I'm not going to go into the gory details that were my weekend. I'm not going to explain in the deepest of depths how I felt each time I lay in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm not going to describe the moments of agony that came with knowing where he was, but not being able to get a hold of him.
What I will tell you is the moment that the switch flipped. He'd been out of reach for hours and hours. I knew who he was with and where he was, but I couldn't get a hold of him and that made it all the more painful. And then, instead of being heartbroken, I was angry. Instantly. I switched emotions. Just. Like. That.
I took all of my things out of his room. The blanket that I was letting him borrow, the PS3 controller I bought and all three of my games. And then I left.
I went to the AAN building to make prints for my class because I hadn't had time to do them on Thursday afternoon. During that time I talked to a really good friend on the phone who lives incredibly too far away from me.
Her boyfriend is Princey's best friend ever.
They went through a similar situation that the Prince and I are headed through. She told me she wished there was something she could do to fix it. But really, there was nothing anyone could do to fix this rotten mess. She told me that her boyfriend had called to re-apologize for the stuff that went on when they took their break.
We speculated that he did this because he saw what it was like for the girl to go through the situation since he's been a super duper awesome person through all of this nonsense.
Actually, all the boys in Prince's hall have been too nice to me while I've sorted through my feelings and picked up the broken pieces. They gave me high fives as I took my stuff out of Prince's room. They hugged me when I cried. They listened to me rant like the emotional wreck that I was. They let me mourn for my lost relationship without trying to give me too much advice, or be too overbearing, or too protective.
They. were. rockin.
After I finished making my prints, I checked to see if Prince was online yet. Because if he was online that meant he was finally back in his room.
I had to convince him to come talk to me, because he just wanted me to do it over instant message, but I really honestly felt like the kind of talking I had to do needed to be done face to face and in an unbiased location.
He finally met me on the benches between our TLC buliding and the campus library.
I told him exactly how I felt. I told him I took all my stuff out of his room because I didn't want to be in his life right now. He needed to figure out what he wanted and how he felt and when he was ready to see me again to let me know.
We discussed our situation. His feelings were hurt that I didn't trust him. But he had told me something and then done exactly the opposite. How do you trust someone who's actions don't match their words? I brought things to his attention that he hadn't realized. He'd been very selfish.
Everyone is entitled to some selfish time, to do what's best for them. But I felt like this was too extreme. What was going on was not right. I didn't deserve it. And I told him that.
And then I walked away.
Feeling. Completely. Liberated.
Since our initial talk, we'e spoken online to sort through this mess of a relationship that we have. I had to work hard to get to a place where I didn't care if we got back together or not. I'm there now.
If we don't get back together I will definitely miss it. We have some awesome memories of a great time in both of our lives. We had a lot of fun while we were together, and I will be sad that that is now over. But if we do get back together then we can always make more awesome memories and have lots more fun!!
So I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm feeling liberated. I'm feeling free. I'm feeling inspired to live life again like I want to. I am confident. I am SO HOT WITH MY NEW AWESOME HAIRCUT! I'm in a different place in the world and in life than I was Friday night when I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning and hurting so deep inside.
You know, we're human and we all make mistakes. We make big ones, and we make little ones. We make irreparable ones and we make ones that can be salvaged.
We love who we love and we always want the best for them.
I'm still a little sad that things are the way they are right now, but I know that I'll get through this. I know that when all is said and done I'm going to be just fine.
And the best part is that I don't hate Prince Charming. I don't. I still love him, but not in that 'I need you to come back to me right now or I'll die' kind of way. I love him in that 'I hope you decide what's best for you and I'll be there for no matter what you choose' kind of way.
This is the song I've had on repeat all day: