on being myself

I think it is important to note that I am strongly introverted. Opening myself up wide for everyone to see is not generally my idea of a good time and if I happen to be surrounded with a plethora of people I will always take some time to find an uninhabited room where I can hang out by myself. It's not that I don't enjoy company, it's just that company is exhausting and sooner or later I'll have to recharge my batteries by escaping your endless supply of jokes and stories.

Operating this way makes it difficult for me to feel like I can trust people with all the things that go on in my head and my heart. At small group, I found myself rarely talking or communicating because I didn't feel a deep sense of connection to the people I was surrounded with. Also, I didn't really like them all that much because I never felt important or part of the group. Always an outsider, I felt like I was never on anyone's mind outside of our meeting time Monday nights. Which, to me, is very sad. Especially because my cousin and her husband were the ones hosting our small group anyway.

Our church doesn't put an emphasis on college and young adult aged people. We are low on the priority list. Our small group lasts for a couple of months and then goes on a long break. There is nothing offered for us, and every time I have tried to step up and say I wanted to be involved with leadership to set something up I have been shut down and rudely blown off. So when I heard about another church who had a really good college program I jumped on that bandwagon like there was no tomorrow.

Immediately I felt loved and accepted and important. I started off sitting by myself in one of the back rows. Three guys came up and introduced themselves to me and one girl made me come sit with her and her friends. After worship was over I spotted someone I knew from my previous small group and I moved to sit by him. I liked the familiarity of being next to a person who already knew me, so I was actually able to relax and enjoy the sermon.

And let me just tell you about this boy for a second, okay? Because, you guys, he amazes me.

First it should be noted that I'm not someone who assumes that I hold any sort of importance to people. I can blend in with the walls and just skate around without causing any wakes with my motions. So when this boy told me something last night it caught me completely off guard.

Back story:
I've only spoken to him a handful of times. One of those times was after I found out some really bad news about my dad right before I had to leave for small group. I brought it up as a prayer request and then spent probably a half hour afterwards crying while conversing with this boy. His words were exactly what I needed to hear and I'm convinced it was God speaking through him. He told me I was worth it and to never let any person tell me that I wasn't worth it or that I wasn't important or that I wasn't loved or forgiven. Because I am. I was a little embarrassed by how I was acting and feeling, but those words were so comforting. I kept apologizing for my tears, but I couldn't stop them from coming. He was a great sport about it though, so kudos to him for being a champ.

Fast forward to last night and this same boy told me something that caught me completely off guard.

Like, you could have knocked me over with a feather probably.

I don't remember his exact words, although I wish I could, but it was along the lines of how my openness about how I'm feeling is inspiring to him.

Inspiring? My openness? What? This boy.

That night at small group, I was lost and uncomfortable and in a moment of sobbing desperation for someone to help me, I confided some feelings to this guy. It was a rare moment, but obviously the impact it produced was one I could have never imagined. In that moment when he said he'd felt inspired, I was reminded how absolutely important it is to be yourself and to be honest and authentic with everyone because you never know how your actions and words are going to affect them.

A couple of months ago I was wondering if God was even real. What did I really believe? How could there be some being out there who created everything in the universe and still loved me and wanted a relationship with me? How could I be so screwed up and terrible and yet this being wanted to wash me in His grace and set me free? It just seemed impossible, and yet being raised in the family I was, I knew deep down that He had to be real. But still, doubt.

So I prayed that God would somehow make me aware that not only was He there, but also that He cared deeply about me. I was so tired of feeling miserable and not feeling like myself. I was tired of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed with my life. And then, you guys, this church. These people. Not just this boy, but there is also a group of girls who are genuinely happy to see me show up on Thursday nights. One girl in particular who, the more I converse with, the more I realize it's like meeting myself as someone else. We have so much in common it's incredible, and I am so thankful that God has placed her in my life.

I came home from church last night feeling refreshed and happy and the most like myself I've felt in really long time. And can I just tell you, dudes, it is so good to have me back.

a return trip

For those of you who have been around for a while, you may remember that I got to go to Honduras in July of 2011 and what an incredible adventure that was. Unfortunately, I kind of dropped the ball on blogging about it, so that's only about half of what I experienced. But it's better than nothing, right? Right!

The reason I bring this up is because it looks like I will be going back to Honduras again in June of this year. I have to start fund raising and saving up the dough. I'm sending this letter out to all the people I know, but I thought also there was no harm in posting it here. Even if all you are able to do is pray, that's all I can ask for.

