Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Truth About This

I remember what it was like before I knew Prince Charming. I was single, completely unattached to any boy, and I was okay with that. I wanted a boyfriend, but I wasn't searching actively. I didn't go places and scour the horizon for the next guy to walk my way.

I was confident in myself. I was totally okay with being a single girl. I actually felt like I was destined to be single for a long time before I met any boy worth my time.

And then October 2008 arrived in my life. I went to Halloween party and met this boy I thought was ridiculously adorable. I held his hand and he didn't make me let it go.

I talked to him online. And he was so much like me, and yet he was so much more different than me. He had huge brown eyes with eyelashes that looked like they were made to catch snow flakes in winter, or brush away worries from your cheek if he got too close to me.

He was goofy. He made me laugh. He wasn't able to successfully hand me a pumpkin from underneath his chin in a relay game we played at the party on the same team. You know the game, where you have an object you have to pass down the line but you can't use your hands? We epically failed, but laughed the entire time.

He has such a great laugh. Such a beautiful smile.

During the months that followed he changed from the boy I met at the party into a more independent soul of a man. I loved it. I loved him. I loved the way his lips pressed against in the dark of night in my car outside his house bidding him farewell before I left back for school.

I loved holding his hand in the cold weather when we would hike on Tubbs hill before the snow arrived. I loved when he would hold me close and shield me from the wind. It was so nice to have someone who cared about me. It was so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, an embrace to fall into.

We worked together at camp the following summer. I didn't know hardly anyone and being slightly shy, I stuck to him like glue. We were attached at the hip. We were the same person. Wherever he went, I followed.

I was so happy.

The new school year arrived, and we lived in the same building, on the same floor. I think that's where the trouble started. I think that's where we were too much in each other's lives. But I didn't care. I just knew that being with him was the most fun thing.

We would argue over stupid things, but we would each say we were sorry. It wasn't that we didn't like each other, it was the stress of homework, jobs, and life that took it's toll on our relationship. He told me he was going to be there for me through thick or thin.

I believed him.

Our second summer was the worst. We had a long talk on the beach one night after a particularly irritating day. We talked about where we thought this relationship was headed. I asked him if he thought at this time next year would we still be dating?

He told me he didn't think so.

I lost my confidence.

We argue too much. I told him it's because of stress. We decided that when school came around again we would take a short break. And then instead of waiting until school, we tried during the summer. That was too difficult for me. Every day at work there was a visual reminder of a relationship I still believed was salvageable.

During that summer we had many long talks about "us" and our relationship and where we headed. We shed a lot of tears, hugged, and proclaimed that no matter what, we would still be friends. And I looked at him, tears brimming in my eyes and I thought to myself, there is no way I can be just friends with you.

We went to his brother's wedding in early August, as boyfriend/girlfriend because I told Prince that I wasn't going to a wedding for a family I wasn't part of if I wasn't going there with my boyfriend. He told me he would be my Prince-y for the wedding. I asked him what would happen after the wedding. What would be then? Back to just friends? I didn't want to go if that was going to be the outcome.

But he persevered. He said "Well, we'll see how the wedding goes. And if we don't fight too much, we'll stay together afterward." I agreed to that, and went on to have the most fun weekend of the whole summer. With my boyfriend.

We were fine after that. We worked together wonderfully, no fights, no arguments, nothing. It was great. It was fun. I thought finally we had made it through the storm. Finally we could just go back to the way things were before all the ups and downs. We could love each other the way that God wanted us to.

And then we got to school. And all of his buddies were here. And this year his best friend is down here too. And then he started to push me away again. I couldn't understand. I didn't know what had happened to change his mind? What had I done that made him not want me anymore?

How could this be fixed?

My heart was breaking, as it had been doing the entire summer. Band-aids couldn't fix this problem. Duct tape couldn't fix this problem. I just had to figure things out for myself. He's adamant about the fact that he wants to be my friend. He wants us to be good friends before we get back together.

I wondered if we would be the couple that breaks up and gets back together. I look at all the examples in the world, and I look at the real world examples of people I know. My uncle and his wife before they were married, Prince's best friend and his girlfriend even. I have hope.

But I do not have confidence. I am just waiting here, to see what Prince decides. He wants some time to just be him. In November it would have been two years together. I've heard from people when it gets to be around the two year mark, some people start to question themselves or their relationships to see if this is really where they want to be or not. Maybe this is where Prince is. Maybe this is what he's doing.

He just wants some time to be one of the boys. Maybe he just wants freedom to see what else is out there. I don't know what's going through his mind. He's told me that he doesn't want to lose me, he wants me in his life. He thinks we have a chance.

Sometimes I want so badly to believe him. I don't want to let him go. And sometimes I feel so hopeless about the entire situation. But as long as he thinks we'll make it through this storm, I'll keep holding on. There's no one else out there I want to date. There's no one else out there that makes my heart beat fast in my chest when he holds my hands.

There's no one else who's simple smile can brighten my day.

So I wait.


  1. Oh Nat, sorry to hear you're hurting so much. :) I have been there and it is never easy. Only time makes it better and unfortunately you can't rush it.

  2. I know it hurts, sweetie. All you can do is go forward.

  3. Hey sweetie, I love you so much! I'm sorry we couldn't see each other over labor day, and I'm so sorry that this is happening... I hope that everything heads down the road you want to travel, but know that if it doesn't you are still amazing, and no man, however princely and charming, should take away your confidence...


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