DAYDREAMING

I have been daydreaming a lot lately about the town in which I attended college. I have been daydreaming also about being a student in that college that I went to just a few years ago. It feels odd to me, this idea of being "finished" with college. I mean, I'm not finished with college. Or at least, I don't want to be.

Oh, when I was there I wanted out. I wanted out so bad I could almost taste it. I was sick of papers and projects and deadlines and finals. I was ready to get out and on into the work force! I wanted to start my life already people! Shaking fists and things! And then, also, at the very same time, I wanted school to last forever. I always wanted a dedicated three hours of painting twice a week in my life. I craved the inspiration that a specific project would give me for my art classes. I loved the smell of the campus in the fall, with all it's crispy leaves and backpack clad students. I loved the way the snow made everything crisp and fresh in the wintertime. I thoroughly enjoyed sneaking into the bagel shop when I was supposed to be in my printmaking class and devouring a pepperoni pizza bagel and blended caramel latte. Those were the days, you guys. Those were the days.

I miss having a more open schedule. I miss being able to skip my morning class if I wanted to because I was up too late the night before. I miss the connections I had to other like-minded individuals in all my classes, sharing ideas and creating inspiration and hating the same classes.

Homework and projects and papers have become glorified in my brain. Like, it was maybe fun or something to do that, when I know that it actually made me crazy and there were plenty of times that I couldn't wait for the semester to be over so I could have some peace of mind and relax for a little while before the next round of classes started back up.

But isn't it funny how sometimes we romanticize about how things used to be. I'm sure someday I'll look back on my life now and miss the juice bar a little bit. I'll miss the craziness that goes on there. The mad grocery runs to Costco or a dash up the street for a box of bananas. The adrenaline rush that accompanies the filling of a large order while you have a billion people in line with more walking through the door in a constant state of chaos. The way that all the employees there are like this little juice bar family who cares about, loves, and looks out for all of it's members. I love my little juice bar. I love my little life I have here in this little niche. I love my town, especially in the summer.

It's almost as if Coeur d'Alene becomes a completely different place in the summer. There's so much to do outside. There are so many places to eat, hike, swim, and hang out in. I have all my favorite places. I have my cute little routine. I have created my life here in this town.

And maybe that's why I dream about changing it. This life is so good. So so so so so good. I mean, don't get me wrong. This place, in the summer time, feels like I'm constantly on vacation. But then my mind starts to wander. And I drift into wondering what it would be like to be back in college. Or to be in the design field. Or to work from home. Or to live in a completely different city. Or even country.

Idaho will always be home to me, I think. I've been here too long. It's too ingrained in who I am. And yet, I also am filled with a spirit of wanderlust. A spirit of change. A yearning for something new. But also for something familiar as well. Hence all the daydreaming about Moscow and college and art programs. I really do miss cute little Moscow. Especially Moscow in the fall.

You know, my birthday is coming up here in a month or so. I will be twenty five. TWENTY FIVE. I can't believe it. I've been blogging since I was 18 and these posts have covered a lot of my changes. My words have revealed different hopes, different dreams, different experiences, and different people. Boyfriends have come and gone. So have jobs. So have many different people.

I started out always wondering what it would be like when my life finally started. When I was twenty-blank, what job would I have then? Where would I live? Who would I love? And isn't it interesting how we can't really go back to our past-natalies and put a caring arm over her shoulder and say things like, everything is going to be alright! Just calm down and take a deep breath! But also, by going back and re-reading our past words, we can comfort our present-natalies and say things like, look how far you've come and hey! Everything is actually alright! High fives all around!

So guys, high fives all around. We've made it this far, anyway, and we have plenty of daydreaming left to do.