Just Some Thoughts At The End Of The Day

Being in college has opened up a new part of me that I didn't really know even existed. But I suppose that everyone goes through experiences in life that shape them as a human being. My life goes through bouts of drama along with lulls of okay-ness. But to me, it's really never dull. I mean sometimes I can be boring, so occasionally I'll feel as though I have nothing to write about really, but in reality - there's always something I can say. I think maybe part of that is the invisible writer that I have living deep in my soul.

My life is far less complicated than other people's lives, and sometimes I have to admit I feel inadequate to have my own blog. But this place is like a haven for my poor 'tortured' mind. I just write what goes on, I just write what I feel and I try to make it as interesting as possible. Like this thing I'm going through with Belle right now. Interesting? Possibly. Entertaining? Mildly. Real? Always. Biased? Well, it is really only my side of the story, so I suppose that you don't have all the facts. On the flip side however, I'm trying very hard NOT to put all the blame on Belle, because it's not all her fault. We've been thrown into this situation and we could BOTH be a lot more mature about how it's being handled - but we are only 18 and so being mature right is kind of a struggle. Especially when we both are stubborn. I could list all of the faults that I find in her, but what good does that really do? Other than it gets it out of my head. But who wants to read that?? Really. Be honest. You don't care about all the negative that I have to say about her.

So here are some positive things that I like about my roommate:
- She has a sense of humor that I really appreciate. If she's not being perverted about something, she actually can be quite humorous and entertaining.
- She's always had my back up til now. We used to lean on each other all the time, but now it's just different.
- She cleans the hair out of my brush for me and out of the vaccuum cleaner, because if I try to do that, I'll gag. Pathetic, I know. You can laugh, it's okay.
- She drives me places.
- She has her own opinions and isn't scared to defend them.
- She's a great photographer.
- She's never at a loss for words.
- Music is her talent, and boy is she skilled.
- Her sewing skills are off the charts. I love the purple pillow that she made for me.
- She really does care somewhere deep down inside herself about me.

*deep breath*

Life may not always be peachy keen and rainbows and butterflies, but there's ALWAYS something positive. Some days you just have to search harder, dig deeper and look longer to find it and some days it's right there wham bam in your face exciting. Some may ask if the glass is half full and some may ask if the glass is half empty - but me? I just wonder who the heck is drinking my lemonade.

College has also opened up other parts of my life. Like late night grocery store runs. Or I suppose, in my case it would be early morning. I've mentioned before about us girls hitting up WinCo at 1 in the morning, but today I went to the store at 4 in the morning. I couldn't believe I'd done it either - but somehow I'd got roped into going and before I could protest I was in jeans, shoes and a thick jacket outside headed to WinCo. And it was fun! Sure, it probably wasn't the smartest move we could have made because at 4 in the morning people should be asleep, but really! It was an adventure. I love adventures! Everything is an adventure!

I'm not going to stay up near as late tonight though. I needs my beauty sleep so I can keep on looking half way presentable to the rest of the world. And I am currently hooked on the movie PS I Love You. The songs on my player? All from the soundtrack. If someone wanted to buy it for me I wouldn't protest... Ha ha ha. No, don't do it, it's unnecessary. :-)

My Sweet Song, It's Been A Long Time

Things that make me laugh and smile:
- a good song
- a old story
- a fireplace on a rainy day
- laying on the lawn in the summer sunshine where you can smell the fresh cut grass and a cool breeze gently caresses your skin
- a mother's hug
- an unexpected kiss
- the moment when you catch your reflection in a mirror and are either apalled or pleased with your appearance
- the innocence in a young child's eyes
- dancing when no one is watching
- a funny joke
- Prince Charming's smile
- seeing someone that you haven't seen in a while
- a good movie
- the words "i love you"
- pictures
- how you feel after you helped someone who needed it
- when you finally understand what someone or something means
- that moment that you embrace someone you've missed terribly
- surprises
- winning a game of tic tac toe
- sand between my toes on a hot summer day
- holding my own while we're tubing on the lake
- having an interesting conversation
- being silly
- quoting movies, songs, bumper stickers, and icons
- being sunburned
- driving at twilight with the windows of the car all the way down and the music blaring while you sing loudly and out of tune with the radio
- driving during the day doing the same thing
- being barefoot
- reading a good book
- hot chocolate
- dancing with no music
- silence
- the feeling after I come home from the gym after a hard work out
- not caring about something that isn't important
- the light feeling you get when it feels like everything is going your way
- the list goes on...

Things that make me cry:
- a sad song
- the sweet things that people do
- sad movies
- losing friends
- when something's gone wrong and you feel like there's no way you can fix it
- my mother's caring voice when i've had a bad day
- feeling alone
- feeling replaced
- feeling forgotten
- laughing because something is JUST THAT FUNNY that it squeezes out your tears
- memories, happy and sad
- driving away from something that once meant to much
- frustration at life
- when you get that intense feeling of knowing that people really do love you and care about you
- thinking everything is horrible and then realizing that it's going to be okay
- when people over come obstacles
- when characters in movies die
- the kind of writing that is so good you can feel what the character feels and empathize/sympathize with them
- a beautiful dance, gesture or movement
- math tests
- the list goes on...

Idea!

Okay so my dad emails me today about how the fam is going to start reading the book of James in the Bible. He feels like its something that God has placed on his heart. Well, when I was participating in a small group while I was still in high school - we did this. We went through the book of James chapter by chapter week by week. Dad says that on Thursday nights is when they'll gather the family around and discuss that week's chapter assignment. What a positively wonderful idea.

Sooooo, now here is MY positively wonderful idea! I'm going to do my blog on Thursdays about the chapter in the Bible that I read. As long as my family in Hayden is going throught James, I'm going to do to do the same thing on here. My dad is an avid reader of my blog and so this could really help me dig deeper into my all too limited understanding of the God-breathed scriptures. And maybe it will get some questions going in your heads too - even though I don't know how many of you actually read my posts on a regular basis. Perhaps this will sway you to at least read every Thursday.

Oh goodness and now I'm all excited!! I just want it to be Thursday! Maybe I get a little too excited a little too easily? No way. Ha, ha, ha. Anywho, have a great Friday night.

Letters of Boredom On A Friday Night

Dear Monday,

Hurry up and get here and bring my boyfriend with you. I miss him terribly. And also I want to watch the new Jon and Kate Plus 8 episode.

Sincerely,

The Lonely Damsel In Distress

***

Dear Prince Charming,

I hope Hawaii is kind and good and all you were hoping it to be. Because I'm fairly certain you've fallen in love with the state and forgot about me! Never again are we going a week without talking to each other. Too many times I've wanted to talk with you and I can't!

Love With All My Heart,
Cinderella

***

Dear MTV,

Stop with all the reality TV shows about finding 'true love.' They never work and they are boring and repetitive. Find something else to exploit.

