lay on my bed and sob uncontrollably until I get it all out of my system. I want to just cry and cry and cry.

And at the very same time I'm tired of crying. I've cried a lot. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how else to be. I want to be with other people, and at the same time I just want to be alone. I want someone to hug me, but I don't know who I want to hug to me.

I want to scream and moan and mope and cry and cover my head with my sheets.

I want to rewind time.

I want to feel differently. I want to hate him. I want to never want to be around him again. But that's not how I really feel. That's not what will really happen.

I'm super sad that I won't be part of his family anymore. That he won't necessarily be part of mine. I'm sad that things had to end. I don't want it to be over, I want him to just hug me and make everything better.

But I don't think that will happen. Ever. This isn't something that you can just magically fix. Although God knows I wish it would all just go away.

The End Of Something Beautiful

Two years is a long time to be together with someone. It's a lot of memories. A lot of shared happiness. A lot of Red Robin Burgers. Bonzai burgers are my favorite.

You know, I have been mostly happy these last two years. Most of the time was filled with smiles and goofy faces. We loved to laugh. And I loved to watch him smile. I loved his laugh when it came from his belly when something was especially funny.

Prince Charming was my first of the real boyfriends. For a long time I thought he would be my only. For a long time I thought that. He used to ask me to marry him, you know. I remember the fourth of July, laying side by side on my front lawn, he whispered it into my ear. And I just wish I could have stayed there forever.

I remember crying when I found out my grandpa died, and Prince burst back into the room and scooped me up valiantly into his arms.

He was such a good boyfriend.

And then something changed. We changed. Time changed. Thing haven't been what they were in that starry eyed beginning, and that's to say that things never are the same as in the beginning. There's just something special about a new relationship. A new adventure.

We passed the two year mark after almost not making it back in November. But things were never the same. During Christmas break my Prince Charming was the most Charming he'd been in a long time, and then we got back to Moscow for school, and Moscow is a big vat of suck.

Prince wouldn't tell me he loved me. I had to argue with him over a simple goodbye kiss, because he just didn't want to do it. I didn't understand. I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but it was continually getting harder and harder.

And today, today I confronted him. My heart was racing. I didn't go into the conversation with the intent to end the relationship, but Prince Charming has told me things and not told me things that you should never or should always tell your girlfriend.

And also, I felt in second place a lot lately to other girls in his life. I don't think I should feel that way.

But also until this evening I had felt there was some semblance of hope lurking on the horizon. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it really might be. I tended to downplay a lot of what happened, a lot of how I was feeling these past few weeks. Mostly because when I thought there was hope, I didn't want things to sound worse than they really were.

And then Prince said something that he can't take back. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore, he told me it was because he didn't enjoy it. And that right there was the straw that broke the camel's back. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't enjoy being around?

That just hurt. That hurt so deep that I just ended the relationship on the spot. It was over. I was done. I am not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not enjoy kissing me, holding me, hugging me or telling me he loves me. That's not fair to me. I deserve someone who will make me feel like I am first place. Who will text me "Good night. I love you" instead of just "Night"

I want someone who loves me too.

I'm not mad at Prince Charming - even though I am extremely heartbroken. Extremely. I feel like he did a lot of things wrong, but I don't feel like I am perfect either. I think maybe we could possibly potentially be friends in the future, but I need some time to grieve for my lost relationship before I let him back into my everyday life. And also, I want him to make the first move towards that because I'm done pushing for a relationship.

I know Prince cares. I know that because he was upset when I called it off. He cried. But the problem is that that's the first real emotion I've seen from him in a while. And that's not okay.

Will we get back together? I don't feel like that's likely right now. I'm not holding my breath like last time waiting for this to all be over so I could have my boyfriend back. I'm upset. I'm frustrated at how I was treated. But I will be okay.

Eventually.

First Some Review

You know what's crazy? New years are crazy. One more rotation around the sun. Twelve new months that have never been experienced before! How fun! What an adventure! And we all know around here that I do love a good adventure.

But before we fancy about what the future holds, let's look at where the past has taken us. This year has been one of its own - that's for sure.

January. 

February. 

