in that moment, i was a little girl again

So this last weekend I spent the night with T Lily out at her farm. We watched her brother play pro football Saturday night and then spent Sunday wandering aimlessly through fields throwing sticks for the dogs and lounging about in the sunshine.

T Lily grew up living the kind of life that I dreamed about. Horses, fields, dogs, four wheelers, big trucks, you name it I dreamed about it and she owned it. When I was in elementary school, and even on into middle school too, I would have given my left kidney to own a horse. (Not my right kidney, I like him too much. You know how it goes.) I roamed around our backyard pretending to feed my invisible horses (who all had names and different breeds and how many hands high they stood) and I zoomed down the street on my bicycle which I also pretended was a horse.

I would set up three "barrels" and race around them, changing my lead foot depending on what barrel I was coming around.

But Miss T Lily? She lived it. She raced in the rodeo, where I could only imagine myself in her shoes. I lived and breathed horses for a good chunk of my childhood, holding out hope that someday we would buy some acreage and my dreams would turn into reality.

Once we moved across town, I was 13 and just about to enter high school. I had lost that wide eyed wonder of hoping against hope that I could live on a ranch. I chalked it up to a little girl's horse phase and silently moved on to more "realistic" ideas. Dreaming about living on a farm? For babies! I declared, as I tried not to let on to the fact that I would never get what I wanted.

Honestly, I'd done a pretty good job of forgetting too. I was content with my life in town. With my backyard and dog. I didn't need anything else.

And then this weekend? You guys. I died. I died and I went to heaven and I never ever wanted to come home. It was all I could do to not turn into that little girl again. I had a hard time not getting giddy about everything. I think I asked T Lily a grand total of a bajillion times if I could just live there. Just stay on that farm with those beautiful animals and those wide open fields and those huge trucks forever.

Everyone always told me "You don't really want to live on a farm. It's a bunch of hard work." But they don't understand how I feel when I'm there. There was a sign one time I found on vacation that said "Home is where your heart says 'aaaaaah.'" And if that's the truth, then that farm in podunk Washington was my home. It was everything I had ever wanted and more.

Standing out in the middle of the lawn, throwing a stick for a dog to fetch, breathing in the scent of warm hay and horses, I was that little girl again. I was home.

The Home Stretch Is The Hardest

Dudes, my life has been a flurry of motion lately. And let me tell you just that I am completely exhausted. I was trying to figure out exactly what has been going on with me and I believe I'm in what's called a "funk." Yes, that word just seems to fit perfectly.

I have been down on myself for feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not this enough or that enough and it has just not been good for my self esteem. In fact, it's rightly driving me nuts, because it's silly to think those things about myself. I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, this enough, that enough, you know how it is. I know, I mean, I know. But still I continue to wonder, to doubt, to worry.

I am just tired of school and anything that has to do with school and class and grades. I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do this semester. If I'm not careful, I will drive myself crazy with trying to do everything all at once. The end of this semester is rapidly approaching and I have so much work to crank out that I just feel like there is a boulder dangling right above my head and it's about to fall and crush my skull in any minute now. I want so much to just get away from here, to get out of this town, out of this bad weather and leave it all behind, never look back. I need some sunshine, some vacation time, and more Jesus. Jesus all the time!

Spring break was just not long enough. It was nice, almost too nice because it was 80 degrees and sunny the entire week. But I needed more than just a week. I need a month, or two. Or three. Maybe a year. And call me selfish, but I don't want to wait until after I graduate to take that break. I only have to keep pushing through until December, but good gravy that feels so far away right now. It feels like it will never get here and I will be perpetually stuck in this endless cycle of artwork, homework, and exhaustion. This semester ends in May and then I will have to take two summer courses until the end of June and right now, I just don't want to. Not even a little bit.

You know, I have been at this whole school thing since I was five. I had literally just turned five when I started kindergarten and I haven't had a break since. I don't know if you know this, but I'm 21 now. That 16 years I've been going to class and completing homework. And then I thought it was a smart idea to major in education, so I will become a teacher and be stuck in a school forever.