To My Dear Friends and Family:

A couple years ago I was blessed with the opportunity to travel to Honduras with a mission team from my church. It was a whirlwind of experiences,especially because I didn't know I was going on the trip until three days before we left. A flurry of packing, laundry and three shots in the arm later,I was part of a medical brigade/building trip combo to provide the people of Tegucigalpa with some free health care, and also add to the amount of work being done in order to complete their Learning Center for rural pastors.

During my trip I bonded with a plethora of little Honduran children who covered me in stickers and showered me with hugs. I helped out in the pharmacy, mixed concrete by hand, played a lot of soccer, ate delicious food, and watched God work in ways I could have never imagined.

In June I have the chance to return to Tegucigalpa on a building trip led by my amazing parents and accompanied by both my brothers. We are going to be building a house for the people who work in the trash dump collecting recyclables as away of life. This is to help provide better housing so these families will have the chance to raise their children in better living conditions than a make-shift shanty on the side of the road. This is a great opportunity to build relationships with other people, experience a completely different culture, and further the kingdom of God.

For it to be possible to make this trip I will need to raise some money. In total I will need $1800 dollars. I have already started saving,but every little bit helps. If you feel inclined to help me out with the cost by pledging some money or sending up prayers, I would be incredibly grateful.

This trip is important to me in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Even if you can’t afford to send anything except massive amounts of prayers, you can follow the trip on Instagram (@natakeit90) and/or I will make sure to send out letters (with lots of pictures!) upon our return to the States.

Thanks for everything. You rock!

Natalie

I went back to re-read my limited blogging account from my last trip south, and some of the things I remember about being in Honduras have stuck with me, while others have faded in time. But what is really, truly amazing is that feeling of fellowship and working at an exhausting pace was all 100 percent worth it. I wouldn't trade that trip for the world on a silver platter and I know that this second trip is going to be just as amazing too.

And to help make up for not blogging about the last half of my trip, here are some pictures:

explosion

I'm going to be real and honest in this post, so just be prepared.

I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared to give people the opportunity to let me down. I'm scared to trust God and have faith in the next steps He gives me. I'm scared that I'm so screwed up I'm beyond saving.

But then I'm just putting God in a box and saying "There's no way He's powerful enough to forgive me for what I've done" which is stupid, because He created me and this beautiful world I live in. I look back at all of the things that have happened in my life that cause me to believe that there has to be a god out there somewhere, but right now in my walk with Christ I feel pretty far away. Sometimes I wonder if He's really even there or if I'm just praying to the molecules of air floating around my bedroom.

My parents are wonderful examples of not only what it looks like to live a God-honoring life but also to have a God-centered marriage. They stick their fingers in my life and poke around because they care about me and about how I'm doing, even if sometimes I don't want them to. But here, where I live, they are really the only ones doing any sort of caring because no one cares about Natalie.

I'm so terrified that people aren't going to choose me over other things because that's how I've been treated in the past. I'm not really that important to other people - or so I've been made to feel. So I have a lot of issues with trusting people that happened before PC even met me. From those experiences I learned to just not give people the opportunity to let me down. Therefore when plans change I try to be more than accommodating. You can't come up for the weekend? No problem, I will come to you. You can't be here at this time? No worries, I'll figure something out. I just shoulder all of this responsibility because I don't want to find out if people would ever put their lives on hold for me. Because I am not that important and no one cares about Natalie.

Plus, I make myself believe that my struggles and my issues aren't as big as other people's problems. I tell myself that whatever I'm going through I can just suck it up and move on with my life because it's not that bad. Honestly I really feel like a lot of the things my friends deal with pale in comparison to the "dumb" things I go through. It's as if my problems aren't big enough to be considered problems and no one needs to know about them. Even now I'm reading this thinking to myself that I am being ridiculous and I am fine and it doesn't matter. I don't know if it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like a saint or something, because I'm not, that's just how I function. I have to work to convince myself that my feelings do matter and what I'm going through is not nothing. It's like I'm just out here floating in this sea of life and no one is there with an extended hand and a soy vanilla latte to rescue me. Life is hard and it's harder when you feel like you're facing it by yourself.

Friends don't come that easily to me, so the friends that I do have I would like to keep. I would do almost anything for my friends except give them the opportunity to be there for me. And I hardly ever open all the way up and talk about how I really feel about something. I'm so passive it's almost boring. Where do you want to eat? I don't care, wherever you pick I'll be fine. What do you want to do today, Natalie? I have no idea - whatever you want to do is okay with me. I'll be happy with whatever.

I don't know exactly why I have such a hard time saying that this is the place I want to eat at or this is the thing I want to do. I just don't want to impose something on another person that they won't enjoy and I have more fun when those around me are having fun as well. I never want to be burden to anyone, so I try hard to be this person who is always up for anything. Most of the time I truly am up for anything - I like to be adventurous. But I don't want to want something just to be disappointed. I got tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down, so I quit wanting things.

