Thursday, September 16, 2010

Who Am I?

It seems that I have lost myself. How does one go about doing that? It's not like I can just get up and walk away from wherever I am without me tagging along. After all, I am attached to myself.

But what it seems has occurred here, is that I built my identity with someone else, and now that he's only kinda sorta in the picture I'm left to discover who I am without him.

I am an American girl with strong German heritage.

I am not skinny, but not fat. I don't have the greatest skin ever.

I have lots of hair on my scalp, but it's really fine so it doesn't look like much unless I get it layered.

My favorite color is blue.

I like flowers, but I've never been given any before. I like Poppies. And Calla Lillies.

I don't wear a lot of jewelry, so no body ever buys me any, but I'd love to just have a plain silver chain with a simple charm on it. And I've been wanting a charm bracelet, but I feel like I don't want to buy those kinds of things for myself. They have more meaning when they are given to you, you know?

I can be quite insecure about a lot of things, which stumps my father because he thinks I've very confident. And I can be very confident too, it just depends on what I'm doing and where I am and who I'm with.

Dresses and me don't get along that great. Mostly because I feel like dresses are made for people with no boobs and skinny torsos and slender shoulders. That's not me. I have boobs. And a stomach. And I have some of the broadest shoulders, which can be so very inconvenient.

I have a dent in the back of my head. It's just how my bones grew together.

I'm average height, but I'm the shortest one in my family.

And I have the smallest feet, too.

I have always been told that I would be a good teacher, so now that's what I'm going to school for.

When I was in gymnastics I would always win the "most inspirational" award at the end of the season. I like cheering people on and seeing them succeed.

I like to drive, and I love road trips.

I sing in the car. Loudly. And sometimes very off key.

Singing makes me feel better. So does writing.

That's why I write a lot.

Especially when I'm going through an issue. All I want to do is write and write and write and then when I finish I want to write some more.

The problem with that, is that I can't put everything out here for you all to read. Because sometimes what I write isn't true. It's true at that moment, it's exactly how I feel, but I also know that I change my mind a lot, and situations change, and so what I had written previously didn't need to be said.

In high school I would write stories on my MySpace blog. I wrote about my friends, but I gave us all fake names and the lives that we wished we were living. Sometimes the events in my stories would actually happen. But the events that would happen were the ones that had happened to the characters based off of my friends, so I never had anything happen to me that had happened to my character in my story.

My friends would love it though. They were religious followers of my blog stories.

I look back on the stuff I wrote then and laugh. The grammar is sometimes poor, and the suspense! Oh good gravy, I could be such an immature writer! I could always see where I was going with what I was writing, and what I had intended to do, but because I was so young it just didn't work out like it had in my mind.

I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on these posts and press my palm to my forehead going "what was I thinking?"

I think about the future a lot. I want to get a good job. I want to get married someday. I want a family. But I feel like that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm just going to be stuck in limbo forever and ever, never escaping.

I paint my finger nails black. I like them that way.

I love camo. My backpack is camo. I have a camo jacket. My bandaids are all camo.

I am an artist. But sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just pretending. Like that's just what I want to be so I take the classes and read the books, but I'm just faking.

I feel like I weigh too much. I feel like I should be skinnier. I feel like society is entirely to blame for that feeling. And boys too. I blame boys.

I like camping, and fishing. I like being outdoors. I like doing things. But I also like to sometimes just sit at home and do nothing.

I like playing Clue and a few other board games. I like being with my friends.

I hate talking on the phone. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being left out, but I don't want to force myself into situations so sometimes I just sit back and watch other people have fun.

I like watching House, MD. And America's Next Top Model. And Say Yes To The Dress. I like NCIS and Criminal Minds. I like good movies. Ones that make you laugh. Occasionally ones that make me cry. I like stories that I can emerge myself in. Become one of the characters.

I always wondered what it would be like to act in a play, but I think I'm a terrible actor. I always want to smile!! It's terrible. I'd ruin a lousy sad moment with a big toothy grin and then the audience would never understand and the director would fire me. It would be horrible.

But I always enjoyed working backstage. Making things happen so the actors could tell the story. It was the most fun to dress up in black. I didn't have to memorize lines, I didn't have to wear outrageous costumes, but I got all the perks of being behind the curtain for the show.

So I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am by myself, but I think I've got a pretty good handle on the situation. It'll take some time for me to make some new friends, mostly because I don't know how. I not a people seeker outer. I'm just me.

My name is Natalie. Who are you?


