HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

It has become increasingly difficult for me to sit down in this space and crank out my thoughts like I used to. I open the page, read some posts and then exit out as if I was never a writer at all. I'm beginning to wonder if that means I should shut down or if I should launch a new space, one that's different and fresh and blank. One that isn't full of memories and stories already, an empty book with blank lines. It'll even smell crisp, like a new notebook purchased in the fall for the impending start of the school year.

Or maybe perhaps that will be too much work and here, I already have my friends. All three of you that read my blog. (Hi Dad!)

So who knows. I just know that 2015 was a terrible year for the blog! Sorry guys! It wasn't as if I had bad intentions here...my follow through this year was just focused on other things. I mean, it has been a wild ride I think.

I started out the year working for the juice bar. I worked what felt like a billion hours a week (which is just a slight exaggeration) and it just started to burn me out on the job. I started as a barista when I was 17 years old, and even though I worked in a school for two years post college, moving back to the juice bar (while fun) still felt like a giant step backwards as much as I tried to convince myself it was just sideways.

And then in the summer I made a remark that I shouldn't have, it got blown way out of proportion, and so I had to walk away. Actually it was a huge blessing in disguise. Sure, I worried about how I was going to pay my bills and buy my groceries, but it also helped me realize the incredible support system that I have here in my little Idaho.

In late August, just before I turned 25, I started working for a photographer. He's a photographer that I've admired for years and years and meeting him was a little unreal for me. He had only lived in my head and on my computer/phone screen for so long that you kind of forget that he's a real person. But honestly, the shock only lasted for a couple days and then we were into the real stuff. Especially because my backup left me after three and half days on the new job and I felt like a complete idiot 90% of the time.

Transitioning from juice bar barista to photography studio manager was a much steeper learning curve than I had anticipated. Plus the lack of training and the being right at the tail end of the busy season left me in a kind of "sink or swim" situation - which I feel like is my whole life. But it got better. It didn't get easier, I just figured out how to do more stuff. And my relationship with my boss started to develop away from him being upset that I didn't know what I was doing, to him being appreciative of all the things I do there now. It's been a little bit of a roller coaster, if I'm being completely honest.

I would tell myself that I just had to get through today. I just had to make it until five o'clock and then I could breathe a sigh of relief. Or I just had to get through the next hour. I just had to get through this phone call. I had to set up little goals for myself or else I think I would have lost it.

But looking back at how far I've come in just a matter of months, and even though there are things that still terrify about this job, I'm mostly just excited about it. It shows on my face. My dad says this is the happiest he's seen me in a job in a while. And it's true, I am happy. I'm even, get this, joyful.

I'm joyful for a multitude of reasons, all of which were made that much sweeter having gone through the juice bar battle and the photography manager goal setting.

I'm joyful because I have a family that loves me and is willing to back me in any I want to pursue. I started making custom gifts this holiday season, and I got a way higher response than I had anticipated I would. I made quite a few gifts this year and I hope to just continue on with that. I would like to ship things across the country, not just the state, you know? And my dad has expressed an interest in helping me do that. I can't thank him enough for just how incredible he's been to me.

I'm joyful because I have developed an interest in designing fabrics, which was helped along by the love of my oma. She has been such a source of encouragement and even sent me Christmas presents made out of the fabric I designed!

I'm joyful because I have a great relationship with my boyfriend which just keeps growing and growing. He's such a rock of support for me and he pushes me to make tough decisions. He's smart and ambitious and I don't know what I'd do without him.

There are a few other important people in my life that have helped to finish this year out nicely for me. It's amazing after how tumultuous my summer felt, to be this happy at the end of the year. But you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad there's snow and skiing and family surrounding me this December. I'm usually such a grinch this time of year, and I expected to feel annoyed all month. But then it started with a windstorm in November and then it's snowed practically all of December and maybe I'll be really tired of the snow in February just like every year, wishing it was summer time, but also maybe I'll just like it because that's how it is.

I've learned a lot this year. I've grown a lot this year. And I honestly am just excited to see what the new year brings. Happy 2016 kids. May it be exactly the year you need.

THAT FAILING FEELING

I used to be a teacher. In a high school. In a small town in north Idaho. And there were things I loved about that job and there were things I hated about that job. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't awful and now it doesn't matter.

I wasn't fired from my position. I didn't do anything crazy or irrational to make my administration go "hmm, maybe we shouldn't bring her back next year because of X." I wasn't fired or hated or anything ridiculous. It was all sort of very sad - my being let go. It was a budget cut and a "we like you but we're going with the teacher who has more experience" kind of deal.

