I read this blog about 20 somethings. It's funny, it's interesting, and most of all I'm completely shocked at how accurately it describes my life. Sometimes a post is exactly how I feel on the inside, only I didn't know how to put words to it. Much less thought that someone else could be going through exactly what I'm going through.
This post was especially spot on. With the exception that I'm still living at home instead of moved out on my own, but basically it describes feelings that I didn't know how to explain. Growing up is not an easy thing to do, and no one leads you to believe it is.
But it is also so much harder than anyone can ever tell. You will change in so many ways that at first you won't understand. Not only are you becoming yourself, but your parents are also learning how to let you go.
There are things I don't know how to tell my parents. Like I don't feel like I need their advice anymore, but that sounded too harsh to me. Because sometimes I do need to hear what they have to say. Going back to that post though, it's okay for me to not need their advice. I have to learn to make my own choices, whether they agree with them or not.
Mostly, I really just want to hear that everything is going to be okay. That I am going to make it in this world. I beat myself up enough as it is, and I just want reassurance that things are gonna be just fine and someone somewhere is proud of me. That's not to say that my parents aren't telling me that they're proud or they love me, because they do. And they're awesome at it. Most of the time.
There was a moment in the kitchen the other day between me and my dad. We don't always have the greatest relationship, but he's my dad and he loves me. He's got this thing he does, where if you are disappointed about something he has this fake little crying whimper noise he makes. I'm really good at imitating it if you ever want to hear it sometime. He uses it to make fun of you, because what you're disappointed about isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes his timing is comedic and sometimes it makes you want to punch him.
I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter talking to my mom. You see, there are these beautiful puppies that we want to buy. Two of them, one for me and one for TheMechanic and TheSister. The little black balls of fuzz are 100 dollars apiece and I'm not sure I have the money to buy my own. This little dog has my heart, guys. She's adorable and I've already named her and now I just need to commit and save the money and do what it takes.
My dad waltzed in to the kitchen during our conversation and I fully expected him to pull that fake crying whimper move like always because I was complaining. I wasn't really excited to hear the huh-huh-huh sniffle sniffle boo hoo hooing so I braced myself and got on the defensive.
Apparently he was only going in for a hug. And he was also somewhat offended that I didn't know that's what he was doing. What can I say? Old habits die hard. But he's trying to change our relationship. It needs to change. We can't keep doing this dance anymore. This dance where we get along one moment and not the next.
I don't need my parents to parent me anymore. But that's what they've done for my whole life, it's what comes natural to them. Changing that is going to be a rough and tumble process. It hurts and it's messy and there's no user's manual or book you can read to magically make everything all better for everyone. There is one thing I know though, it won't be this way forever and someday we'll figure it all out. And then we'll look back on this and laugh. Huge rolling belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and wake up the next day with sore abs. That's the best kind of laughter, in my opinion. The very best kind.