  1. Dear Miss Natalie,
    I know how you feel. I struggle with the same identity problem as you, but don't we all? We see ourselves in such a different way than the rest of the world. For instance, I feel like I know who you are.
    You are beautiful
    you are talented
    you are hilarious
    you are frustrating
    you are loving
    you are sometimes just downright silly
    you are one of the few people I feel like I can tell anything.
    you are an amazing friend.
    you are a child of God.
    See? I think I could say who I think you are to me, but I couldn't tell you who I am cause I just don't know. But I think what is important is that GOD knows. Something I know is that he loves you. And everything that he throws your way is to help you grow. I don't know if any of that made sense to you.
    I love you TONS and I miss you. We'd better be hanging out when we are home. I need some good ole natalie sarcasm back in my life. and movie quoting. lots of movie quoting! LOVE YOU!

  2. Oh I don't know, it sounds to me like you've got a handle on who you are now. Who you will be in 10 years - you can't know yet. But I have a feeling that the essence will still be there.

  3. My name is Melissa.

    I too like NCIS and Criminal Minds.

    I definitely think you should blame the media and society for feeling like you need to lose weight because you don't. Though you'll find the older you get, the more (most) boys don't care too much about that.

    I am (fairly) tall, have BIG feet (size 11), and small shoulders.

    I have (again, fairly) big boobs so I have a hard time finding shirts that fit right with my small shoulders.

    I like driving, I like not driving some times.

    I understand the need to get something out but that you can't right now, because it's a thought that might pass.

    I am currently trying to discover where I fit in the spiritual/religion world so I'm reading The Bible (seriously, I'm even blogging about it). I love facts and science (even though I wasn't great at science in school), so reading The Bible is testing me.

    I love to laugh, love to smile, love to hug and kiss my husband. I enjoy good conversations and discussions.

    I am not one of those people who thinks that you shouldn't talk about religion or politics because I think you should respect people's opinions & feelings on, even if they're not your own. And they do make for great discussions. :)

    I sometimes feel like a heathen but my heart and intentions are pure.

    I have wrote a lot so I will stop now. :)


  4. Hello Natalie. :)

    My name is Valorie. I'm not quite sure who I am either.

    I'm an Aggie. Sometimes. When I have school spirit.

    I'm an idealist.

    I'm becoming a lawyer because a lot of people told me I would be good at it.

    I'm rather short.

    I enjoy every one of the shows you mentioned on here. Some more than others. I can't watch Criminal Minds at night or my imagination will get away with me and I'll never sleep.

    In my most insecure moments, I'm afraid that I'm just posing as a writer. Or as a lawyer. Or as a human being in general.

    I really like hugs. And cuddling.

    I'm terrified that I'll never get married. I'm especially terrified that I won't marry Mr. Man like I've always kind of thought I would and will never find anyone else I'd rather marry.

    I'm beyond terrified that I'll be a bad mother to any children I may or may not have.

    In fact, I'm just terrified a lot of the time. I'm scared of discovering that I'm someone I don't like. I'm terrified that my plans won't come to fruition. I'm terrified that I will never make an impact on this world. I'm strangely afraid of dying before I finish college; truthfully, I'm obsessed with that fear in particular.

    I dance [badly] a lot. And I *always* sing in the car, whether other people are there or not.

    So you know, there's that.

    We should chat more sometime. :) <3

    Just remember: "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." --George Bernard Shaw. I think as a real artist, that'll appeal to you. :)


  5. New shoes, think of your relationship with Prince Charming as walking around in a pair of new shoes. You set aside your old ones, not that they were worn out or didn't fit, but you got some new ones because getting new things are fun. Then after time your new shoes become your everyday shoes. You go out and do things together, pretty regularly. You wear those shoes all the time now, you still look back on the other shoes but see them and think they're comfortable but you like the shoes you've got on right now. But then something changes, your new shoes aren't new, they're old or they're wearing fast. Kind of like relationships. Some last for a long time and others not so long. So now you can't wear those new shoes anymore. You have to go back to your old ones. The ones that use to be everyday before Prince Charming. Of course you still like the same things you did before, you still have the same faith as before, but you're by yourself now.

    It is a hard thing to face. I know how that awkwardness feels when you end up going out by yourself instead of with him all the time. You itch to pick up the phone to call and ask to hang out. And if you do, you still want to hold hands, or lean against him.

    But then you get comfortable being by yourself again. That's wear you put on the old everyday shoes that you know are comfortable til one day another new pair of shoes comes along.

  6. I go back and reread some of the old stuff I wrote, and have to laugh as well. It's awful stuff!

    And I also feel like I'll be in limbo land forever. I see everyone around me happy, their lives are going somewhere. I'm so jealous.

    I'm Cassandra, and I get sad about my life sometimes... until I remember all the cool things I've done, and then I'm like... yeah, I'm kinda awesome.


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