MY CHANGING LEAFS

So tomorrow is my last day at Le Peep. It's been a fun run, and I'm really going to miss it. The people that I work with have become a sort of second family to me and I love my early mornings with them. The deep and meaningful conversations mixed with the inside jokes and yes, even some of the drama, has all been a positive experience. It isn't without it's downfalls, because nothing in this life is perfect,  but this job was pretty awesome. 

It feels like transition periods are always bittersweet. On one hand, I'm leaving to train for a management position at a local juice bar. So this is valuable experience I will be able to put on my resume and I love, love, love the girls there. And on the other hand, I'm leaving behind a place that I have really enjoyed. 

This feels kind of like when I moved away from Moscow to go be a student teacher. It's so weird that college went by so fast when it started out being the slowest of the slow. Now when I go back with Nathan to visit his family and we drive through campus, it's almost a foreign place. We drive by the buildings I used to inhabit on a regular basis and all my memories come flooding back to me at once. 

I did not want to leave Moscow. I was not ready to be done with school and with my independence or with any of my studio classes. Maybe it's the teacher in me who is just never quite done learning all of the things. I'm filled with this hunger to keep furthering my knowledge and I guess there are worse things in life. 

But then, after I moved back home and started student teaching and my life kept changing, it didn't really make me miss school less, but it helped to see that I was applying my knowledge correctly and that my students were learning. And since I've been back in Coeur d'Alene it seems that my life has not really quit changing, because hello! Here's is another life altering transition for you!

I'm a firm believer in the Everything-Happens-For-A-Reason and the If-It's-Meant-To-Happen-It-Will and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. There is a purpose for my transition from Le Peep to The Wellness Bar and this is the beginning of the Adventure Of Why. 

It's funny that this is happening now, as the seasons are changing. Welcome Autumn and instead of the changing leafs signaling the start of a new school year, it's instead signaling the start of a new job. 

Today I did laundry and went grocery shopping. I cleaned the kitchen and tidied my bedroom. I bought a cinnamon pecan swirl scented candle and tonight I will make dinner and probably watch Netflix. And tomorrow I will wake up for my last hostessing shift and spend the night out with my friends for a happy Halloween. So far, it's been a good year folks. 

WAITING

All my life I have been waiting for the next big thing. I have heard from numerous people that waiting for saturday, or summer, or next year so my life will actually start is the wrong way to go about it, because, hello, life has already started. I'm already living it. And you know what? I always knew they were right, but I still kept waiting.

This year my word of focus has been "authentic" and when I chose that word, I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen. I sort of knew what direction I wanted to take with that, but at the same time I wasn't sure how "authenticity" was going to present itself.

I believe that being present in your moments is the best thing you can do for yourself - and yet I would still find myself waiting for something to change in order for me to be who I am. When I was a child I kept waiting to be an adult. When I was in college I kept waiting for next year, or for graduation, or for my new job to start. I kept wondering when I was actually just going to be myself and be living my life. I kept focusing on the next and not the now, and what I realized is that it makes it hard to be present in my moments. It makes it hard for me to be myself.

Last summer I had a brief epiphany while standing in the Albertson's building on the University of Idaho campus, which apparently I worded all wrong and made my dad think I was going to quit trying to be a teacher and move back to Moscow for school which wasn't really my intention at all.

And then, this year I lost my position as an art teacher due to budget cuts and there I was, feeling a little directionless and also, waiting. I was having a total identity crisis - like, who even do I think I am, if I'm not a teacher?

I'm not sure when it started to click for me, but I'm beginning to see that THIS IS MY LIFE. You guys, I'm already here. I'm already in it. I don't know how to say in more words that this is it. And I'm not upset about it. I'll find more employment. I'll continue to grow as a person, in my faith, in my relationships.

I work as a night manager at a restaurant and I do odd art jobs for people and businesses. Speaking of which, telling people that yes, I'm the artist, will probably never not be weird. And at the same time, I absolutely love it. Yes, I am the artist. I feel the most at home when I am creating something.

So, I think that authenticity word is actually coming to fruition this year. I am living more in my moments - while still maintaining a healthy dose of concern for the future. I used to live only for the weekends, but now I think it's okay that it's Monday or Tuesday. Does that make any sense?

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that it's also summer time and that helps. It's weird to not be starting to gear up for the fall, no classes to take or to teach. It's just like, here is life. Go and live it.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

///

I worked as an artist for a local business this past weekend. I've never done a commercial piece of art before but I have to tell you, after this experience, I definitely want to do more. So, from start to finish this was probably a good 20 hours worth of work and at the end of it my arms and upper torso were so sore and the tips of my fingers had indents in them from holding the chalk - but it was totally worth it.

concept sketch using chalk pastel on paper 

 concept sketches of sizes and colors. 

the finished product! (the in-between photos are still on my phone and i'm too lazy to pull them off)

(hashtag sorry not sorry)

and now, detail shots!

i'm particularly proud of this beet.

the new normal

There is so much that I want to say but I don't know how to word it. So I process and I journal and I talk until I figure it out. It's so funny that as little kids we are always in a hurry to grow up and then we get here and go "for the love of bacon, this is tough." 

