BEGINNING RANT TRANSMISSION

Being an adult is stupid. Being an adult when you look like you belong in high school is even stupider. And trying to teach high school when you look like a student is the stupidest.

I would be okay with telling you that probably 90% of my students love me. I mean, there will always be the ones that drive me nuts but as a general rule my students are pretty awesome. Mostly I think that I think this because they tell me that I'm their favorite teacher almost every day. It's real good for my ego.

But also, I am kind of stressed out, you guys. For a lot of different reasons and it just makes me want to complain all the time and gripe about how much things just kind of majorly suck - but, look, I'm trying to be positive here, okay? However, it doesn't really seem to be working.

My principal was in my room for an unannounced formal evaluation Monday during fifth period. I love my principal, but you know, evaluations and things. So my students are painting these days, which is messy and chaotic and I'm all sorts of here and there and everywhere. They all have a billion and three questions, which I'm supposed to be the one answering them all because I'm the teacher. It was pretty crazy in here during that fifth period, I tell you. But, right? It's always crazy. It's art class.

So I was feeling a little rocky about this evaluation, you guys. I think it borders on dumb reasons like holding myself to a really high standard because I'm supposed to be good at this, right? And dudes, I was unprepared for that meeting. He thinks I have a good handle on my classes. It's okay that it's a little chaotic sometimes, I mean, art! For crying out loud, Natalie! And then I breathed this mondo sigh of relief as his only real critique for me was that I needed to dress a little more professional.

I look like the kids, these days. And that's not because I don't wear dress slacks and nice shirts it's just because I look stupid amounts of young. Like maybe I could be 17 years old kind of young. This is a source of great frustration unto my being. But you know, I figured I'd buy some new clothes soon and it would all be okay. He didn't seem mad about it, he wasn't mean about it, just trying to help me out with some good advice. And that was the end of that. High fives all around!

But that actually wasn't the end of that for me. I guess that some people are talking about it behind my back? Did you know that? Teaching high school can sometimes be like being in high school, and isn't that kind of sad? I felt like I was dressing to the same level as my fellow teachers, but I guess when your face looks like a baby and you're not any taller than the majority of your students, then people think you're not as professional as them when you don't dress to the nines every day. What, do I just need to come to work in a nice suit now? I'm an art teacher. I can't afford to buy really nice clothes to have them ruined in my art room with paint and glaze and glue and whatever else I get myself into.

I guess it looks like I'm going to start wearing an apron all the time so that people know I'm the teacher.

Clothes is a lame thing to get worked up about. But here I am.

Look, there is this love hate relationship thing I have going on with my first year of teaching. The other art teacher has loads more experience than me, she already has a sense of who she is as a teacher. She already knows how to deliver lessons. She's worked out her classroom management. And here I am, the full time teacher, still floundering around like I may or may not know what I'm doing. Her students got themselves in the paper today and what have my students done? Why am I not more involved? Why am I not pushing things more, necessarily?

I'll tell you why. I'll tell you exactly that I am having a tough time just staying afloat in this, the busiest of my life professions. I am behind on grading, I'm just now starting to get a real handle on my classes and who I am as an educator of art. I'm starting to figure out how to best deliver assignments and I'm doing research that other teachers have already done in their years of teaching their subjects to best figure out how to say the stuff and do the things and be the teacher. This is my first year EVER not my first year at this new school, do you know that?

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how they go through their first year and dress awesome and get involved with all the things and teach perfectly all the time. And you know why I don't know that? It's because NO BODY gets everything right their first year. And I feel like some people, the more they go on with their career, the more the memories of their first year struggles fade.

I'm sorry my clothes aren't nicer. I'm unmarried and poor. I'm living on my own income and no one else is supporting me. I'm sorry I haven't been more involved with things outside of school, but I'm still trying to figure things out inside of school.

And what's even more ridiculous is that I spend all this time yelling at myself inside my head because, hey, I could be better. I should be more involved with the things. I should be doing this and going here and standing out everywhere and doing all these things that other people expect me to be doing. I should be doing all the things, you guys. Besides, this is the real world. And in the real world nobody gives you any breaks because you're new, right? You just have to be amazing all the time, is how I feel about it. So how can I complain? Because no matter what job I go to or where I end up there will always be things like clothes following me around.

My advice to myself is just to suck it up and keep on going. Being an adult is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done.

END RANT TRANSMISSION

because everything changes

Well dudes, big announcement! Remember how I was formerly unemployed and living in the land of find a job? It seems that I have stepped up in this world to join the ranks of the working class citizens! Hip, hip, hooray!

This will hopefully not only provide the extravagant opportunity to bring home the dolla billz, but also it will aide in getting me out of this house. Not that I don't enjoy being here every. single. day...but we all know where I want to be.

I was reminiscing on this in the shower just a few moments ago. You see, we were sitting in the living room yesterday when my father made a comment about the totes that I moved from the shed into the house. He wanted to know how long they were going to be taking up space in our living quarters. Whether or not he intended to sound gruff is yet to be determined, and I tried not to take it too hard. But honestly, Dad, where do you want me to put my stuff?

I made the mistake of remarking yet again that I do not live here by choice. Those kinds of comments are not pleasing unto my father's ears, for understandable reasons.

But let me ask you this:

If you were previously dwelling in an apartment where you had your own room and space for your things would you enjoy moving to a place where you had no room, all your valuables were stored in a shed in the backyard and even though you did a lot of errand running, escorting your younger sister around, cleaning and cooking, you were still counted as lazy because, well, why haven't you got a job yet? What do you do all day? Just sit on your bum?

