all my feels

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have a problem. I like to stuff my emotions down inside of me and pretend like they don't exist. Well, at least the "bad" ones anyway. And by that I mean emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, loneliness and a plethora of other negative adjectives. Truth be told, those feelings aren't "bad" at all, they're merely just feelings. We just don't like to feel them because they're not fun.

I don't like being angry. Anger and frustration make me feel ridiculous and it's hard to act with a cool head when you are experiencing a hot temper. I have said a lot of things I didn't mean when I've been angry, and I just got tired of it. So I stopped. I've watched how angry people act and I don't want to be that way. I've watched how others will react to anger, and it's just messy. No thank you, anger. See you later.

Instead, frustration reveals itself in my life with tears. Yelling makes me feel self conscious, so I just let the tears fall. I get lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I'm experiencing and I allow myself to become overwhelmed. Through the years I have discovered that talking helps, even if the person I'm conversing with doesn't really have anything to respond with. Just a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold are sometimes enough for me. Writing also helps me process, even more than talking might. I'm not looking for answers when I blog, just an outlet to spew all over the page and get everything out in the open.

But through a series of conversations with a counselor at church I've come to find out that the reason I cry so easily is because I don't deal with my feelings. I experience them for a little while and then I shove them down in this steaming pot inside of me. It bubbles and gurgles, but I just keep adding fuel to the fire. Right now I'm upset about the whole situation with TheBoy, and I don't know how long I'm allowed to be hurting. So instead of dealing with all the things this breakup has brought my way, I just put them in this pot and slap on a brave face.

I want to be mad, but I fluctuate back and forth on that matter. In a sense I can't be mad at him. He did what he needed to do for his mental health. And at the same time I'm so angry about it that I just want to punch something, but instead of heading into the woods and screaming at the trees, I just hold it in my abdomen and refuse to confront it. I want to yell and cry and throw things at him, but what good would that do anyone? He has enough on his plate, why add my feelings to the mix? 

And I'm sad. I'm so sad that this future I was starting to let into my mind disappeared. TheBoy would always include me in his future when he spoke about the things that might happen in distant months, even years sometimes. I was so hesitant to include him in mine though, because of what happened with PC. Slowly he started to insert himself into my life anyway. I would talk about future travels and he would often ask if he was included. It made me start to feel safe with him, it made me start to consider that maybe he was planning on sticking around after all. That's when I made my fatal mistake and let my guard down. 

In the end, he couldn't deal with the commitment right now. He didn't want to get hurt again. He doesn't want to feel the way that I feel right now. And who can blame him? Feeling heartbroken sucks. So I put on a smile and I go about my day like I'm fine. Like I'm getting over it. And I am, I think. 

I know from experience that these feelings will go away eventually, but that I have to feel them first. I just wish that skipping steps was possible, so that I didn't have to feel anger and frustration before I could experience acceptance. It's hard to go day to day trying to forget about someone that you let yourself care about an immense amount only to spend the whole night dreaming that you were back together. 

Knowing that he left the door open for the future makes it even harder. Especially because this whole thing was not my decision, but I'm left with having to figure out whether I keep that door open or shut it myself. When I confronted TheBoy about whether or not he left the door open on purpose he looks at me like I'm stupid (but not in a condescending way, if that's possible) and says "Well, yeah!" 

And but why? Why would he do that? You can't have a relationship breakup that is "permanent for now" - his words, not mine. You can't have your cake and eat it to, although I've noticed that's what a lot of guys want. So in reality, I have to shut this door in order for me to move on and be happy in my life. Is he just saying that so he can come back if he doesn't find anything better? Because I am not playing that game. As stuck up as it may sound, I'm awesome and I deserve to be with someone who thinks so too - not someone who thinks he has to "settle" for me. Not that I think this is necessarily how TheBoy feels, but right now it's hard to tell. Not even he knows what he wants at the moment, which is the reason for this breakup anyway. 

