DAYDREAMING

I have been daydreaming a lot lately about the town in which I attended college. I have been daydreaming also about being a student in that college that I went to just a few years ago. It feels odd to me, this idea of being "finished" with college. I mean, I'm not finished with college. Or at least, I don't want to be.

Oh, when I was there I wanted out. I wanted out so bad I could almost taste it. I was sick of papers and projects and deadlines and finals. I was ready to get out and on into the work force! I wanted to start my life already people! Shaking fists and things! And then, also, at the very same time, I wanted school to last forever. I always wanted a dedicated three hours of painting twice a week in my life. I craved the inspiration that a specific project would give me for my art classes. I loved the smell of the campus in the fall, with all it's crispy leaves and backpack clad students. I loved the way the snow made everything crisp and fresh in the wintertime. I thoroughly enjoyed sneaking into the bagel shop when I was supposed to be in my printmaking class and devouring a pepperoni pizza bagel and blended caramel latte. Those were the days, you guys. Those were the days.

I miss having a more open schedule. I miss being able to skip my morning class if I wanted to because I was up too late the night before. I miss the connections I had to other like-minded individuals in all my classes, sharing ideas and creating inspiration and hating the same classes.

Homework and projects and papers have become glorified in my brain. Like, it was maybe fun or something to do that, when I know that it actually made me crazy and there were plenty of times that I couldn't wait for the semester to be over so I could have some peace of mind and relax for a little while before the next round of classes started back up.

But isn't it funny how sometimes we romanticize about how things used to be. I'm sure someday I'll look back on my life now and miss the juice bar a little bit. I'll miss the craziness that goes on there. The mad grocery runs to Costco or a dash up the street for a box of bananas. The adrenaline rush that accompanies the filling of a large order while you have a billion people in line with more walking through the door in a constant state of chaos. The way that all the employees there are like this little juice bar family who cares about, loves, and looks out for all of it's members. I love my little juice bar. I love my little life I have here in this little niche. I love my town, especially in the summer.

It's almost as if Coeur d'Alene becomes a completely different place in the summer. There's so much to do outside. There are so many places to eat, hike, swim, and hang out in. I have all my favorite places. I have my cute little routine. I have created my life here in this town.

And maybe that's why I dream about changing it. This life is so good. So so so so so good. I mean, don't get me wrong. This place, in the summer time, feels like I'm constantly on vacation. But then my mind starts to wander. And I drift into wondering what it would be like to be back in college. Or to be in the design field. Or to work from home. Or to live in a completely different city. Or even country.

Idaho will always be home to me, I think. I've been here too long. It's too ingrained in who I am. And yet, I also am filled with a spirit of wanderlust. A spirit of change. A yearning for something new. But also for something familiar as well. Hence all the daydreaming about Moscow and college and art programs. I really do miss cute little Moscow. Especially Moscow in the fall.

You know, my birthday is coming up here in a month or so. I will be twenty five. TWENTY FIVE. I can't believe it. I've been blogging since I was 18 and these posts have covered a lot of my changes. My words have revealed different hopes, different dreams, different experiences, and different people. Boyfriends have come and gone. So have jobs. So have many different people.

I started out always wondering what it would be like when my life finally started. When I was twenty-blank, what job would I have then? Where would I live? Who would I love? And isn't it interesting how we can't really go back to our past-natalies and put a caring arm over her shoulder and say things like, everything is going to be alright! Just calm down and take a deep breath! But also, by going back and re-reading our past words, we can comfort our present-natalies and say things like, look how far you've come and hey! Everything is actually alright! High fives all around!

So guys, high fives all around. We've made it this far, anyway, and we have plenty of daydreaming left to do.

So Ready

I'm ready for the warm feeling you get when the sun shines on your skin, the smell of freshly mowed grass and how it feels against your bare feet, and the sound of people interacting outside. I'm ready for picnics and cartwheels and swimming. I'm ready to cruise around town with my windows down and my music up and my hair blowing in the breeze.

