Friday, February 27, 2009

Mixed Feelings

I can't sleep. I need someone to talk to, but I have no one here - well, no human anyhow. There is God. There is always God. My problem is the flesh in me wanting someone to talk to who will talk back and has arms that will just hold me. I'm not going to lie here - I'm having some issues with talking to God lately. I have so much desire to just be a good obedient child and yet I still feel like I'm not trying all that hard to act like one.

I feel like throwing up. I feel like I have lost/am in the process of losing my best friend. I remember the first night Belle and I spent in the dorm room. It was a thursday night in August and it was a whole new experience. I felt like a giddy middle schooler at a sleepover she'd just begged her parents to allow her to attend. I LOVED it. And then some drama happened that made college not so fun - but Belle and I pushed on together.

Living with Belle has it's ups and it's downs. And lately it's had more downs than ups - which is incredably unfortunate. I'm tired of living here. I'm done dealing with the daily drama that is her life. I'm sick of taking second fiddle to what I feel is her selfish nature. And that right there makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be more willing to compromise. But seriously? We do whatever she wants to do. If I'm doing homework and she wants to watch the tele, she turns the TV on. "I'll keep it low," she promises. But it's always distracting. Always. I'm thankful for when she isn't here, because that means I get some quiet and I get to get some things done without having to cater to her every need or listen to her every conversation.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to want something for myself. Generally speaking I've given up wanting certain things because I know I'll never get them and as a consequence I rarely get my hopes up for just about anything. I'm kind of pessemistic a lot of the time. And so then when I have to listen to the tele because my all too self absorbed roommate is hell bent on seeing just who gets voted off of For The Love of RayJ, I wonder if it's alright that I hate this. Am I allowed to speak out and say no? Because I've tried that before and then she makes me feel bad about not wanting the TV on. I don't know how to win. I don't know if I'm allowed to win. It's HER television set, can I say no? Because honestly, I don't feel like this is my room too. I feel like I'm a major inconvenience in her everyday life and I just annoy her when she wants to do something that I don't want to do. And then I end up venting about her to Prince Charming which is not at all fair to him. I don't know what to do.

Hardly anyone in our hall actually likes her. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she is not always nice. I mean, they all tolerate her and think that she is occasionally funny, but as a general rule they don't often associate with her unless they need her to sew something or I am in the room also. She wonders why people like me better when they met her first. She actually told Zelda that she thinks I steal all her guy friends from her because once they meet me, they like me better. Now, I do NOT know if that is a true statement, but judging by what's happened in the hall - I would say it's because I'm not perverted, I'm not nasty and as a general rule I'm pretty sweet and innocent. Just ask any guy in our hall.

The fact that I am not perverted is another reason why I am so ready to not live with her anymore also. She ALWAYS is. It's disgusting. I can't say anything really without her finding some inuiendo mixed through my words. She's worse than any boy I know. It's disgusting. And her Beast is not much better. He also does a bunch of things I don't approve of (but what does my opinion matter to him? Or to Belle for that matter because for being my best friend she certainly doesn't care a whole heck of a lot what I think about things). I mean really, what am I to her? Chopped liver?

And for being such good friends all the way back in middle school - why is it so hard for us to communicate with each other? We are always bickering and fighting and being nit picky about dumb things. She doesn't know how to take out the trash, she's not that great at cleaning up after herself and she can really say things that are mean. I didn't know how much I didn't know about her. She is not the same person that I knew for all those years. She has changed. And that sounds so cliche to me because whenever a situation is different we blame it on the person. She, she, she. That's what I've been doing here because I'm so fed up with how things are going.

But I think I have changed too - in fact, I know I have changed. But I have changed in a different way than she has changed and now our two changed persons do not get along that great. What had previously worked so well has now become out dated, underrated, and over abused. The choices she makes for the reasons that she makes them are so far from the choices that I would have made had I been in some of her situations that it's outrageously uncanny. Looking at the past couple of months it's amazing to me that there was something that ever drew me in to being her friend.

Every now and again I see a glimpse of the girl that I love - the one who is caring and loving and kind and my friend. But then she is gone again - quick as she came - and she's back to being self absorbed, eyes for Beast and only Beast, brat. It hurts. I hurt. I cry. I can't sleep tonight because she's on my mind. I want to walk away, but I don't want to never look back. Because looking back right now, we have plenty of good and happy memories that lasted throughout our friendship. We have millions of inside jokes. We once had everything I thought I wanted in a friendship. But now? Now I have nothing. Now I'm just the girl she lives with. I'm just Cinderella and she has gone from Belle to the angry Stepmother. Where is my fairy godmother when I need one?

And I don't know where Prince Charming will fit into all of this. I only bring him up because he was Belle's friend first. She told me that he was her best guy friend and she could tell him anything. And then, would you look at that, I came along and 'stole' him. I think that if I ever totally walked away from Belle, that I would feel as though I'd have to give Prince back as well. Prince would disagree here with horrendous effort, which is to be understood because he loves me, but somethings I am just uncertain about. And it hurts most that I can't even talk to him because he is currently incommunicado.

Well, I think I have said all that I can think to say this morning. I had a good long chat with one of the guys in my hall in the middle of writing this which helped me out a ton as well. I just need a distraction. Laying here in bed by myself, my mind wanders an insane amount and I need to learn to reign it back in so that I can sleep. So now I think I shall turn in and let my mind wander off to dreamland and maybe Prince Charming will be in my dreams so that I can get a hug from him while I'm asleep.

1 comment:

  1. You are allowed to want something for yourself as much as you allow yourself that pleasure, or as little. It really is up to you. Sounds trite, but it is also true.


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