And yet, it still leaves me feeling as though somehow I had failed. I reflect back on that job and I think to myself that I must have just been this giant let down because I wasn't good enough to keep my job in the face of a slimmer budget. I just realistically didn't have the years experience and knowledge to thrive in that situation and even though I know it's not the same as being fired from a job for poor performance, it still stings when I think about it.

So I try to go about my daily life and forget that it ever happened.

Which works for me, most of the time.

To be honest I have been dreading the day when I would have to look someone in the face who I used to work with at the high school and ask them which drink they would like and what our specials at the juice bar are. I know that I am so much more than a barista, but when faced with the girl asking to take your order, I felt like the stereotypical "would you like fries with that?" persona.

You guys, I still feel as though I have failed.

Failure is a big thing for me. It is a big motivator, a big fear, a big fat "to don't" on my list of life. And even though I was technically laid off instead of fired, it still feels like I was a big fat failure. I didn't go from teaching there to teaching here, but instead I went in a completely different direction. Most days I feel pretty good about it. I love my job. I love combining my sense of nutrition with my sense of artistry and I like flexing my manager muscles.

But from the outside, I can't help but notice that this looks like a giant step backwards.

So when one of the secretaries who worked in the school office of the high school where I used to teach walked in to my little juice bar, it was as if my worst nightmare had just come true. I looked at her and it was like I was staring my own failure directly in the face.

And then she asked me if I had graduated last year.

I laughed and brushed it off because I always get those stupid remarks. I'm almost 25 years old and people are constantly asking me what year of school I'm in or if I need to go study. But inside it stung on a level I've never felt before. Like, geez, did I really make that little of an impact? Shoot.

She didn't mean any harm by her comment. She was simply just trying to figure out why she recognized me, but it still really hurt my feelings. After she left and the juice bar was empty, I found myself trying to prep spinach bags through blurry vision.

You just never realize how truly deep the hurt stings you until someone who has no idea makes a comment without thinking.

But it caused me to really think about why it is that I am now shying away from teaching. And that sting of failure, that feeling of "you're too young to handle this and we need someone different because you're just not good enough," it hurts. And I think that's ultimately why I don't want to go back, and why I shy away from people who present me with teaching opportunities.

That school didn't believe in me, so why should I believe in me?

I know that's ludicrous and that that's the kind of thinking that will keep me from climbing the tallest mountain, but it's also a legitimate feeling. Teaching is hard. People just don't realize how hard of a job it is. How demanding it can be on your time. You have to be all-in or you're just not good enough. There's such a standard. And I was just so young and so inexperienced that it's no wonder they let me go.

And so, I think, maybe I will never go back to teaching because maybe I don't want that stress in my life. But I also am going to have to get over how that encounter with the secretary made me feel. I am more than just a juice bar manager. I am more than just "do you want fries with that?"

I may look like I'm only 18 years old, but if you really know me, then you'd see this wasn't a giant step backwards, it was just a side-step down this path of life. It doesn't look the same for all of us, and we all have different routes intended for our own selves.

I don't know if that lady looked at me and thought "wow, I can't believe it's come to this for her" but I know that it triggered some deep down feelings that I haven't processed all the way. I love my job. I love what I do at the juice bar. I like being in charge and having responsibility and being the constant in my regular customers' mornings.

I like that there are no teacher/parent meetings. I like that there are no lesson plans. I like that there isn't a group of teens invading my space everyday waiting to see what knowledge exudes from my being. But also, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it.

Being laid off still makes me feel like I have failed. I still feel like I let people down. Like I let myself down. It was everything I said I didn't want to do. I didn't want to teach for only one year and end up in the statistic of teachers who never make it past year one. And it's partially that feeling of failure that says "why do you even think you could try again? you suck" that holds me back.

Someday perhaps I will overcome that annoying little voice in my head. Someday maybe I will return to teaching on a regular basis - just probably not in a public school atmosphere.

If I'm being honest, my dream job is to just create art and work from home anyway. My dream job is not to be a teacher. But that doesn't mean it's any less fun to feel like you've failed. Maybe I'm just rationalizing. Maybe I'm just trying to wrap my head around feelings I don't understand, but if there's one thing I know to be true on this earth, it is that in life there are not necessarily "rights and wrongs" but more or less there are "lefts and rights" and it takes a lot of prayer and careful consideration to know whether or not you should go through this open door or that open window.