I feel like I will never escape and right now I'm questioning whether or not this is what I really want, because right now I'm not convinced. I want to travel and photograph and paint and draw and not be accountable for a little while. I look around at my friends who are married and have families and I think that that is not something I want right now. I'd love to be married and have a traveling buddy who will just take off with me and have crazy inside jokes and love Jesus, but I don't think I could have a family. I'm not ready to try my hand at being mom. I'm not ready to give up my freedom. No one is asking me to do that, it's just thoughts that come into my head.

I just need some time off from everything. I want to sleep in until I can't sleep anymore. I want to get out of town and be somewhere where no one expects anything from me. Well, that might not exactly be true, but I definitely want all this pressure off of my shoulders. If I could just drop everything and move away right now, I'd probably do it. But then this little conscience of mine tells me that I can do it, I can make it to December and then I can take all the time off from school I need. I can go wherever I want to and be whoever I want to be.

So I push onwards and upwards. God, please help December just get here already.

41 Days

So there are 41 days left until I'm legally allowed to buy my own alcohol and consume it in public places. You know, I'm actually kind of excited about my birthday this year. Mostly because this means that if we go out to eat somewhere I could potentially get something to drink just because I want to. Although really? It probably won't happen often...and I'm not a big fan of beer. Gross.

But I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my birthday. Usually people ask me and I just hmm and haw and mumble whatever pops into my head at the time. Mainly I ask for mulah, but I have some more ideas this time. I've been keeping a list on my desktop for the last month and a half just so I would be ready when this inevitable question hit.

So, here's a list of things I would like for my birthday (which is in 41 days, butwhoscountinganyways):

1. Money. I feel this is obvious because I am broke and money is nice. And I am broke.

2. A tablet. This would be nice for my into to graphic design class I'm taking in the fall. And it would also lovingly accompany a new Macbook Pro...but $1100 is a little extreme for a birthday. (but I'd seriously love you forever if I got a new computer. Mine is seeing the beginning of the end.)

3. There's quite a few things I'd like from The Vintage Pearl and the lady bug necklace is definitely one of them (but the cup of joe necklace also has my heart in a really big way since you know, i work with coffee and all that jazz). I'm not a big jewelry person, but I honestly have been wanting a plain silver necklace or a charm bracelet for a while now. I keep hoping someone will telepathically know and then just present me with one, but so far that's been unsuccessful. So now I'm asking. Nicely. Please? (see? nice!)

4. There's this awesome art desk that I really want from Michael's. It would come in unbelievable handy for all the art I will doing. My life is going to be overrun with paintings for the next year. Yay me.

5. Anything to decorate my bedroom walls. Seriously, those things are bare. There's some awesome decals at Bed, Bath and Beyond that are absolutely beautiful and don't involve nail holes. (I like butterflies, just so you know.)

I figure five things is good enough for now. I mean, some minions and a dastardly devious plot to overtake the world wouldn't be too much to ask for though, you think? Eh, actually that might be a little more responsibility than I would be into at the moment. Or maybe an attack bear! Or a clone who will do my homework for me...yeah, nothing can go wrong there, right? Right.

Small Injustices

I've been really good about not posting, huh? July has just been full of things that I don't really want to put out in cyberspace, do you know? But really, lots of things have been happening, I'm just not quite ready to talk about them.

And I haven't been really taking a lot of pictures, so I can't really fall back on a wordless post chalk full of images that do all the talking. Sorry about that, too. So, what have I been doing? Well, walking, for one. Cooking. Cleaning. Re-arranging. Hanging out with new people. Discovering new things about myself and about other people in my life.

Oh yeah, and I'm being taunted mercilessly by those people who are supposed to be, you know, my family. Do they ever just think it is absolutely hilarious to send me pictures of all the fun they get to have and all of their new toys.

It was funny at first, actually. My dad was posting pictures to Facebook of their trip to Kirkland where they were hanging out with my aunt and uncle in the middle of the woods. He talked about grilling dinner, smelling campfire smoke, and being with two of my favorite people. And. I. Hated. Every. Second. Of. It. I seriously wanted to be there so bad it hurt, but I work on Saturdays and that makes doing things over the weekend REALLY HARD. But guess what? Everybody else gets to work during the week, so their weekends are free. Cue emanating death rays of hate.

