I want so much to just be witty and funny all the time. I like to make people laugh. I like to be interesting. I never want to be exactly the same - but I don't ever want to be terribly different. I realize though, that I am slightly contradictory to myself. I think hypocrite is entirely the wrong word - though I KNOW I have my moments, as does everyone.
I fully believe that I am slightly narcissistic or however that word is spelled. Somewhere deep inside me I want to know that I make a difference in people's lives. That if I suddenly disappeared people would miss me. I don't know exactly why, but I've always wanted to be the girl that could wrap the old man around her tiny little finger and make even the most crusty old guy smile when I walked into the room. Probably because old men fascinate me. And I don't mean in a gold digger sense. Ew. Sick. Gross. I'm talking old men like grandfathers. Mostly because they always have interesting stories and interesting pasts and their sense of humor is generally off the charts. The movie Return To Me with Minnie Driver? The old men in that movie are the best!
I suppose this is part of the reason I feel so cheated when it comes to my dad's dad. My grandpa was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease I believe soon after my parents started dating or got married. I don't remember - clearly because I wasn't born yet. Or even thought of. But I know that man has a totally interesting past. I've heard bits and pieces of it - but because of when I came along and how fast his disease has progessed, I've never really got to know him. He's still around, but you can't hardly understand a word he says and that's not his fault at all. But see, then I have my mom's dad on the other side. And he is mostly healthy with just a few old person health issues that come with age. But I don't see him hardly ever. I see my mom's parents WAY more than I see my dad's parents - but it's just not the same. I love them, I really do, but I haven't spent near enough time with them. Ever.
But these aspirations or whatever you want to call them, I don't feel like they will ever come true. I am just me and as special as I am, I don't feel like it's at all impossible to find someone else who is exactly like me. Someone else who is a little better, a little skinnier, a little funnier, a little more unforgettable. To be irriplaceable, one must always be different.
I know there are people out there who love me, and plenty of people would miss me if I ever left - but this knowlege doesn't really change my thoughts on the subject. Whatever. Life is life and I'm here and I'm now and you can't get rid of me. I'm like a bad penny - here forever! Or at least until God calls me home, which hopefully shouldn't be for a long, long time.