I hate change. Well, actually that's not entirely true. I'm picky about the change that I don't like. Sometimes change is good - like growing up, moving out of the house, becoming more independent. Some change makes me crazy, like new jobs, new people, new rules.
New experiences frighten me a little. I usually have fun once I'm there, but sometimes I need a lot of convincing before I go out and do something. I'm generally okay with changing my hair - but I know that freaks some people out. But I'm hesitant to buy a new top in a style I think looks awesome on the hanger because I just don't know if it's me. I'm more likely to change my hair than my wardrobe.
The dark isn't that scary unless I'm by myself and there's weird noises that insult my eardrums late at night. Or directly after I've watched a scary movie. I really don't watch many of those. They tend to mess with my brain parts and make me crazy for a few days afterwards.
Relationships scare me too, while we're at it. Partially because they are always changing, always growing, and because I'm just entering into my twenties, I'm aware that many things change in this period of life. If you are going with someone then you have to conscious of whether or not you are growing in the same direction. It's a decision, mostly, I believe. You choose to grow together, or you drift apart.
I hate drifting.
Even in boats.
But mostly, I hate feeling drifted and having no control.
I think that stems from a fear of the unknown which is the bane of human existence. What's in the future? What's yet to come? What's around this corner? What's going to happen the next mile of road?
Always. Wondering.
But we never know. God didn't give us the ability to see around the corners. Some would argue that life would be far less entertaining if we knew what was going to happen every step of the way.
What would we make movies about? We would never have plot twists! Everything would always be known. Would we enter in to relationships with people if we already knew the out come?
Sometimes, it's not about the end of the journey. You can't just magically get somewhere with all the change and experience that goes along with the getting there. And that's what I'm so afraid of.
The change and experience that comes with the getting there.
That's the really scary part. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. The friends that I have now may not be the friends that are still with me in five years. The way I'm living right now will not be the way I'm living in the future.
The unknown. The change. It's getting to me.
I don't want to change too much. I don't want my relationships to grow in ways that I don't like. But things happen. God is in control and we are to cast all our cares upon him. It's said that when you finally give him everything that that's when you truly become free.
I've heard the sermon plenty of times before.
I've sung the songs.
And it's true. When you give him your worries, He takes care of you. But then you get into another situation and you just don't want to take your monkey hand off the shiny item in the cage. I want to put my relationship with Prince-y in Jesus' hands, but I'm having such a hard time allowing myself to be okay with the possible outcomes.
I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready for it to potentially be over. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
I'm fighting for it. I'm fighting to keep it alive. And sometimes I feel like it's working. And sometimes I feel hopeless. But here's what I know:
I watched 500 Days of Summer and I don't want to be Tom.
500 hundred days of summer was pretty good *nod* And it sucks being Tom =)
ReplyDeletedear miss natalie.
ReplyDelete1. I love you
2. I miss you
3. I'm giving you a huge hug in my mind
4. I've been dealing with some kind of similar stuff, but with academics. I've just been telling myself that God has a plan laid out for me and I just need to chill and know that he knows what's best. God loves you and knows exactly where he wants you to be. And you know what else helped me? singing "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, sayin' ay-oh gotta let go" from a Taio Cruz song. I hope things get better and I MISS YOU!!!!
Lovely, I promise you, I won't let you become Tom. I won't let Prince toy with you for that long. I'm here for you whenever you need me. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of "vague" on my beliefs. I have faith, but I always say it's in the "universe and mankind". But sometimes, men kind of suck. So, I'm glad you have something that makes you feel better. I would say, "It's the universe telling me something" or "It was fate/karma", so I think no matter what it is, universe or God, if you have something you can put your faith into, it can help make bad times a little less crappy.
ReplyDeleteThis is a long comment.
I am going to stop commenting now.
Glad you're back.
(500) Days was a great movie, one of my favorites, but ending up as Tom is definitely hard. Just remember that everything will be okay in the end. :)
ReplyDeleteI love your new layout :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree. There is change that I love, and there is change that stresses me out.
I really don't wanna be Tom either. I rather be Summer.
It's true that once you hit 20 everything changes. My boyfriend and I didn't make it to my 21st... we were drifting. It became clear to me that we weren't headed in the same direction. And now, two years after the break up, I know more than ever that we just weren't meant to be. We want different things.
But I always felt like you and Prince had the same goals... So I hope you guys drift back in the same direction.
Keep it up, you're doing just fine :)