You guys, something terrible happened today.
This weekend turned out nothing like I had hoped it would. And it kills me to be here writing this now, but I feel like if I don't write something I'll never be able to move forward. Words are so hard to find right now, but I'm going to do my best.
Some things in life will never stay. One moment you will be happy and the next minute it will feel like someone pulled the rug from underneath your feet and knocked the wind out of you.
I am so at a loss for how to feel. I keep trying to put words to my emotions, but mostly I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry and then I'm not. I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do.
I'm angry because of the timing. Because of how it happened. Because I was in too much shock at that moment in time that I didn't know exactly what to say and I spent the whole car ride home crying and thinking of words that should've been said. Air that should've been cleared. Feelings that should've been expressed. But you guys, even now I still don't have good words.
Part of me knew this was coming. I mean, it had to happen someday right? Because I can't be happy forever. Just now that it's here, even though I tried to brace myself for it, it still punctures pretty deep. January is the worst month in the history of ever. Three consecutive Januaries have brought break ups with them - and none of those break ups were my idea. I have no control.
And I wonder if I should have fought harder. I wonder if I should've stayed in town tonight and been around in case he changed his mind. But I don't think he's going to. I think this is it, and here I am, by myself to start another year.
Except that it's not all about me. And TheBoy needs to take care of himself before he can be ready to deal with any girl - not just me. Even though I understand this, that doesn't make this situation hurt any less. It doesn't ease any pain. It doesn't bring any comfort. If anything it just makes it harder, because I want to be there for him and he doesn't want me.
I have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are only temporary. That with time my wounds will heal. I know that I was really starting to fall, more than I had let myself like anybody else in a really long time. I knew how dangerous that was for me, but little by little he was working his way inside. Hesitant at first, it wasn't really until recently that I slipped farther and farther in like with this boy.
But I knew that it would have to end someday. I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. I was wrong. I just know that he makes me laugh and that it's easy to get along with him. I just liked being with him, I didn't really need anything else. And now that's all gone.
There's a quote I've read a couple times in different places, and I don't know who said it, but I keep coming back to it. "If you are happy with the wrong one, just think of how happy you'll be when you're with the right one."
I don't know who my right one is, but I'd like to find him. I'd like someone who thinks I'm important. Who's willing to fight for me. Who thinks I'm worth it. I'd like to find someone who will love me and prove it to me every day. I don't know how I'll find this guy, but I know he has to be out there.
TheBoy is not a bad guy. I'm only mad for now, but not forever. And I hope that he can figure out what he needs to and become the best man he can possibly be. It's been a rough month. I want it to be summer now. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.