I made a quick trip home today. You see, I was up late last night because even though my eyeballs were tired, my brain most certainly was not. My mind was going a million miles an hour, so to quiet it down I watched Teen Mom season 2 online episode after episode after episode until my laptop turned itself off because it over heated. I whimpered a little bit, and then decided it was probably God telling me I should just go to bed.
And then I woke up at 9:30. I was the only one awake, and consequently decided to indulge myself in more Teen Mom while I waited for other people's eyes to open and greet the day. It was 12:30 before anyone texted me, and then I was having a conversation with Prince Charming which was just making me all sorts of upset and sad so I texted my mom.
"I want to come home :("
And she said "Then do it! ;)"
So I did.
I had to get out of Moscow. Everything there just reminds me of him. And based on some things that he's said to me these past couple of feeling-exploration-adventure days where you admit in all honesty how you are feeling to try and work through some of these crazy emotions, I was just missing him too terribly much to bear to go through a day where I shouldn't see him. Where I couldn't see him.
It would just be easier if I could continue my schooling here at home, but none of my classes are online and therefore I must physically be present on campus to get stuff done for school. Major bummer at the moment.
But teary eyed and heaving sighs, I packed up my duffel bag and walked to my car. Whether or not it was the right move, Prince came out and hugged me good bye and told me to drive safe, and also to let him know when I was home so that he would know I was alive.
And then I left.
The drive from school to home is roughly two hours. I cranked up my Imperials music and cried for the first half of the drive. Big heaving sobs. I just had to let it all out, and being alone in my car without anyone else to feel obligated to hug me or give words of encouragement was actually something that I desperately needed.
After I finished crying my eyeballs out, I sang along with some of the songs and thought a lot about how this whole ordeal is really making me feel. It occurred to me that I didn't want to let Prince Charming go, and that last time I had these same feelings.
Which leads me to believe that maybe we aren't meant to be a part? But then I was also thinking, that it's not even been a whole week yet. I need to seriously give it time before I go jumping to conclusions. And also, I hadn't even slowed down enough to try and listen to what God might be telling me.
So I prayed some. But I did most of the talking and not enough listening. It's like I kind of forgot how to listen. So I tried to quiet my brain and just see if I could hear God saying anything. I honestly can't tell you what I heard. I don't know if I was even listening that well. Or if God even spoke. I imagined things I wished He would tell me, but I don't know if I made those up or if it was really Him.
But I am sure of one thing, time will tell. You can always look back and see God's hand in your life even if you don't see what He's doing right now.
I got into town safe and sound, texted Prince Charming and my friend (let's call her Missile) to let them know, and headed directly home whereupon I received a giant Mom-hug. Mom-hugs are some of the best hugs a girl can get. Dad-hugs are just as good, to be sure.
And since I've been home I haven't really cried once. Although I thought about Prince a lot while we were watching 27 Dresses. I suppose it will be a while before I can watch a chick-flick rom-com without thinking of my cuddly past.
I'll head back to Moscow sometime tomorrow, but I wish I could stay here for at least week. Too bad nasty school gets in the way of those plans...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone
It's been two days since I called it quits with my used-to-be-charming Prince. We're still working through our issues. Talking it out over instant message and text. It's a process - and that's what sucks.
But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.
I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.
He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.
Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.
It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.
I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.
Or else, I don't know what to think.
When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.
I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.
Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.
I have been listening to this song on repeat today:
Here are the lyrics:
But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.
I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.
He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.
Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.
It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.
I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.
Or else, I don't know what to think.
When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.
I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.
Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.
I have been listening to this song on repeat today:
Here are the lyrics:
Shocking Similarities and Future Hope
I smell like coffee. But that's probably because I just worked for five hours making coffee drinks and being surrounded by coffee smelling things. I love the way that coffee smells, even if I'm not super big on how coffee tastes.
Prince Charming would always, always, always remind me of how much I smelled like coffee when I would visit him after my shift ended. He is not a coffee person. But between you and me, I think he kind of liked how I smelled when I came home from work.
I haven't seen Prince all day. But we've been talking off and on. Deciding when to meet to give stuff back to the respective owners, who will ultimately come away with the PS3, which as of now is in limbo joint custody. Poor kid. We'll have to send him to therapy. He will have mommy and daddy issues the rest of his gaming life.
But mostly, I've figured out, through some prodding and poking, that Prince Charming is either just as sad about this break up as I am or maybe even more so. I didn't expect that from him, and to see it in writing (texts and IM) was a little more than shocking to me.
You see, I remember when it was him who did the breakage the first time we went down this road. And it was me who was slowly dying a painful death waiting for him to come back around. I don't think things will happen the same way they did last time, but some of the things Prince told me he was feeling just echoed of my earlier heart cringes, and I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.
But I do feel for him. I'm sad that he is sad. I'm sad we have to go through this, but I think it's for the better even though honestly I have moments of doubt.
A lot of things are going to change in our lives. This relationship was a big thing (two years!) and for it to now be so incredibly different, is somewhat akin to culture shock, I think. Things that I used to do so comfortably now are not in the cards at all. It's going to take some getting used to.
And there are things I miss that I really don't want to miss. Things that I wish I could still do that now I can't. But it will get better. Eventually maybe we could be friends again. I hope that we can be. Someday. It would be nice.
