Today was difficult. So was yesterday. This weekend was fine. I was busy, I was hanging out with friends, I got all dressed up for a night on the town with the girls. All that stuff kept my mind going.
I feel like during the school week is when it's most difficult. I just want to talk to him and be next to him. I want to know if he misses me, but truthfully no one knows and I'm scared to ask him. My worst fear is that he'll start dating someone else.
I know a few of you just rolled your eyes and mentally willed me to put on my big girl panties and quit caring, but regardless of what you think a couple weeks is not enough time for me to quit caring about someone that I really never thought I would ever be apart from.
My heart just hurts. Some days more than others, and while I am trying to focus on not making him the center of my life anymore sometimes that means I have to chant to myself that I don't need him over and over again on my way to class. And then it just gets thrown into the bucket when I see a mutual friend. A flood tide of emotions just overwhelms me.
I wish I could just take a week off. No school, no work, nothing, and just leave this place. Or if I could sit down and talk to Prince face to face and get everything out of my system. But I just can't do either of those things. Prince doesn't want to see me for a month. Fine. I will try to respect his wishes. But let the record show that I am a happier person when we are together.
And what I really honestly need to just figure out is how to be happy without him. Because I don't know yet how to do that. When I'm busy and with friends my mind doesn't dwell on him. But the second I'm back in my dorm room, well, all bets are off.
At this point, instead of talking to Prince Charming when I miss him I've converted a notebook and just write him letters there. I haven't decided if it's helping me or hurting me yet. I think helping, because then I don't talk to him and I have a place where I can just write how I feel without be judged or worrying about spelling or grammar or tear stains.
But, as much as I wish I could go back in the past and undo what was done, I have to find some way to move on and move past this. I just can't honestly imagine feeling the same way about someone else as I do for Prince. Whether he realizes it or not, I really do still love him and I wish with all my heart that he still loved me too.