Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Home Stretch Is The Hardest


Dudes, my life has been a flurry of motion lately. And let me tell you just that I am completely exhausted. I was trying to figure out exactly what has been going on with me and I believe I'm in what's called a "funk." Yes, that word just seems to fit perfectly.

I have been down on myself for feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not this enough or that enough and it has just not been good for my self esteem. In fact, it's rightly driving me nuts, because it's silly to think those things about myself. I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, this enough, that enough, you know how it is. I know, I mean, I know. But still I continue to wonder, to doubt, to worry.

I am just tired of school and anything that has to do with school and class and grades. I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do this semester. If I'm not careful, I will drive myself crazy with trying to do everything all at once. The end of this semester is rapidly approaching and I have so much work to crank out that I just feel like there is a boulder dangling right above my head and it's about to fall and crush my skull in any minute now. I want so much to just get away from here, to get out of this town, out of this bad weather and leave it all behind, never look back. I need some sunshine, some vacation time, and more Jesus. Jesus all the time!

Spring break was just not long enough. It was nice, almost too nice because it was 80 degrees and sunny the entire week. But I needed more than just a week. I need a month, or two. Or three. Maybe a year. And call me selfish, but I don't want to wait until after I graduate to take that break. I only have to keep pushing through until December, but good gravy that feels so far away right now. It feels like it will never get here and I will be perpetually stuck in this endless cycle of artwork, homework, and exhaustion. This semester ends in May and then I will have to take two summer courses until the end of June and right now, I just don't want to. Not even a little bit.

You know, I have been at this whole school thing since I was five. I had literally just turned five when I started kindergarten and I haven't had a break since. I don't know if you know this, but I'm 21 now. That 16 years I've been going to class and completing homework. And then I thought it was a smart idea to major in education, so I will become a teacher and be stuck in a school forever.

I feel like I will never escape and right now I'm questioning whether or not this is what I really want, because right now I'm not convinced. I want to travel and photograph and paint and draw and not be accountable for a little while. I look around at my friends who are married and have families and I think that that is not something I want right now. I'd love to be married and have a traveling buddy who will just take off with me and have crazy inside jokes and love Jesus, but I don't think I could have a family. I'm not ready to try my hand at being mom. I'm not ready to give up my freedom. No one is asking me to do that, it's just thoughts that come into my head.

I just need some time off from everything. I want to sleep in until I can't sleep anymore. I want to get out of town and be somewhere where no one expects anything from me. Well, that might not exactly be true, but I definitely want all this pressure off of my shoulders. If I could just drop everything and move away right now, I'd probably do it. But then this little conscience of mine tells me that I can do it, I can make it to December and then I can take all the time off from school I need. I can go wherever I want to and be whoever I want to be.

So I push onwards and upwards. God, please help December just get here already.

3 comments:

  1. I can definitely relate to this... although I have a couple of years left before I can kick back and have an extended break... and even then I'm sure life will throw more into my lap... although I wouldn't mind the whole get married and have family thing... that's the kind of work that I'd prefer to be doing than going to a 9-5 job, but that's just me. It would be nice to get away and travel for a couple of months and do... nothing but relax, sleep, and just enjoy life.

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  2. I know exactly what you mean. I'm right there with you. My future is day to day - I enjoy student teaching when I'm there. When I'm not teaching I find myself questioning everything. I don't feel ready - I feel like my mentor teachers aren't seeing improvement. I feel like I am making a mistake some times. I question if this is what I really want often. I think to be down this road is to doubt and wonder and wish for an out.

    I have been itching to get away. I want nothing more than to leave and never look back, too. But I know that can't happen yet. I don't have the funds. I can't even apply for teaching jobs where I'd like to because of this lack of funds.

    I can just say this, once you're in the classroom and are teaching then you'll know if it meant to be. And try to do better than me and don't let the TPA, exhaustion, and doubt get you down. Focus on the fact that teaching is amazing and ignore the things that make it harder. The TPA, exhaustion, and doubt isn't forever... however I'm told the constant feeling of being behind and believing you'll never catch up is a permanent choice of teaching...

    I also know how this kind of busy schedule is killing you. That was me last semester. I hope you don't lose friends in the process of your last class semester ending, though. Like I apparently did. I hope that you do take some time for yourself and don't keep too busy. Try to find some way to unwind everyday.

    And when you're in town again, don't be a stranger. And especially when you're student teaching, don't be a stranger. I'll help in whatever ways I can - even if it's just letting you vent about the TPA or lesson planning or if you just want to scream or cry. I've been there and it sucks not having someone to know what you're going through.

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