explosion

I'm going to be real and honest in this post, so just be prepared.

I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared to give people the opportunity to let me down. I'm scared to trust God and have faith in the next steps He gives me. I'm scared that I'm so screwed up I'm beyond saving.

But then I'm just putting God in a box and saying "There's no way He's powerful enough to forgive me for what I've done" which is stupid, because He created me and this beautiful world I live in. I look back at all of the things that have happened in my life that cause me to believe that there has to be a god out there somewhere, but right now in my walk with Christ I feel pretty far away. Sometimes I wonder if He's really even there or if I'm just praying to the molecules of air floating around my bedroom.

My parents are wonderful examples of not only what it looks like to live a God-honoring life but also to have a God-centered marriage. They stick their fingers in my life and poke around because they care about me and about how I'm doing, even if sometimes I don't want them to. But here, where I live, they are really the only ones doing any sort of caring because no one cares about Natalie.

I'm so terrified that people aren't going to choose me over other things because that's how I've been treated in the past. I'm not really that important to other people - or so I've been made to feel. So I have a lot of issues with trusting people that happened before PC even met me. From those experiences I learned to just not give people the opportunity to let me down. Therefore when plans change I try to be more than accommodating. You can't come up for the weekend? No problem, I will come to you. You can't be here at this time? No worries, I'll figure something out. I just shoulder all of this responsibility because I don't want to find out if people would ever put their lives on hold for me. Because I am not that important and no one cares about Natalie.

Plus, I make myself believe that my struggles and my issues aren't as big as other people's problems. I tell myself that whatever I'm going through I can just suck it up and move on with my life because it's not that bad. Honestly I really feel like a lot of the things my friends deal with pale in comparison to the "dumb" things I go through. It's as if my problems aren't big enough to be considered problems and no one needs to know about them. Even now I'm reading this thinking to myself that I am being ridiculous and I am fine and it doesn't matter. I don't know if it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like a saint or something, because I'm not, that's just how I function. I have to work to convince myself that my feelings do matter and what I'm going through is not nothing. It's like I'm just out here floating in this sea of life and no one is there with an extended hand and a soy vanilla latte to rescue me. Life is hard and it's harder when you feel like you're facing it by yourself.

Friends don't come that easily to me, so the friends that I do have I would like to keep. I would do almost anything for my friends except give them the opportunity to be there for me. And I hardly ever open all the way up and talk about how I really feel about something. I'm so passive it's almost boring. Where do you want to eat? I don't care, wherever you pick I'll be fine. What do you want to do today, Natalie? I have no idea - whatever you want to do is okay with me. I'll be happy with whatever.

I don't know exactly why I have such a hard time saying that this is the place I want to eat at or this is the thing I want to do. I just don't want to impose something on another person that they won't enjoy and I have more fun when those around me are having fun as well. I never want to be burden to anyone, so I try hard to be this person who is always up for anything. Most of the time I truly am up for anything - I like to be adventurous. But I don't want to want something just to be disappointed. I got tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down, so I quit wanting things.

Getting my dog Charlotte and my macbook pro were probably the biggest surprises of my entire life simply because I had resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to have those nice things unless I bought them for me. I couldn't afford the macbook and I didn't know if I would have any way to buy the new computer that I needed any time soon. I gave up on Lottie because I didn't feel like I was in a good place to buy her. And for some reason, my parents got them for me anyway.

But unfortunately, things like that almost never happen to me. If ever I want something I have to go make it happen or nothing will come to fruition. Which, I suppose, isn't all a bad lesson to learn because you do have to work for things in life. Not everything is handed to you on a silver platter with a smile. And then I think about this job I have now too.

Working in the library was a position that was basically thrown into my lap. I couldn't have orchestrated it better had I tried. It's like God put me at this high school for a reason and he gave me a job there after my student teaching was finished. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here and what reason is behind me holding this job, but I'm glad to have it. The income is nice and it's good resume experience.

I just have to sit and wonder sometimes at why God put me here, in this geographic location, with these people, and through these experiences. I have messed up a lot and yet here God is, loving me and providing for me anyway and I repay Him by wondering if He's even there? But that is the honest truth, folks. Deep down inside I know He's around, I know He's there and I know He cares. At the same time though, I wrestle with trusting Him completely and letting Him show me the path I should take.

I'm frightened and fearful right now that He will call me to do something that I don't necessarily want to do at the moment. I know from experience that He always has the best in mind for His children and all I have to do is take the steps He puts before me.

Walking this journey isn't easy and sometimes it feels like it might just be easier to give up completely, but I can't do that. Instead I need to pray for guidance and discernment and that God will help me becoming willing to do whatever it is He asks me to do. Because whenever I try things without Him they are always messy, I mean, right now? Hello.

Change is not going to take place over night and I can't expect to wake up tomorrow with a completely new resolve about life and people and things in general, but I can make small adjustments that will eventually lead me to a bigger picture. I just have to be willing to do what's necessary to make the right decisions. I need to pray that God will help me find some friends here, some good friends who genuinely want to be there for me and who are closer in proximity. I'm not going to leave my current friends behind, but my relationship with them needs to evolve a little bit.

So in reality, it's not that no one cares about Natalie and it's not like I'm so messed up that God can't fix me, but I am broken and I am hurt and I am struggling to make Him my number one priority. I said this post was going to be honest, and this is how it is. I have trust issues that creep into my life more prevalently than I would like to admit. I need some friends who live closer to me than an hour and a half and I need some friends who love Jesus. Because, guys, I am lonely here in my parents' world. With the exception of my family, there is no one here who cares about Natalie - I mean who really cares. And before that can even happen, I have to quit jumping before people can show me that they are willing to come to me when I can't come to them. I have to give people the opportunity to take care of me instead of just telling everyone that I'm fine all the time. I'll get there someday, but it will take a lot of time and prayers.

So, my name is Natalie and now you know just how screwed up I am.