Prince Charming would always, always, always remind me of how much I smelled like coffee when I would visit him after my shift ended. He is not a coffee person. But between you and me, I think he kind of liked how I smelled when I came home from work.
I haven't seen Prince all day. But we've been talking off and on. Deciding when to meet to give stuff back to the respective owners, who will ultimately come away with the PS3, which as of now is in limbo joint custody. Poor kid. We'll have to send him to therapy. He will have mommy and daddy issues the rest of his gaming life.
But mostly, I've figured out, through some prodding and poking, that Prince Charming is either just as sad about this break up as I am or maybe even more so. I didn't expect that from him, and to see it in writing (texts and IM) was a little more than shocking to me.
You see, I remember when it was him who did the breakage the first time we went down this road. And it was me who was slowly dying a painful death waiting for him to come back around. I don't think things will happen the same way they did last time, but some of the things Prince told me he was feeling just echoed of my earlier heart cringes, and I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.
But I do feel for him. I'm sad that he is sad. I'm sad we have to go through this, but I think it's for the better even though honestly I have moments of doubt.
A lot of things are going to change in our lives. This relationship was a big thing (two years!) and for it to now be so incredibly different, is somewhat akin to culture shock, I think. Things that I used to do so comfortably now are not in the cards at all. It's going to take some getting used to.
And there are things I miss that I really don't want to miss. Things that I wish I could still do that now I can't. But it will get better. Eventually maybe we could be friends again. I hope that we can be. Someday. It would be nice.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday
I suppose part of going through the process of heartbreak is thinking about and missing all of the good things. Hearing something that reminds you of something that sends you back to a time with him and you were doing something and it was fun, and then the tears just brim at your eyes but you're in the middle of class, so really, what can you do?
I think what I'm going to miss the absolute most is laying my head on Prince's chest, watching a movie, while he plays with my hair. Those moments were just so perfect. So incredibly perfect. Everything I could have ever asked for.
I'm going to miss his hugs. A warm embrace to fall into when the world is so mean.
I think what hurts so terribly, is that I chose this. I ended the relationship. It was my decision, you know? I wonder to myself if I could back and change my decision, would I? Was it better to just continue on with the familiarity? To have someone that even though the "romance" was fleeting, he still would be there for me when I really needed it?
I feel like I need him now. I feel like I just want to call him or text him about so many things. I want to fall asleep in his arms because they were always comforting when I was crying. And I cried myself to sleep last night.
It's funny that when you go through a heartbreak, you find out there are so many other people that love you. But unfortunately, all those people that I want to be with, that I wish could hold me, aren't here. And the one person who is, is someone that can't be there for me because I just broke up with him!
I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to get dressed. I don't even want to eat. I just want to lay on my bed and sob uncontrollably until I get it all out of my system. I want to just cry and cry and cry.
And at the very same time I'm tired of crying. I've cried a lot. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how else to be. I want to be with other people, and at the same time I just want to be alone. I want someone to hug me, but I don't know who I want to hug to me.
I want to scream and moan and mope and cry and cover my head with my sheets.
I want to rewind time.
I want to feel differently. I want to hate him. I want to never want to be around him again. But that's not how I really feel. That's not what will really happen.
I'm super sad that I won't be part of his family anymore. That he won't necessarily be part of mine. I'm sad that things had to end. I don't want it to be over, I want him to just hug me and make everything better.
But I don't think that will happen. Ever. This isn't something that you can just magically fix. Although God knows I wish it would all just go away.
I think what I'm going to miss the absolute most is laying my head on Prince's chest, watching a movie, while he plays with my hair. Those moments were just so perfect. So incredibly perfect. Everything I could have ever asked for.
I'm going to miss his hugs. A warm embrace to fall into when the world is so mean.
I think what hurts so terribly, is that I chose this. I ended the relationship. It was my decision, you know? I wonder to myself if I could back and change my decision, would I? Was it better to just continue on with the familiarity? To have someone that even though the "romance" was fleeting, he still would be there for me when I really needed it?
I feel like I need him now. I feel like I just want to call him or text him about so many things. I want to fall asleep in his arms because they were always comforting when I was crying. And I cried myself to sleep last night.
It's funny that when you go through a heartbreak, you find out there are so many other people that love you. But unfortunately, all those people that I want to be with, that I wish could hold me, aren't here. And the one person who is, is someone that can't be there for me because I just broke up with him!
I don't want to do anything right now. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to get dressed. I don't even want to eat. I just want to lay on my bed and sob uncontrollably until I get it all out of my system. I want to just cry and cry and cry.
And at the very same time I'm tired of crying. I've cried a lot. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how else to be. I want to be with other people, and at the same time I just want to be alone. I want someone to hug me, but I don't know who I want to hug to me.
I want to scream and moan and mope and cry and cover my head with my sheets.
I want to rewind time.
I want to feel differently. I want to hate him. I want to never want to be around him again. But that's not how I really feel. That's not what will really happen.
I'm super sad that I won't be part of his family anymore. That he won't necessarily be part of mine. I'm sad that things had to end. I don't want it to be over, I want him to just hug me and make everything better.
But I don't think that will happen. Ever. This isn't something that you can just magically fix. Although God knows I wish it would all just go away.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The End Of Something Beautiful
Two years is a long time to be together with someone. It's a lot of memories. A lot of shared happiness. A lot of Red Robin Burgers. Bonzai burgers are my favorite.