March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

When I think about 2010 I think about all the stuff that happened this year. There was a lot of it. And there was a lot of stuff that happened this year that hurt. I can't explain how deep heart break affects you, how much you hurt, how much you want to just forget about it, and how much work it is to move on from heart break. And I feel like this year held the most hurt for me out of any other year I've been alive. 

I know some people have had a great year, and for you, I could not be happier. But for me, I simply just can't wait to start this year fresh. I want to leave 2010 behind as a year that I would rather just erase from memory. We all have had those kinds of years. Some more than others. 

But among my "resolutions" I just want to say, don't worry about losing weight. Don't worry about 'being a better person' or whatever it is that you continually resolve year after year and just do this: be yourself.

The Calm Before The Storm

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life."

I feel so dumb sometimes. I am making so many mistakes. Or at least that's what I'm being told. 

Part of why this is so hard is because I don't understand why this is happening. And no one can tell me the answer to that question. No one. Not even Prince Charming who so desperately needs a new blog name because right now he is not my Prince Charming. 

I don't know how to let go. When I was angry, I could have walked away just fine. But not being angry makes it worse. He's such a nice guy. He's pretty cute too, and I have so. many. memories. 

He's involved in SO MANY different aspects of my life that not only am I losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing a companion in my everyday life. Someone that I would go to for advice, someone that I would talk to, who would listen to me. Someone who cared for me on a deeper level than most people. 

And I don't understand what changed. Did I change? Did I do something to deserve this? 

Why can't I have my boyfriend back? 

Why do I have to feel miserable about this? 

Why does it feel so much harder to part on amicable terms?

Why can't I just hate him and be angry? 

Why does he have to be so calm about this?

I told my mother that I thought if Prince and I ever broke up it would be mutual. This is far less than mutual. 

Prince told me that I have to move on. I have to let him go. I should date someone else before I just decide to stick with him. I'm scared he'll find someone to replace me. I'm scared of finding someone to replace him. I don't want anyone to replace his place in my life. 

I feel like moving away is the best answer, but no one supports me in that. Besides, I don't really know where I'd go anyway. But a huge chunk of me just wants to leave. I want to find new people in a new place where every corner doesn't remind me of him. Everything here reminds me of him. I've been dating him practically as long as I've been going to this university. 

I want to be so strong and I want to just pack up my feelings and put them in a cardboard box in an attic somewhere to collect dust while I go on not feeling anything and I just. can't. do. it. I just can't. 

This week will be good for me, but I know it's going to be one of the most pain-filled weeks of my life. This week is going to be hard and difficult and I'm going to hate every second of it. At this point I just want it to be over. 

But in order to keep me strong, I'm going to blog every day this week. I'm going to blog my feelings, I'm going to cry, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to question the world. But I need to not talk to him. I need to move on. He thinks the answer to us getting back together is for me to move on. 

I think that's code for me to love myself by myself again. But I'm so incredibly frightened....

And thank you Cassandra for the quote. I really hope I make it through this and come out on the other side feeling better. 

A Week For Myself

I think one of the most cliche pieces of advice I've ever heard is "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, it was meant to be."

But letting go of something precious is often the hardest thing we will ever have to do. I mean honestly, how can you look at something that you love so dear and open your hand to see where it goes or what it does?

What if it never comes back?

Ever?

I was fine when I first made the decision to say "to heck with this! I don't care if I date him again!" And then he was nice, and when I saw the real him again, the guy that I like, I was a little hesitant to readily admit that I really didn't care...because I knew that wasn't true.

But my dad emailed me in response to my Flip Flop post. He told me that he thought Prince Charming and I should have a week apart. He said he realized that he wanted to marry my mother when she left him for a week and he pouted around town like he'd lost his best friend. He said Prince and I should have a week of limited interaction and no alone time, and after that week was over if we wanted to get back together we would have his blessing.

You see, my dad likes Prince. He thinks Prince Charming is a good guy. It took some time for Prince to grow on my dad, but almost two years later and it's like Prince is a part of the family.

I think events happen in our lives to teach us things about ourselves. God puts obstacles in our paths to grow us in His ways. I think this thing in my life right now is going to help shape me as a person. I think partly it was designed to help me gain confidence. To re-learn how to be myself, and not define myself by another person.

I can try really hard to deny that I like Princey, but I know that would be untrue. I like him a lot. He's my best friend, and I care about him. And frankly, my feelings are a lot hurt that he needs to take time to decide what he wants.