Yours,
A Fed Up College Girl With Nothing But Time On Her Hands

***

Dear Dad,

Thanks for all your advice and care and love these past couple days. And thanks for dinner on Thursday. Ravioli never tasted so good. Ha, ha. Well, okay actually I've had better ravioli, but the company was excellent. I hope my brother enjoys the tele before I have to take it back from him next August.

Love,
The Best Daughter Ever

***

Dear Spring,

I am tired of winter. Hurry up.

xoxo
Someone Who Wants To Be Tan

Fix It Friday 4

It's Friday again! So here are my fix it friday picture posts. :-) I'm going to admit with each week I get more adventurous in my retouches of the photo at hand. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

The Original

The First Edit

The Second Edit

The Third Edit

Click on over to http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/ and check out the other entries this week. It should be great fun!

P.S. this is my 75th post! Woohoo for the blog!

Mixed Feelings

I can't sleep. I need someone to talk to, but I have no one here - well, no human anyhow. There is God. There is always God. My problem is the flesh in me wanting someone to talk to who will talk back and has arms that will just hold me. I'm not going to lie here - I'm having some issues with talking to God lately. I have so much desire to just be a good obedient child and yet I still feel like I'm not trying all that hard to act like one.

I feel like throwing up. I feel like I have lost/am in the process of losing my best friend. I remember the first night Belle and I spent in the dorm room. It was a thursday night in August and it was a whole new experience. I felt like a giddy middle schooler at a sleepover she'd just begged her parents to allow her to attend. I LOVED it. And then some drama happened that made college not so fun - but Belle and I pushed on together.

Living with Belle has it's ups and it's downs. And lately it's had more downs than ups - which is incredably unfortunate. I'm tired of living here. I'm done dealing with the daily drama that is her life. I'm sick of taking second fiddle to what I feel is her selfish nature. And that right there makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be more willing to compromise. But seriously? We do whatever she wants to do. If I'm doing homework and she wants to watch the tele, she turns the TV on. "I'll keep it low," she promises. But it's always distracting. Always. I'm thankful for when she isn't here, because that means I get some quiet and I get to get some things done without having to cater to her every need or listen to her every conversation.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to want something for myself. Generally speaking I've given up wanting certain things because I know I'll never get them and as a consequence I rarely get my hopes up for just about anything. I'm kind of pessemistic a lot of the time. And so then when I have to listen to the tele because my all too self absorbed roommate is hell bent on seeing just who gets voted off of For The Love of RayJ, I wonder if it's alright that I hate this. Am I allowed to speak out and say no? Because I've tried that before and then she makes me feel bad about not wanting the TV on. I don't know how to win. I don't know if I'm allowed to win. It's HER television set, can I say no? Because honestly, I don't feel like this is my room too. I feel like I'm a major inconvenience in her everyday life and I just annoy her when she wants to do something that I don't want to do. And then I end up venting about her to Prince Charming which is not at all fair to him. I don't know what to do.

Hardly anyone in our hall actually likes her. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she is not always nice. I mean, they all tolerate her and think that she is occasionally funny, but as a general rule they don't often associate with her unless they need her to sew something or I am in the room also. She wonders why people like me better when they met her first. She actually told Zelda that she thinks I steal all her guy friends from her because once they meet me, they like me better. Now, I do NOT know if that is a true statement, but judging by what's happened in the hall - I would say it's because I'm not perverted, I'm not nasty and as a general rule I'm pretty sweet and innocent. Just ask any guy in our hall.

The fact that I am not perverted is another reason why I am so ready to not live with her anymore also. She ALWAYS is. It's disgusting. I can't say anything really without her finding some inuiendo mixed through my words. She's worse than any boy I know. It's disgusting. And her Beast is not much better. He also does a bunch of things I don't approve of (but what does my opinion matter to him? Or to Belle for that matter because for being my best friend she certainly doesn't care a whole heck of a lot what I think about things). I mean really, what am I to her? Chopped liver?

And for being such good friends all the way back in middle school - why is it so hard for us to communicate with each other? We are always bickering and fighting and being nit picky about dumb things. She doesn't know how to take out the trash, she's not that great at cleaning up after herself and she can really say things that are mean. I didn't know how much I didn't know about her. She is not the same person that I knew for all those years. She has changed. And that sounds so cliche to me because whenever a situation is different we blame it on the person. She, she, she. That's what I've been doing here because I'm so fed up with how things are going.

But I think I have changed too - in fact, I know I have changed. But I have changed in a different way than she has changed and now our two changed persons do not get along that great. What had previously worked so well has now become out dated, underrated, and over abused. The choices she makes for the reasons that she makes them are so far from the choices that I would have made had I been in some of her situations that it's outrageously uncanny. Looking at the past couple of months it's amazing to me that there was something that ever drew me in to being her friend.

Every now and again I see a glimpse of the girl that I love - the one who is caring and loving and kind and my friend. But then she is gone again - quick as she came - and she's back to being self absorbed, eyes for Beast and only Beast, brat. It hurts. I hurt. I cry. I can't sleep tonight because she's on my mind. I want to walk away, but I don't want to never look back. Because looking back right now, we have plenty of good and happy memories that lasted throughout our friendship. We have millions of inside jokes. We once had everything I thought I wanted in a friendship. But now? Now I have nothing. Now I'm just the girl she lives with. I'm just Cinderella and she has gone from Belle to the angry Stepmother. Where is my fairy godmother when I need one?

And I don't know where Prince Charming will fit into all of this. I only bring him up because he was Belle's friend first. She told me that he was her best guy friend and she could tell him anything. And then, would you look at that, I came along and 'stole' him. I think that if I ever totally walked away from Belle, that I would feel as though I'd have to give Prince back as well. Prince would disagree here with horrendous effort, which is to be understood because he loves me, but somethings I am just uncertain about. And it hurts most that I can't even talk to him because he is currently incommunicado.

Well, I think I have said all that I can think to say this morning. I had a good long chat with one of the guys in my hall in the middle of writing this which helped me out a ton as well. I just need a distraction. Laying here in bed by myself, my mind wanders an insane amount and I need to learn to reign it back in so that I can sleep. So now I think I shall turn in and let my mind wander off to dreamland and maybe Prince Charming will be in my dreams so that I can get a hug from him while I'm asleep.

Promises or Labels?

The best friend. What does that mean? Isn't your best friend supposed to be the person who you tell your secrets too? The person who loves you no matter what? The person who is just enough like you and just enough different that things are always interesting? You're not suppose to bore each other.

I don't think I have one of those. I think I used to - but as this year has gone on, I feel as though I've lost her. I didn't think it would happen. I didn't think that I could fall out of friendship with someone who's been the person I consider my best friend for many years. But I really feel like it's happening.

Her vocabulary has changed. She got off the phone the other night and tried to say that she was really tired, but her sentence consisted of vulgarities and obsceneties that I hardly appreciated. I turned and asked her why she talked like that. "Because I can," was her mild retort. I rolled my eyes. When every other word is a cuss word, I don't want to hear you talk. Period. I know that being here in college, the F word gets more air time than it ever used to, but I can't stop everyone from saying it. I just don't want to hear it in every conversation - in every sentense. Not impressive.

Belle and Zelda have become increasingly close as the year has gone on as well. And today before Belle left to go visit Beast (her boyfriend) in the great city of Walla Walla, she told Zelda she would miss her most. That hurt. So much for being the best friend. Here's an idea, if her and Zelda have become such good friends, why I don't I just trade rooms and then she and Zelda can live together forever. I swear, I didn't think it was possible, but I don't know how much I really like Belle lately.

We do way better when we're seperated and not together all the time. Like the weekends, if I see her for a few hours. When we were still in high school being together for a few days was fine as well. But Beast has changed her, and her values and her vocabulary and this new person that I live with - yeah, don't like her so much. I want my best friend back.

All of us are dealing with cabin fever and I know personally I'm just WAITING for the months to pass until I'm OUT of here. Next year I will have a single. Sleeping Beauty and I are going to share a suite all to ourselves sans Belle and Zelda and I'm not going to miss them as of right now. I'm so sick of the poor language, the lost values and the different person that I live with. The months are counting down. And I really think that next year with Belle and I no longer share a dorm room the size of a prison cell - we'll be better off as friends.

My pastor has always said something too that I was thinking about he day. He's often said he thinks that some of us have yet to meet our best friend. I used to think that I was the exception and not the rule. I already found my best friend - Belle. But now, looking at this situation I'm in here now, well. I'm waiting for my best friend. That person that I can be myself around and share values with and not be disgusted by her language and thought pattern. And I say 'her' because I've found a best friend in Prince Charming. It's no wonder I get along better with boys...

Witicism On The Subject

I want so much to just be witty and funny all the time. I like to make people laugh. I like to be interesting. I never want to be exactly the same - but I don't ever want to be terribly different. I realize though, that I am slightly contradictory to myself. I think hypocrite is entirely the wrong word - though I KNOW I have my moments, as does everyone.

I fully believe that I am slightly narcissistic or however that word is spelled. Somewhere deep inside me I want to know that I make a difference in people's lives. That if I suddenly disappeared people would miss me. I don't know exactly why, but I've always wanted to be the girl that could wrap the old man around her tiny little finger and make even the most crusty old guy smile when I walked into the room. Probably because old men fascinate me. And I don't mean in a gold digger sense. Ew. Sick. Gross. I'm talking old men like grandfathers. Mostly because they always have interesting stories and interesting pasts and their sense of humor is generally off the charts. The movie Return To Me with Minnie Driver? The old men in that movie are the best!

I suppose this is part of the reason I feel so cheated when it comes to my dad's dad. My grandpa was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease I believe soon after my parents started dating or got married. I don't remember - clearly because I wasn't born yet. Or even thought of. But I know that man has a totally interesting past. I've heard bits and pieces of it - but because of when I came along and how fast his disease has progessed, I've never really got to know him. He's still around, but you can't hardly understand a word he says and that's not his fault at all. But see, then I have my mom's dad on the other side. And he is mostly healthy with just a few old person health issues that come with age. But I don't see him hardly ever. I see my mom's parents WAY more than I see my dad's parents - but it's just not the same. I love them, I really do, but I haven't spent near enough time with them. Ever.

But these aspirations or whatever you want to call them, I don't feel like they will ever come true. I am just me and as special as I am, I don't feel like it's at all impossible to find someone else who is exactly like me. Someone else who is a little better, a little skinnier, a little funnier, a little more unforgettable. To be irriplaceable, one must always be different.

I know there are people out there who love me, and plenty of people would miss me if I ever left - but this knowlege doesn't really change my thoughts on the subject. Whatever. Life is life and I'm here and I'm now and you can't get rid of me. I'm like a bad penny - here forever! Or at least until God calls me home, which hopefully shouldn't be for a long, long time.

Reasons I Hate Math #8

Reason #8: Sometimes it's so simple that it's complicated.

Reinvention and Ramblings

Alright so here's the deal - I'm redistributing the code names I use for people. I'm tired of using initials for all my friends and loved ones because so many of us have the same initials and that just plain gets confusing.

I'm calling M Prince Charming. Why? Because I can.

I'm calling K Belle because that's her favorite princess.

I'm calling B Zelda because that's her favorite video game.

I'm calling A Sleeping Beauty because out of all of us, she sleeps the most.

And that makes me Cinderella because she is my favorite princess and always has been.

Now, on to bigger and more important things. Well okay, so I really have nothing super big and entirely important to report other I feel like the Damsel in distress stuck here in this ancient castle guarded by a large dragon while my Prince is off galavanting elsewhere in *ahem* Hawaii. Okay, so I really need to stop beating a dead horse with this Hawaii bit, but seriously. I can not WAIT for Monday so that Prince Charming is back in the same state as me and will communicate with me via the interwebs.

As of right now, I'm also extremely lonely because Belle, Sleeping Beauty and Zelda have left me for the Jazz Fest celebrations going on down at the SUB...or are they at the dome? I don't remember. But I was excited to have the dorm to myself to do with what I please, so sitting here by myself isn't all that bad. Just makes me wish for Prince Charming more than ever.

So I'm sitting here, watching the tele. The channel is turned to Animal Planet and there's a ton of shows about Grizzlies and bear attacks. They pretty much all say the same thing, just present it in different ways. There's really nothing you can do to deterr a bear once it's decided to kill you. And it usually goes for your face/head/neck because they view your mouth as sort of a weapon (ha ha ha). But nevertheless, people end up surviving. One guy got his face torn off and the last thing he remembers is that the bear's eyes were yellow. Yellow eyes. How horrid for a last sighted memory to be. But overall it's interesting and informative and much more attention capturing than those horrid reality TV shows that Belle insists on watching day in and day out.

Okay, so she doesn't watch them day in and day out - mostly just day out because day in we are watching Jon and Kate plus 8 and What Not To Wear. Yes, we are aware that we are the coolest college students on the face of the Earth. Ever. We also like to watch A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby. It brings out the maternal side of us because us becoming mothers shouldn't happen for a long, long time.

Holy Crap! Okay, so I'm never tent camping in bear country - ever. A curious bear will trample the tent with two paws, drag the whole thing off into the woods - humans inside and all. Then they drag the human out of the tent and explore what you are. They also eat you while your alive instead of just killing you right away. Yikes. Sorry for the graphic information spill, but this show is just shocking!

Alright, well I feel that I've certainly shocked you all enough for one day, so I'm off. My quote for today? I may not know everything, but I know just enough to be dangerous. :-)

Reasons I Hate Math #7

Reason #7: We don't need to know everything. It's not about knowing it all, it's about knowing other people who know what you don't. Between me and my brother, we know everything!

Pounding On The Wall

Today started out as rainy. Then it turned to snow. And then it was back to just being wet and cold. It's typical spring weather. Yesterday the sun was shining for a bit! I enjoy the sunshine - it does wonders for the soul.

