Saturday, January 26, 2013

and just like that it's over

You guys, something terrible happened today.

This weekend turned out nothing like I had hoped it would. And it kills me to be here writing this now, but I feel like if I don't write something I'll never be able to move forward. Words are so hard to find right now, but I'm going to do my best.

Some things in life will never stay. One moment you will be happy and the next minute it will feel like someone pulled the rug from underneath your feet and knocked the wind out of you.

I am so at a loss for how to feel. I keep trying to put words to my emotions, but mostly I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry and then I'm not. I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do.

I'm angry because of the timing. Because of how it happened. Because I was in too much shock at that moment in time that I didn't know exactly what to say and I spent the whole car ride home crying and thinking of words that should've been said. Air that should've been cleared. Feelings that should've been expressed. But you guys, even now I still don't have good words.

Part of me knew this was coming. I mean, it had to happen someday right? Because I can't be happy forever. Just now that it's here, even though I tried to brace myself for it, it still punctures pretty deep. January is the worst month in the history of ever. Three consecutive Januaries have brought break ups with them - and none of those break ups were my idea. I have no control.

And I wonder if I should have fought harder. I wonder if I should've stayed in town tonight and been around in case he changed his mind. But I don't think he's going to. I think this is it, and here I am, by myself to start another year.

Except that it's not all about me. And TheBoy needs to take care of himself before he can be ready to deal with any girl - not just me. Even though I understand this, that doesn't make this situation hurt any less. It doesn't ease any pain. It doesn't bring any comfort. If anything it just makes it harder, because I want to be there for him and he doesn't want me.

I have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are only temporary. That with time my wounds will heal. I know that I was really starting to fall, more than I had let myself like anybody else in a really long time. I knew how dangerous that was for me, but little by little he was working his way inside. Hesitant at first, it wasn't really until recently that I slipped farther and farther in like with this boy.

But I knew that it would have to end someday. I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. I was wrong. I just know that he makes me laugh and that it's easy to get along with him. I just liked being with him, I didn't really need anything else. And now that's all gone.

There's a quote I've read a couple times in different places, and I don't know who said it, but I keep coming back to it. "If you are happy with the wrong one, just think of how happy you'll be when you're with the right one."

I don't know who my right one is, but I'd like to find him. I'd like someone who thinks I'm important. Who's willing to fight for me. Who thinks I'm worth it. I'd like to find someone who will love me and prove it to me every day. I don't know how I'll find this guy, but I know he has to be out there.

TheBoy is not a bad guy. I'm only mad for now, but not forever. And I hope that he can figure out what he needs to and become the best man he can possibly be. It's been a rough month. I want it to be summer now. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear this. I started 2010 in much the same way and I know that punch in the gut feeling.

    Take time to be mad, to be sad, to get out emotionally what you need to get out.

    But don't let your heart give up. You will find someone who will take the best care of you he can. Opening up our hearts is scary and makes us terribly vulnerable but I think to have the kind of relationship you wish to have it has to be done.

  2. Have you and God ever sat down and laid out a list of the traits you want in a husband? First on the list should be: 1, loves the Lord with all his heart. 2, loves me with all his heart; 3, believes that God has a plan for your life together; 4, is kind in all of his ways, etc. Then stick to the list. Debi had her list of things she wanted in a man and look how long she waited for him to come into her life. I have always admired that she stuck by her guns and was willing to wait out the time for God to bring him into her life. And how they love one another. You can see it in their faces, especially their eyes, and in the way they speak and treat one another. Your dad waited a long time for God to bring the right woman into his life. And how worth it it was. Get alone with the Lord and set your sites on what He wants for you and allow Him to heal your broken heart and learn from the experience, for God wastes nothing that comes into our lives. He is always teaching us. Love you, Oma

  3. Sandy Keith is right. You should take the time to sit down with God and figure out what's important to you about your future husband.
    I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. God knows I know how bad it hurts. Time will heal you, as it has me.
    Something to remember is we usually find what we were looking for... When we're not looking. I know how hard it is, but use this time of singleness to focus on God and your future. Let God handle the part of you getting a man. He handles such things better than we ever could.
    If you ever need to talk.. Well you know where to find me.

  4. Aw, Natalie. I'm so, so sorry to hear this. In a small way, I feel right along with you as you keep us posted.

    I wish I had something wise or poetic or comforting to tell you. I'm not getting anything that would be especially helpful. Do what you have in the past: focus on yourself, God, and yourself and God :) You know you'll be happy and fulfilled again.

    I LOVE that quote. Definitely keep that in mind too. What a great thought!

    Always here if you need anything.



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