Wednesday, July 18, 2012

because everything changes

Well dudes, big announcement! Remember how I was formerly unemployed and living in the land of find a job? It seems that I have stepped up in this world to join the ranks of the working class citizens! Hip, hip, hooray!

This will hopefully not only provide the extravagant opportunity to bring home the dolla billz, but also it will aide in getting me out of this house. Not that I don't enjoy being here every. single. day...but we all know where I want to be.

I was reminiscing on this in the shower just a few moments ago. You see, we were sitting in the living room yesterday when my father made a comment about the totes that I moved from the shed into the house. He wanted to know how long they were going to be taking up space in our living quarters. Whether or not he intended to sound gruff is yet to be determined, and I tried not to take it too hard. But honestly, Dad, where do you want me to put my stuff?

I made the mistake of remarking yet again that I do not live here by choice. Those kinds of comments are not pleasing unto my father's ears, for understandable reasons.

But let me ask you this:

If you were previously dwelling in an apartment where you had your own room and space for your things would you enjoy moving to a place where you had no room, all your valuables were stored in a shed in the backyard and even though you did a lot of errand running, escorting your younger sister around, cleaning and cooking, you were still counted as lazy because, well, why haven't you got a job yet? What do you do all day? Just sit on your bum?

Frankly, I don't feel like I belong here. This is my parents' house. This is where my brothers and sister are currently residing and almost all the time I feel like a stranger. Or a guest. Who does a lot of chores. Like the hired-help without the payment. I don't have a bedroom and I'm sleeping in our travel trailer with only my duffle bag of clothes and a fan for company.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love seeing them and spending time with them. I miss them when I'm not here. And it's nice to eat my mom's cooking again. But I'm not happy. Trying to talk to my dad about it is out of the question too, because I start to bring up how I don't really like living in the trailer and he just gets mad at me. I guess he told my mom that he was done fighting with me, which I appreciate because when I first got here every conversation we had was a disagreement of some sort, but now it's like I don't even know what to say to him at all, lest something I say be misconstrued or misunderstood.

And things with my brother were bad at first too. He really liked to dog me about getting a job and most of the time I felt like I had two fathers ridiculing me every time I turned around. My situation with TheKeeper has marginally improved once I found out why he kept snapping at me. And I was honestly kind of shocked at what he had to say. You see, he's mad about the way money has been handled between me and my father and some of our arrangements. He blames me as being the reason that he has or hasn't gotten some of the help that he needed. So instead of being mad at our father and talking to him about his financial upsets, he was mad at me. But I have no control over the things my father decides to do or to not do, so how am I at fault?

I promise it's not like I don't want to fit in here, this is my family and I love them, but honestly guys? This is everything I was scared of happening coming to fruition.

I just want a bedroom. I want to be able to unpack my things and hang up my pictures and feel like I live here again. Moscow is a great escape because I don't have to walk on eggshells around anybody there and no one gets mad at me. I don't feel like anyone down there has a plan for my life and they're not trying to squish me into a mold or a certain direction that they believe I should be headed down. I can make my own decisions, and even though some people may not make the same decisions, it's all part of life and growing up.

I like talking to my parents about my decisions, but I hate getting ridiculed when they think I've made the wrong one. I think it's healthy to dialogue about big choices with people who have more insight and experience than I do, and my parents not only have more experience but they also can provide a Godly perspective. I just wish the family dynamic was a little different. I want to enjoy my time spent living back in the town from where I graduated high school. Hopefully the new job helps with that. A source of income is always welcome.


  1. My dear Nat, you have a bad case of the "I feel sorry for me's" and for your own peace of mind and heart, I suggest you take it to the Lord and leave it there. Consider being grateful for a place to live and food to eat. Set your mind on that which is good and allow no room for the enemy of your soul to plant the seed of bitterness inside you. We all have to face things we wish were different. It is how we grow as a Christian and also as a person. Your brother was very unkind to lay his own frustrations at your feet. Don't accept them as belonging to you. When your dad was your age, he moved into a house with 5 guys and for a year, he lived out of his suitcase and slept on the livingroom floor. I never heard him complain once, even though I knew he hated the conditions. You have a trailer--and a nice one--to escape to. I suggest thanking God for all you have might be a good use of your time. Also, when your dad came back to live with gramps and me, two times, and brought his dog too, we had rules. He had to help pay the bills, mow the lawn, wash the car, etc. It is only fair that those who live in the house take care of it by doing the chores that need to be done. I know you will not be happy reading this, but I love you to death, would do anything for you, and can't stand to see you in such turmoil. Leave it with the only One who can calm your spirit. It sounds to me like you are listening too much to the enemy's voice. Close the door to it or it will eat you alive. Ask me how I know that. Been there, done that. Love always, Oma

  2. Hi dear. I understand your frustration.

    You're trying to do the best you can with what you have and what you know.

    Venting is OK, sometimes just getting it out can make it seem better.

    I hope you like your new job and that you start to feel better about your current situation. I've been there, being in your early 20s can sometimes be hard to navigate, but it's possible and you'll be just fine. :)



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