You know, I have been mostly happy these last two years. Most of the time was filled with smiles and goofy faces. We loved to laugh. And I loved to watch him smile. I loved his laugh when it came from his belly when something was especially funny.
Prince Charming was my first of the real boyfriends. For a long time I thought he would be my only. For a long time I thought that. He used to ask me to marry him, you know. I remember the fourth of July, laying side by side on my front lawn, he whispered it into my ear. And I just wish I could have stayed there forever.
I remember crying when I found out my grandpa died, and Prince burst back into the room and scooped me up valiantly into his arms.
He was such a good boyfriend.
And then something changed. We changed. Time changed. Thing haven't been what they were in that starry eyed beginning, and that's to say that things never are the same as in the beginning. There's just something special about a new relationship. A new adventure.
We passed the two year mark after almost not making it back in November. But things were never the same. During Christmas break my Prince Charming was the most Charming he'd been in a long time, and then we got back to Moscow for school, and Moscow is a big vat of suck.
Prince wouldn't tell me he loved me. I had to argue with him over a simple goodbye kiss, because he just didn't want to do it. I didn't understand. I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but it was continually getting harder and harder.
And today, today I confronted him. My heart was racing. I didn't go into the conversation with the intent to end the relationship, but Prince Charming has told me things and not told me things that you should never or should always tell your girlfriend.
And also, I felt in second place a lot lately to other girls in his life. I don't think I should feel that way.
But also until this evening I had felt there was some semblance of hope lurking on the horizon. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it really might be. I tended to downplay a lot of what happened, a lot of how I was feeling these past few weeks. Mostly because when I thought there was hope, I didn't want things to sound worse than they really were.
And then Prince said something that he can't take back. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore, he told me it was because he didn't enjoy it. And that right there was the straw that broke the camel's back. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't enjoy being around?
That just hurt. That hurt so deep that I just ended the relationship on the spot. It was over. I was done. I am not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not enjoy kissing me, holding me, hugging me or telling me he loves me. That's not fair to me. I deserve someone who will make me feel like I am first place. Who will text me "Good night. I love you" instead of just "Night"
I want someone who loves me too.
I'm not mad at Prince Charming - even though I am extremely heartbroken. Extremely. I feel like he did a lot of things wrong, but I don't feel like I am perfect either. I think maybe we could possibly potentially be friends in the future, but I need some time to grieve for my lost relationship before I let him back into my everyday life. And also, I want him to make the first move towards that because I'm done pushing for a relationship.
I know Prince cares. I know that because he was upset when I called it off. He cried. But the problem is that that's the first real emotion I've seen from him in a while. And that's not okay.
Will we get back together? I don't feel like that's likely right now. I'm not holding my breath like last time waiting for this to all be over so I could have my boyfriend back. I'm upset. I'm frustrated at how I was treated. But I will be okay.
Eventually.
You know, I have been mostly happy these last two years. Most of the time was filled with smiles and goofy faces. We loved to laugh. And I loved to watch him smile. I loved his laugh when it came from his belly when something was especially funny.
Prince Charming was my first of the real boyfriends. For a long time I thought he would be my only. For a long time I thought that. He used to ask me to marry him, you know. I remember the fourth of July, laying side by side on my front lawn, he whispered it into my ear. And I just wish I could have stayed there forever.
I remember crying when I found out my grandpa died, and Prince burst back into the room and scooped me up valiantly into his arms.
He was such a good boyfriend.
And then something changed. We changed. Time changed. Thing haven't been what they were in that starry eyed beginning, and that's to say that things never are the same as in the beginning. There's just something special about a new relationship. A new adventure.
We passed the two year mark after almost not making it back in November. But things were never the same. During Christmas break my Prince Charming was the most Charming he'd been in a long time, and then we got back to Moscow for school, and Moscow is a big vat of suck.
Prince wouldn't tell me he loved me. I had to argue with him over a simple goodbye kiss, because he just didn't want to do it. I didn't understand. I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but it was continually getting harder and harder.
And today, today I confronted him. My heart was racing. I didn't go into the conversation with the intent to end the relationship, but Prince Charming has told me things and not told me things that you should never or should always tell your girlfriend.
And also, I felt in second place a lot lately to other girls in his life. I don't think I should feel that way.
But also until this evening I had felt there was some semblance of hope lurking on the horizon. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it really might be. I tended to downplay a lot of what happened, a lot of how I was feeling these past few weeks. Mostly because when I thought there was hope, I didn't want things to sound worse than they really were.
And then Prince said something that he can't take back. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore, he told me it was because he didn't enjoy it. And that right there was the straw that broke the camel's back. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't enjoy being around?
That just hurt. That hurt so deep that I just ended the relationship on the spot. It was over. I was done. I am not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not enjoy kissing me, holding me, hugging me or telling me he loves me. That's not fair to me. I deserve someone who will make me feel like I am first place. Who will text me "Good night. I love you" instead of just "Night"
I want someone who loves me too.
I'm not mad at Prince Charming - even though I am extremely heartbroken. Extremely. I feel like he did a lot of things wrong, but I don't feel like I am perfect either. I think maybe we could possibly potentially be friends in the future, but I need some time to grieve for my lost relationship before I let him back into my everyday life. And also, I want him to make the first move towards that because I'm done pushing for a relationship.