Getting my dog Charlotte and my macbook pro were probably the biggest surprises of my entire life simply because I had resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to have those nice things unless I bought them for me. I couldn't afford the macbook and I didn't know if I would have any way to buy the new computer that I needed any time soon. I gave up on Lottie because I didn't feel like I was in a good place to buy her. And for some reason, my parents got them for me anyway.

But unfortunately, things like that almost never happen to me. If ever I want something I have to go make it happen or nothing will come to fruition. Which, I suppose, isn't all a bad lesson to learn because you do have to work for things in life. Not everything is handed to you on a silver platter with a smile. And then I think about this job I have now too.

Working in the library was a position that was basically thrown into my lap. I couldn't have orchestrated it better had I tried. It's like God put me at this high school for a reason and he gave me a job there after my student teaching was finished. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here and what reason is behind me holding this job, but I'm glad to have it. The income is nice and it's good resume experience.

I just have to sit and wonder sometimes at why God put me here, in this geographic location, with these people, and through these experiences. I have messed up a lot and yet here God is, loving me and providing for me anyway and I repay Him by wondering if He's even there? But that is the honest truth, folks. Deep down inside I know He's around, I know He's there and I know He cares. At the same time though, I wrestle with trusting Him completely and letting Him show me the path I should take.

I'm frightened and fearful right now that He will call me to do something that I don't necessarily want to do at the moment. I know from experience that He always has the best in mind for His children and all I have to do is take the steps He puts before me.

Walking this journey isn't easy and sometimes it feels like it might just be easier to give up completely, but I can't do that. Instead I need to pray for guidance and discernment and that God will help me becoming willing to do whatever it is He asks me to do. Because whenever I try things without Him they are always messy, I mean, right now? Hello.

Change is not going to take place over night and I can't expect to wake up tomorrow with a completely new resolve about life and people and things in general, but I can make small adjustments that will eventually lead me to a bigger picture. I just have to be willing to do what's necessary to make the right decisions. I need to pray that God will help me find some friends here, some good friends who genuinely want to be there for me and who are closer in proximity. I'm not going to leave my current friends behind, but my relationship with them needs to evolve a little bit.

So in reality, it's not that no one cares about Natalie and it's not like I'm so messed up that God can't fix me, but I am broken and I am hurt and I am struggling to make Him my number one priority. I said this post was going to be honest, and this is how it is. I have trust issues that creep into my life more prevalently than I would like to admit. I need some friends who live closer to me than an hour and a half and I need some friends who love Jesus. Because, guys, I am lonely here in my parents' world. With the exception of my family, there is no one here who cares about Natalie - I mean who really cares. And before that can even happen, I have to quit jumping before people can show me that they are willing to come to me when I can't come to them. I have to give people the opportunity to take care of me instead of just telling everyone that I'm fine all the time. I'll get there someday, but it will take a lot of time and prayers.

So, my name is Natalie and now you know just how screwed up I am.

Lift Me Up

I've only recently discovered this band, The Afters, and so far I can't get enough of their music. I have their Light Up The Sky album now, and I've been listening to it on a loop. My favorite song on this album so far is Life Me Up. The lyrics are powerful and they really just kind of meet me where I am on my walk with Christ right now.

There are a lot of things that aren't perfect right now, and my heart is definitely still so incredibly broken. But I do know that even though my hurt is so big, God is so much bigger and he will take care of me no matter what. It's not often that I really get preachy on my blog, and really, overly preachy blogs just kind of irritate me. But I have to tell you, I don't know where I would be or even who I would be if I didn't have a might Savior to have my back every step of the way.

Even when I'm mad at Him and even when I screw up so royally I don't know why anyone would love me, He is there. I can't always feel him, and sometimes I think He's left me, except that in reality I'm the one that moved. My journey has not been a perfect one, and although I grew up in Christian household I have still had a lot of struggles. I think really that everyone has had a lot of struggles, and I'm not really special in that way.

I'm just so tired of being hurt. Over and over again, I just let it happen. I'm not happy with my life right now, and there are so many things that I want to change about it - but some of those things are just way beyond my control. The hard part is letting Him take care of everything.

A lot of people give up on "the whole church thing" when they turn to God and still experience pain. He doesn't make everything hunky dory, nor does he promise that your walk will be easy. Christ followers still have the same struggles that people who do not "believe" have. We fail and fall short and mess up just as much as everyone else, and we all feel like we can be the biggest screw ups of all time. But we're not. We're normal. But He is always there to watch out for us, to care for us, and in our struggles He makes us stronger. He lifts us up.




You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up