nobody likes you when you're 23

This weekend my house was filled to the brim with dogs and people. I like to think they were all in town for my birthday on Saturday. I turned 23 and I spent the day up on top of Schweitzer at Fall Fest with my favorite boy, our friend, my aunt and uncle who were in from out of town, and my family - minus Jim because he was too cool to drive over from Seattle (insert winky face).

The view from the top of the mountain was gorgeous and the hard cider and elephant ears weren't bad either. Plus, I'm pretty easy to please so I was just happy that everyone was here and that I didn't have to work. 

Birthday weekend celebration was in full swing yesterday too on the lake in a tube behind the boat. Every wave is a personal challenge and it takes quite a bit to throw me off into the water. The only downside I have found to this comes the next day when my shoulders and forearms scream at me every time I try to move them. Worth it.

And come tomorrow I will be walking into a classroom full of sarcastic teenagers who aren't ready to say goodbye to summer and hello to homework. It's so crazy that this time last year I was a student teacher and now I'm the one who's large and in charge. The world is not ready for me yet! I'm taking the education world by surprise. I will warp values! I will twist minds! All in the name art! Muahahahaha!

All in all though, as I look back through all of the things I have done this summer, it has been a good one. I started out in Honduras and then I spent time with Nathan. I went camping, I went to Silverwood and Boulder Beach. I went fishing. I went tubing. I cliff dived and jumped off a rope swing. I worked in a restaurant. I made new friends and caught up with old ones. I herded cattle in a truck. I took Daniel's senior pictures. I soaked in a hot tub underneath a sky full of stars. I went to the fair and ate elephant ears and jumped on a trampoline. I fell asleep to thunder and lightning. There were adventures galore. I'm not ready to see this summer off just yet, but I am excited to walk into my classroom tomorrow and start my first year of teaching.

I don't know what this school year is going to bring and I can't predict the challenges that will come my way, but I do know that this is going to be one of the greatest life adventures I will ever embark on. I am so happy that I have the family I do, that I have Nathan, that I have God watching out for me, and that I'm in the position I am in now.

I remember I used to wonder what it would be like to be 23. I wondered where I would be, what I would be doing, where I would live. I would have never imagined that I would be in a full time salaried position living in the same town where I grew up. God is so good and I am so blessed.

Lately

I have struggled with what to write in this blog lately. I used to write about everything that happened to me and I used to try and turn mundane things into funny stories, but I've been having a lot of trouble with trying to figure out how exactly to do that.

And plus I feel like all I want to write about is the same thing over and over again, which is that growing up is scary. I'm facing things now that used to only be a blip on my radar screen, but now they are actually happening to me. Graduation. Student teaching. Looking for a job in the real world. Facing the possibility of moving out of the state so I can actually get a job. Thinking about these things makes my breathing a little shallower and my pulse a little faster. But these are real things and they are happening.

It seems as if my entire life is in hyper drive right now. The semester started off a little slow and then midterms came out of nowhere. Now, all of a sudden it seems like projects are due all the time. Papers need to be written all the time. Things need to be printed and mounted all the time. My life revolves around school and work and I'm starting to feel exhausted. The worst part is that I don't even think Thanksgiving break will really be a break. I'll still have homework to do.

And then when we get back from break it will be all projects and making sure all my "t"s are crossed and my "i"s are dotted and that everything is right where it needs to be so that my butt is lined up to graduate next December. Seriously, all I want to do right now is hit the freeze button and fly away somewhere very far away for a month. A whole month, I wouldn't know what to do with myself! I don't really know what to do with myself as it is though, so there's that.

To top it all off I have been toying with the idea of becoming vegetarian. I don't usually eat red meat as it is anyway, but I'm not quite sure if I want to give all of it up. I really do like chicken and turkey and fish. I also think about cutting out all the dairy in my diet. I'm not a big fan of cheese and I quit drinking milk a while ago, but I do really like eggs. I feel like this is a boring thing to write about. On to the next topic? Okay? Okay.