I know Prince cares. I know that because he was upset when I called it off. He cried. But the problem is that that's the first real emotion I've seen from him in a while. And that's not okay.
Will we get back together? I don't feel like that's likely right now. I'm not holding my breath like last time waiting for this to all be over so I could have my boyfriend back. I'm upset. I'm frustrated at how I was treated. But I will be okay.
Eventually.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
First Is The Worst
Okay guys, tomorrow is my big day for the semester.
It's going to be one of the most nerve racking days of my college career. As I'm sure every "first" day of school is going to be for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is Wednesday, January 26, 2011 and consequently it is also my first day as a Lab Instructor for the Art 100 class taught here at the University. I teach the 5th section of the lab, and tomorrow I have 31 students who will be expecting me to teach them how to make a color grid.
Yikes.
I'm nervous. Beyond nervous. Frightened maybe, even.
And to tell you the truth, I don't think I should be. I worked as a camp counselor last summer for crying out loud! But you see, there are two main differences between these situations even though I am large and in charge for both them. Summer camp was me and Prince-y vs eleventy billion 5-12 year olds. This semester, it's just little me against 31 college freshmen/sophomores.
I will not be the oldest person in the room! They will not blindly follow me like good elementary aged children!
But, everyone is telling me I will be fine. But, also, the first day is always the most nerve racking. It's downright scary, actually. Thankfully the lab sections are only once a week, so I will only be teaching Wednesdays and the experience will be totally worth it, I'm still just a scared little girl.
Which I'm certain is exactly how I will feel when I have to do my semester of student teaching and exactly how I will feel come the first day of every school year I end up teaching for the rest of the my life. First days are scary for both teachers and students!
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it....I hope.
It's going to be one of the most nerve racking days of my college career. As I'm sure every "first" day of school is going to be for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is Wednesday, January 26, 2011 and consequently it is also my first day as a Lab Instructor for the Art 100 class taught here at the University. I teach the 5th section of the lab, and tomorrow I have 31 students who will be expecting me to teach them how to make a color grid.
Yikes.
I'm nervous. Beyond nervous. Frightened maybe, even.
And to tell you the truth, I don't think I should be. I worked as a camp counselor last summer for crying out loud! But you see, there are two main differences between these situations even though I am large and in charge for both them. Summer camp was me and Prince-y vs eleventy billion 5-12 year olds. This semester, it's just little me against 31 college freshmen/sophomores.
I will not be the oldest person in the room! They will not blindly follow me like good elementary aged children!
But, everyone is telling me I will be fine. But, also, the first day is always the most nerve racking. It's downright scary, actually. Thankfully the lab sections are only once a week, so I will only be teaching Wednesdays and the experience will be totally worth it, I'm still just a scared little girl.
Which I'm certain is exactly how I will feel when I have to do my semester of student teaching and exactly how I will feel come the first day of every school year I end up teaching for the rest of the my life. First days are scary for both teachers and students!
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it....I hope.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Painting Might Be The Death Me But At Least Jesus Still Loves Me
You know, I have never really worried about buying school supplies. We've always had the money, even if I had the cheap versions of what I needed. Getting the plain folders instead of the brightly colored Lisa Frank creations. Ten cent spiral notebooks instead of the Five Star multi subject notebooks. At least I had what I needed, right? Even if it wasn't always what I wanted.
Last semester I headed into the school year with six hundred dollars in my bank account left over from my summer job as a camp counselor. That money went towards my textbooks, supplies for my Printmaking class, food, and sometimes dinner with Prince or a new pair of shoes. I was making about 200 dollars a paycheck from the coffee shop, so I was never too low on cash.
But then I went a whole month during Christmas vacation without working or getting paid, and even though I didn't spend an inordinate amount of money, because I had no new cash flowing into my bank account, it started to dwindle. And I ended up starting out Spring semester with less than 200 dollars to my name.
And that money has been spent on more school supplies and food. I am in two studio classes this semester, and one of them is Painting. Now, I've never really like painting - it's always been my least favorite art medium. For multiple reasons - it's expensive, I hate getting it on my clothes, and I hate trying to figure out how to mix colors.
All those starving artists you hear about are mostly painters. Because paint is costly. And the paint I need comes in small tubes and they cost about seven dollars a piece, depending on what color you need. They can be as expensive at fifteen dollars. And then if you want a bigger tube, well that costs even more money. Thirty seven dollars for a 200 mL tube of zinc white paint? Yeah, I'd rather die. I was glad that wasn't the kind I needed because there's no way I can afford that.
Anyway, after I depleted my bank account buying more art supplies for the most insanely expensive class this far into my college career, I cried a lot. I died a little inside. I whined about being so broke. I've never been so broke that I couldn't get school supplies. And now, I have almost no money in the bank and I still need more paint brushes and more tubes of paint.
It's ridiculous.
But then, I ran into a friend from high school on my way out to my car after lunch. He is an art major too. He asked me how I was doing, and then asked "Why just okay?" So I told him about my painting class. He asked who my instructor was and how I liked the class. I told him that so far I hated the class. We haven't done anything because not everyone had all the supplies they needed last class, and today I still didn't have everything I needed and I was just hoping that I could make it through today's three hour scheduled torture device.
