how fast things change

I'm so mad I just want to chuck something across my room.

When TheBoy was in Puerto Rico for three weeks I was lonely. I missed him so much that my dad told me I was too attached to him. And I remember anxiously waiting for him to walk through the exit at the airport and with the amount of affection that he greeted me. But that was three weeks ago.

It's amazing how fast things can change. How fast they can change and you have little to no idea that they are indeed evolving.

I felt a little closer to him every time I saw him. And maybe that's part of why he wants to push me away. His life is crazy right now and he told me that he didn't want to get too close. That's why he couldn't use the word love with me.

Except that he did once. We were sitting in a restaurant talking about advice for futures in his career field. The man we were conversing with had some really great advice to give, and I knew it worked from my own experiences. He told us to make sure we always wore comfortable shoes, so I told a cute little anecdote about how when I was breaking in my dress shoes I would teach in my slippers. I would wear my dress shoes in the hallways and to the teacher's lounge, but they just hurt my feet too much to stand in them all day.

TheBoy asked me if I really did that and with a nod of my head and smile I answered, you bet I did! And that's when he says "That's why I love you." I just sort of looked at him with a smile on my face that was like, did you really just say that? For the first time, here in this crowded place? I thought maybe he hadn't meant to say it, so I never brought it back up. But it was on my mind a lot.

I just let myself fall for him. I let myself like him more and more because we got along so well. He's hilarious and knows how to make me feel better. But I also let myself be vulnerable to him, and this is the result that I got - pushed away.

With everything that's happened in the last month in his life, I only just started noticing the distance within the last week. There was a day where we didn't communicate at all and that's when I knew that something was really wrong.

But on Thursday he told me that he was excited to see me. And even though he was a little distant the whole time I was down there, I figured it was for bigger reasons than wanting to break up with me. So I started to have a conversation with him about it, and that's when he broke the news that he wanted to be alone. It was like he'd just punched me in the stomach. I closed myself up in the bathroom and cried.

Why can't these things ever happen on my terms? I am always subject to how the other person feels. Break ups are never my idea, I just get stuck with them. Then I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. Which makes me mad.

Why am I not good enough to keep around? Why does this happen to me every January? Why is it impossible to find someone who will love me? Why did this have to happen?

I have no answers really. All I have is time. Time to move on. Time to figure things out. Time to cry myself to sleep and around the house when I'm awake. I know from the past that these feelings won't last forever, but they do have to happen in order to move on. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And even though I'm mad at Him right now, eventually I'll be okay again.

At least there has been an outpouring of friendship and people who do care about me. I don't know what I'd do without them.

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Cause even in the dark you can still see the light. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. 

Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know we're not alone.