M is lucky right now - he's in Hawaii and getting as much sun as he can handle. I'm slightly jealous. I had an opportunity to go to Hawaii, but was shot down by my dad who has no desire whatsoever to visit that state. I, on the other hand, would love to just see what it's all about. But then again, you're talking to the girl who wants to go practically everywhere there is to go. I told M to bring me back an awesome gift. He told me he was going to get me a coconut bra! I told him that if he did that, he's the one that would be wearing it.

I'm much better today in terms of being sick. I KO'ed yesterday for a couple hours and then went to bed ridiculously early for a college student last night. Turns out that was exactly what I needed for my body to decide that it wanted to be on the mend. Today I have a bit of a stomach ache - but it's really nothing I can't handle. I'm just glad that I can breathe through my nose today.

Today is also mine and M's 3 month aniversary. We don't ever really celebrate aniversaries like some couples do. I think it's not that big of a deal. Now maybe a 6 month or a year long aniversary - perhaps something in recognition of those milestones. But then again, I don't really know if I care all that much. I'm not that big on gifts except for Birthdays, Christmas and a very few other occasions. Gifts for no reason at all - I don't know how to deal with that. Then I feel like it's my duty to get them something also and sometimes I just don't know what they would want! It's something I'd rather not confront. And if you understand what I mean here, kudos to you because I'm not sure even I understand what I just said. But on the other hand, I know what I mean, so deal.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday. This fact bugs me a bit because it feels like it should be somewhere farther in the week. Perhaps Thursday. Thursday would be good. That would mean the week is almost over and I wouldn't have Comm class to throw off my lazy schedule. Also I would be done with math for the week. Speaking of which, I have to do my math homework tonight - something I'm definitely NOT looking forward to - but something that alas, MUST be done. *sigh*

Anyway, I feel that I've rambled on enough here because most of you don't really care that much anyway. I did have a whole blog written out while I was between classes today, but perhaps I will post that tomorrow. I had a really epic quote at the end, but I don't want to ruin anything. So I guess you just have to stay tuned to find out what I'm going to say! Okay, so to be honest it's probably not that interesting, but hey! I try to keep myself entertained and if I manage to entertain you as well, well then go me!

Exercise of the Mind

Lately I've been thinking of the future. What's it going to be like? What am I going to be like? Will M still be there? I know that I don't need to get caught up in the future because then I lose the importance of the now, but still - it's not bad to wonder.

I remember in one of my high school classes we did a visual exercise to help us 'see' what we thought our future would be like. We all put our heads down on our desk and closed our eyes. Then the instructor told us to visual everything she said.

"It's ten years from now. You wake up in a bed. Who is beside you? Is anyone beside you? What do they look like, who are they?

"You get out of bed and go into the bathroom. What do you look like? What does the bathroom look like? You do your bathroom routine and head to the kitchen for breakfast.

"Has the person in the bed made breakfast for you? Do you have to make your own breakfast? Are you even going to eat breakfast? What does your kitchen look like? What does your kitchen table look like? Is there an animal that you have to feed as well?

"Breakfast over, you are ready to leave for work. You head out the door to your car. What does your car look like? You look back at your house - or your apartment maybe. What does it look like? What happens to the person you woke up next to? Do they have to go to work too?

"You drive down the street to where you work. Where do you work? Who do you work with? What do you do? Do you like it?

"Work is over, you head back home. Does your significant other meet you there? Is dinner already made? Is it even dinner time? Do you have to order something for take out or are you going to make your own dinner? Do you go to bed right away because you're tired or do you stay up for a couple more hours?

"Open your eyes. What did you see?"

Reasons I Hate Math #6

Reason #6: It causes insomnia.

Week 7 - Black And White

Week #7 for I Heart Faces! This weeks theme is black and white, so here are my entries! Enjoy :-)



My children's entry:

This is my brother in our back yard. I was bored one day with the camera, and this is what I captured.

My Adults Entry:

This is my friend Jeff. I took his senior pictures and this is one of my favorites.



So go to here: http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/ and see the other entries for the week. I assure you they are always interesting.

Lessons Worth Learning

Being Thankful.

I'm Thankful for::

Jesus being the savior of my life!

without him I am nothing

My Parents!

they raised me right

M!

the boy who has my heart and will keep it safe no matter what

The sun in the sky!

it brightens my day and tans my skin

Friends!

K, B and A and all my friends in Hayden. without you all, i would be lost.

Holding my dad's hand!

he keeps me safe and he's always there for me

My Oma!

the gift of writing is a common bond, i'm glad you're my soul mate

Miles and Brenda!

two very influencial people in my life and faith in Christ

Hugging my mother!

she's a soft place to land when the world is too hard for my fragile state of crazy

Personal space!

i like people, but i don't like them that much

The future!

it's always there - a ray of hope when the present looks dim

The past!

the memories are fond, the family is good and it helps shape me for the future

Independence!

breaking the mold and being 'on my own' helps me ready myself for the day when i can no longer fall back on my parents for everything

Eyes!
so i can see the world around me in its beautiful colors

Ears!
so i can hear the sweet voices of those who care about me

Hugs!

they're healthy. they're reassuring. they're always welcome.

Dinner!

sharing a meal with family and friends - it shows that it helps your state of mind and the bond you share with other people

Traveling!

seeing other parts of the world makes me love this Earth that God created for us

Laughter!

because sometimes you just have to smile at the absurdity of how crazy your life is

Pictures!

what better way to remember, than to be visually stimulated?

Art!

it alows people to express how they feel about everything

Music!

pleasing the ears and relaxing to the mind. unless its loud and screaming - then you're just angry

Kisses!

when a simple hug just doesn't cut it

Dogs!

the cliche says they are man's best friend. but i just think they're cute.

Children!

because their minds are simple and uncomplicated when we get too wrapped up in the bigger issues of life

Life

without it, i wouldn't be here

Reasons I Hate Math #5

Reason #5: If math is logical and real, why are there imaginary numbers? Because it goes back to rule #4 - it's always a trick.

Reasons I Hate Math #4

Reason #4: It's always a trick.

Fix It Friday 3

Friday is here again! And that means it's time for Fix It Friday! My favorite! Here is the photo for the day - WonderGirl. Below is the orginal photo - which was really fun to fix up this morning.

The Original

The 1st Edit

The 2nd Edit



The 3rd Edit

You should definitely go over to http://www.iheartfaces.blogspot.com/ and check out the other edits that people have made to the photo. I really had fun with this one this week. I think it's my favorite so far.

Reasons I Hate Math #3

Reason #3: I am a self declared math athiest.

Reflections

Isn't it sad when people you know become people you knew? How when you run into them a couple years later, they pretend at first that they didn't see you? And then they just make up some rather dumb small talk that no one on Earth cares about and has nothing to do with what either of you are thinking?