It's just unfortunate that there's so much baggage that comes up when two people decide to split. I decided to let TheBoy inside, knowing that this would be the consequence. Making yourself vulnerable to another person affords them the ability to walk away from you at any time and take a piece of you with them. Granted I haven't had many boyfriends, but TheBoy was the best one so far. I don't think I ever told him that, but it's the truth. And now it doesn't even matter. 

Just like my feelings. 

I'll wade through them. I'll journal and I'll process and maybe I'll even get the courage to sit in my car in an empty parking lot and yell at the steering wheel for days just to see if it helps me feel better. It's not only time that you need in order to heal, it's a will to move past all the things that have hurt you and a courage to face a new day with a heart that won't give up. 

I know that right now I have no idea what I want and that this next year will be full of life altering decisions. It's both insanely frightening and completely exhilarating at the same time. Although honestly I think right now I'm just more scared than anything. 

Everything and Liebster

So far this is the weirdest Christmas vacation I have ever had in my life. Mostly because of how it started and how it's going to end. The middle really isn't so bad, if we're being honest.

Friday we were supposed to have school, you see. But because of what happened at Sandy Hook elementary and the "fact" that the world was supposed to end soon, some rumors were circling the area and freaking some students out. Students and faculty were worried that some of our own students would get this big idea that they were going to go out with a bang on Friday, shooting up the school. 

I don't know about you, but I take those kinds of threats seriously - because if you just ignore it I think it will happen. And then you have to look back with the guilt of knowing you could have stopped it. So the head honchos called off classes and started winter break early. Which is a little scary, but I'm glad those students never got the opportunity to make those rumors come to fruition. 

And then my graduation present arrived in the mail, taking my mind off of why school was out of session and setting it to focus on one thing and one thing only - my brand new macbook pro. My mom handed me this cardboard box and I sang a few lines of "brown paper packages tied up with striiiiing" and plopped myself down on the couch having no idea what was about to become of me. 

That cardboard box was so deceiving! I looked down inside and saw a smaller white box with a black handle. Looking back up at my mom, I smirked. I smirked a knowing kind of smirk - one that says "really? you got me this?" Thinking that I was about to pull out of a box of expensive art supplies. I was all sorts of prepared for new brushes and watercolors and pencils, etc. 

Instead I got the shock of my life. I texted TheBoy with all caps. You guys! This! This is what I have been wanting and wanting and wanting and wanting and just when you think you reached the end of my wanting there was a crazy underground wanting garage. But macs are so expensive! I never in my entire life thought they would buy it for me, those sneaky rotten so-and-so's! 

I was completely speechless for about ten minutes. It felt like I could only talk in fragmented sentences "I'm so... You guys! ...but really.... it's just... wow." And it kind of just went on like that as I proceeded to open up the box, remove my new computer, start it up, set it up, and figure it out. Their only mistake was giving it to me before dinner, because pulling me away from it to get out the door for pizza was almost impossible. 

But aside from all that awesomeness, I have to remind myself not to get caught up in the commotion of wanting winter break to be almost over. TheBoy doesn't come back until three days before my break is over and when he first told me that I was mad. I was selfish and self pitying, complaining to my mom that all I wanted was to spend longer than a weekend with him for once and he was freaking gone. And then I got over it because there's nothing either one of us can do about it. A weekend together is better than nothing so I'll take what I can get because I'd rather have some than none at all. 

So to distract myself, Mom and I made Stollen today, which is German Christmas bread in case you were wondering. We made four loaves and are currently down to only one....and we didn't give any away. I am not allowed to eat any carbs tomorrow, guys. I swear. I am doing good at this whole losing weight thing and I'm not going to let these holidays stop me! But that bread! It could be my downfall. 

And on a slightly related note, I have recently rediscovered a love of reading. I read The Hate List in a day, it was so good I couldn't put it down. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend that book. Although with all the Sandy Hook stuff going on, it hits a little close to home. In The Hate List it makes a small reference to the book Ender's Game - which caught my eye because I remember TheBoy had talked about liking that book. So I decided to read that one too. I think it took me three days to make it to the end. Such a good book - really. So now I need something new to devour over my Christmas vacation.

