Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Calm Before The Storm

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life."

I feel so dumb sometimes. I am making so many mistakes. Or at least that's what I'm being told. 

Part of why this is so hard is because I don't understand why this is happening. And no one can tell me the answer to that question. No one. Not even Prince Charming who so desperately needs a new blog name because right now he is not my Prince Charming. 

I don't know how to let go. When I was angry, I could have walked away just fine. But not being angry makes it worse. He's such a nice guy. He's pretty cute too, and I have so. many. memories. 

He's involved in SO MANY different aspects of my life that not only am I losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing a companion in my everyday life. Someone that I would go to for advice, someone that I would talk to, who would listen to me. Someone who cared for me on a deeper level than most people. 

And I don't understand what changed. Did I change? Did I do something to deserve this? 

Why can't I have my boyfriend back? 

Why do I have to feel miserable about this? 

Why does it feel so much harder to part on amicable terms?

Why can't I just hate him and be angry? 

Why does he have to be so calm about this?

I told my mother that I thought if Prince and I ever broke up it would be mutual. This is far less than mutual. 

Prince told me that I have to move on. I have to let him go. I should date someone else before I just decide to stick with him. I'm scared he'll find someone to replace me. I'm scared of finding someone to replace him. I don't want anyone to replace his place in my life. 

I feel like moving away is the best answer, but no one supports me in that. Besides, I don't really know where I'd go anyway. But a huge chunk of me just wants to leave. I want to find new people in a new place where every corner doesn't remind me of him. Everything here reminds me of him. I've been dating him practically as long as I've been going to this university. 

I want to be so strong and I want to just pack up my feelings and put them in a cardboard box in an attic somewhere to collect dust while I go on not feeling anything and I just. can't. do. it. I just can't. 

This week will be good for me, but I know it's going to be one of the most pain-filled weeks of my life. This week is going to be hard and difficult and I'm going to hate every second of it. At this point I just want it to be over. 

But in order to keep me strong, I'm going to blog every day this week. I'm going to blog my feelings, I'm going to cry, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to question the world. But I need to not talk to him. I need to move on. He thinks the answer to us getting back together is for me to move on. 

I think that's code for me to love myself by myself again. But I'm so incredibly frightened....

And thank you Cassandra for the quote. I really hope I make it through this and come out on the other side feeling better. 


  1. Some of the things you've said remind me SO MUCH of what I went through with my last hugely significant other. We'd been together nearly two years, my whole college career. We'd done the long distance thing, and then I moved back home for him. I made huge sacrifices to be with him because I felt like he was "the one". He was my best friend, he knew things not even my girlfriends knew. I was enmeshed in his family. His parents loved me and I adored them.

    And then life happened. I decided I couldn't plan my life out around him, because I'd regret it later and I hate him for it. So I went back to Hawaii, and then things just slowly unraveled. I felt like we were drifting. When I got back home for the summer I broke up with him. It took me MONTHS of agonizing thought about the future of our relationship to come to that decision, and none of my friends said anything helpful, I had to come to it on my own. It was painful. Even though I made the call, I was a bit devastated. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

    Luckily for me I went to be a counselor at a summer camp for two months and didn't have to see him or even talk to him. That helped me get over the worst of it surprisingly fast.

    I'm actually in full support of the moving away idea. You need to get away, go somewhere you aren't tripping over memories of him all the time. Makes it so much easier to get to that content place, where the memories aren't bitter or painful.

    But I guess I could give you all the advice in the world but in the end only you can get yourself into a good place with this whole mess.

  2. Oh sweetie - I know you are in pain and confused right now. I wish I could tell you something that would make it all better. Concentrate on you - and do things that you enjoy doing. Whether or not you get back together, it will be okay. And I think you will come out of this stronger.

  3. You'll be fine, lovely. I'm here for you. :)

  4. My way of getting over Mr. Man when we broke up was to move away. I avoided him desperately for two months then escaped to college. I remember you once talking about wanting to transfer schools, maybe pursue that? Or try studying abroad! Nothing like visiting a whole different world to see beyond your own and realize everything will be okay. And you never know, just working toward those goals may make you feel better, even if you don't actually go. More than anything, I think you just need something to occupy your mind other than Prince Charming. Gigi was right, concentrate on you and do something, anything, that will make you feel better. Even if it's drastic and a little crazy. Love is crazy, so getting over it must be crazy too. <3


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