I keep waiting for him to realize that I'm perfect for him. I'm nerdy. I like video games. I'm really cute. I'm funny. I'm awesome. I'm artistic. I have blue eyes. I have everything he needs all wrapped up in my being. I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, and those are words straight from his mouth.

Which is partly why I'm so confused about why he wants a break. Why would you throw something like that away? He doesn't know the answer. He just needs time to figure it out.

And not that I'm going to end up marrying him for sure for sure because that's a long ways away, but if a week apart from my mother helped my father realize he needed to keep her around forever, then maybe, JUST MAYBE that can work for me too.

I know not all couples are the same, and not every couple works the same way. But I'm going to do all I can to try for something I believe is right. Something that I have confidence in. Something that I think will last.

And I'm scared as hell to let him go for a week. To relinquish email and instant messaging. To not eat meals with him. To not see him from Monday morning until Friday evening. Little to no communication here is the goal. And that freaks me out.

I'm scared he'll not want to come back to me. I'm scared he won't miss me. I'm scared that if I walk away that's the last time I'll see him.

But if it is the last time I'll see him, then he'll have lost one of the most precious assets to his life. He'll have lost one of his best friends.

But that's a risk I'm going to have to take. Because it could come out on the other side, that he missed me terribly. That he ached for me. That he wants me back.

I'm not so terribly naive to believe that a week apart is going to put us back on even ground, but I think at this point I can't just be a sitting duck. I need to take action. And maybe leaving him alone for a week could turn out to be the smartest decision I've ever made.

But I just have to have faith in Prince Charming, in myself, and in Jesus Christ. Because God knows I do love the boy.

"unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life. love shouldn't be one of them."

Flip Flop

When you are busy and surrounded by people is when it's easiest to hide your feelings. There are so many distractions, there is so much to do, and so many people to talk to. There's a hustle and bustle about that you cannot ignore, and so your emotional burdens take a backseat to real life.

When you are with friends, they are good at taking your mind off your current issues. They're funny, they're ridiculous and they make you laugh. They help you forget. They help you move on. They give you a reason not to stay at home and be lazy.

Because, I tell you, it's those quiet moments that are the worst. Standing by yourself in the shower. Laying on your bed skimming the web on your laptop. The empty space. You can feel it all around you.

What I hate is feeling like I've made up my mind. Like I will be set with whatever happens. I tell myself that over and over. If you hear something enough you will begin to believe it. And while I was angry I totally would have been fine with whatever happened.

But then he started to act sweet. He was nice again. He was the boy that I used to know, cute and nice. Friendly. He has a lot of ground to cover though. He screwed up big time this time and I can't just hand myself back over to him.

Not that he's asking me to do that anyway.

But when I'm sitting in his room watching Chuck with him and Poosh, the memories come flooding back. Late nights watching the first season of Chuck on his couch in his living room. His arm around my shoulder, my head resting on his chest...

I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave the room. How can I be so strong when all I want to do is go running back? I honestly believe that I will be fine no matter which way this thing turns out, but I have to admit that I am totally hoping it ends in the not broken up way.

Just, this situation doesn't feel totally. If it was totally right, wouldn't I know it? Or does it never feel right? How long does it take to mend a broken heart?

Sweet Release

I'm not going to go into the gory details that were my weekend. I'm not going to explain in the deepest of depths how I felt each time I lay in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm not going to describe the moments of agony that came with knowing where he was, but not being able to get a hold of him.

What I will tell you is the moment that the switch flipped. He'd been out of reach for hours and hours. I knew who he was with and where he was, but I couldn't get a hold of him and that made it all the more painful. And then, instead of being heartbroken, I was angry. Instantly. I switched emotions. Just. Like. That.

I took all of my things out of his room. The blanket that I was letting him borrow, the PS3 controller I bought and all three of my games. And then I left.

I went to the AAN building to make prints for my class because I hadn't had time to do them on Thursday afternoon. During that time I talked to a really good friend on the phone who lives incredibly too far away from me.

Her boyfriend is Princey's best friend ever.

They went through a similar situation that the Prince and I are headed through. She told me she wished there was something she could do to fix it. But really, there was nothing anyone could do to fix this rotten mess. She told me that her boyfriend had called to re-apologize for the stuff that went on when they took their break.