Oh, and then TheMechanic texts me about getting to eat pie. He actually sent me a picture of the stupid thing for the 4th of July - which I actually spent with PC who wouldn't even move off the couch to come outside and watch fireworks with me. Seriously, the LAMEST 4th I think I've ever had.

Then, DP texted me they were going camping. At Big Hank. Which is my favorite, just so you know. And do you know that I wake up in the morning and walk outside into the sunshine and I can just smell all of the plants and the fields and my heart just aches to go spend the night in a tent. I want to go camping SO BAD. And they never tell me when they are going so I can never plan to go with them.

And finally, TheKeeper sent me a picture of his brand spanking new Apple computer. I officially hate my entire family.

Okay, so I don't really hate them, but I'm seriously tired of everybody getting to do incredibly fun stuff and get new things and then tell me about it all while I'm stuck here in stupid Moscow too broke to go anywhere else.

The icing on the cake you ask? Even PC got asked to go camping with his friend for a weekend. My feelings couldn't have been more hurt.

PC meets the Arboretum and I need a new name

Days like today make me want to go camping. I miss when I could afford to take vacations. But now it's all about school and work. I can't miss too many school days during the semester or my grades will suffer, and I can't miss too many work days because my bank account suffers.

Someday I will take a nice vacation. And I will go lounge around the sunshine. But for now, I'll have to be content with what I have. And actually, today was a really good followup to the horrid day I had yesterday.

But guys, I have to tell you something important. A lot of things in my life have changed, and so has this blog. I don't feel right calling it "My Life's Graffiti" anymore because that dealt more with my artwork (hence the whole 'graffiti' idea, you know?). But now I've moved my art stuff over here and this blog has become more of a place for writing (and photography since this post doesn't have a lot of words).

So I am trying to come up with a new name for TheBlog. We all know it needs to happen, so if someday in the near future you find yourself stumbled upon this blog and it might look a little different and have a different name, just know that it's still the same place with the same Natalie, and that you're not lost in cyberspace!

So Ready

I'm ready for the warm feeling you get when the sun shines on your skin, the smell of freshly mowed grass and how it feels against your bare feet, and the sound of people interacting outside. I'm ready for picnics and cartwheels and swimming. I'm ready to cruise around town with my windows down and my music up and my hair blowing in the breeze.

I'm ready for flowers and sprinklers and foot freedom. I'm ready for a good sandwich followed by sweet lemonade. I'm ready for green leafs and lady bugs and bumble bees. You can keep the wasps though, I'm pretty sure no one likes them.

I'm ready for road trips and adventures to nowhere. I'm ready to have sunshine until 9 o'clock at night. I'm ready for T-shirt and shorts weather. I'm ready for flip flops and day dreams and cloud watching. I'm ready for lakes and rivers and camping and fishing and playing pretend.

I'm ready for barbecue and vanilla ice cream. I'm ready for summer, but I'll take spring if and when it actually decides to show up. I'm so bored of the wind and rain. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I'm ready for this.

One Week

Last Wednesday I woke up after having some very bad dreams about Prince Charming, and then I read a text from him telling me good morning and wishing me luck on my first day of teaching.

This morning I woke up after some very good dreams about Prince Charming to no good morning text from anyone, and my stomach is in knots.

It's been one week since I told Princey goodbye. And yesterday and today I woke up with the worst stomach aches wishing that he would just hold me and play with my hair and make it all better. But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon.

I can't help but ache for his presence. I want him to be around. I want him here, with me. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he misses me. I don't know if he aches for me. But I wish he did.

Today I am nervous to teach. We are going on a field trip, and I don't really want to keep track of thirty plus students. I feel like today is going to be exhausting. I really wish today that I had someone to come home to who would love on me and tell me everything is okay.

I've been thinking a lot about Prince Charming, it's like I can't NOT think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And then I wonder if the same things go through his mind?

