Sometimes there are moments in time that we would like to freeze and hold on to forever. A couple of those moments happened to me this weekend. In my head I keep reliving it over and over again, because it makes me smile.
This boy of mine, he is something special. I was visiting him this weekend and the more time I spend with him the more I like him. Which is both scary and exciting. He was sitting on one of the couches in his living room and as I went to sit down on the futon in the corner he grabbed my hand and said "C'mere you" and pulled me down next to him. In a joking voice, I asked him if I was no longer allowed to sit on the futon and his reply caught me completely off guard. He said "No, I just wanted to be near you." It was just as simple as that. But it's been so long since a boy has said something like to me that I just didn't know what to do. So I blushed and smiled and buried my head in his shoulder.
My stomach does this little lurching thing when I catch him staring at me. It usually results in me making an awkward face or mouthing the word 'what' with questioning eyebrows and a smile. Being stared at makes me a little uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. Which makes it entertaining for him to just stare and see what weird thing I will do next.
Which is something I like about him. He is weird. I am weird. And together we are the most awesomely weird that weird could be. We get lost in our own little weird world. It's been a long time since I've let a boy that far in. PC and I split two years ago, and after that I said no more! SVI was a little closer than the smattering of other boys who tried to infiltrate my world, but I used the fact that I was moving away as an excuse not to let anyone near me.
And then, well. The Boy.
He makes me want to think about the future. He makes me want to go on grand adventures. He makes me want to let him in. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He makes me feel comfortable enough to be myself.
That was actually one of the first things that attracted me to him. We were comfortable around each other. We could be weird and nerdy and just plain not normal around each other with no worries of impending judgments or scaring the other person off. It was okay to say something completely and totally random and off topic or make a funny face out of the blue. I never felt that way around SVI and it has been so long since I felt that with PC that I almost forgot what it felt like at all.
I'm scared to like him as much as I do. I feel like each time I've tried to do that, I've been let down. Fear isn't something that should keep you from trying because then you will always walk around wondering about the what-ifs of the situation. But I remember the heartbreak after PC and I never want to go through that again as long as I live.
I just don't want to get invested in this boy and then get left high and dry again. But then I wonder if I am going to be missing out on a wonderful opportunity because I was too scared to try. And well bet me if I'm going to let that happen.
So I decided to jump. I want to see where this goes and I'm willing to risk the heartache to do it. Those last two sentences scare the crap out of me. Thinking it in my head is one thing, but putting it in writing in another. And this is even the second time that I wrote it down, the first being in the long conversation I had with T Lily earlier.
Fear should not be a defining factor in this kind of decision making. Not unless I'm going to be okay what-if-ing my life away. Besides that, if things fall through with this boy and I need someone to pick me back up off the floor and glue me back together I have plenty of people who will be there for me if fit hits the shan.
Things are gonna be okay. I jumped and now I'm falling. Someone catch me.