Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Illusion of Perfection

Strength. Weakness. Imperfection. Issues. Selfishness. Immaturity. Caring. Misunderstood. With the best of intentions that didn't turn out so great.

Tears. Laughter. Heartbreak. Headache. Inconsiderate. Tolerant. Understanding. Chaotic. Unfortunate circumstances, like raining on someone who needs to see the sun.

Deception. Outrage. Disgrace. Shame. Love. Kindness. Affection. Gentle. Patience. Self-Control. We're not always all perfect all of the time.

I need room to screw up. I have to make a few mistakes. How do you become a better person if you don't totally mess something up a few times in your life? We can't all be experts. We can't all be perfect. We also can't all be expected to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. We're going to fail. We're going to fall. I'm going make such a mess of something that I'll be cleaning it up for days afterward.

Independence. It's something that I want. It's something that I'm not really all that sure how to obtain. If I want more freedom, then I have to take on more responsiblity. Well I have a pretty big list of responsibilities here in Moscow where I live. I'm responsible for helping to keep the dorm clean. I'm responsible for getting my homework done. I'm responsible for making sure that I get to class on time. I'm responsible for making sure that I eat. When I go back to my parents house, my responsibilities change. I have to help out around the house, clean up other people's messes, clean up my own messes. Helping with the dishes is a big one. To show that I'm an adult I should be doing things without being asked - like tossing a load of laundry in the washer so my mom doesn't have to do it later.

Trust. Now there's something I feel like I don't have much of. Reguardless of how the past weekend went, I still don't feel very trusted. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because since I've moved out of the house my mindset has changed a bit. I think I'm experiencing that "I'm in college now so you can't really tell me what to do" phase in my life. I try to keep my parents in on most things that I do. It's not like I hide things from them intentionally. But lately our relationship has been strained, I feel like.

I used to brag about how good a relationship I had with my parents. And I still do have a good relationship with them, I think. I just really want to be my own person, and the way I'm going about doing that isn't the best way that I could be doing it. But I'm in a different environment, I'm not living at home, and I guess I'm having trouble adjusting. Not to school, school isn't hard, but to a different way of life. I thought for sure if anyone could understand what I was going through it would be my dad - but he's on the other end of the spectrum. He's now the parent and not the child. The understanding that I thought I was going to get from him, somehow just isn't where I thought it would be.

Perfection is an image I have chased for the better part of my life so far. In gymnastics it was all about perfection. Achieving that 10.0 score on an event was what we all wanted to do. In pole vault perfection was about getting verticle and making it over the highest bar to win the competition. In life, perfection was about being the good daughter who always did what she was told. I was never much good at that one, even though sometimes I wanted to be.

My life has definitely NOT sucked. I feel really blessed to be living the life that I am. But to be completely honest there are parts of my life that really aren't all that great - as I'm sure everyone has experienced. Things could always be better. I've disappointed my parents, I've let them down in a way that I haven't before. Sorry is too simple for this kind of issue. And I don't know what else to do, being so far from them. Life doesn't come with a manual that says "when this happens - do this and say this." We all have to figure out everything on our own. We have to find what works and what doesn't work. It seems I'm a lot better at finding the wrong buttons to press and finding out just what exactly does not work. That saying 'it's hit and miss'? Well, I'm more miss and less hit.

This adventure that I'm on - this journey to wherever I'm going, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm not the smartest crayon in the lightbulb and some days I very well need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines, but I'm not stupid. Sometimes I don't make the best decisions, but how am I going to learn if I don't screw something up once in a while? So I'm sorry I'm such a mess up sometimes. I'm not perfect. I never have been perfect. At anything. I'm a selfish brat who's ungrateful for the good things that have happened in my life and even though that's not true, when I make a big mistake and fall flat on my face, that's how my parents make me feel. I know they love me and they want the best for me, but can't I make mistakes? Why do I have to be so perfect all the time? I have enough to worry about already.

I've had so many adult experiences already in my life. I've dealt with some things that I never thought imaginable. And then I go to spend one weekend of my life without telling my parents what I was doing and suddenly I'm six years old again and I'm sitting in the time out corner after a spanking. I'm just tired of this yo-yo adulthood that surrounds my 'reality.' I'm tired of being allowed to live down in Moscow and make my own decisions and then go back home and feel like everything I do is judged by someone and one slip up causes the whole building to crash down on top me. I don't know how balance what seems like two different lives.

Ungrateful? No. Selfish? Sometimes. Myself? Always. I'm just exsisting in a weird spot. I'm not yet on my own completely and I'm not totally under my parents' wings anymore. And this is just life. And I am just learning. And life just isn't the best right now.

One man who has loved me unconditionally for the entirety of my life. Through thick and thin and through my not so lovely moments. Some days he couldn't stand me. Some days he just wanted to be with me. I've disappointed him, I've let him down, I've been annoying and disrespectful. But he always loves me even when I feel like he doesn't.

Random Fact: In Kansas, it's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands.

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