all my feels

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have a problem. I like to stuff my emotions down inside of me and pretend like they don't exist. Well, at least the "bad" ones anyway. And by that I mean emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, loneliness and a plethora of other negative adjectives. Truth be told, those feelings aren't "bad" at all, they're merely just feelings. We just don't like to feel them because they're not fun.

I don't like being angry. Anger and frustration make me feel ridiculous and it's hard to act with a cool head when you are experiencing a hot temper. I have said a lot of things I didn't mean when I've been angry, and I just got tired of it. So I stopped. I've watched how angry people act and I don't want to be that way. I've watched how others will react to anger, and it's just messy. No thank you, anger. See you later.

Instead, frustration reveals itself in my life with tears. Yelling makes me feel self conscious, so I just let the tears fall. I get lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I'm experiencing and I allow myself to become overwhelmed. Through the years I have discovered that talking helps, even if the person I'm conversing with doesn't really have anything to respond with. Just a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold are sometimes enough for me. Writing also helps me process, even more than talking might. I'm not looking for answers when I blog, just an outlet to spew all over the page and get everything out in the open.

But through a series of conversations with a counselor at church I've come to find out that the reason I cry so easily is because I don't deal with my feelings. I experience them for a little while and then I shove them down in this steaming pot inside of me. It bubbles and gurgles, but I just keep adding fuel to the fire. Right now I'm upset about the whole situation with TheBoy, and I don't know how long I'm allowed to be hurting. So instead of dealing with all the things this breakup has brought my way, I just put them in this pot and slap on a brave face.

I want to be mad, but I fluctuate back and forth on that matter. In a sense I can't be mad at him. He did what he needed to do for his mental health. And at the same time I'm so angry about it that I just want to punch something, but instead of heading into the woods and screaming at the trees, I just hold it in my abdomen and refuse to confront it. I want to yell and cry and throw things at him, but what good would that do anyone? He has enough on his plate, why add my feelings to the mix? 

And I'm sad. I'm so sad that this future I was starting to let into my mind disappeared. TheBoy would always include me in his future when he spoke about the things that might happen in distant months, even years sometimes. I was so hesitant to include him in mine though, because of what happened with PC. Slowly he started to insert himself into my life anyway. I would talk about future travels and he would often ask if he was included. It made me start to feel safe with him, it made me start to consider that maybe he was planning on sticking around after all. That's when I made my fatal mistake and let my guard down. 

In the end, he couldn't deal with the commitment right now. He didn't want to get hurt again. He doesn't want to feel the way that I feel right now. And who can blame him? Feeling heartbroken sucks. So I put on a smile and I go about my day like I'm fine. Like I'm getting over it. And I am, I think. 

I know from experience that these feelings will go away eventually, but that I have to feel them first. I just wish that skipping steps was possible, so that I didn't have to feel anger and frustration before I could experience acceptance. It's hard to go day to day trying to forget about someone that you let yourself care about an immense amount only to spend the whole night dreaming that you were back together. 

Knowing that he left the door open for the future makes it even harder. Especially because this whole thing was not my decision, but I'm left with having to figure out whether I keep that door open or shut it myself. When I confronted TheBoy about whether or not he left the door open on purpose he looks at me like I'm stupid (but not in a condescending way, if that's possible) and says "Well, yeah!" 

And but why? Why would he do that? You can't have a relationship breakup that is "permanent for now" - his words, not mine. You can't have your cake and eat it to, although I've noticed that's what a lot of guys want. So in reality, I have to shut this door in order for me to move on and be happy in my life. Is he just saying that so he can come back if he doesn't find anything better? Because I am not playing that game. As stuck up as it may sound, I'm awesome and I deserve to be with someone who thinks so too - not someone who thinks he has to "settle" for me. Not that I think this is necessarily how TheBoy feels, but right now it's hard to tell. Not even he knows what he wants at the moment, which is the reason for this breakup anyway. 

It's just unfortunate that there's so much baggage that comes up when two people decide to split. I decided to let TheBoy inside, knowing that this would be the consequence. Making yourself vulnerable to another person affords them the ability to walk away from you at any time and take a piece of you with them. Granted I haven't had many boyfriends, but TheBoy was the best one so far. I don't think I ever told him that, but it's the truth. And now it doesn't even matter. 

Just like my feelings. 

I'll wade through them. I'll journal and I'll process and maybe I'll even get the courage to sit in my car in an empty parking lot and yell at the steering wheel for days just to see if it helps me feel better. It's not only time that you need in order to heal, it's a will to move past all the things that have hurt you and a courage to face a new day with a heart that won't give up. 

I know that right now I have no idea what I want and that this next year will be full of life altering decisions. It's both insanely frightening and completely exhilarating at the same time. Although honestly I think right now I'm just more scared than anything. 

