A lot races through my mind at any given second on any day of the week. I think a lot. Some people would tell you that I think too much. I probably do. But when I get to thinking entirely too much, the best thing for me to do is talk about it.
But you know, there are just some things that you don't want to talk about. Some things, that in your mind sound rational and sane, but the second the words escape the safe harbor of your lips, you realize how completely crazy you are for thinking that. You realize how ridiculous the sound of your thoughts of are.
And the benefit of this, is that the person you are talking to can offer their opinion and thoughts and help you see things more clearly than you ever thought you could. Even if it hurts. Even when what they say is more painful than what you want to think about.
I've mentioned plenty of times before how much I hate change. And I just freeze up when I feel like things are changing. I want to hold on to them so badly, that I just clench tighter and tighter until I just can't take it anymore. I smother it. Whatever it is, I don't want it to escape. I don't want it to change. I don't want something to happen to it.
Unfortunately, when you do this, you can be putting off the best thing for you. But that's the most utterly frightening and seriously scary part. You don't know that it could be something better, you just imagine all of the something-bad it could be. The something-bad infiltrates your dreams. It haunts your thoughts. It's behind all of your motivation, lurking in your subconscious.
But, before you can realize that this thing could be good, or that maybe this change is something that needs to take place in your life, you have to talk it out. Most of the time this involves me crying it out, depending on the subject matter of the over-thought induced conversation and who exactly my conversational partner happens to be.
Basically, I don't want things to change in my life. That statement is super weird. Because there are things I want to change, but not everything. I'm a picky changer. And if I don't want it to happen I will fight it all the way, and it's only afterwards that I realize how instrumental that change is in my life. Things are good right now, but they could be better, and maybe I just don't know it because I spend all of my time being worried about things could be so much worse.
Figuring out how to let things go is difficult. Figuring out how to forget about certain things is even more upsetting. Being told by someone who is Not-Me that I'm not happy with myself and I need to figure out a way to change that because going on like I am is not healthy for me was a real shocking thing to hear. Especially from a person who I hold very dear to my heart.
He was so right. I spend too much time in my life over thinking every little thing. Every word. Every action. I keep comparing myself to other girls. I've forgotten what it's like to feel pretty. I've forgotten what it's like to be completely comfortable with who I am.
And since my "new year's resolution" was to just "be myself" I think I have to figure out how to be myself before I can be myself in order to love myself so I can be happy. And that starts with God. And I haven't been growing in my faith. I have been stagnant. "Comfortable." Comfortable until I am now uncomfortable.
Faced with change.
But you know what? I can do it. I might cry. And I might be angry. And I'll probably get sore and crazy and uncomfortable. But change is never easy, you know. But also, change is inevitable. And you have to learn how to embrace it, lest you be stuck holding too tight on to something that needs a little more air so it can blossom into something that could just potentially be truly wonderful. Am I right?