When you are busy and surrounded by people is when it's easiest to hide your feelings. There are so many distractions, there is so much to do, and so many people to talk to. There's a hustle and bustle about that you cannot ignore, and so your emotional burdens take a backseat to real life.
When you are with friends, they are good at taking your mind off your current issues. They're funny, they're ridiculous and they make you laugh. They help you forget. They help you move on. They give you a reason not to stay at home and be lazy.
Because, I tell you, it's those quiet moments that are the worst. Standing by yourself in the shower. Laying on your bed skimming the web on your laptop. The empty space. You can feel it all around you.
What I hate is feeling like I've made up my mind. Like I will be set with whatever happens. I tell myself that over and over. If you hear something enough you will begin to believe it. And while I was angry I totally would have been fine with whatever happened.
But then he started to act sweet. He was nice again. He was the boy that I used to know, cute and nice. Friendly. He has a lot of ground to cover though. He screwed up big time this time and I can't just hand myself back over to him.
Not that he's asking me to do that anyway.
But when I'm sitting in his room watching Chuck with him and Poosh, the memories come flooding back. Late nights watching the first season of Chuck on his couch in his living room. His arm around my shoulder, my head resting on his chest...
I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave the room. How can I be so strong when all I want to do is go running back? I honestly believe that I will be fine no matter which way this thing turns out, but I have to admit that I am totally hoping it ends in the not broken up way.
Just, this situation doesn't feel totally. If it was totally right, wouldn't I know it? Or does it never feel right? How long does it take to mend a broken heart?
It can take a long time. But you get there, you really do.
ReplyDeleteFrom experience, your heart will never stop hurting until the next guy appears in your life, and even then, it's impossible not to remember the good times, and wonder.
ReplyDeleteThe worse part? If the next guy doesn't stick around either; he breaks up with you, you break up with him, doesn't matter... it's like the end of all your past significant relationships come flooding back, and suddenly you're not just dealing with one break up but all the break ups you've ever gone through. As if they accumulate in your soul. It's awful.
But hopefully you don't have to go through that... ever.
It takes too long to mend a broken heart, unfortunately. However, I do believe that things will work out the way it needs to. Hang in there, m'dear. <3
ReplyDeleteA way to get stronger is getting to know yourself better. Be completely satisfied just being you, and that should help your heart out more than if you were to just go running back. You've created an identity of you with him. But have lost the you without him. Try and regain that.
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