And guess what?
He had some of the supplies that I was missing. And guess what else? He let me have them. Not all of them, because he still needed some, but I got some Titanium White, Crimson, two mason jars and two new paint brushes.
So, I still need a few more paints and brushes, but at least I can survive a little bit longer than I originally planned. And I just can't thank my friend enough. Or Jesus, because I feel like He planned for it to happen. I was so upset after I came out of Michael's having spent so much money on such necessary stuff, that to have what other things I needed handed to me was quite the blessing!
Last semester I headed into the school year with six hundred dollars in my bank account left over from my summer job as a camp counselor. That money went towards my textbooks, supplies for my Printmaking class, food, and sometimes dinner with Prince or a new pair of shoes. I was making about 200 dollars a paycheck from the coffee shop, so I was never too low on cash.
But then I went a whole month during Christmas vacation without working or getting paid, and even though I didn't spend an inordinate amount of money, because I had no new cash flowing into my bank account, it started to dwindle. And I ended up starting out Spring semester with less than 200 dollars to my name.
And that money has been spent on more school supplies and food. I am in two studio classes this semester, and one of them is Painting. Now, I've never really like painting - it's always been my least favorite art medium. For multiple reasons - it's expensive, I hate getting it on my clothes, and I hate trying to figure out how to mix colors.
All those starving artists you hear about are mostly painters. Because paint is costly. And the paint I need comes in small tubes and they cost about seven dollars a piece, depending on what color you need. They can be as expensive at fifteen dollars. And then if you want a bigger tube, well that costs even more money. Thirty seven dollars for a 200 mL tube of zinc white paint? Yeah, I'd rather die. I was glad that wasn't the kind I needed because there's no way I can afford that.
Anyway, after I depleted my bank account buying more art supplies for the most insanely expensive class this far into my college career, I cried a lot. I died a little inside. I whined about being so broke. I've never been so broke that I couldn't get school supplies. And now, I have almost no money in the bank and I still need more paint brushes and more tubes of paint.
It's ridiculous.
But then, I ran into a friend from high school on my way out to my car after lunch. He is an art major too. He asked me how I was doing, and then asked "Why just okay?" So I told him about my painting class. He asked who my instructor was and how I liked the class. I told him that so far I hated the class. We haven't done anything because not everyone had all the supplies they needed last class, and today I still didn't have everything I needed and I was just hoping that I could make it through today's three hour scheduled torture device.
And guess what?
He had some of the supplies that I was missing. And guess what else? He let me have them. Not all of them, because he still needed some, but I got some Titanium White, Crimson, two mason jars and two new paint brushes.
So, I still need a few more paints and brushes, but at least I can survive a little bit longer than I originally planned. And I just can't thank my friend enough. Or Jesus, because I feel like He planned for it to happen. I was so upset after I came out of Michael's having spent so much money on such necessary stuff, that to have what other things I needed handed to me was quite the blessing!
It's Time For Bed
I am super duper beyond tired. I'm so tired, that I'm not tired, do you know what I mean? And, plus, as an added bonus, my feet are killing me. Slow, painful death. I need those things that rub your feet because Prince-y won't always do that. And I don't expect him to.
This past week was really rough though, and tomorrow is Monday and I don't want Monday to come. Which is why I'm still up. Because I don't want it to be tomorrow. Even though I'm exhausted.
This semester is going to be the death of me. Of my feet. Of my bank account. Of my sanity. I promise you, I will want to pull out all my hair before spring break even peaks it's ugly little taunting head around the corner. I will throw my shoe at it. And cross my fingers that it gets hurt.
I don't really want to be here, you know, in Moscow. Anymore. I'm almost counting down days until I get to move back to Coeur d'Alene. I'm at least counting down semesters. Three. Including this one. Hopefully. I'm nervous to graduate you know, and get out into the 'real world' and not have to be a student every day of my life anymore. I'm nervous because I don't really know what will happen. But also excited because it will be something different.
I wonder what will my life be like. Will I even be with Princey then? Will we even be friends? Things have been rough and then better and then rough and then a lot better and then kind of rough again, but really only rough when we're in Moscow (and in the case of last summer, camp too) but I think it stems from all the stress and ugliness that is held here. And I can't wait to get away from it.
I've thought about transferring schools, but I really honestly think I will graduate faster if I just stay at the school I'm currently enrolled in. Which is mildly depressing, but whatever. We don't always get what we want.
But I was scrolling through my blog posts from 2008 and 2009 and I really kind of wish I was back there. 2009 anyway. The second half. Life was good. I didn't hate near as many things as I hate now. And that was back when Prince Charming liked to tell me he loved me every day. Now I maybe hear it once or twice a week. What's up with that?
You know though, I have discovered something, that for all our stresses and minor petty arguments, what we've really just lost sight of is making God the center of our relationship. And I think if we can figure out how to get more focused on Him, then things for us will improve immensely, you know? It's not like we've completely forgotten about Him, we've just put him on the back burner, which is so not okay.
We need to find a church in Moscow. Like, really, really badly.
This past week was really rough though, and tomorrow is Monday and I don't want Monday to come. Which is why I'm still up. Because I don't want it to be tomorrow. Even though I'm exhausted.