I saw T with what I'm guessing is his girlfriend this morning on my way to 8:00 class. I had just said bye to D and turned around to see T's tall frame next to a pretty brunette short girl. He was holding her hand and then made a joke as if to push her into the street, but pulled her back to him. He looked at me, and then looked back and let go of the girl.

"Fine, don't say hi. I see how it is," I remarked, trying to make light of what I was feeling inside.

"Oh," he says, as though he hasn't seen me standing there. "How are you?"

"Cold," I answer. The ground is covered in frost, the sun is shining, but the buildings are casting enormous shadows over the frozen ground, and it's just about 7:45 in the morning. No shocker that it's cold outside.

"Well," he starts, but that's all I hear because then he just mumbles something incoherrant that sounds sort of like 'yes it is cold, it's the morning.' As to which I answer with an "It's true" and walk away. Funny how when he was talking to me he put the girl aside. Funny how it seems he doesn't want to have anything to really do with me anymore.

Two years ago we were pretty involved in each other's lives. But then he graduated from high school and left us all behind - he left me behind. I missed T terribly at first, but gradually I got over it. And now, this episode today, along with other before it, has shown me just how much I don't need him. I was a part of his life, and when he left he didn't try to keep me in it. As far as I'm concerned it's his loss. But I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to deal with how things just sort of fell apart between us. He doesn't seem to care all that much and so why should I?

Random Fact: People change. For better. For worse. For different. Change in inevitable - except from vending machines.

I Reserve The Right

To change my opinion whenever I want or feel like it is necessary.

To hate certain subjects in school.

To mess up.

To have bad hair days.

To do what I want to do when I want to do it.

To be wrong.

To be right.

To laugh at something that isn't really that funny.

To dance in the rain and get a horrendous cold afterward.

To just be myself.

I reserve the right to let myself be myself and not worry about whether it is or isn't correct. Because something is only right or wrong because someone else told you it was that way. Because society says so.

The sky is only blue because that is what you have been taught.

My pillow is only purple because it's the word society uses to describe the color of something.

I want to be funny. I want to be serious. I want to be heard. I want to be read. I would LOVE to have a post with 70 comments. 70 comments! Seriously? I really saw a blog the other day during my cyber wanderings that had 70 COMMENTS! WHO does that? Really. How do you become cool enough to have that many people feel the need to tell you something they thought? I'm jealous a little bit. But just a little bit.

I don't think my writing is particularly funny - I think I'm funnier...(more funny? what's grammitacally correct here...I got nothing...) in person. I mean, it's very rare that my own writing makes me laugh - well okay, to be completely honest here I have to say that it's just plain hard for writing in general to make me laugh out loud. Usually I just smile and sort of chuckle to myself. I think situational humor though is way funnier than a scripted line - tho I do enjoy my fair share of those.

Oh, also I'd like to know why it's a bad thing to laugh at your own joke? I suppose if you were the only one laughing in a room full of people tho - maybe that would be a little embarrassing. However, maybe the joke is really funny but you are the only one with an awesome enough sense of humor to understand it. Suppose it's just an airplane joke to everyone else. What a sad world they probably live it. How tragic.

Okay, I think I'm done with my rambling. This post is a little random...and I'd apologize sincerely, but I'm not really sorry. I also am reserving the right to be spontaneous and random and my epic self. Because I am epic, darn it!!

Random Fact: Poppies are my favorite flower, but lillies are just as good. Tiger lillies are even better. My mom likes Carnations and K thinks roses are overrated. Me personally - I've only ever been given a rose twice and therefore K and I disagree on the overrated "fact" because I think they are special. I suppose though that the specialness relies more on the situation and less on the flower.

Reasons I Hate Math #2

Reason #2: It's immoral.

Reasons I Hate Math #1

Reason #1: It never makes sense.

My Boring Life

It's not about how long its been since you've last seen someone. It's not about how many hours have gone by since you last talked with them. It's about that moment, that space in time, when you are doing something that reminds you of them and makes you miss them all over again. It's knowing that you were just with them, but now they are just out of reach. It's those little moments that make your heart wrench.

It's when I have to make a big decision and I don't know what to do that I miss my mom. Sometimes her ideas make me roll my eyes because "I am NOT going to do that!" But I generally end up doing it anyway because it's what I fall back on.

It's when I am reminded of something that my dad likes and I wish he could have been there to share the moment with me. Or to have him there to make a snide remark that makes me laugh. I love when he sends me emails because he's funnier than he knows and when I'm having an off day he can always brighten it.

It's when I think about all the awesome stories I've heard about my grandpa in his younger years that make me wish I could have been there to experience what he was like pre-parkinson's disease. He is still alive, but he is not my grandpa - he just a man who look like my grandpa and lives with my grandma.

It's when I see a picture of people I know with what they are doing know that makes me wish I could have been there to enjoy the moment with them. It's also those same pictures that make me feel a twinge of replacement - like they don't miss me as much as I miss them. It's also those same pictures that remind me I never really belonged there.

It's when I'm angry with K for some stupid reason and I can't get away that I wish M could be here and hug me. It's when I think about how long it will be until I get to see him again that makes it even worse. It's when I get excited and I want to share really good news with the people that I love that I miss so many of my family members.

The smell of fresh baked apple pie reminds me of my mother. A good thunder storm reminds me of my childhood. Snow falling on the frozen ground and big blue diesel trucks remind me of my dad. Fresh cut grass and light breezes on warm summer days make me feel like I'm six again. The smell of dried sweat, dust, and musk deodorant take me back to memories of when I was little and Dad would come home from work because that's how he always smelled. And the smell of salt water and cigarette smoke will always make me sick because of that awesome salmon fishing experience in Washington where everyone on that charter boat hurled his cookies at some point during the trip.

It's when those old shows are on TV in reruns for the 80th time. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Zaboomafoo. Zoom. Arthur. Loony Toons. 1 Saturday Morning - when it was actually worth watching. PepperAnne. Doug.

It's puting in the movies that I grew up watching. 101 Dalmations. "Play it again, Mommy, play it again." Sound of Music. White Christmas. The Lion King.

It's seeing pictures of the past. When I was a baby. My parents before I was born. My dad's blonde afro in his wedding pictures.

All this makes up our life. All this shapes our future. Everything we have gone through has made us who we are today. Regrets? There will always be the 'what if' factor, it will never go away. But God has a plan - he always has a plan. And even if we mess it up, he's got plan B, plan C and plan Z to fix our mistakes - because how can you screw up what God has set in motion?I was feeling nostalgic today. Hope you enjoyed taking your own walk down memory lane.

Random Fact: Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is incurable and always fatal.

Week 6 - Wonder

So this week's catagory is Wonder. And to be completely honest, I had a tough time choosing pictures that I thought conveyed wonder. But I think that I did okay with these pictures. They are some of my favorites.

My Child entry:

This is a picture of my brother in southern Utah on a family vacation last summer. I think this is one of my favorite pictures of him. He photographs really well in my opinion...at least when he decides to keep his eyes open for the picture!

My adult entry: This is a picture of my friend from high school. She is an interesting person with a lot of problems in her life. I think this picture sort of lets you see some of the hurt she's covering up - you just have to look into her eyes.

So anyway, you should all head over to the I Heart Faces blog (http://www.iheartfaces.blogspot.com/) and see what other pictures people have posted for their entries. I've noticed that quite a few pictures have to deal with babies. Babies are full of wonder.

Good Saturdays

Okay! So, best part of my day so far is finding out that one of my photos took 7th place on the I Heart Faces blog for week 5!! Go here to see the other winners: http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/2008/01/week-5-top-ten-adults.html

Also I went skiing today with my dad and my brother. We were up at Schweitzer, which isn't my favorite mountain, but the boys like it. Anyway, I was doing okay, but I'm far slower than my male counterparts and thus I was left in the powder plenty of times today. Nevertheless I still had a good time.

By lunch time I was finished boarding for the day, so my dad and brother went back out to make a few more runs before we decided to head back. Well, I guess my dad decided to try and follow my brother through the trees. J had no idea that Dad was back there and took some tricky turns through the tree cover. (Oh my gosh, can you say alliteration?) Anyway, Dad gave up trying to follow J and made his own pattern. But that involved grabbing a tree to slow himself down for a corner. He made the corner, but shortly thereafter something misfired and he slammed against a tree in the rib area. I don't know the whole story, but it involves him laying on the ground, head downhill on his side. How very entertaining.

I also snapped a picture of J sleeping on the ride home. But according to him, "I don't sleep on the ride home. I simply blink and half the trip is over." But we all know he was out like a light! (Okay, okay, so that's a little cliche, but you get the meaning.)

Anyway, I hope you all are having an awesome Valentine's Day, even though I think it's the most worthless commercial holiday on record. :-)

Fix It Friday 2

It's Friday and that means it's time for another photo editing session! I think to be honest I liked last week's picture better, but this one was still fun. I did all three edits in about fifteen minutes...and I like them well enough. I don't know though, I just wasn't really feeling it today. Let me know what you think about them!

The Original

The Color Edit

The Black And White Edit

The Sepia Tone Edit

Death In The Family

Some people go into shock. Some people cry their eyes out. Others react in a multitude of different ways. But no one is unaffected. A death in the family touches everyone, even when the one who passes is the family dog.

My roommate K has just found out that her beloved pet has passed on from this world and into the next. She reacted with tears. I had locked the dorm door because I was in the shower, so when I opened the door to hear the commotion out in our hallway, there stood my tear streaked cheek faced best friend roommate. I know something is wrong, but I don't know what.

"My dog died," she says. Then the tips of her mouth curve a little upward, as if she is joking. Which in reality is not out of the realm of possibilities with her personality. So I kind of smile and half laugh. Her hands grasp my shoulders firmly. "I'm serious," she says. The word what bursts from my mouth a few times as she rounds the corner and shuts herself in the bathroom. I'm a little upset for her. How do I console her? What do I do? Is it okay to ask her about it? What do I say? How do I not make this worse?

Eventually she frees herself from the confines of our tiny dorm bathroom and comes back into our side of the dorm. She is still crying, and her whole body shudders with emotion. I don't really know what to do. What kind of a best friend am I? She fiddles with a sweatshirt on the back of her little blue chair and becomes slightly frustrated. Quickly, I wrap my arms around her for a few seconds, a little self conciously, but she is my best friend - I can't just stand there and do nothing. I let go of her and she kind of sighs a little bit and goes to sit on her bed.

"They don't really know what happened," she volunteers, her voice crackly like what's typical of someone who's been crying. All phlemy and tear soaked words. "She was looking skinny and this morning she just didn't come out of the dog house, and they just found her dead." She gives way to tears again and her body just crumples up. K pulls a blanket over her head to try and wipe some of her tears away. My heart breaks for her. I ask if there's anything I can do, but she tells me no; she's just upset. She lays down on her bed, and pulls the blanket so that it completely covers her from head to toe. I tell her I'm going to Late Nite because I didn't get dinner and then I ask if she'll be okay. She tells me yes and so I leave, a little hesitantly. I would have stayed, but my stomach was loudly protesting.

Down at Late Nite I see B, because that's where she works. I catch her eye and she comes over to me, holding a stack of multicolored bowls. "I have bad news," I say, "K's dog died." B tells me that she already knows this. Inside I'm slightly taken aback. K is my best friend. If my dog had died she would have been the first person I told. What kind of best friend am I? Obviously not a good one. I don't even know how to console a crying friend. B says she offered to take off work to stay with K, but K declined. I'm stung a little, but then I feel selfish about being hurt that I'm not the first one she told. Is it right for me to be hurt by that?

I come back to the dorm and find K out from her cover and watching the tele. I'm guessing that mindlessly watching TV is distracting to take her mind off the fact that Tessa is dead. I'm just sitting here, blogging about it, and not really sure of how to help my friend. To be honest though, there's not really room for two of us on one bed, at least not comfortably. To be comfortable you have to spoon and because K and I look like we do, I would be the little spoon, and how is that comforting to her?

I have no words to tell her. No magic sentence that will stop her hurting. I have no insight into this situation. The only time I remember that is slightly relatable to this one is when my very first dog died. It's not even fair to call him mine - he was my dad's dog. That's the first time I ever saw my dad cry. But we don't focus on that part, we just remember the happier days with that dog. But everyone has to have time to mourn - and that is now for K. I'm just going to be here and do what I can to help her. Ask God for wisdom to say the right thing and when to keep my big mouth shut.

I still can't believe that Tessa is gone. I house sat for K on many occasions and I cared for that dog greatly. But my reaction is different than K's. I have yet to shed tears. I think about how would I feel if my dog died? I don't know if I would cry. That's not generally how I react to deaths. But then again, I haven't had that much experience with death.

Contessa "Tessa" aka Puddles

Those Of Us Who Pretend To Know Everything Annoy Those Of Us That Actually Do

We all have seen them. We've all been annoyed by them. Each of us has spent time rolling our eyes at their ridiculousness. The Know-It-Alls. The kids that are in every one of your classes that act out just to get the teachers attention. The ones that have to have an answer or an opinion on EVERYTHING. We've all experienced this, don't lie to yourself. Even when you are older, in your job there will always be people that you don't like.

In my English 102 class there is a little red headed girl with black rimmed glasses and big boobs who's mouth is open for every subject. She always has something to say, and mostly I find myself annoyed with every word out of her mouth. At the beginning of semester I thought she was quirky and interesting and somewhere along the way those feelings disappeared and were replaced with annoyance and intolerance. Her mouth opens and my ears shut.

In my CORE class there is one boy who I simply cannont stand. He is the same way, always opinionated and always asking dumb questions and trying to show that he knows a lot about the subject we are talking about - or at least just more than the rest of the class. He's the same way in my Psych class! Always asking questions and referring back to prior issues. Some may call him smart. Some may praise him for asking 'good' questions. I just think he is a stuck up snob and if I never had a class with him again I wouldn't mind.