We speculated that he did this because he saw what it was like for the girl to go through the situation since he's been a super duper awesome person through all of this nonsense.

Actually, all the boys in Prince's hall have been too nice to me while I've sorted through my feelings and picked up the broken pieces. They gave me high fives as I took my stuff out of Prince's room. They hugged me when I cried. They listened to me rant like the emotional wreck that I was. They let me mourn for my lost relationship without trying to give me too much advice, or be too overbearing, or too protective.

They. were. rockin.

After I finished making my prints, I checked to see if Prince was online yet. Because if he was online that meant he was finally back in his room.

What luck.

I had to convince him to come talk to me, because he just wanted me to do it over instant message, but I really honestly felt like the kind of talking I had to do needed to be done face to face and in an unbiased location.

He finally met me on the benches between our TLC buliding and the campus library.

I told him exactly how I felt. I told him I took all my stuff out of his room because I didn't want to be in his life right now. He needed to figure out what he wanted and how he felt and when he was ready to see me again to let me know.

We discussed our situation. His feelings were hurt that I didn't trust him. But he had told me something and then done exactly the opposite. How do you trust someone who's actions don't match their words? I brought things to his attention that he hadn't realized. He'd been very selfish.

Everyone is entitled to some selfish time, to do what's best for them. But I felt like this was too extreme. What was going on was not right. I didn't deserve it. And I told him that.

And then I walked away.

Feeling. Completely. Liberated.

Since our initial talk, we'e spoken online to sort through this mess of a relationship that we have. I had to work hard to get to a place where I didn't care if we got back together or not. I'm there now.

If we don't get back together I will definitely miss it. We have some awesome memories of a great time in both of our lives. We had a lot of fun while we were together, and I will be sad that that is now over. But if we do get back together then we can always make more awesome memories and have lots more fun!!

So I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm feeling liberated. I'm feeling free. I'm feeling inspired to live life again like I want to. I am confident. I am SO HOT WITH MY NEW AWESOME HAIRCUT! I'm in a different place in the world and in life than I was Friday night when I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning and hurting so deep inside.

You know, we're human and we all make mistakes. We make big ones, and we make little ones. We make irreparable ones and we make ones that can be salvaged.

We love who we love and we always want the best for them.

I'm still a little sad that things are the way they are right now, but I know that I'll get through this. I know that when all is said and done I'm going to be just fine.

And the best part is that I don't hate Prince Charming. I don't. I still love him, but not in that 'I need you to come back to me right now or I'll die' kind of way. I love him in that 'I hope you decide what's best for you and I'll be there for no matter what you choose' kind of way.

This is the song I've had on repeat all day:

Do You Remember?

I was sitting on the bus riding to school on Ramsey Road outside the neighborhood where they kept the old folks. I was wearing a pink and purple tie dye shirt and a pair of blue jeans. My hair was dirty blonde and cut jaw length in a bob.

My friend Samantha was seated across from me. The bus wasn't that full yet because we were the first stop, so we could speak freely without having to yell.

"Did you know that they were flying planes into the Twin Towers?" she asked to all who were within hearing distance. I had no idea what the Twin Towers were. I was only 11 years old, just turned 11 actually 11 days before. Or maybe 12 days depending on how you look at it.

It sounded crazy, fascinating, and scary all at the same time. At first I didn't believe her, but I had no idea what was going on. The news hadn't been on at my house that morning before I left for school. I dismissed the question as so many others on the bus had also done.

I went through the first half hour before school started in middle schooler ignorant bliss. I talked with my friends, I made jokes, I retrieved my books from my locker for our Advisory period.

My desk was in the first row on the left side of the classroom. Two desks were behind me, and TJ Barns was sitting in front of me. Our teacher, Mr. Bain, was sitting at his desk in the front of the classroom. The bell had just rang signalling the start of the period, but we were still chattering.

The air shifted when our science teacher, a red headed woman with a small frame and a spunky personality entered the room. She wasn't jovial. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't talking. Silently and somberly she walked passed my desk, passed TJ's desk, and to the front left corner of the classroom where the TV was shut away behind a cabinet door.