This semester is going to be the death of me. Of my feet. Of my bank account. Of my sanity. I promise you, I will want to pull out all my hair before spring break even peaks it's ugly little taunting head around the corner. I will throw my shoe at it. And cross my fingers that it gets hurt.
I don't really want to be here, you know, in Moscow. Anymore. I'm almost counting down days until I get to move back to Coeur d'Alene. I'm at least counting down semesters. Three. Including this one. Hopefully. I'm nervous to graduate you know, and get out into the 'real world' and not have to be a student every day of my life anymore. I'm nervous because I don't really know what will happen. But also excited because it will be something different.
I wonder what will my life be like. Will I even be with Princey then? Will we even be friends? Things have been rough and then better and then rough and then a lot better and then kind of rough again, but really only rough when we're in Moscow (and in the case of last summer, camp too) but I think it stems from all the stress and ugliness that is held here. And I can't wait to get away from it.
I've thought about transferring schools, but I really honestly think I will graduate faster if I just stay at the school I'm currently enrolled in. Which is mildly depressing, but whatever. We don't always get what we want.
But I was scrolling through my blog posts from 2008 and 2009 and I really kind of wish I was back there. 2009 anyway. The second half. Life was good. I didn't hate near as many things as I hate now. And that was back when Prince Charming liked to tell me he loved me every day. Now I maybe hear it once or twice a week. What's up with that?
You know though, I have discovered something, that for all our stresses and minor petty arguments, what we've really just lost sight of is making God the center of our relationship. And I think if we can figure out how to get more focused on Him, then things for us will improve immensely, you know? It's not like we've completely forgotten about Him, we've just put him on the back burner, which is so not okay.
We need to find a church in Moscow. Like, really, really badly.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Today I...
Do you know something? Do you know what is good about today?
Butterscotch English Toffee Dark Chocolate 12 oz soy mochas are one of my new favorite things.
I woke up to a simple good night text from Prince Charming.
I cut and glued colored paper together in my Elementary Art Methods class.
I texted one of my friends about "Fish" this morning. She is so funny!
("Fish" is a video that we used to have to watch when the two of us were Baristas together for Campus Dining. It's about the Pike Street Market (Pike Place Market? IDK, that fish place over in Seattle). Anyways, it's supposed to motivational and give you an example of how to have fun at work and be engaging with the customers. We used to make fun of it (only because we had to watch it so many times) and in mocking tones tell each other "OMG, we are like, so FISH!")
Zelda returned to me a few of my last assignments from our ED class last semester. I looked them over, and there was a paper in there from my practicum assignment.
I smiled when I saw that my mentor teacher wrote about how I improved a lot over the course of my hours, but that I just wasn't done "cooking" yet. It made me wish we had to do more than 30 hours. For me, that just wasn't long enough!
Also, next week I start teaching my Art 100 lab section to a bunch of freshmen/sophomores.
(I'm really nervous!)
Today I get to draw more with charcoal. I'm a little out of practice, which is a little frustrating, but mostly fun.
I came up with a great idea for Valentine's Day.
And last but definitely not least in any way shape or form, today is my momma's birthday! She's so awesome.
Butterscotch English Toffee Dark Chocolate 12 oz soy mochas are one of my new favorite things.
I woke up to a simple good night text from Prince Charming.
I cut and glued colored paper together in my Elementary Art Methods class.
I texted one of my friends about "Fish" this morning. She is so funny!
("Fish" is a video that we used to have to watch when the two of us were Baristas together for Campus Dining. It's about the Pike Street Market (Pike Place Market? IDK, that fish place over in Seattle). Anyways, it's supposed to motivational and give you an example of how to have fun at work and be engaging with the customers. We used to make fun of it (only because we had to watch it so many times) and in mocking tones tell each other "OMG, we are like, so FISH!")
Zelda returned to me a few of my last assignments from our ED class last semester. I looked them over, and there was a paper in there from my practicum assignment.
I smiled when I saw that my mentor teacher wrote about how I improved a lot over the course of my hours, but that I just wasn't done "cooking" yet. It made me wish we had to do more than 30 hours. For me, that just wasn't long enough!
Also, next week I start teaching my Art 100 lab section to a bunch of freshmen/sophomores.
(I'm really nervous!)
Today I get to draw more with charcoal. I'm a little out of practice, which is a little frustrating, but mostly fun.
I came up with a great idea for Valentine's Day.
And last but definitely not least in any way shape or form, today is my momma's birthday! She's so awesome.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Over Thinking It
A lot races through my mind at any given second on any day of the week. I think a lot. Some people would tell you that I think too much. I probably do. But when I get to thinking entirely too much, the best thing for me to do is talk about it.
But you know, there are just some things that you don't want to talk about. Some things, that in your mind sound rational and sane, but the second the words escape the safe harbor of your lips, you realize how completely crazy you are for thinking that. You realize how ridiculous the sound of your thoughts of are.
And the benefit of this, is that the person you are talking to can offer their opinion and thoughts and help you see things more clearly than you ever thought you could. Even if it hurts. Even when what they say is more painful than what you want to think about.
I've mentioned plenty of times before how much I hate change. And I just freeze up when I feel like things are changing. I want to hold on to them so badly, that I just clench tighter and tighter until I just can't take it anymore. I smother it. Whatever it is, I don't want it to escape. I don't want it to change. I don't want something to happen to it.