In order to keep going forward in my life, I have to make certain decisions. Decisions that involve cutting certain people out of my life while allowing others to stay in it - and in addition to those things, I am learning to make new friends. 

PC and I had a terrible conversation the other night. And by terrible I mean I finally had to break down and tell him that there was zero chance we would ever get back together. It hasn't been that long that TheBoy and I have been apart, so excuse me for not wanting to flirt with anyone right away. And um, excuse me? Did PC really think he had a shot anyway? After how he treated me? Was he just hoping I'd forget everything and come running back into his arms? No thanks. I learned a lot from that relationship, and it was mostly how I don't want to be treated. 

And that is part of what makes it so hard to let TheBoy go. He hasn't treated me wrong. He's a great guy. But this thing that we are doing - this civil and friendly way we are treating each other - is not working for me. So in order for me to do what's best in my life, I have to let go. I have to stop talking to him or my door will always be open. 

Through a series of honest conversations with myself, and a lot of journaling, I decided it was time to move on. I wrote a letter to TheBoy that was full of everything I would want to say to him in a perfect world. He will never read that letter, it was just for me to put everything out in the open and move on from there. 

Also, I decided that I have to reach out and make connections here where I am right now at this moment. I can't keep living in the past wishing that I could just go back to Moscow. I can't live that style of life forever and I can't keep pretending that I'm still in school. I graduated. I have a degree and a teaching certificate. And even though school is the only life I know, it's time for me to start defining my new normal. 

And that new normal is taking place here and now and if I'm not careful I will miss it. 

and just like that it's over

You guys, something terrible happened today.

This weekend turned out nothing like I had hoped it would. And it kills me to be here writing this now, but I feel like if I don't write something I'll never be able to move forward. Words are so hard to find right now, but I'm going to do my best.

Some things in life will never stay. One moment you will be happy and the next minute it will feel like someone pulled the rug from underneath your feet and knocked the wind out of you.

I am so at a loss for how to feel. I keep trying to put words to my emotions, but mostly I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry and then I'm not. I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do.

I'm angry because of the timing. Because of how it happened. Because I was in too much shock at that moment in time that I didn't know exactly what to say and I spent the whole car ride home crying and thinking of words that should've been said. Air that should've been cleared. Feelings that should've been expressed. But you guys, even now I still don't have good words.

Part of me knew this was coming. I mean, it had to happen someday right? Because I can't be happy forever. Just now that it's here, even though I tried to brace myself for it, it still punctures pretty deep. January is the worst month in the history of ever. Three consecutive Januaries have brought break ups with them - and none of those break ups were my idea. I have no control.

And I wonder if I should have fought harder. I wonder if I should've stayed in town tonight and been around in case he changed his mind. But I don't think he's going to. I think this is it, and here I am, by myself to start another year.

Except that it's not all about me. And TheBoy needs to take care of himself before he can be ready to deal with any girl - not just me. Even though I understand this, that doesn't make this situation hurt any less. It doesn't ease any pain. It doesn't bring any comfort. If anything it just makes it harder, because I want to be there for him and he doesn't want me.

I have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are only temporary. That with time my wounds will heal. I know that I was really starting to fall, more than I had let myself like anybody else in a really long time. I knew how dangerous that was for me, but little by little he was working his way inside. Hesitant at first, it wasn't really until recently that I slipped farther and farther in like with this boy.

But I knew that it would have to end someday. I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. I was wrong. I just know that he makes me laugh and that it's easy to get along with him. I just liked being with him, I didn't really need anything else. And now that's all gone.

There's a quote I've read a couple times in different places, and I don't know who said it, but I keep coming back to it. "If you are happy with the wrong one, just think of how happy you'll be when you're with the right one."

I don't know who my right one is, but I'd like to find him. I'd like someone who thinks I'm important. Who's willing to fight for me. Who thinks I'm worth it. I'd like to find someone who will love me and prove it to me every day. I don't know how I'll find this guy, but I know he has to be out there.

TheBoy is not a bad guy. I'm only mad for now, but not forever. And I hope that he can figure out what he needs to and become the best man he can possibly be. It's been a rough month. I want it to be summer now. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.

goodbye is hard

Goodbye is something I was never very good at. Mostly because I refused to believe that you will never see someone again or be somewhere again. But today I had to do a very hard thing - I had to say goodbye to the town that has been my home for the last four years and to all the people who are still there.

And it was not fun.

It still hasn't really hit me that I've moved back in with my parents for good. I feel like I'm just here for the weekend, only it's not the weekend and I have no apartment to go back to. I hate that I'm away from all my friends and I hate that I don't even have my own bedroom in this house anymore. I'm mad that I'm spending my favorite season and hour and a half away from where I want to be. I have tried to have a good attitude about this move. I knew it was coming for a long time - but the reality is still hard to bear. I think I'm allowed to be mad though. To grieve for my lost independence and the freedom that came with no longer living in my parents' household.