She pulled it out, turned it on, and started talking. I don't remember what she said, I don't remember what she was wearing (I think there was a green shirt?), I don't remember what other students were doing, but I remember the images on the screen. I remember the terror of watching people die on the news. I remember the black smoke.

I remember that feeling you get when there is a tragedy, that feeling of excitement and fascination that is coupled with fear and anxiety.

I don't know anyone who died in the 9/11 tragedy, and I can't tell you names of any of my friends who did either. Here in Idaho I felt pretty far removed, but I know we weren't. I know everyone knows someone who was affected by the ill fated events of that September morning.

What I also remember though, is the coming together of a community. The love that was poured out for all those lost and all those who lost loved ones. I remember feeling glad to still have all my family. I remember when we started to forget. And now it's like we don't remember at all except for when the anniversary is here.

But as they say, time heals all wounds.

Where were you?

The Truth About This

I remember what it was like before I knew Prince Charming. I was single, completely unattached to any boy, and I was okay with that. I wanted a boyfriend, but I wasn't searching actively. I didn't go places and scour the horizon for the next guy to walk my way.

I was confident in myself. I was totally okay with being a single girl. I actually felt like I was destined to be single for a long time before I met any boy worth my time.

And then October 2008 arrived in my life. I went to Halloween party and met this boy I thought was ridiculously adorable. I held his hand and he didn't make me let it go.

I talked to him online. And he was so much like me, and yet he was so much more different than me. He had huge brown eyes with eyelashes that looked like they were made to catch snow flakes in winter, or brush away worries from your cheek if he got too close to me.

He was goofy. He made me laugh. He wasn't able to successfully hand me a pumpkin from underneath his chin in a relay game we played at the party on the same team. You know the game, where you have an object you have to pass down the line but you can't use your hands? We epically failed, but laughed the entire time.

He has such a great laugh. Such a beautiful smile.

During the months that followed he changed from the boy I met at the party into a more independent soul of a man. I loved it. I loved him. I loved the way his lips pressed against in the dark of night in my car outside his house bidding him farewell before I left back for school.

I loved holding his hand in the cold weather when we would hike on Tubbs hill before the snow arrived. I loved when he would hold me close and shield me from the wind. It was so nice to have someone who cared about me. It was so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, an embrace to fall into.

We worked together at camp the following summer. I didn't know hardly anyone and being slightly shy, I stuck to him like glue. We were attached at the hip. We were the same person. Wherever he went, I followed.

I was so happy.

The new school year arrived, and we lived in the same building, on the same floor. I think that's where the trouble started. I think that's where we were too much in each other's lives. But I didn't care. I just knew that being with him was the most fun thing.

We would argue over stupid things, but we would each say we were sorry. It wasn't that we didn't like each other, it was the stress of homework, jobs, and life that took it's toll on our relationship. He told me he was going to be there for me through thick or thin.

I believed him.

Our second summer was the worst. We had a long talk on the beach one night after a particularly irritating day. We talked about where we thought this relationship was headed. I asked him if he thought at this time next year would we still be dating?

He told me he didn't think so.

I lost my confidence.

We argue too much. I told him it's because of stress. We decided that when school came around again we would take a short break. And then instead of waiting until school, we tried during the summer. That was too difficult for me. Every day at work there was a visual reminder of a relationship I still believed was salvageable.

During that summer we had many long talks about "us" and our relationship and where we headed. We shed a lot of tears, hugged, and proclaimed that no matter what, we would still be friends. And I looked at him, tears brimming in my eyes and I thought to myself, there is no way I can be just friends with you.

We went to his brother's wedding in early August, as boyfriend/girlfriend because I told Prince that I wasn't going to a wedding for a family I wasn't part of if I wasn't going there with my boyfriend. He told me he would be my Prince-y for the wedding. I asked him what would happen after the wedding. What would be then? Back to just friends? I didn't want to go if that was going to be the outcome.

But he persevered. He said "Well, we'll see how the wedding goes. And if we don't fight too much, we'll stay together afterward." I agreed to that, and went on to have the most fun weekend of the whole summer. With my boyfriend.

We were fine after that. We worked together wonderfully, no fights, no arguments, nothing. It was great. It was fun. I thought finally we had made it through the storm. Finally we could just go back to the way things were before all the ups and downs. We could love each other the way that God wanted us to.