Unfortunately, when you do this, you can be putting off the best thing for you. But that's the most utterly frightening and seriously scary part. You don't know that it could be something better, you just imagine all of the something-bad it could be. The something-bad infiltrates your dreams. It haunts your thoughts. It's behind all of your motivation, lurking in your subconscious.
But, before you can realize that this thing could be good, or that maybe this change is something that needs to take place in your life, you have to talk it out. Most of the time this involves me crying it out, depending on the subject matter of the over-thought induced conversation and who exactly my conversational partner happens to be.
Basically, I don't want things to change in my life. That statement is super weird. Because there are things I want to change, but not everything. I'm a picky changer. And if I don't want it to happen I will fight it all the way, and it's only afterwards that I realize how instrumental that change is in my life. Things are good right now, but they could be better, and maybe I just don't know it because I spend all of my time being worried about things could be so much worse.
Figuring out how to let things go is difficult. Figuring out how to forget about certain things is even more upsetting. Being told by someone who is Not-Me that I'm not happy with myself and I need to figure out a way to change that because going on like I am is not healthy for me was a real shocking thing to hear. Especially from a person who I hold very dear to my heart.
He was so right. I spend too much time in my life over thinking every little thing. Every word. Every action. I keep comparing myself to other girls. I've forgotten what it's like to feel pretty. I've forgotten what it's like to be completely comfortable with who I am.
And since my "new year's resolution" was to just "be myself" I think I have to figure out how to be myself before I can be myself in order to love myself so I can be happy. And that starts with God. And I haven't been growing in my faith. I have been stagnant. "Comfortable." Comfortable until I am now uncomfortable.
Faced with change.
But you know what? I can do it. I might cry. And I might be angry. And I'll probably get sore and crazy and uncomfortable. But change is never easy, you know. But also, change is inevitable. And you have to learn how to embrace it, lest you be stuck holding too tight on to something that needs a little more air so it can blossom into something that could just potentially be truly wonderful. Am I right?
But you know, there are just some things that you don't want to talk about. Some things, that in your mind sound rational and sane, but the second the words escape the safe harbor of your lips, you realize how completely crazy you are for thinking that. You realize how ridiculous the sound of your thoughts of are.
And the benefit of this, is that the person you are talking to can offer their opinion and thoughts and help you see things more clearly than you ever thought you could. Even if it hurts. Even when what they say is more painful than what you want to think about.
I've mentioned plenty of times before how much I hate change. And I just freeze up when I feel like things are changing. I want to hold on to them so badly, that I just clench tighter and tighter until I just can't take it anymore. I smother it. Whatever it is, I don't want it to escape. I don't want it to change. I don't want something to happen to it.
Unfortunately, when you do this, you can be putting off the best thing for you. But that's the most utterly frightening and seriously scary part. You don't know that it could be something better, you just imagine all of the something-bad it could be. The something-bad infiltrates your dreams. It haunts your thoughts. It's behind all of your motivation, lurking in your subconscious.
But, before you can realize that this thing could be good, or that maybe this change is something that needs to take place in your life, you have to talk it out. Most of the time this involves me crying it out, depending on the subject matter of the over-thought induced conversation and who exactly my conversational partner happens to be.
Basically, I don't want things to change in my life. That statement is super weird. Because there are things I want to change, but not everything. I'm a picky changer. And if I don't want it to happen I will fight it all the way, and it's only afterwards that I realize how instrumental that change is in my life. Things are good right now, but they could be better, and maybe I just don't know it because I spend all of my time being worried about things could be so much worse.
Figuring out how to let things go is difficult. Figuring out how to forget about certain things is even more upsetting. Being told by someone who is Not-Me that I'm not happy with myself and I need to figure out a way to change that because going on like I am is not healthy for me was a real shocking thing to hear. Especially from a person who I hold very dear to my heart.
He was so right. I spend too much time in my life over thinking every little thing. Every word. Every action. I keep comparing myself to other girls. I've forgotten what it's like to feel pretty. I've forgotten what it's like to be completely comfortable with who I am.
And since my "new year's resolution" was to just "be myself" I think I have to figure out how to be myself before I can be myself in order to love myself so I can be happy. And that starts with God. And I haven't been growing in my faith. I have been stagnant. "Comfortable." Comfortable until I am now uncomfortable.
Faced with change.
But you know what? I can do it. I might cry. And I might be angry. And I'll probably get sore and crazy and uncomfortable. But change is never easy, you know. But also, change is inevitable. And you have to learn how to embrace it, lest you be stuck holding too tight on to something that needs a little more air so it can blossom into something that could just potentially be truly wonderful. Am I right?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Hydros Do A Lot For Your Mental Stability
I woke up this morning starving, groggy, and nervous. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to do anything except lay in my bed all warm and cozy and pretend that I didn't have the scariest doctor's appointment ever at 8:30.
Clad in my Vandal sweatpants and Twinlow sweatshirt, I piled into the car shivering. I rode shot gun, and theKeeper sat behind me. We talked about random various things that I really don't remember, and then we pulled into the parking lot of the oral surgeon, much to the hatred of my nervously shaking inside parts. I had been texting Princey because he was at the doctor's today too and couldn't be with me to hold my hand.