I don't know where I was going with this post, other than to express my negative feelings towards these people who think they know everything and that makes them better than the rest of us, but there you have it.

And congrats to the blog on it's 50th post! Woohoo!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Girls

So yesterday me and the roommates went to Winco and then to Hastings. It's the first time all four of us have gone somewhere together that wasn't Bob's to eat in a while, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. While we were at Hastings, we found these AWESOME teenage mutant ninja turtles beenies. Think about it - four teenage mutant ninja turtles and four of us....are you seeing the correlation? So then we had to decide who was who.

K is obviously Raphael. Raphael is the bad boy, which is very much my dear friend and roommate K. She's the 'bad boy' of our group and is sarcastic and instense just like Raphael.

A is like Michelangelo in my opinion. Michelangelo is easy going and so is A. Plus, A's middle name is Michael, so that just fits.

B is Donatello. She's smart and uses her brains instead of her brawn, although she does fight when she has to and she's not scared to throw a few punches.

And me, well, I'm Leonardo. He's the leader and even though I'm the youngest, sometimes I feel like the one in charge. Plus he has a pair of katanas, which are just cool.

I totally would have bought the beenie except that it was $12 and I didn't feel like spending that much money. I'm a broke college student, cut me some slack! But the beenies did look awesome, and how sweet would that be? Four roommates with their own TMNT hats!

Well Worn Shoes

My fingers smell like hot wings. Little chicken wings. Or buffalo wings that just taste like chicken. But lunch didn't really taste all that good today. The wings would have been better if they had been hotter...but Bob's chefs aren't the most professional, although generally they do a good job. However, there are days where you fingers smell like your lunch and it's not all that appetizing.

I have a lot of shoes. I didn't used to, but somewhere along the way being a girl caught up to me. I have some dress shoes, sneakers, tennis shoes, slippers, flip flops.... I looked at my closet and couldn't believe how many pairs of shoes I had. I have even more in Hayden that I didn't bring with me! How did I end up being such a girl?

Random Fact: In Arizona, it's illegal to hunt camels.

I Heart Faces - Week 5

So I'm pretty much addicted to this new blog, http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/ and their weekly contests. It has become a way for me to show off my photography and see what other photographers are doing - amateur and professional. It's just awesome.

This week is silly, and my family is PRO at being silly. It's more of an art than a mistake. It's a natural reaction so much so that getting a NORMAL picture out of us is wierd! Enjoy :-)

My entry for the Kids catagory. My brother and sister down at the beach last autumn just being their regular goofy selves.


My entry for the adults catagory. My father and sister at White Fish for a family ski retreat. He can make some awesome faces for the camera.

There's Nothing I Love More...

Witty conversations, funny one lines, hysterical conversations. I eat it all up. Funny or Serious? Well, I'm going to go with funny. Things that make me laugh are going to keep my attention better than something that's serious and monotone. It's a simple fact, really. Like Ellen and Gladys - I love Jesus, but I drink a little.

Having a conversation with something and saying the best most wittiest one liner just cracks me up. Or talking about something completely ridiculous with someone else just makes my entire day that much better. Having a hysterical conversation with someone means I will be thinking about it all day.

An M and N IM convo:
M: Hiiiii :D
N: look who it is!
M: who?
N: i don't know. i don't actually see anyone.
M: shame. not even tyler?
(tyler is the stuffed bear that sleeps on my bed with me.)
N: he's being squished by a pillow at the moment, fighting for his life
M: awww, sad
N: the pillows are relentless. he doesn't have a chance
M: save him!
N: eh, i don't know. it's mildly entertaining
M: you're sick and twisted
N: what's new?

A: You're just mind lexdistic. So when you speak, it comes out right, but you're just thinking it wrong.

lexdistic = dislexic
As in, when life give you melons you know you're dislexic.

Just Trying To Survive

Not talking fixes nothing. But my problem is that I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to feel? How should I talk? What's going to fix this feeling? I have no answers. I hardly ever have answers. I was surprised that I had the answer to a math question that one of my friends asked me. I'm a fountain of useless information - but when it comes to something practical, like advice, I don't have anything to offer myself.

I know part of my issue is trying to figure it out on my own. Truth be told, I haven't really prayed about it either. This whole situation is just not a great one. I'm starting to feel ostracized because I don't know what to say to my parents, so I haven't called them. They haven't called me either though.

Stress is affecting me. I could feel it this morning when I had a stomach ache and didn't feel like getting out of bed. I could feel it all day when I just didn't feel like moving. I should have headed to the gym and ran for a few miles, but instead I just laid on my bed and watched the tele. I am ridiculous.

I know when this is all over, we'll have something to look back on and smile and laugh about. It'll be a source of teasing for my dad. It'll blow over. It's just a matter of doing what needs to be done to get there. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.

Random Fact: The average person wastes 5 years of their life standing in line and 3 years waiting at red stop lights.

Fix It Friday

Before

After

On The I Heart Photography blog, this was the challenge for today - Fix It Friday. So naturally I couldn't resist.

Call To Share

Life Re-Written - a blog full of stories. Follow it! I dare you!

http://liferewritten-n.blogspot.com/

The Illusion of Perfection

Strength. Weakness. Imperfection. Issues. Selfishness. Immaturity. Caring. Misunderstood. With the best of intentions that didn't turn out so great.

Tears. Laughter. Heartbreak. Headache. Inconsiderate. Tolerant. Understanding. Chaotic. Unfortunate circumstances, like raining on someone who needs to see the sun.

Deception. Outrage. Disgrace. Shame. Love. Kindness. Affection. Gentle. Patience. Self-Control. We're not always all perfect all of the time.

I need room to screw up. I have to make a few mistakes. How do you become a better person if you don't totally mess something up a few times in your life? We can't all be experts. We can't all be perfect. We also can't all be expected to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. We're going to fail. We're going to fall. I'm going make such a mess of something that I'll be cleaning it up for days afterward.

Independence. It's something that I want. It's something that I'm not really all that sure how to obtain. If I want more freedom, then I have to take on more responsiblity. Well I have a pretty big list of responsibilities here in Moscow where I live. I'm responsible for helping to keep the dorm clean. I'm responsible for getting my homework done. I'm responsible for making sure that I get to class on time. I'm responsible for making sure that I eat. When I go back to my parents house, my responsibilities change. I have to help out around the house, clean up other people's messes, clean up my own messes. Helping with the dishes is a big one. To show that I'm an adult I should be doing things without being asked - like tossing a load of laundry in the washer so my mom doesn't have to do it later.


Trust. Now there's something I feel like I don't have much of. Reguardless of how the past weekend went, I still don't feel very trusted. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because since I've moved out of the house my mindset has changed a bit. I think I'm experiencing that "I'm in college now so you can't really tell me what to do" phase in my life. I try to keep my parents in on most things that I do. It's not like I hide things from them intentionally. But lately our relationship has been strained, I feel like.