I'm ready for flowers and sprinklers and foot freedom. I'm ready for a good sandwich followed by sweet lemonade. I'm ready for green leafs and lady bugs and bumble bees. You can keep the wasps though, I'm pretty sure no one likes them.

I'm ready for road trips and adventures to nowhere. I'm ready to have sunshine until 9 o'clock at night. I'm ready for T-shirt and shorts weather. I'm ready for flip flops and day dreams and cloud watching. I'm ready for lakes and rivers and camping and fishing and playing pretend.

I'm ready for barbecue and vanilla ice cream. I'm ready for summer, but I'll take spring if and when it actually decides to show up. I'm so bored of the wind and rain. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I'm ready for this.

Exercise of the Mind

Lately I've been thinking of the future. What's it going to be like? What am I going to be like? Will M still be there? I know that I don't need to get caught up in the future because then I lose the importance of the now, but still - it's not bad to wonder.

I remember in one of my high school classes we did a visual exercise to help us 'see' what we thought our future would be like. We all put our heads down on our desk and closed our eyes. Then the instructor told us to visual everything she said.

"It's ten years from now. You wake up in a bed. Who is beside you? Is anyone beside you? What do they look like, who are they?

"You get out of bed and go into the bathroom. What do you look like? What does the bathroom look like? You do your bathroom routine and head to the kitchen for breakfast.

"Has the person in the bed made breakfast for you? Do you have to make your own breakfast? Are you even going to eat breakfast? What does your kitchen look like? What does your kitchen table look like? Is there an animal that you have to feed as well?

"Breakfast over, you are ready to leave for work. You head out the door to your car. What does your car look like? You look back at your house - or your apartment maybe. What does it look like? What happens to the person you woke up next to? Do they have to go to work too?

"You drive down the street to where you work. Where do you work? Who do you work with? What do you do? Do you like it?

"Work is over, you head back home. Does your significant other meet you there? Is dinner already made? Is it even dinner time? Do you have to order something for take out or are you going to make your own dinner? Do you go to bed right away because you're tired or do you stay up for a couple more hours?

"Open your eyes. What did you see?"

The Storm

I could use a good thunder storm right about now. The sky all dark and overcast with rain splashing on everything in sight. Lightning so bright it makes the earth look like noon time for a split second and then plunges you back into total darkness. Wrapped up on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa and the dull crack of wood burning in a fire place. The power's out so candle flames light up the various rooms that are occupied.
Counting the seconds between the lightning flash the roll of the thunder that's so loud it shakes the house right down the foundations. The clouds covering the moon so you just get little glances at it every now and then. The lights of cars driving by highlight the rain droplets and their tires splash through the puddles that now cover the street.
As you sit there and stare out at the storm, you snuggle yourself underneath the blanket you've chosen for a cuddle buddy. The hot cocoa you're sipping is warm all the way down every time you put the mug to your lips. The warmth of the fire is making one side of you hotter than the other, so every so often you have to switch positions.
The thunder roars over head. The glass panes in the windows shudder in their places. A slow smile crosses your face and your eyes sparkle as you enjoy the show mother nature is providing just outside your comfortable place at home on your couch. The wind howls and presses itself against the siding of the house.
And then the cocoa is all gone. You sneak off the couch to put your mug in the kitchen and when you return to your wonderful spot to watch the rest of the storm, the couch is still a little warm from your previous inhabitance. You smile as another bolt of lightning strikes, lighting up the night as if it were day.
You notice yourself slowly drifting off to sleep. All thoughts leave your mind and you sit and you stare and you think of nothing. The sound of the storm outside surrounds you. Doesn't that just sound totally wonderful? That's what I want to hear right now. I want to hear the roll of deep thunder and see the bright strikes of lightning. I want the rain to pelt against my window and I want to worry about nothing.