We trudged inside the building, looked over the appropriate paper work and had our very own hospital bracelets secured on our right wrists. They called theKeeper back first. I sat in the waiting room flipping through pictures on my phone and texting my boyfriend. I found this gem that I didn't even know existed!
And then I was led into an operating room, where I got to sit in a big beige chair with velcro arm restraints. My heart rate quickened. I really don't exactly why I was so nervous or scared. I kept telling myself that it will all be okay, but nevertheless my voice was shaking and my heart pounded in my chest.
The nurse came in to give me and IV drip. She talked about putting all my nervousness into my fist so she could find a vein for the needle. I hate needles. I turned my head to face the other direction while she gently tapped my arm and rubbed some cool liquid on my skin. My pulse raced.
And then it felt like a bee stung me and it was all over. She gave me some anti-biotic and talked about football and art work. She was surprised that they boy in the other room was my brother. We talked about my mom, having to take care of two loopy kids - but you know, if ever someone was capable of that it's totally that woman who raised us. She's phenomenal - plain and simple.
I remember the surgeon coming in the room and asking me questions. She told me she was giving me whatever it was that was going to put me under and I would notice the room getting spinny and then I would feel sleepy. I only vaguely remember feeling like the room was spinning and then nothing.
I don't remember anything until I was back home under a blanket with my sweatshirt back on and I didn't know how I got there. It's the most odd feeling - waking up somewhere and not knowing how you got there. I just closed my eyes again and then I feasted on a giant chocolate milkshake my lovely mother made for me.
Prince Charming came over after all his doctor dealios were over and he just held me. At one point we were both asleep on the couch together. He really is one of my most favorite people.
Overall, I've been pretty out of it all day. My speech is slow, my thoughts are slow, it's really fun to try and walk around the house. Or think. Or do anything except watch television and snuggle up next to my Prince. Tomorrow will be an adventure unto itself.
I think it's bed time.
Clad in my Vandal sweatpants and Twinlow sweatshirt, I piled into the car shivering. I rode shot gun, and theKeeper sat behind me. We talked about random various things that I really don't remember, and then we pulled into the parking lot of the oral surgeon, much to the hatred of my nervously shaking inside parts. I had been texting Princey because he was at the doctor's today too and couldn't be with me to hold my hand.
We trudged inside the building, looked over the appropriate paper work and had our very own hospital bracelets secured on our right wrists. They called theKeeper back first. I sat in the waiting room flipping through pictures on my phone and texting my boyfriend. I found this gem that I didn't even know existed!
And then I was led into an operating room, where I got to sit in a big beige chair with velcro arm restraints. My heart rate quickened. I really don't exactly why I was so nervous or scared. I kept telling myself that it will all be okay, but nevertheless my voice was shaking and my heart pounded in my chest.
The nurse came in to give me and IV drip. She talked about putting all my nervousness into my fist so she could find a vein for the needle. I hate needles. I turned my head to face the other direction while she gently tapped my arm and rubbed some cool liquid on my skin. My pulse raced.
And then it felt like a bee stung me and it was all over. She gave me some anti-biotic and talked about football and art work. She was surprised that they boy in the other room was my brother. We talked about my mom, having to take care of two loopy kids - but you know, if ever someone was capable of that it's totally that woman who raised us. She's phenomenal - plain and simple.
I remember the surgeon coming in the room and asking me questions. She told me she was giving me whatever it was that was going to put me under and I would notice the room getting spinny and then I would feel sleepy. I only vaguely remember feeling like the room was spinning and then nothing.
I don't remember anything until I was back home under a blanket with my sweatshirt back on and I didn't know how I got there. It's the most odd feeling - waking up somewhere and not knowing how you got there. I just closed my eyes again and then I feasted on a giant chocolate milkshake my lovely mother made for me.
Prince Charming came over after all his doctor dealios were over and he just held me. At one point we were both asleep on the couch together. He really is one of my most favorite people.
Overall, I've been pretty out of it all day. My speech is slow, my thoughts are slow, it's really fun to try and walk around the house. Or think. Or do anything except watch television and snuggle up next to my Prince. Tomorrow will be an adventure unto itself.
I think it's bed time.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
First Some Review
You know what's crazy? New years are crazy. One more rotation around the sun. Twelve new months that have never been experienced before! How fun! What an adventure! And we all know around here that I do love a good adventure.
But before we fancy about what the future holds, let's look at where the past has taken us. This year has been one of its own - that's for sure.
But before we fancy about what the future holds, let's look at where the past has taken us. This year has been one of its own - that's for sure.
May.
June.
July.
When I think about 2010 I think about all the stuff that happened this year. There was a lot of it. And there was a lot of stuff that happened this year that hurt. I can't explain how deep heart break affects you, how much you hurt, how much you want to just forget about it, and how much work it is to move on from heart break. And I feel like this year held the most hurt for me out of any other year I've been alive.
I know some people have had a great year, and for you, I could not be happier. But for me, I simply just can't wait to start this year fresh. I want to leave 2010 behind as a year that I would rather just erase from memory. We all have had those kinds of years. Some more than others.
But among my "resolutions" I just want to say, don't worry about losing weight. Don't worry about 'being a better person' or whatever it is that you continually resolve year after year and just do this: be yourself.
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