I suspect it won't be all bad. No rent. Free food. People who love me. But it just feels...odd. Like I wasn't ready for it and all of a sudden my world has changed.

Friday night I was hanging out with a whole bunch of my friends. I was sitting on the couch, squished between some of my favorite people on the planet. The room was full of laughter about stupid things and dumb conversations, but I loved every minute of it.

And that's when it started to sink in. This overwhelming feeling that I won't get to do this for a while. It felt like the walls were going to cave in and that's when I bolted for the door. The back porch was a much better alternative - far less crowded and no ceiling to collapse on top of me. I curled up in a white wicker chair that faced the yard and took a deep breath. My life was about to change forever and in that moment I couldn't handle it.

Nathaniel came to check on me, but at that point I still had no words for why I was out there by myself except that that's where I wanted to be. He tried to coax me back inside, but at the moment I just wasn't ready. I needed some time and some space.

I was alone, looking at the stars and having a regular pity party on the porch. I'm sure it was a sight to see, but guys, it just had to happen. I hadn't had time to really think about what it meant to leave, and that back porch was my moment.

The back door squeaked open and then closed again. I heard footsteps on the deck behind me, but the person those footsteps belonged to didn't try to touch me. Honestly I thought it was SVI taking a cigarette break, which would explain why he didn't approach me because we don't do a whole lot of interacting these days. But then the person stopped moving and the stars reminded me of how much I wished I could just stay there and stare at them forever.

And guys? I cried. I tried to fight it, but there was no use. A couple gentle sobs found their way to the surface and there was nothing I could do. Soon I would have to say goodbye to this house, to the people who lived there, and to that beautiful night sky. It was more than I could take. And then I was interrupted by one of those people that I was going to have to say goodbye to all too soon.

He sat down across from me and just started talking. Telling me all sorts of wonderful things to make me feel better. I wiped my eyes and answered him in a shaky voice at first, you know the kind that come after tears when you're still a little unsure of yourself. The person who I previously thought was SVI moved out of the shadows and sat on the other side of my little white chair. It was Nathaniel.

Immediately I was embarrassed that he'd heard me crying, but the conversation was taking off and the three of us sat on that back porch and talked until four in the morning. I don't even remember everything we talked about, but I was so incredibly glad for that conversation and the distraction that it afforded me from being an over emotional girl.

It's not easy to say goodbye to those people, but I made promises to come back and visit and they made threats to kill me if I didn't. So it's not really as much of a goodbye as I let myself believe at first. I just don't know what it's like really to pack up one's life and leave.

Living with my parents is going to be its own adventure, which I just have to learn to embrace. But for now it feels like I've left my home behind and I'm trapped in this unreality of living somewhere that's not my home. Sure this is where my family lives, but I don't have a place here anymore, or at least it doesn't feel as though I do. Maybe that will change as time goes on, but I feel like a stranger in this house. Nothing is mine.

Free

I don't want to hold back from life. I want to squeeze everything I can out of this time I have here on earth. Sometimes I miss Somebody-Very-Important, but I really feel like he doesn't want to be part of my life. He said that he wanted to be friends, but I'm not sure if he meant that. And that's really alright with me, because that's his decision to make.

I do miss the fun that we used to have together, going out to breakfast, going to church together, and just hanging out with one another. In all honesty I wish we would have just been friends from the get go because I think that we would work better that way. But as it stands, all I can do is live my own life and make my own decisions.

I forgot how fun it was to be single, though. I don't have to report to anyone and I don't have to include another person in my decision making processes. I can go wherever I want whenever I want and I don't have to worry about how a certain person feels about that. It's a little bit liberating, to say the least.

I don't want to date someone else this semester, not when I'm just going to up and leave in June. And I'm liking exploring myself, my life, my likes, dislikes, and favorites. I'm doing things that I want to do, which involves creating art, loving Jesus, hanging out with my friends, doing things I've always wanted to do, and doing things I'm scared to do.

Life isn't perfect, by any means, but it's way more fun to go out and do things than it is to sit and be miserable. Even when I have bad days, I'm still really happy. Things are changing, which is scary, and I'll be graduating school soon and moving, but that's what is so exciting.

The world is wide open for me, and nothing is stopping me from going out and doing things. I have been so busy lately with three studio classes and two jobs, but I don't think I would want it any other way. I am truly a wild one running free.

You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone

It's been two days since I called it quits with my used-to-be-charming Prince. We're still working through our issues. Talking it out over instant message and text. It's a process - and that's what sucks.

But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.

I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.

He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.

Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.

It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.

I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.

Or else, I don't know what to think.

When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.

I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.

Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.

I have been listening to this song on repeat today:



Here are the lyrics: