Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Last week I did the 6 word memoir, so this week I'm going to explain it.
If you hang out here in my corner of the internet often enough you would know that January was quite a painful month for me, and February wasn't much better. A certain Mr. Prince Charming and I ended up calling it quits after just over two years and I was really quite down in the dumps about it. I quit eating, I had no motivation to do anything, I really only wanted to hang out with my mom, and I spent an inexcusable amount of time crying my eyes out.
It was one of the absolute worst times in my life, and I really honestly thought it would never ever end even though everyone kept telling me that it would take time. Time! I thought that time would never end! I figured everyone was just crazy and that I would be stuck feeling like that forever and ever amen.
You see, I'd spent the last two years building my life around him because he said he would never leave. He promised that he would always be there for me, through thick and thin. And I believed him. Walking out of that relationship ripped my heart clean out of my chest. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know who I was or even where to start to begin to even figure that out.
I was completely and utterly lost without him. Words cannot describe the intenseness of extreme heartbreak. You can try to explain it, but unless you've really been there you honestly have no clue what it's like. I kept waiting for something to happen. For my motivation to come back. I kept waiting to be happy again, but I felt like without him there it wasn't possible.
We decided to take a month where we wouldn't see each other. At first we weren't going to talk to each other, but hello, it's me and the big PC. We really don't know how to not talk to each other. But we did make good on not seeing each other. No more eating together, no video games, no trips to the mall, nothing.
I didn't want to go through with it. I didn't understand why he didn't love me anymore, and I desperately wanted to know what I had done wrong. I thought in that month he would find someone new and forget all about me and then, well, where would I be?
What I didn't realize is that during this month I would spend time with my friends. You know, those people I'd been neglecting in my state of wallowing in self pity. I bonded with my roommate. I watched TV with Zelda. I lost 15 pounds. I went out for pizza and movies with a guy from work. I ever so slowly started to figure out who I was again.
I didn't need him. I am still my own person and I can't rely on someone else to build my identity for me, it's something I have to do myself. You have to be yourself before you can love someone else anyway. That month apart turned out to be something so beneficial to my wounded soul, even though I had no idea what I was in for at first.
I have a new found respect for Special K snack bars, I started taking self portraits again after avoiding the camera for months and months, I went to the gym (on a regular basis! with a friend!), I went out and I did stuff. I studied at the coffee shop because I couldn't bear to spend more time in my dorm room than necessary, and you know what? It. was. nice.
Although I'm really still on the path to discovering who I am, I have a better sense of it now. And I like myself better than I did the last few months of my relationship with Prince. I make more sense to myself now. I'm more comfortable with my flaws, and I know that I will always have people around who love me more than words can describe. Jesus will always be there for me, and so will my parents and family. It took losing him to get myself back. Life is a journey and this is just the beginning.
So you can take me or leave me, but: I am me. Deal with it.