"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life."
I feel so dumb sometimes. I am making so many mistakes. Or at least that's what I'm being told.
Part of why this is so hard is because I don't understand why this is happening. And no one can tell me the answer to that question. No one. Not even Prince Charming who so desperately needs a new blog name because right now he is not my Prince Charming.
I don't know how to let go. When I was angry, I could have walked away just fine. But not being angry makes it worse. He's such a nice guy. He's pretty cute too, and I have so. many. memories.
He's involved in SO MANY different aspects of my life that not only am I losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing a companion in my everyday life. Someone that I would go to for advice, someone that I would talk to, who would listen to me. Someone who cared for me on a deeper level than most people.
And I don't understand what changed. Did I change? Did I do something to deserve this?
Why can't I have my boyfriend back?
Why do I have to feel miserable about this?
Why does it feel so much harder to part on amicable terms?
Why can't I just hate him and be angry?
Why does he have to be so calm about this?
I told my mother that I thought if Prince and I ever broke up it would be mutual. This is far less than mutual.
Prince told me that I have to move on. I have to let him go. I should date someone else before I just decide to stick with him. I'm scared he'll find someone to replace me. I'm scared of finding someone to replace him. I don't want anyone to replace his place in my life.
I feel like moving away is the best answer, but no one supports me in that. Besides, I don't really know where I'd go anyway. But a huge chunk of me just wants to leave. I want to find new people in a new place where every corner doesn't remind me of him. Everything here reminds me of him. I've been dating him practically as long as I've been going to this university.
I want to be so strong and I want to just pack up my feelings and put them in a cardboard box in an attic somewhere to collect dust while I go on not feeling anything and I just. can't. do. it. I just can't.
This week will be good for me, but I know it's going to be one of the most pain-filled weeks of my life. This week is going to be hard and difficult and I'm going to hate every second of it. At this point I just want it to be over.
But in order to keep me strong, I'm going to blog every day this week. I'm going to blog my feelings, I'm going to cry, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to question the world. But I need to not talk to him. I need to move on. He thinks the answer to us getting back together is for me to move on.
I think that's code for me to love myself by myself again. But I'm so incredibly frightened....
And thank you Cassandra for the quote. I really hope I make it through this and come out on the other side feeling better.