I was thinking the other day about all sorts of things that roll around inside my wonderfully messy head, and sometimes when I get to thinking, I do way too much of it and get way too anxious about stuff and things that shouldn't really matter as much as I make them out to. And then I think, but don't we all?
My heart starts to beat really fast and my palms get sweaty and then I just get a little bit more agitated than I should be when I find myself thinking about certain things. Most of the time it deals with trusting people, or making sure that I get this turned in on time, or remembering the order of upcoming events. Usually with the latter two is when I start writing things down, making lists so that I can see in a visual manner what exactly is happening. It never seems to turn out as bad as I convince myself that it is, so there you go.
But then I find myself not writing about the other things, the things that I once wrote about when no one read my blog except my aunt and some anonymous internet souls and I didn't feel the need to really sensor what words flew from my finger tips. Now I find myself avoiding writing about certain topics because once I write them, I kind of let myself move on a little bit and I don't want to necessarily have a conversation about them later. I mean, unless I start on the topic myself.
To get to the point of this post though, I realized something on my drive home from work the other day. It's probably something that I should have realized a long time ago, and maybe part of me did, but I never put words to it until recently.
Worrying about something that may or may not happen is a total and complete waste of time. If that something was going to happen anyway, spending time and energy having a great deal of anxiety about that matter isn't going to do any good for anyone. I have no control over it. None. Zero.
To back track for a second, I used to worry about PC all the time towards the end of our relationship. I would sneak into his phone and read his texts because I knew he was hiding things from me. I knew he was lying about things that he didn't want me to find out - and it mostly dealt with his feelings for other girls. I think what hurt the most out of that was the fact that he couldn't just man up and tell me what was going on - he kept lying to me. Saying things like "no, I don't like her like that" and "we're just friends" and then when I found out that wasn't really what was going on, I was devastated, That's when I finally just quit talking to him and promised myself I would never do that in another relationship.
Consequently, those feelings have followed me around. They tucked themselves neatly into this little dark corner of a dusty old suitcase and stayed put. When I was with SVI they never crept back up because that relationship was so not serious that I really wasn't affected by how he felt about other girls. But lately I have been struggling to keep those pesky little emotions in check. I find myself making small jokes about "don't hit on too many girls while you're out tonight" in order to get a little reassurance that I feel like I should be strong enough not to need.
But I found myself in the car on the way home from work thinking about what all I've gone through in life and relationships and how they affect me, and I came to this conclusion: there's nothing I can do about the actions of other people. I don't control them. Not like I try to control other people, I am actually a pretty laid back person almost sometimes to the point of annoyance, but I just let worries about the future occasionally bog me down.
So I decided something. I decided that I'm not going to let fear of being lied to control my life. If something is going to happen, no amount of my worrying is going to change that so why waste my time? Instead I just want to relax and enjoy the events that happen in my life. I have to relearn to trust people again, but even though it sometimes feels incredibly difficult, it's not impossible. And once I decided that, I felt a lot better.
Ultimately God is in control, whether you choose to believe that or not. It's sometimes hard to have faith in His timing or see why certain things are happening to you, but in the end it somehow always works out for the better. I seem to wrestle with trusting Him and trusting people a lot more than I should, but if I just let things go, not only am I a happier person, but things always seem to find a solution. It's not an easy walk, but always worth it.