Reading always gives me ideas for writing too, and I had originally planned to write some sort of fiction piece for Friday's End of the World extravaganza, but then I ended up taking a nap instead. So there you go. I'd like to write more fiction though, I only have a couple pieces here on the blog, but I can't help feeling like I should do more. Maybe next week. 

Last, but not least, the great Stephanie whom I love and adore has tagged me in a blog post for the "Liebster Award" and so, you know the drill. Questions, answers, facts, more questions and tags. Ready....go!

The Qs: 

1. What's one thing you want for Christmas? Money. Honestly, the older I get the more that seems to come in handy. Plus, I already got my macbook pro so I'm pretty much set for life. 
2. What do you think our kids will say about the music we listen to? What will you say back? I'd like to think future generations will like the music we have now and they'll think it's cool because it's "retro" and then I'll play them some disco music to see what happens. We got to lay down that boogie and play that funky music til we diiiiiieeeeeee. Yes. 
3. Would you rather be eaten alive by kittens, or lick a hobo clean? Can I just completely opt out? I hate these kinds of questions. 
4. If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself? Oh man, I would tell myself not to waste so much time being hung up on PC. Seriously. 
5. What's one thing you're really bad at that you'd love to do well? Sing. I can't carry a tune in a bucket but I'd like to. 
6. How do you feel about bleached blonde hair? Some people can pull it off and some people can't. The people that can't should really learn that about themselves...
7. Would you rather be a Yankee or a Southerner? I used to think I wanted to be a Southerner but Pinterest kind of ruined that for me with all the "You should prefer Southern girls and if you don't, raise your standards" That just kind of made me want to punch them all in the face. I'll stick with being from Idaho. 
8. Have you ever written a letter to Santa? Do you remember if you got what you wanted? I wrote a letter to Santa in 2nd grade and I had a 4th grader "elf" write back to me. It was a school project and I had grown up knowing that Santa wasn't real, so I never put much stock in crossing my fingers that he would bring what I wanted. 
9. How old were you when you had yours first crush? 4th grade. I had the hugest crush on Marty Hawkins. It was bad. 
10. Do you prefer the country or the city? I'm a country girl, but I could make a suburb work depending on what city I was near. 
11. Do you want to be rich when you grow up? Truthfully I just want to have enough money to live a comfortable existence that afforded a plethora of traveling opportunities, beyond that is not my concern. 

The Facts:

1. I am a huge grinch. I love Christmas, but it just takes me a really long time to get in the spirit of the season. 
2. I wish that holidays were more family filled, but none of my family seems to make that a priority. 
3. We get a brand new puppy on monday! Heyo! 
4. I'm really good at CatchPhrase.
5. I think coming up with 11 facts about myself is more difficult than it should be. 
6. I am not a people person. 
7. The telephone and I are not friends. 
8. I fully believe that actions speak louder than words so if you say something, you better back it up. 
9. Speaking in accents is way more fun than speaking in my normal voice. 
10. Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and go live in a foreign country. 
11. I'm really glad I made it to the number 11 on this list. That was hard. 


The New Qs: 

1. What is one thing you've never tried before but really want to?
2. If you could pick one new instrument to play, what would it be? 
3. What is your absolute favorite book of all time? And if you can't pick just one, give me your top three. 
4. Favorite thing to drink? 
5. What's the question you get asked most often and how do you feel about that? 
6. What age do you most often get accused of being? 
7. How did you meet your best friend?
8. Favorite holiday tradition? 
9. What's the biggest mistake you've ever made? 
10. How old were you when you realized what you wanted to do with your life? 
11. What's your favorite thing to wear? 


And now the Tags:

(If I'm honest, I will tell you that there aren't a great many people here in the blog world I feel comfortable enough to tag in a post, especially because this past year my posts have been so irregular and that I don't really have a steady following, so I'll just tag some people anyway and see what happens.) 
Natalie
Stephanie (can I pick you even though you already got it? I really want to know your answer to my #3 because I'm in the market for new and good books!)
...and I'm done. I'd tag Alana but Steph beat me to it.