I always thought there was a set course for my life. That there was going to be one thing after another that I would end up doing. School was always that way for me, so I expected life to be that way also. But the most shocking thing for me to find out as an adult is that I get to make my own choices. I get to choose my own path. I get to live my own life and there's no one else out there who gets to call the shots.

So it's hard to deal with feelings of failure, but I do know that comparison is the thief of joy and if I keep comparing myself to others then I will always feel like I'm failing. And with that, I promised myself that I would just keep doing me. I am going to go down my own path of life and wherever that takes me, I know that it's just for me and not for anybody else.

CYBER SPACE TIME TRAVEL

I recently downloaded the Timehop app on my iPhone and it has been bringing me lots of laughter these days. This time travel thing has reminded me of just how darn funny I used to be - and possibly still am.

Like today, for instance, 3 years ago I posted the status "If you can't make money, make out with somebody" and I kind of scrunched up my brows and wondered what the heck I had been talking about. So I took to the googles and typed in my status.

Turns out, it's lyrics to a song. David Bradley, more specifically.

 

Three years ago on January 12th I apparently posted "I plan on staying in bed and dying today." Which just, if you know me, I was channeling my inner Lilo that day and avoiding my college classes and any semblance of responsibility because three years ago I could pull that kind of crap.

Lately, because it's January and February, my timehops have consisted of my really obnoxious break up with Matt statuses and holy buckets you guys, I just want to apologize all over again for that. I was...I don't even know how to put it... Pathetic, maybe?

And I literally posted almost every single thought I had onto Facebook - did I have no boundaries? How even did I retain my friends because good golly I was just dragging it oooouuuuutttttttt. So, thanks for not getting sick of me and never speaking to me again.

I have been thinking about that time in my life though. For the obvious reasons and the not so obvious. You see, when I first had a Facebook, I was also still in my myspace phase as well. I was just fresh out of high school and there weren't really any rules for the internet yet. At least not in my world. So I used my Facebook page as an online mini diary to supplement all my lamenting on my blog about this terrible, horrible, no good thing I was going through. I never realized at the time that those things would live on forever inside the bowels of the interwebz.

Now, I look at people who still post every little thing that pops in their head or post every picture they take on the cell phone and I think, why? Why are you doing this? Why do we feel compelled to share every aspect of our lives with people we really don't hardly know?

And maybe I'm hypocritical because here I am, posting a blog essay and sending it off into the world wide web where people I may or may not know can read my own personal thoughts. But hey, these days I am more careful about exactly what I'm putting out there.

I mean, I could write about all the things I've done lately and how work went and what sorts of things I ate today, which actually would just be coming full circle to when I started writing and was still trying to figure out my voice and just exactly what I was going to do in this little internet corner.

But you know what, there's also something stupidly beautiful about seeing the sort of annoying things I used to put into cyber space because it reminds me that I used to be this little naive person who still believed in all the good in the world and had a lot of growing to do.

It reminds me that I've come such a long way, and I've overcome so many obstacles.

And even though those days were hard to live through, I came out on the other side stronger and with a clearer vision of what I wanted out of life and how I was going to do it.

So maybe I was crazy and a little pathetic and incredibly naive, but I was also displaying my very human emotions and learning how to be the girl that I was created to be. Am I glad I posted all those obnoxious statuses to Facebook all those years ago? Not necessarily. But I'm also not really mad about it, so there's that.

oh murgatroyd

Do you know what is amazing? Driving in the car to work with the sun shining and country music blaring out of the radio. It makes me feel like it's finally summertime, and guys, that is my favorite time of the year. The smell of fresh cut grass, sun warmed hay, shorts, tanks & flip flops, swimming, camping, biking, being outside....I could go on and on and on...and on. But in all seriousness, summer is where it's at.

There are just some moments in life, like this morning, where the perfect song is coming through my speakers, the weather is glorious, and I just could not be in a better mood. I have to tell you that I am feeling so much better. About life. About the future. About myself. Not only do I feel a lot less anxious, but I just feel...happier. And happier is usually paired with brainless acts such as belting out all the words as loud as I can and car dancing like the champ that I am. Get your shimmy on, please! It's a good thing my windows are so tinted...talk about embarrassing.

Yesterday I came home from work in a really weird mood. A good mood, but a weird one. This mood, you guys! This mood possessed me to clean! Clean all of the things! I picked up my clothes that have been dead on my floor since my Houston trip and I finally (finally!) put them all away (mostly). (I'm running out of drawers and closet space...) (First world problems.) And then after that I cleaned the bathroom. The counter, the sink, the toilet, the floor. I picked up the living room as much as I could and vacuumed. I opened windows to let in fresh air! My sister did the dishes and I cleaned the counters in the kitchen. We put groceries away. Good gravy you guys, I couldn't be stopped! And then we watched the season finale of Duck Dynasty because you guys! Duck Dynasty! !!!!

