It's not about how long its been since you've last seen someone. It's not about how many hours have gone by since you last talked with them. It's about that moment, that space in time, when you are doing something that reminds you of them and makes you miss them all over again. It's knowing that you were just with them, but now they are just out of reach. It's those little moments that make your heart wrench.
It's when I have to make a big decision and I don't know what to do that I miss my mom. Sometimes her ideas make me roll my eyes because "I am NOT going to do that!" But I generally end up doing it anyway because it's what I fall back on.
It's when I am reminded of something that my dad likes and I wish he could have been there to share the moment with me. Or to have him there to make a snide remark that makes me laugh. I love when he sends me emails because he's funnier than he knows and when I'm having an off day he can always brighten it.
It's when I think about all the awesome stories I've heard about my grandpa in his younger years that make me wish I could have been there to experience what he was like pre-parkinson's disease. He is still alive, but he is not my grandpa - he just a man who look like my grandpa and lives with my grandma.
It's when I see a picture of people I know with what they are doing know that makes me wish I could have been there to enjoy the moment with them. It's also those same pictures that make me feel a twinge of replacement - like they don't miss me as much as I miss them. It's also those same pictures that remind me I never really belonged there.
It's when I'm angry with K for some stupid reason and I can't get away that I wish M could be here and hug me. It's when I think about how long it will be until I get to see him again that makes it even worse. It's when I get excited and I want to share really good news with the people that I love that I miss so many of my family members.
The smell of fresh baked apple pie reminds me of my mother. A good thunder storm reminds me of my childhood. Snow falling on the frozen ground and big blue diesel trucks remind me of my dad. Fresh cut grass and light breezes on warm summer days make me feel like I'm six again. The smell of dried sweat, dust, and musk deodorant take me back to memories of when I was little and Dad would come home from work because that's how he always smelled. And the smell of salt water and cigarette smoke will always make me sick because of that awesome salmon fishing experience in Washington where everyone on that charter boat hurled his cookies at some point during the trip.
It's when those old shows are on TV in reruns for the 80th time. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Zaboomafoo. Zoom. Arthur. Loony Toons. 1 Saturday Morning - when it was actually worth watching. PepperAnne. Doug.
It's puting in the movies that I grew up watching. 101 Dalmations. "Play it again, Mommy, play it again." Sound of Music. White Christmas. The Lion King.
It's seeing pictures of the past. When I was a baby. My parents before I was born. My dad's blonde afro in his wedding pictures.
All this makes up our life. All this shapes our future. Everything we have gone through has made us who we are today. Regrets? There will always be the 'what if' factor, it will never go away. But God has a plan - he always has a plan. And even if we mess it up, he's got plan B, plan C and plan Z to fix our mistakes - because how can you screw up what God has set in motion?I was feeling nostalgic today. Hope you enjoyed taking your own walk down memory lane.
Random Fact: Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is incurable and always fatal.