JUST WHAT I NEEDED

Today I think was one of the first days where it has actually felt like autumn. It was windy and rainy and just downright gloomy outside, which actually pleased the dusty little corners of my soul because I just needed a gloomy day is why.

Working inside the restaurant, running back and forth, seating tables, telling servers, cleaning all the things because it's slow. I worked up the temperature of my body and my sweater was just a pinch too hot. But then I walked outside in the rain and weird cloudy dim lighting and just, I didn't ever want to go back inside again.

It was a soft rain that drizzled down from the sky in the sort of way that is just the perfect kind of rain. And the wind was blowing my bangs in my face just like so. And I wished that Nathan wasn't at work so that somebody could share that simple little moment with me so I didn't have to be alone. But he wasn't and I was and still, it was a pretty good moment.

Actually it was kind of exactly what I needed in a weird way.

I unlocked my car and sat in the driver's seat listening to the rain drops beat against the roof of my Lancer. The leaves on the trees rustled in the breeze and the clouds were this dark grey color against a grey sky and I probably could have sat there forever watching the world move around me. It was peaceful and satisfying in a way that almost makes you want to cry.

I know I'm being dramatic here, but go with it.

And then I drove to the grocery store with this insane need to buy all the things to make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies but then I decided to just go home and watch Gilmore Girls instead because I didn't have "the" recipe and also, I didn't know what we had at home and I really wasn't keen on buying all the things and then having doubles of stuff I didn't really need. I mean, good grief.

So. Gilmore girls it was.

Once Nathan got back from work we went to the gym and then made breakfast for dinner, which is the best kind of dinner, and then we sat around asking ourselves just what we should be doing now. And if you're new around here, this is a constant debate.

We are always looking at each other and asking "well, what should we do now?" and then we roll our eyes because we can't ever decide on a thing to do as one of us (me) is listing off ideas and the other of us (nathan) is being frustratingly noncommittal. But this is real life and what are you gonna do?

So we dug down into our souls real deep and decided that we should go to the mall to buy some new jeans. And we ended up buying a nice pair of new jeans (on sale!) and then three sample bottles of lotion from bath and bodyworks because impulse purchases are the best? I don't know, it just felt right at the time.

And if today is any indicator of how fall is going to go, then maybe it won't be so bad after all.

in that moment, i was a little girl again

So this last weekend I spent the night with T Lily out at her farm. We watched her brother play pro football Saturday night and then spent Sunday wandering aimlessly through fields throwing sticks for the dogs and lounging about in the sunshine.

T Lily grew up living the kind of life that I dreamed about. Horses, fields, dogs, four wheelers, big trucks, you name it I dreamed about it and she owned it. When I was in elementary school, and even on into middle school too, I would have given my left kidney to own a horse. (Not my right kidney, I like him too much. You know how it goes.) I roamed around our backyard pretending to feed my invisible horses (who all had names and different breeds and how many hands high they stood) and I zoomed down the street on my bicycle which I also pretended was a horse.

I would set up three "barrels" and race around them, changing my lead foot depending on what barrel I was coming around.

But Miss T Lily? She lived it. She raced in the rodeo, where I could only imagine myself in her shoes. I lived and breathed horses for a good chunk of my childhood, holding out hope that someday we would buy some acreage and my dreams would turn into reality.

Once we moved across town, I was 13 and just about to enter high school. I had lost that wide eyed wonder of hoping against hope that I could live on a ranch. I chalked it up to a little girl's horse phase and silently moved on to more "realistic" ideas. Dreaming about living on a farm? For babies! I declared, as I tried not to let on to the fact that I would never get what I wanted.

Honestly, I'd done a pretty good job of forgetting too. I was content with my life in town. With my backyard and dog. I didn't need anything else.

And then this weekend? You guys. I died. I died and I went to heaven and I never ever wanted to come home. It was all I could do to not turn into that little girl again. I had a hard time not getting giddy about everything. I think I asked T Lily a grand total of a bajillion times if I could just live there. Just stay on that farm with those beautiful animals and those wide open fields and those huge trucks forever.