And heavens to Murgatroyd, I'm paying for it today. All that scrubbing! My shoulders are tired. And protesting loudly...especially when it comes to getting dressed or anything that involves lifting my arms above my head. Silly shoulder muscles.

(Also, I have no idea why I said heavens to Murgatroyd except that I was thinking about that phrase this morning but I couldn't place where I knew it from so I looked it up. Snagglepuss, you crazy cat you.)

I just can't explain how nice it is to be myself. There is something to be said for period of loneliness though, where you are just a bit lost and have no idea what to do about any parts of anything. I have been learning that this is something a lot of people experience, and it's slightly necessary maybe. In order to appreciate what you have? Perhaps? Whatever the reason that caused me to shove everyone out of my life while I dealt with things and stuff and feelings about things and stuff, it's nice to have the confidence to now face those obstacles head on. I may not know exactly where I am going, but I definitely am not as scared or anxious about it as I was a couple short weeks ago. I know that no matter what happens God has my back and I'll be okay with whatever circumstances the future brings. Just watch me.

Not everything in my life is perfect, and actually there is a lot of stuff left to hurdle over. It may involve playing chicken on the railroad tracks, but I'll come out on top. And better for it, too. Life is one crazy adventure after another, and heavens to Murgatroyd (!!) I'm gonna work it like it's my job.

Also? Purple hair. Check it out. I'm cool.

she is the sweetest. like, seriously.

also? she drives now! ah!!

lots of talk about beauty lately. i love dove though. 

and i also like this typeface.

dad broke out the remote controlled camaro. the pups were terrified.

it was hilarious.

what a week. i'm super glad tomorrow is friday!

going places

Today is really kind of the lamest day, if I'm being honest. The sky is grey and the ground is wet and I'm grumpy. And the library! It is the quietest, dudes. These ISAT tests, I tell you what. They kill. And it's only the second day. I have three whole weeks of this to look forward to!

The kids come in, find a computer, take a seat, and then read long passages to answer questions for 90 minutes and doesn't that just sound like the best of times? Standardized testing is probably the lamest. But still we go through it. Monotonous mouse clicking and all.

It's days like this where I miss being a college student the most. Grumpy days were meant to be spent on a couch with a blanket watching a movie. Ditching class so you didn't have to walk outside and get the bottoms of your pant legs soaked. Cuddling next to your boyfriend while the rain pelts the windows outside. I mean, that was the life, right?

I just need simple things to get me by.

Really what I wish for is summertime. To be outside. To have tanned skin. To run wild and free. Take deep breaths of fresh air. Splash in the lake. Lay on a towel. You guys, that is the life I dream of! I would love to move somewhere warm with palm trees. I would love to experience a new adventure in a different city. To have a good job that allows me to pay all my bills and travel every now and then. It's not far off, this life of mine, I can feel it.

You know, I was starting to feel trapped. I lost myself and I lost sight of how awesome life can really be. Unfortunately, I let myself get bogged down in pointless drama and anxiety over things that I really don't have any control of. I still haven't quite found myself again, you know, because I think that's a lifelong process. But I also think that I've made some progress.

The other day I was driving in my car on the way home from Moscow. This is always when I do my deep thinking, guys. I had been talking to TheBoy about the starting salary for teachers in Texas. It's so much higher than here in Idaho. And we kind of fancifully entertained the idea of moving there. I mean, that's when it hit me, you guys.

I've been saying it for a long time, but I'm just finally starting to realize it I think maybe. I can move anywhere. I can go to a different state and get a job and find an apartment and live there if I want to. There is nothing holding me back. If I want to move to California or Texas or even Italy, I could do it.

Probably I will work at the same school I'm at right now for another year before I try to transfer anywhere else. Not only will it be valuable experience and look good on a resume, but it will also let me grow in my profession with people who know me instead of having to forge relationships with new faculty right away. But then I can go wherever I feel like.

So I've been researching different job opportunities in different states. I've been looking at starting salaries. I've been scoping out apartment prices. It excites me. To know that I am qualified to do stuff and things beyond making coffee and that I am able to make a life for myself. I've always been so tied to school and assignments and goals that actual freedom was a little overwhelming. But I'm coming around. And I can do this.