Also, I think you guys are probably tired of all of my posts just being about my break up, but writing is therapeutic for me. It's how I process. And this month is going to be difficult and filled with all sorts of posts I think. I think there will be sad ones and angry ones and there will probably be a lot of those before I can write happy ones. I don't know what this month is going to hold for me, but right now all I feel is heartache and sadness that I no longer share my life with someone who is so important to me.

And I want to thank everybody who has given me advice, or been there to listen to me cry, or sent loving words or encouragement. You all have helped tremendously and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all.

humph

I want to be on vacation right now. 

Somewhere sandy. And warm. With lots of water. 

I want to be able to lay in the sunshine and not worry about upcoming assignments, projects, and shifts. 

I want to lounge around in my sweatpants and drink virgin strawberry daiquiris with little umbrella toppers. 

Somewhere watching the sunset. Once the sun hits the horizon line it's two minutes until dusk. And the sky turns brilliant colors, which I love. 

I want to sleep in until noon because I was up past midnight the night before. 

I want to eat at yummy restaurants and get a pedicure on the way home. 

I want to fall asleep to the sound of ocean waves crashing on the beautiful white sanded beach. 

I want to be on vacation. 

What I Really Need Are Minions

Because if I had minions they could entertain me. They could do my homework. And they wouldn't complain. And they would also work for free.

And I would make them look like LOLcats and talk with really ridiculously bad grammar. Like this:







Okay, so I feel like I should talk a bit more about my day than just telling you all i wish I had minions. But I do. My brother and I...(I really should come up with code names for my sibs. I have TWO brothers and that can get kinda confusing. I just don't really know what to call them I guess, since my name is Cinderella and she didn't have brothers...nor are my siblings ugly or step. They're beautiful/handsome and definitely biologically related. Anyway, I suppose I'll try and work on coming up with some royal sounding names for the sibs in my life, but moving right along) my brother and I have a joke about minions, which is why today it was stuck in my head. Besides that I think somewhere in the deep recesses of my twisted stubborn mind I would really like to run an underground system and have minions carry out dirty deeds...like you know, take out the trash, go to the grocery store, fill the car up with gas, write my English essays...

I keep thinking about the future. I suppose that it has something to do with me being fed up with college and wishing I was out of here. I don't want to regret a decision that I make now because of how it will affect my future, but also if I could just skip this whole college business and get out where there is no homework or big exams to worry about on a regular basis, I wouldn't even think twice.

To me, there is so much more to life than college. There's so much more than learning how to give a speech, or what the square root of two divided three halves to the fifth power is. There's more than writing college essays and taking exams for courses that you have to pass even though you have no desire to learn them whatsoever. I realize that when I finally get out of here and live in the 'real world' and get a job, I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do. There's really no escaping it. But for what I would love to do with my life, I don't feel like this is really where I'm supposed to be. If it is where I'm supposed to be, would I hate it so much?

I just sit in my dorm room and procrastinate on my homework because I have no motivation. It's not fun. I don't look at this work and say "it's hard, but it's necessary and I'm going to do it" because to me it doesn't feel necessary. I'm slowly going crazy here. My brother would snort right there and laugh and tell me that I already am crazy, so it's a short trip. I'm inclined to agree. I am pretty crazy already. But this science and math stuff is driving over a cliff. I'm tired of it. I've dealt with math and science for the past 13 years and I don't want it anymore. I just want to learn what will actually apply to what I want to do with my life, I don't want to get caught up in the core subjects that are required of everyone so that the school can just have my money. Okay, so I'm sure the classes I'm taking now, the ones I took last semester and the ones I theoretically will be taking next semester all tie in somehow, but I'm losing my concept of exactly what these courses are supposed to do for me. My brain is done here.

Part of me wants a year off. Part of me wants to major in Photography. Part of me wants to skip everything and turn in to a hobo and travel across the world. And a big part of me knows that in order to have a future that I would actually like, I have to figure something out now that's going to help me get to there.

I'm kinda sorry for seeming to post about this so much, but writing it down helps me sort out my thoughts. Plus the input I get in my comments is reassuring. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant to you about stuff. What an ending to a post that started out so light hearted. :-)