Everyone always told me "You don't really want to live on a farm. It's a bunch of hard work." But they don't understand how I feel when I'm there. There was a sign one time I found on vacation that said "Home is where your heart says 'aaaaaah.'" And if that's the truth, then that farm in podunk Washington was my home. It was everything I had ever wanted and more.

Standing out in the middle of the lawn, throwing a stick for a dog to fetch, breathing in the scent of warm hay and horses, I was that little girl again. I was home.

Spring Break 2012

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I didn't want spring break to be over. Ever. 

Who I Am Today

Lately I have been thinking about what it was like for me when I was still a lowly little college freshmen. I remember walking up the big hill at 8:15 in the morning on my way to my first ever university class. It was English 101 with one of the funniest and most inappropriate professors I've ever had. It smelled like the first day of school - you know what I mean. Brand new backpacks, crispy lined paper, pencil shavings and lattes. The sidewalks and hallways were crowded so that one felt as though they were a salmon trying to swim upstream.

It was awesome. 

I didn't feel like I belonged there. At the ripe old age of 17, I felt as though all these people could sense that I was so naive. Fresh meat. Easy to take advantage of. I remember this overwhelming feeling of despair. I had just finished 13 years of public schooling, having been enrolled since the age of five, and I was completely unprepared to spend four more years with piles of never ending homework followed by exams I had no will power to study for. 

Making new friends doesn't exactly come easily to me since I'm not really a people person, but I lived with my friends from high school and our hall became really close. They made it easier to bear the homework load and helped me overcome that feeling of failure when I bombed an exam. Or two. Our bonds were so strong that I'm still friends with many of the people I lived with that fateful freshmen year. 

But now, here I am, in my senior year of study. It's my last fall semester in Moscow. My life has done a 180 degree flip. I find myself flopping between emotions of impatience to be finished and longing for this to never be over. I am quickly approaching the idea of the "adult" world, and it makes me both nervous and excited although I can't honestly tell you which feeling is more prominent. 

I used to spend my nights wishing that I could be anywhere but here, and now I find myself wondering where exactly will I end up once this is all over? College has been a unique experience. I have grown up and grown out and grown in. The future is a scary mistress. She makes you wonder where you will end up and if you will still talk to your friends. She makes you question your decisions and think about what you want out of life. And that frightens me. 

Honestly, I don't know what I want in life. I'm in school to be a teacher, and while I love art and I have a passion towards working with others in a creative context, I don't think it's something I want to do for the rest of my life. 

The horror stories of those especially wonderful students makes me question whether or not this is the right profession for me. I'm not looking forward to dealing with those tough cases, but I've heard that if you crack them it's the most rewarding experience. And that is kind of exciting. Which I suppose means that I shouldn't really be too worried about this decision, but you know. It goes through my mind in cycles. 

But what I really want out of life is just to feel like I've lived it. My dad has classified me as the rebel child. I pretty much just do what I want, when I want, how I want to. My favorite song is "Wild One" by Faith Hill, because when I was little I wanted to be that girl. I have a nose piercing. I want a tattoo someday. I make mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. I mean to say, that I am practically a professional mistake maker. I probably deserve some kind of award even for being so fantastic at regretful decision making. 

That's not to say I don't make a plethora of good decisions though. Because I am also pretty fantastic at that as well. I just know myself, and I have to get lost a few times before I get it right. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I started out this whole college journey throwing a huge temper tantrum and dragging my little feet through the mud, I'm actually glad I'm here. I'm glad it happened. I'm sad it's coming to an end, and a little part of me is definitely going to miss my college years. 

I don't think they are necessarily the best years of my life, but I know they definitely played a heavy hand in defining me as the lovely person I am today. If it weren't for all those bumps in the road along the way, I'd never fully appreciate exactly what it is I have right now.