You guys, I can so do this.

bring it on

There is a poem by Shel Silverstein that is stuck in my head like a bad 90s pop song and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the lyrics just keep rolling around in my brain. 

When the light turns green you go.

When the light turns red you stop.

But what do you do 

When the light turns blue

With orange and lavender spots?

And let me tell you something, my light is definitely blue with the most orange and lavender spots one can imagine. 

There are no right answers, only choices. There is not a right choice and a wrong choice, but instead there is this choice or maybe that one instead. And no one can tell you which one to choose. I mean, it's not like you want everyone to boss you around - it's time to take charge! Be an adult! Do stuff and things and stomp around in your mismatched polka dotted socks like you own the place. 

But at the exact same time, people telling you what to do is a comfort. It's a safety blanket from when you were two years old, Linus, and you couldn't go anywhere without that fuzzy blue square cut cloth dragging on the ground behind you. Besides, if you do what someone else tells you to do and it doesn't work out, you can always fall back on the blame game. Point that finger and mean it!

The trouble with living life by everyone else's rules and ideas is that it's unsatisfying. Eventually you will be most displeased to discover that you have not done what you wanted to do, but instead what you thought everyone else wanted you to do and you end up crying into your biscuits and gravy wishing you could relive your life. 

Being in your 20s is totally hard to navigate. And it's even harder if you've never watched an older sibling go through it first. Here you are, machete in hand, hacking down all these branches and leaves to forge a path, having no idea if you're even headed in the right direction. Constantly looking for approval with big doe-eyes in a way that says "Help! Am I doing this right?" and that is scary. I mean, what if you're headed straight for a swamp? Shouldn't someone tell you? 

Except that no one can. 

And that's terrifying. Petrifying. It turns your stomach in knots and then you can't eat or sleep and you get a little overwhelmed and feel like maybe you're dying. It's not that you're not successful in your life after college, it's not even like you have failed miserably in any direction. Although, maybe you have. Everyone's got secrets. But it's not the end of the world, that was in December...and we all lived.

It's just simply that there are many different roads you could take and it's having to figure out which one is the perfect one for you that is the scariest. Because, hello? What if you take the wrong way and get lost and miss out on incredible opportunities? That is a risk you are just going to have to be willing to take - because if you just ball up and don't make any choices then you end up no where.

Mom and Dad can't tell you what to do forever, although part of them would like to do that. They want to protect you and keep you safe and never see you make any mistakes or disappoint them in any way. But the cold hard truth is that this is going to happen. You are a human and by nature you are flawed. You are also not a psychic and the future is always going to be blurry and somewhat grey. 

So here you are, standing at a cross roads and one is not better than the other, but merely different. And everyone can give you all the advice in the world, but ultimately you have to be the one to decide which direction you are going to take. What is your next move? 

Don't take something just because it's in front of you. Don't listen to someone just because their voice is in your ear. Ask questions. Listen to what people have to say. Pray about it. Then make your decision. There are no right answers and mistakes are not the worst thing in the world. If you never make a mistake you will never grow and if you never grow then you will never do anything important and that's when you end up a 40 year old man living in his parents' basement with only your video games and a very sad cat for company. 

Nobody wants to be that guy. 

I can't pretend to have it all figured out, especially because I'm fairly certain that I'm holding my map upside down and reading the user's manual backwards. However, I do know that I'm going to fail. I'm going to screw up and miss out on things. I also know that I am going to have incredible opportunities no matter what road I'm on. It's just making the decision and plunging into icy cold water headfirst, fearless, that's going to be the truly inspiring part. 

Growing Up

I read this blog about 20 somethings. It's funny, it's interesting, and most of all I'm completely shocked at how accurately it describes my life. Sometimes a post is exactly how I feel on the inside, only I didn't know how to put words to it. Much less thought that someone else could be going through exactly what I'm going through.

This post was especially spot on. With the exception that I'm still living at home instead of moved out on my own, but basically it describes feelings that I didn't know how to explain. Growing up is not an easy thing to do, and no one leads you to believe it is.

But it is also so much harder than anyone can ever tell. You will change in so many ways that at first you won't understand. Not only are you becoming yourself, but your parents are also learning how to let you go.

There are things I don't know how to tell my parents. Like I don't feel like I need their advice anymore, but that sounded too harsh to me. Because sometimes I do need to hear what they have to say. Going back to that post though, it's okay for me to not need their advice. I have to learn to make my own choices, whether they agree with them or not.

