Being tired makes me emotional. Having a long day with the outlook of an even longer day tomorrow after being tired all day today doesn't help. And feeling sick just adds to the torture.
I don't know how I made it through today and I don't know how I will make it through tomorrow either. I have a bajillion and a half things to do and little to no attention span with which to do them. I'm irrational and dodgey at best, and tomorrow I have students to teach! Minds to mold! Values to warp! You know, all that good juicy stuff.
And what's the absolute worst about being emotional and tired is that it makes me miss having someone to immediately fall back on. Someone who I know will be there for me through thick and thin, through the good and the bad, for ever and ever amen. I miss him. Especially when I just feel like crap and all I want to do is lay around cry.
But I have to pick myself up by my bootstraps, I don't have him to rely on anymore. Sometimes I get so caught up in that thought I can't even breathe, do you know what that feels like? And then I have to will myself to think about something else because in all reality I can't bear to think of my future without him in it. Not yet. I still want him there, even after all that's happened.
(Right about there is where my dad is rolling his eyes and telling me to just move on, because hello? Girlfriend, you don't need him anymore. (My dad would totally never use the world girlfriend though, haha, not like that.) But he is right, and I feel like also he isn't.)
He's right because I do need to move on. And I'm working on it. I'm working through it. But it's hard. It's been a month since we parted, and I have kicked and thrashed and threw a temper tantrum almost every step of the way. I am unwilling to give up or give in - I always feel like not yet! It's too soon! But the longer and longer we are apart, the more I feel like I don't want to be without him.
I don't know how to not feel that way, you know?
Not only have I lost my boyfriend, but I've lost my best friend. I've said that before, but it's completely true. Who did I run to when I had a bad day? Who did I rely on for a hug and a kiss when someone was mean to me? Who held me after I got a bad grade on a test? Who encouraged me that everything was going to work out and be okay? Losing someone who was there for you that much is so difficult.
I know I only blog about this when I am upset, because when I'm fine I find other things to tell you about. But I feel like I keep relapsing every so often, breaking down and just wishing he was there to hold me, to whisper in my ear, to stroke my hair. I wish he was here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be just fine.
Every time I feel like this, I remind myself that Jesus is here and He cares and He knows what the future holds. He is in control and I'm not, even though sometimes I very much wish I could be. I feel like a monkey with my hand grasped firmly on the shiny thing in the cage, and I can't let go. I won't let go. I don't want to let go.
I need to let go.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him, you know. I don't know if that scares him. I don't know if maybe that's part of what caused him to freak out. But I didn't start out feeling that way. He introduced that thought into my head when we first started dating. But once I got there, I still don't know how forget about that. About those promises we made to each other.
I realize that yes, people change, and yes, time marches on, and no, nothing will ever stay the same, but for the love of Pete, could our promises please mean something? My heart aches and my head aches and my stomach aches.
I don't want this to be over. I don't want this to be through. I want him. Someday. Soon. I need him. Or at least right now, I feel like I do.