Growing Up

I read this blog about 20 somethings. It's funny, it's interesting, and most of all I'm completely shocked at how accurately it describes my life. Sometimes a post is exactly how I feel on the inside, only I didn't know how to put words to it. Much less thought that someone else could be going through exactly what I'm going through.

This post was especially spot on. With the exception that I'm still living at home instead of moved out on my own, but basically it describes feelings that I didn't know how to explain. Growing up is not an easy thing to do, and no one leads you to believe it is.

But it is also so much harder than anyone can ever tell. You will change in so many ways that at first you won't understand. Not only are you becoming yourself, but your parents are also learning how to let you go.

There are things I don't know how to tell my parents. Like I don't feel like I need their advice anymore, but that sounded too harsh to me. Because sometimes I do need to hear what they have to say. Going back to that post though, it's okay for me to not need their advice. I have to learn to make my own choices, whether they agree with them or not.

Mostly, I really just want to hear that everything is going to be okay. That I am going to make it in this world. I beat myself up enough as it is, and I just want reassurance that things are gonna be just fine and someone somewhere is proud of me. That's not to say that my parents aren't telling me that they're proud or they love me, because they do. And they're awesome at it. Most of the time.

There was a moment in the kitchen the other day between me and my dad. We don't always have the greatest relationship, but he's my dad and he loves me. He's got this thing he does, where if you are disappointed about something he has this fake little crying whimper noise he makes. I'm really good at imitating it if you ever want to hear it sometime. He uses it to make fun of you, because what you're disappointed about isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes his timing is comedic and sometimes it makes you want to punch him.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter talking to my mom. You see, there are these beautiful puppies that we want to buy. Two of them, one for me and one for TheMechanic and TheSister. The little black balls of fuzz are 100 dollars apiece and I'm not sure I have the money to buy my own. This little dog has my heart, guys. She's adorable and I've already named her and now I just need to commit and save the money and do what it takes.

My dad waltzed in to the kitchen during our conversation and I fully expected him to pull that fake crying whimper move like always because I was complaining. I wasn't really excited to hear the huh-huh-huh sniffle sniffle boo hoo hooing so I braced myself and got on the defensive.

Apparently he was only going in for a hug. And he was also somewhat offended that I didn't know that's what he was doing. What can I say? Old habits die hard. But he's trying to change our relationship. It needs to change. We can't keep doing this dance anymore. This dance where we get along one moment and not the next.

I don't need my parents to parent me anymore. But that's what they've done for my whole life, it's what comes natural to them. Changing that is going to be a rough and tumble process. It hurts and it's messy and there's no user's manual or book you can read to magically make everything all better for everyone. There is one thing I know though, it won't be this way forever and someday we'll figure it all out. And then we'll look back on this and laugh. Huge rolling belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and wake up the next day with sore abs. That's the best kind of laughter, in my opinion. The very best kind.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Today was difficult. So was yesterday. This weekend was fine. I was busy, I was hanging out with friends, I got all dressed up for a night on the town with the girls. All that stuff kept my mind going.

I feel like during the school week is when it's most difficult. I just want to talk to him and be next to him. I want to know if he misses me, but truthfully no one knows and I'm scared to ask him. My worst fear is that he'll start dating someone else.

I know a few of you just rolled your eyes and mentally willed me to put on my big girl panties and quit caring, but regardless of what you think a couple weeks is not enough time for me to quit caring about someone that I really never thought I would ever be apart from.

My heart just hurts. Some days more than others, and while I am trying to focus on not making him the center of my life anymore sometimes that means I have to chant to myself that I don't need him over and over again on my way to class. And then it just gets thrown into the bucket when I see a mutual friend. A flood tide of emotions just overwhelms me.

I wish I could just take a week off. No school, no work, nothing, and just leave this place. Or if I could sit down and talk to Prince face to face and get everything out of my system. But I just can't do either of those things. Prince doesn't want to see me for a month. Fine. I will try to respect his wishes. But let the record show that I am a happier person when we are together.

And what I really honestly need to just figure out is how to be happy without him. Because I don't know yet how to do that. When I'm busy and with friends my mind doesn't dwell on him. But the second I'm back in my dorm room, well, all bets are off.

At this point, instead of talking to Prince Charming when I miss him I've converted a notebook and just write him letters there. I haven't decided if it's helping me or hurting me yet. I think helping, because then I don't talk to him and I have a place where I can just write how I feel without be judged or worrying about spelling or grammar or tear stains.

But, as much as I wish I could go back in the past and undo what was done, I have to find some way to move on and move past this. I just can't honestly imagine feeling the same way about someone else as I do for Prince. Whether he realizes it or not, I really do still love him and I wish with all my heart that he still loved me too.