Mostly, I really just want to hear that everything is going to be okay. That I am going to make it in this world. I beat myself up enough as it is, and I just want reassurance that things are gonna be just fine and someone somewhere is proud of me. That's not to say that my parents aren't telling me that they're proud or they love me, because they do. And they're awesome at it. Most of the time.

There was a moment in the kitchen the other day between me and my dad. We don't always have the greatest relationship, but he's my dad and he loves me. He's got this thing he does, where if you are disappointed about something he has this fake little crying whimper noise he makes. I'm really good at imitating it if you ever want to hear it sometime. He uses it to make fun of you, because what you're disappointed about isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes his timing is comedic and sometimes it makes you want to punch him.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter talking to my mom. You see, there are these beautiful puppies that we want to buy. Two of them, one for me and one for TheMechanic and TheSister. The little black balls of fuzz are 100 dollars apiece and I'm not sure I have the money to buy my own. This little dog has my heart, guys. She's adorable and I've already named her and now I just need to commit and save the money and do what it takes.

My dad waltzed in to the kitchen during our conversation and I fully expected him to pull that fake crying whimper move like always because I was complaining. I wasn't really excited to hear the huh-huh-huh sniffle sniffle boo hoo hooing so I braced myself and got on the defensive.

Apparently he was only going in for a hug. And he was also somewhat offended that I didn't know that's what he was doing. What can I say? Old habits die hard. But he's trying to change our relationship. It needs to change. We can't keep doing this dance anymore. This dance where we get along one moment and not the next.

I don't need my parents to parent me anymore. But that's what they've done for my whole life, it's what comes natural to them. Changing that is going to be a rough and tumble process. It hurts and it's messy and there's no user's manual or book you can read to magically make everything all better for everyone. There is one thing I know though, it won't be this way forever and someday we'll figure it all out. And then we'll look back on this and laugh. Huge rolling belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and wake up the next day with sore abs. That's the best kind of laughter, in my opinion. The very best kind.

Love Like You Mean It

Life is a funny thing, but don't you think? How it feels like it's always changing and yet somehow always exactly the same. It's the way you get all antsy before a big event or how you hold your breath before you take the plunge in order to do something completely fantastic. It's in the way that you stumble blindly to the shower in the morning a couple minutes after you drag your tired body out of your nice warm bed, or how you always move the driver's seat when you get in and out of the car.

This is my last semester of classes down the Moscow area, and I can hardly believe that I am where I am. It's only day one and already I'm off to a much different start than I had originally planned, but isn't it always that way? It's that thing about life, man. Always different. Always terribly the same. Somebody-very-important and I aren't off to the greatest of starts, having a minor setback in our relationship, and that takes its toll on me mentally. Breathe in, breathe out. Life goes on.

I learned a hard lesson with the PC, you know. And not only was it a hard lesson, but I had to learn it the hard way. I had to test all of the nooks and crannies to see which ones were okay and which ones I should avoid. Some corners were deliciously inviting, but only held empty promises and other corners seemed to be rock hard but in the end they were the better choice. Harder, but better. I think it's always that way.

But the thing that happened to me is that I moved forward and I found SVI and my heart started beating again. As in, I learned that PC wasn't the end of the line, you know, like I first felt he would be. I learned that I could love someone else and that it wasn't terrible or tragic. Life found a new routine and I wasn't so caught up in my past anymore, but instead I could be happy with where I was.

Life takes some interesting turns the longer it goes on. You find that people do things you don't expect them to, and throw you things from left field. But also people can be remarkably wonderful and reach out to you when you need them the most. God designed us for companionship and but wouldn't it be terribly lonely if we had no one to share life with? No one to love? God created Eve for a reason you know, so that Adam wouldn't be alone. We were created to be involved in each others' livelihoods, to offer advice, shoulders, hugs, and caring conversation.

I believe also that if things are meant to be, they will find a way to work. I believe that everything happens for a reason even if you don't understand that reason at the present moment. I believe that people are generally good and I believe that laughter and good company are the best medicine for a broken heart. I believe that the Bible holds the answers we seek and everyone needs to spend time on their knees earnestly seeking their Father and including him in every aspect of their life, because as soon as you start forgetting life gets overwhelming.

So take one step at a time and don't forget to breathe. God has a plan for you and it will be greater than anything you can ever imagine - you have only to take a leap of faith and trust in Him. To love is to be vulnerable, but if you never open yourself up to that chance you will never experience the greatest rewards that come with allowing another person to share your life with you.

Life is short, love big.