And then we got to school. And all of his buddies were here. And this year his best friend is down here too. And then he started to push me away again. I couldn't understand. I didn't know what had happened to change his mind? What had I done that made him not want me anymore?

How could this be fixed?

My heart was breaking, as it had been doing the entire summer. Band-aids couldn't fix this problem. Duct tape couldn't fix this problem. I just had to figure things out for myself. He's adamant about the fact that he wants to be my friend. He wants us to be good friends before we get back together.

I wondered if we would be the couple that breaks up and gets back together. I look at all the examples in the world, and I look at the real world examples of people I know. My uncle and his wife before they were married, Prince's best friend and his girlfriend even. I have hope.

But I do not have confidence. I am just waiting here, to see what Prince decides. He wants some time to just be him. In November it would have been two years together. I've heard from people when it gets to be around the two year mark, some people start to question themselves or their relationships to see if this is really where they want to be or not. Maybe this is where Prince is. Maybe this is what he's doing.

He just wants some time to be one of the boys. Maybe he just wants freedom to see what else is out there. I don't know what's going through his mind. He's told me that he doesn't want to lose me, he wants me in his life. He thinks we have a chance.

Sometimes I want so badly to believe him. I don't want to let him go. And sometimes I feel so hopeless about the entire situation. But as long as he thinks we'll make it through this storm, I'll keep holding on. There's no one else out there I want to date. There's no one else out there that makes my heart beat fast in my chest when he holds my hands.

There's no one else who's simple smile can brighten my day.

So I wait.

It's Complicated

So here I am. Just me. Just at school. Prince Charming and I may or may not be in a romantic relationship, but who's to judge? Other people have taken breaks and got back together, right? So it can happen to me too right?

Please say I'm right.

I don't want to be wrong.

I can't be wrong.

Not now.

We still talk. We're still friends. There is still a chance. I'm just tired of the ups and the downs and the not knowing what's going to happen next. I did that all summer and when I came to school I thought that was all behind me. I guess it's not.

I'm waiting. Patiently. Biding my time.

It's just annoying to see other couples walk care free on campus and look so happy, and be so in love and here I am, in this mess of a relationship, that I want to fix but can't do it by myself.

You know what I love?

Cuddling.

Yeah, I love that. I love being wrapped up in his arms. I also love holding hands. And walking next to him, holding his hand, looking at things and talking to people.

There is so much that I miss. I miss being able to see him whenever I wanted and not feel like I was intruding. I miss watching movies nestled against his slightly hairy chest (which I love). I miss lots of things, that for now, are gone.

I keep wondering if I should just give up. But I don't want to. I keep wondering if finding someone else would be a better option. But then I can't think of anyone that I would rather be with.

I keep thinking about how great Prince Charming fits in with my family, and how much they all love him, and I know that's something he's scared of losing. He likes my family. Sometimes he feels like we treat him better than his own family does.

And that may or may not be true. I know his family loves him, they just don't show love and affection the same way that my family does. They aren't a close knit family, and my family is. I call my mommy just to hear her voice sometimes, and he only calls his mother when absolutely necessary.

How can two people that are so wrapped up in each other's lives "take a break"? I can't go from being in a romantic relationship to being just friends in the blink of an eye. I need some time to recover. I need some time to think about whether or not I actually do want to be just friends. It's difficult right away, because there is this daily reminder of something I want so bad it hurts and can't have at the moment.

How do you deal with that? I mean, good gravy!

This "break" we are taking, this "time off", this "need of space" is not my idea, I'll have you know. I don't think we need it. I think I am fine. I think he is fine. I think we could be fine, but he over thinks things. He puts too much pressure on himself.

And this is what I think about daily.

He's worried about "how do you know you'll marry me?" when he shouldn't be worried about marriage at all. I think going to his brother's wedding scared him a little even if he won't admit it. I think it got him thinking about the future and about being happy and I think he started putting unnecessary pressure on our relationship.

But the good thing is, we are talking. We are communicating. We are emailing. We are working towards becoming 'together' again. Whether or not it happens remains to be seen. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not single. I'm just in a very complicated relationship with someone who needs to clear his mind and get his stuff together so he can go back to being my wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much.

And I feel like school doesn't help the situation at all. I wish it was still summer vacation. But only the kind of summer vacation where I didn't have work everyday.