I used to brag about how good a relationship I had with my parents. And I still do have a good relationship with them, I think. I just really want to be my own person, and the way I'm going about doing that isn't the best way that I could be doing it. But I'm in a different environment, I'm not living at home, and I guess I'm having trouble adjusting. Not to school, school isn't hard, but to a different way of life. I thought for sure if anyone could understand what I was going through it would be my dad - but he's on the other end of the spectrum. He's now the parent and not the child. The understanding that I thought I was going to get from him, somehow just isn't where I thought it would be.


Perfection is an image I have chased for the better part of my life so far. In gymnastics it was all about perfection. Achieving that 10.0 score on an event was what we all wanted to do. In pole vault perfection was about getting verticle and making it over the highest bar to win the competition. In life, perfection was about being the good daughter who always did what she was told. I was never much good at that one, even though sometimes I wanted to be.


My life has definitely NOT sucked. I feel really blessed to be living the life that I am. But to be completely honest there are parts of my life that really aren't all that great - as I'm sure everyone has experienced. Things could always be better. I've disappointed my parents, I've let them down in a way that I haven't before. Sorry is too simple for this kind of issue. And I don't know what else to do, being so far from them. Life doesn't come with a manual that says "when this happens - do this and say this." We all have to figure out everything on our own. We have to find what works and what doesn't work. It seems I'm a lot better at finding the wrong buttons to press and finding out just what exactly does not work. That saying 'it's hit and miss'? Well, I'm more miss and less hit.

This adventure that I'm on - this journey to wherever I'm going, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm not the smartest crayon in the lightbulb and some days I very well need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines, but I'm not stupid. Sometimes I don't make the best decisions, but how am I going to learn if I don't screw something up once in a while? So I'm sorry I'm such a mess up sometimes. I'm not perfect. I never have been perfect. At anything. I'm a selfish brat who's ungrateful for the good things that have happened in my life and even though that's not true, when I make a big mistake and fall flat on my face, that's how my parents make me feel. I know they love me and they want the best for me, but can't I make mistakes? Why do I have to be so perfect all the time? I have enough to worry about already.


I've had so many adult experiences already in my life. I've dealt with some things that I never thought imaginable. And then I go to spend one weekend of my life without telling my parents what I was doing and suddenly I'm six years old again and I'm sitting in the time out corner after a spanking. I'm just tired of this yo-yo adulthood that surrounds my 'reality.' I'm tired of being allowed to live down in Moscow and make my own decisions and then go back home and feel like everything I do is judged by someone and one slip up causes the whole building to crash down on top me. I don't know how balance what seems like two different lives.


Ungrateful? No. Selfish? Sometimes. Myself? Always. I'm just exsisting in a weird spot. I'm not yet on my own completely and I'm not totally under my parents' wings anymore. And this is just life. And I am just learning. And life just isn't the best right now.

One man who has loved me unconditionally for the entirety of my life. Through thick and thin and through my not so lovely moments. Some days he couldn't stand me. Some days he just wanted to be with me. I've disappointed him, I've let him down, I've been annoying and disrespectful. But he always loves me even when I feel like he doesn't.

Random Fact: In Kansas, it's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands.

A Hobby To Shoot For

I have so many passions in life, so many interests. Writing, photography, drawing. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do with my life for a long time - but now that I'm majoring in dietetics, am I in the wrong thing? I don't think so. Here's how I see it - dietetics is a career. Being an author, an artist and a photographer is just a hobby. They are awesome hobbies.

My parents on Christmas Eve.

A collage I put together in a couple of minutes. Just a few samples of different pictures I've taken over the years. I love taking pictures. I love drawing. I love writing. Ha, ha. I'm just a girl with many interests and I love it!

I Heart Faces - The Eyes Have It

I just heard about this, and thought that I have a great picture for it. So here I am, entering this contest for the first time and wondering if anything will come of it... ha, ha.

My entry for the adults catagory.

So What? So I've Got A Smile On

Everyone has it. Everyone makes it. Everyone learns about it. Not everyone learns from it. Great things have been achieved in it. Not so great things have also happened in it. It's caused revelations. It's been celebrated. It's been recorded in books, on cave walls, in minds and in hearts. History.

My history is not the same as your history. The way we percieve history is different too. Two people can have the same experience, but they will each remember it differently. Does this mean the history is different? No. Both parties are correct because that's the history that happened to them. The exception to this rule would be if you were clinically insane. Ha, ha. But that's really besides the point.

I was born in California. When you live in Idaho, that's really not the greatest thing to say. No offense to California, really. The Californians that move up here have placed a terrible stereotype in the minds of Idahoans. It's true. We think you are a bunch of crazy drivers who like to party and even though you left California, really the only thing you've changed in your life is the weather. It's annoying. We've been here burning fields and driving like sane people long before you arrived. So don't go pretending that you're not trying to change Idaho, because it's already happened. The only thing missing is palm trees.

I was raised in Hayden, Idaho. I'm a small town girl. I get lost in big cities, I'd rather learn to drive a tractor than how to ride the subway system. I'd rather ride a horse than a limo. I wear jeans, tee shirts and ball caps. I like boots. The smell of sweat doesn't bug me. The smell of mountain air and dusty trails gives me peace of mind. Laying in a field of grass on a sunny day with a slight breeze surrounded by my best friends - perfect.

I have two brothers. I make better friends with boys than with girls. I think that life is too full drama. I use music as a way to escape. I love stories. I love dance. All of these things, these likes and these dislikes, they are a part of my past, a part of my history, and they are what has made me myself. They have helped shape me as a person and they help me learn how to plan for my future. Looking at the past helps you to know how you will react in the future. Looking at the past can also help explain why you have reacted the way you have to a certain event in your life. It's crazy how much we can learn from the past.

My idea of the perfect life? One that's not too complicated and not too fancy. A little fluff isn't bad. Like a big house. I like big houses. A big house on a nice piece of property. With a stable. With a horse. Surrounded by family. A fireplace is important. It's the center of a home. I remember when I was younger, my brother and I would come inside from playing out in the snow and warm ourselves by the fire. I have great memories of childhood - and eve though I'm still young, I consider my 'childhood' as pretty much over. I'm moved out of the house, and I make my own decisions for the most part. How much of a child am I? But I'm reluctant to say goodbye to my childhood because I don't feel very old, or like I'm old enough to say that's gone. But is it really still here?

The Picture Of the Day:

A girl that I have history with. She's one of my best friends. We've been through plenty of tough times together. And by plenty I mean it takes both hands to count how many times we've thought the world was ending, only to find out that looking back it was pretty insignificant. We've both grown up a lot and changed in several different ways. But I will always love her. Always. Friendship defines history.

Random Fact: The highest lifetime yield of milk for a single cow is 55, 849 gallons.