Frankly, I don't feel like I belong here. This is my parents' house. This is where my brothers and sister are currently residing and almost all the time I feel like a stranger. Or a guest. Who does a lot of chores. Like the hired-help without the payment. I don't have a bedroom and I'm sleeping in our travel trailer with only my duffle bag of clothes and a fan for company.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love seeing them and spending time with them. I miss them when I'm not here. And it's nice to eat my mom's cooking again. But I'm not happy. Trying to talk to my dad about it is out of the question too, because I start to bring up how I don't really like living in the trailer and he just gets mad at me. I guess he told my mom that he was done fighting with me, which I appreciate because when I first got here every conversation we had was a disagreement of some sort, but now it's like I don't even know what to say to him at all, lest something I say be misconstrued or misunderstood.

And things with my brother were bad at first too. He really liked to dog me about getting a job and most of the time I felt like I had two fathers ridiculing me every time I turned around. My situation with TheKeeper has marginally improved once I found out why he kept snapping at me. And I was honestly kind of shocked at what he had to say. You see, he's mad about the way money has been handled between me and my father and some of our arrangements. He blames me as being the reason that he has or hasn't gotten some of the help that he needed. So instead of being mad at our father and talking to him about his financial upsets, he was mad at me. But I have no control over the things my father decides to do or to not do, so how am I at fault?

I promise it's not like I don't want to fit in here, this is my family and I love them, but honestly guys? This is everything I was scared of happening coming to fruition.

I just want a bedroom. I want to be able to unpack my things and hang up my pictures and feel like I live here again. Moscow is a great escape because I don't have to walk on eggshells around anybody there and no one gets mad at me. I don't feel like anyone down there has a plan for my life and they're not trying to squish me into a mold or a certain direction that they believe I should be headed down. I can make my own decisions, and even though some people may not make the same decisions, it's all part of life and growing up.

I like talking to my parents about my decisions, but I hate getting ridiculed when they think I've made the wrong one. I think it's healthy to dialogue about big choices with people who have more insight and experience than I do, and my parents not only have more experience but they also can provide a Godly perspective. I just wish the family dynamic was a little different. I want to enjoy my time spent living back in the town from where I graduated high school. Hopefully the new job helps with that. A source of income is always welcome.

Small Injustices

I've been really good about not posting, huh? July has just been full of things that I don't really want to put out in cyberspace, do you know? But really, lots of things have been happening, I'm just not quite ready to talk about them.

And I haven't been really taking a lot of pictures, so I can't really fall back on a wordless post chalk full of images that do all the talking. Sorry about that, too. So, what have I been doing? Well, walking, for one. Cooking. Cleaning. Re-arranging. Hanging out with new people. Discovering new things about myself and about other people in my life.

Oh yeah, and I'm being taunted mercilessly by those people who are supposed to be, you know, my family. Do they ever just think it is absolutely hilarious to send me pictures of all the fun they get to have and all of their new toys.

It was funny at first, actually. My dad was posting pictures to Facebook of their trip to Kirkland where they were hanging out with my aunt and uncle in the middle of the woods. He talked about grilling dinner, smelling campfire smoke, and being with two of my favorite people. And. I. Hated. Every. Second. Of. It. I seriously wanted to be there so bad it hurt, but I work on Saturdays and that makes doing things over the weekend REALLY HARD. But guess what? Everybody else gets to work during the week, so their weekends are free. Cue emanating death rays of hate.

Oh, and then TheMechanic texts me about getting to eat pie. He actually sent me a picture of the stupid thing for the 4th of July - which I actually spent with PC who wouldn't even move off the couch to come outside and watch fireworks with me. Seriously, the LAMEST 4th I think I've ever had.

Then, DP texted me they were going camping. At Big Hank. Which is my favorite, just so you know. And do you know that I wake up in the morning and walk outside into the sunshine and I can just smell all of the plants and the fields and my heart just aches to go spend the night in a tent. I want to go camping SO BAD. And they never tell me when they are going so I can never plan to go with them.

And finally, TheKeeper sent me a picture of his brand spanking new Apple computer. I officially hate my entire family.

Okay, so I don't really hate them, but I'm seriously tired of everybody getting to do incredibly fun stuff and get new things and then tell me about it all while I'm stuck here in stupid Moscow too broke to go anywhere else.

The icing on the cake you ask? Even PC got asked to go camping with his friend for a weekend. My feelings couldn't have been more hurt.

You Know Your Monday Will Be Fun When

-You wake up after one of the weirdest dreams of your life which involves you trying to puncture water blisters with a rusty safety pin

-You decide to wear dressy shoes with your 'nice' shirt and discover your shoes love you less than you love them

-In thanks for trying to look cute, the universe give you the big blisters you dreamed about and now your feet ache

-The under wire on your favorite bra snaps in half and poke you all day because you can't go home an change it

-You walk across campus barefoot because to wear your Devil heels requires too much effort and pain

-Your shoulder knots up after carrying two heavy packs on one side while walking across campus barefoot

-And you realize that tomorrow even though you don't have class until 12:30, you have to work from 7:30pm to 11:30 pm right after you get out of Comm 101 at 7:20 and you really don't want to.

So far, I've been back from spring break for one day and I already can't wait until summer. It'll be back to camp for me again this year. I'm totally looking forward to it. Most of my favorite people will be there!!

And all that stuff with my job that was freaking me out? Yeah, it's coming together. Slowly but surely. I'm going to meet with the lady who bought Java because, after talking to her about it, she wants to keep me on at her shop. It looks like I will still get to work in the Admin Bldg after all! 

I think a nap is in order. We'll go from there.