It seems that I have lost myself. How does one go about doing that? It's not like I can just get up and walk away from wherever I am without me tagging along. After all, I am attached to myself.
But what it seems has occurred here, is that I built my identity with someone else, and now that he's only kinda sorta in the picture I'm left to discover who I am without him.
I am an American girl with strong German heritage.
I am not skinny, but not fat. I don't have the greatest skin ever.
I have lots of hair on my scalp, but it's really fine so it doesn't look like much unless I get it layered.
My favorite color is blue.
I like flowers, but I've never been given any before. I like Poppies. And Calla Lillies.
I don't wear a lot of jewelry, so no body ever buys me any, but I'd love to just have a plain silver chain with a simple charm on it. And I've been wanting a charm bracelet, but I feel like I don't want to buy those kinds of things for myself. They have more meaning when they are given to you, you know?
I can be quite insecure about a lot of things, which stumps my father because he thinks I've very confident. And I can be very confident too, it just depends on what I'm doing and where I am and who I'm with.
Dresses and me don't get along that great. Mostly because I feel like dresses are made for people with no boobs and skinny torsos and slender shoulders. That's not me. I have boobs. And a stomach. And I have some of the broadest shoulders, which can be so very inconvenient.
I have a dent in the back of my head. It's just how my bones grew together.
I'm average height, but I'm the shortest one in my family.
And I have the smallest feet, too.
I have always been told that I would be a good teacher, so now that's what I'm going to school for.
When I was in gymnastics I would always win the "most inspirational" award at the end of the season. I like cheering people on and seeing them succeed.
I like to drive, and I love road trips.
I sing in the car. Loudly. And sometimes very off key.
Singing makes me feel better. So does writing.
That's why I write a lot.
Especially when I'm going through an issue. All I want to do is write and write and write and then when I finish I want to write some more.
The problem with that, is that I can't put everything out here for you all to read. Because sometimes what I write isn't true. It's true at that moment, it's exactly how I feel, but I also know that I change my mind a lot, and situations change, and so what I had written previously didn't need to be said.
In high school I would write stories on my MySpace blog. I wrote about my friends, but I gave us all fake names and the lives that we wished we were living. Sometimes the events in my stories would actually happen. But the events that would happen were the ones that had happened to the characters based off of my friends, so I never had anything happen to me that had happened to my character in my story.
My friends would love it though. They were religious followers of my blog stories.
I look back on the stuff I wrote then and laugh. The grammar is sometimes poor, and the suspense! Oh good gravy, I could be such an immature writer! I could always see where I was going with what I was writing, and what I had intended to do, but because I was so young it just didn't work out like it had in my mind.
I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on these posts and press my palm to my forehead going "what was I thinking?"
I think about the future a lot. I want to get a good job. I want to get married someday. I want a family. But I feel like that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm just going to be stuck in limbo forever and ever, never escaping.
I paint my finger nails black. I like them that way.
I love camo. My backpack is camo. I have a camo jacket. My bandaids are all camo.
I am an artist. But sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just pretending. Like that's just what I want to be so I take the classes and read the books, but I'm just faking.
I feel like I weigh too much. I feel like I should be skinnier. I feel like society is entirely to blame for that feeling. And boys too. I blame boys.
I like camping, and fishing. I like being outdoors. I like doing things. But I also like to sometimes just sit at home and do nothing.
I like playing Clue and a few other board games. I like being with my friends.
I hate talking on the phone. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being left out, but I don't want to force myself into situations so sometimes I just sit back and watch other people have fun.
I like watching House, MD. And America's Next Top Model. And Say Yes To The Dress. I like NCIS and Criminal Minds. I like good movies. Ones that make you laugh. Occasionally ones that make me cry. I like stories that I can emerge myself in. Become one of the characters.
I always wondered what it would be like to act in a play, but I think I'm a terrible actor. I always want to smile!! It's terrible. I'd ruin a lousy sad moment with a big toothy grin and then the audience would never understand and the director would fire me. It would be horrible.
But I always enjoyed working backstage. Making things happen so the actors could tell the story. It was the most fun to dress up in black. I didn't have to memorize lines, I didn't have to wear outrageous costumes, but I got all the perks of being behind the curtain for the show.
So I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am by myself, but I think I've got a pretty good handle on the situation. It'll take some time for me to make some new friends, mostly because I don't know how. I not a people seeker outer. I'm just me.
My name is Natalie. Who are you?