ROUGH OCTOBERS

So Octobers are difficult months, I've come to the conclusion. Driving back home from parent/teacher conferences tonight, I was reflecting on the last year of my life. I never went to parent-teacher conferences as a student teacher, so tonight was a new experience.

I've said before that teaching is hard. Nathan hears it from me all the time - this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And first years are always the hardest. Even though I had a semester of student teaching, that's all I really had. One semester. And I was never really fully in charge of my class either. I mean, it was a great experience, but it doesn't fully prepare you to take on a classroom all your own.

I remember last October in particular. It was the busiest and hardest month of my student teaching. I was writing this absolutely stupidly huge lesson plan for three consecutive lessons that built on the same concepts and were obscenely large in their required fields of information. Way more information was requested on the school mandated lesson plan form than my principal has EVER asked of me to show him. And then there was also the TPA, where I not only had to video myself teaching a lesson and crop it down to a ten minute segment, but then I also had to reflect on how the lesson went, how the students reacted and what I would change about the lesson had I needed to reteach it to the same group of students and also how I would change it to teach it to a new group of students. I mean, talk about a headache.

And then there's this past October. Dudes, it was the worst probably. I went home and cried on multiple occasions. I got in a mildish case of trouble with my vice principal, and while he didn't yell at me, he was very firm. Students are not supposed to wear hats and I needed to grow a spine. ouch. Plus, my students were just pushing my buttons every which way I turned. I kept trying new methods, different seating charts, different punishments, and things would work for a little while and then I'd be back to square one. I was a little at a loss for everything and I just kind of wanted to quit.

I think that's part of why I was a little nervous for tonight. After how October went, I just kind of feel like it knocked me on my butt and that all the parents would somehow know that I sucked as a teacher.

What surprised me though, was that there are students who are enjoying my class and they go home and talk about how they like art and that I'm one of their favorite teachers and wow. I really needed to hear that. Lately I just feel like I'm maybe not ready for this job and that perhaps I'm a little too incompetent to be a teacher. October had way more bad days than good ones, so I felt like I was losing it.

But tonight, tonight I felt like maybe I didn't suck as bad as I thought I did. And it forced me to realize that I have some really talented students who really do enjoy my class, so I must be doing something right. Right? Hopefully November will be a nice change of pace. I know it will still be challenging, I just want to feel like maybe I have my feet underneath me.

I suppose I'm getting there, but we're always our own worst critic. But just like I had to make myself become a runner, I also have to make myself become a teacher. I'm going to conquer this hill if it kills me, you know? Shoot.

Growing Up

I read this blog about 20 somethings. It's funny, it's interesting, and most of all I'm completely shocked at how accurately it describes my life. Sometimes a post is exactly how I feel on the inside, only I didn't know how to put words to it. Much less thought that someone else could be going through exactly what I'm going through.

This post was especially spot on. With the exception that I'm still living at home instead of moved out on my own, but basically it describes feelings that I didn't know how to explain. Growing up is not an easy thing to do, and no one leads you to believe it is.

But it is also so much harder than anyone can ever tell. You will change in so many ways that at first you won't understand. Not only are you becoming yourself, but your parents are also learning how to let you go.

There are things I don't know how to tell my parents. Like I don't feel like I need their advice anymore, but that sounded too harsh to me. Because sometimes I do need to hear what they have to say. Going back to that post though, it's okay for me to not need their advice. I have to learn to make my own choices, whether they agree with them or not.

Mostly, I really just want to hear that everything is going to be okay. That I am going to make it in this world. I beat myself up enough as it is, and I just want reassurance that things are gonna be just fine and someone somewhere is proud of me. That's not to say that my parents aren't telling me that they're proud or they love me, because they do. And they're awesome at it. Most of the time.

There was a moment in the kitchen the other day between me and my dad. We don't always have the greatest relationship, but he's my dad and he loves me. He's got this thing he does, where if you are disappointed about something he has this fake little crying whimper noise he makes. I'm really good at imitating it if you ever want to hear it sometime. He uses it to make fun of you, because what you're disappointed about isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes his timing is comedic and sometimes it makes you want to punch him.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter talking to my mom. You see, there are these beautiful puppies that we want to buy. Two of them, one for me and one for TheMechanic and TheSister. The little black balls of fuzz are 100 dollars apiece and I'm not sure I have the money to buy my own. This little dog has my heart, guys. She's adorable and I've already named her and now I just need to commit and save the money and do what it takes.

My dad waltzed in to the kitchen during our conversation and I fully expected him to pull that fake crying whimper move like always because I was complaining. I wasn't really excited to hear the huh-huh-huh sniffle sniffle boo hoo hooing so I braced myself and got on the defensive.

Apparently he was only going in for a hug. And he was also somewhat offended that I didn't know that's what he was doing. What can I say? Old habits die hard. But he's trying to change our relationship. It needs to change. We can't keep doing this dance anymore. This dance where we get along one moment and not the next.

I don't need my parents to parent me anymore. But that's what they've done for my whole life, it's what comes natural to them. Changing that is going to be a rough and tumble process. It hurts and it's messy and there's no user's manual or book you can read to magically make everything all better for everyone. There is one thing I know though, it won't be this way forever and someday we'll figure it all out. And then we'll look back on this and laugh. Huge rolling belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and wake up the next day with sore abs. That's the best kind of laughter, in my opinion. The very best kind.

One Week

Last Wednesday I woke up after having some very bad dreams about Prince Charming, and then I read a text from him telling me good morning and wishing me luck on my first day of teaching.

This morning I woke up after some very good dreams about Prince Charming to no good morning text from anyone, and my stomach is in knots.

It's been one week since I told Princey goodbye. And yesterday and today I woke up with the worst stomach aches wishing that he would just hold me and play with my hair and make it all better. But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon.

I can't help but ache for his presence. I want him to be around. I want him here, with me. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he misses me. I don't know if he aches for me. But I wish he did.

Today I am nervous to teach. We are going on a field trip, and I don't really want to keep track of thirty plus students. I feel like today is going to be exhausting. I really wish today that I had someone to come home to who would love on me and tell me everything is okay.

I've been thinking a lot about Prince Charming, it's like I can't NOT think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And then I wonder if the same things go through his mind?

Also, I think you guys are probably tired of all of my posts just being about my break up, but writing is therapeutic for me. It's how I process. And this month is going to be difficult and filled with all sorts of posts I think. I think there will be sad ones and angry ones and there will probably be a lot of those before I can write happy ones. I don't know what this month is going to hold for me, but right now all I feel is heartache and sadness that I no longer share my life with someone who is so important to me.

And I want to thank everybody who has given me advice, or been there to listen to me cry, or sent loving words or encouragement. You all have helped tremendously and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all.