I hate change. Well, actually that's not entirely true. I'm picky about the change that I don't like. Sometimes change is good - like growing up, moving out of the house, becoming more independent. Some change makes me crazy, like new jobs, new people, new rules.
New experiences frighten me a little. I usually have fun once I'm there, but sometimes I need a lot of convincing before I go out and do something. I'm generally okay with changing my hair - but I know that freaks some people out. But I'm hesitant to buy a new top in a style I think looks awesome on the hanger because I just don't know if it's me. I'm more likely to change my hair than my wardrobe.
The dark isn't that scary unless I'm by myself and there's weird noises that insult my eardrums late at night. Or directly after I've watched a scary movie. I really don't watch many of those. They tend to mess with my brain parts and make me crazy for a few days afterwards.
Relationships scare me too, while we're at it. Partially because they are always changing, always growing, and because I'm just entering into my twenties, I'm aware that many things change in this period of life. If you are going with someone then you have to conscious of whether or not you are growing in the same direction. It's a decision, mostly, I believe. You choose to grow together, or you drift apart.
I hate drifting.
Even in boats.
But mostly, I hate feeling drifted and having no control.
I think that stems from a fear of the unknown which is the bane of human existence. What's in the future? What's yet to come? What's around this corner? What's going to happen the next mile of road?
But we never know. God didn't give us the ability to see around the corners. Some would argue that life would be far less entertaining if we knew what was going to happen every step of the way.
What would we make movies about? We would never have plot twists! Everything would always be known. Would we enter in to relationships with people if we already knew the out come?
Sometimes, it's not about the end of the journey. You can't just magically get somewhere with all the change and experience that goes along with the getting there. And that's what I'm so afraid of.
The change and experience that comes with the getting there.
That's the really scary part. Who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. The friends that I have now may not be the friends that are still with me in five years. The way I'm living right now will not be the way I'm living in the future.
The unknown. The change. It's getting to me.
I don't want to change too much. I don't want my relationships to grow in ways that I don't like. But things happen. God is in control and we are to cast all our cares upon him. It's said that when you finally give him everything that that's when you truly become free.
I've heard the sermon plenty of times before.
I've sung the songs.
And it's true. When you give him your worries, He takes care of you. But then you get into another situation and you just don't want to take your monkey hand off the shiny item in the cage. I want to put my relationship with Prince-y in Jesus' hands, but I'm having such a hard time allowing myself to be okay with the possible outcomes.
I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready for it to potentially be over. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
I'm fighting for it. I'm fighting to keep it alive. And sometimes I feel like it's working. And sometimes I feel hopeless. But here's what I know:
I watched 500 Days of Summer and I don't want to be Tom.