Let's talk about PC. Because I feel like I ought to inform you about him as of late. You see, we are no longer on speaking terms really. He's got his life and I've got mine and I don't really ever think about him except for sometimes, usually when he randomly texts me out of nowhere. And wouldn't you know it, just the other day I finally deleted his number out of my phone.

Big life step right there, let the record show.

And then not a day later I get a text that says "Awake?" from a number that's not in my phone. I texted back asking who it was and the second after I sent the message I realized that I recognized the number. It was him. He answered back and I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to punch him. I wondered why he couldn't just leave me alone.

The next morning he texts me something about video games. I ignored it. And that same night he texted me again about something of zero importance and I finally (finally!) told him to stop texting me, please.

Yet another big life step right there, I was on a roll.

I just can't be friends with him. Not after what happened, not after how he treated me. I know he wants to be my friend, but he can't go back in time and undo the awful things that happened between us. He can't take back the lies that he told and the things he tried to cover up. My life is so much happier without him in it. There's so much less drama and pain and tears. I almost forgot what it's like to be this way and then I think about my someone-very-important who is super adorable and my favorite and I wonder why I put up with PC for so long. I was just afraid of the unknown.

But if there's anything I've learned from this situation it's that letting go was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Boom.

that one time i made another blog and nobody cared

So remember when I started that other blog and then no body really took an interest in reading it, but that was kind of okay since it was mostly to help me with a ridiculously hard class I was taking? Well, remember how the semester is over now and I'm not in that stupidly hard class anymore?

Yeah.

So I was left with this blog, and I looked at it. Poor pitiful blog without a purpose. And I contemplated ending it's sad little life, but I thought that was too easy. Why, it was just a young thing! It has lots of life left inside it's little html walls. How could I do something so cruel as to behead it before it had even begun to really blossom? I mean, how rude!

I hmmed and hawed and tilted my head for a bit. And then I made some chicken noodle soup, stared at some of my newly created watercolor paintings and it hit me. I've been wondering whether or not I should start an art blog for a while now, since I'm producing a lot of new stuff in a relatively short period of time for all of my classes here at the university.

So I changed this little blog's life and turned it into a place for me to show off the new things I have created. I tried to import some of my art posts from this blog over to that one, but it was way to complicated for my poor little brain to try and sit there and figure out.

I'm tired guys, I mean, I've been sleeping on a couch since I moved out of the dorm. Not exactly a recipe for a good night's rest. Therefore, trying to understand how importing and exporting a blog works, I just decided that it would be a fresh start and that I would just start posting new stuff to that blog instead of this one.

Anyway, I figured that you guys probably weren't really interested in art theory before, but most of you seem to like when I post about the concept behind my art or the technique or just looking at what new stuff channels its way out of my head. Well, here's the place you'll find it. So if you could, just click this link, this one right here, and follow me! See, I just gave you three links! Four! So that's no excuse!

If it helps, there's a cute picture over there right now. It's not watercolor, it's from print making, but still. It's adorable. Don't hurt its feelings. Or the blog's for that matter. It was rather suicidal a little bit ago, and I had to rescue it. And you have to help me!

A joint effort!

I'll give you cookies?

No?

Still not interested?

A pony?

Well okay. I'll quit pushing the issue.

...


please?

First Some Review

You know what's crazy? New years are crazy. One more rotation around the sun. Twelve new months that have never been experienced before! How fun! What an adventure! And we all know around here that I do love a good adventure.

But before we fancy about what the future holds, let's look at where the past has taken us. This year has been one of its own - that's for sure.

January. 

February. 

March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

When I think about 2010 I think about all the stuff that happened this year. There was a lot of it. And there was a lot of stuff that happened this year that hurt. I can't explain how deep heart break affects you, how much you hurt, how much you want to just forget about it, and how much work it is to move on from heart break. And I feel like this year held the most hurt for me out of any other year I've been alive. 

I know some people have had a great year, and for you, I could not be happier. But for me, I simply just can't wait to start this year fresh. I want to leave 2010 behind as a year that I would rather just erase from memory. We all have had those kinds of years. Some more than others. 

But among my "resolutions" I just want to say, don't worry about losing weight. Don't worry about 'being a better person' or whatever it is that you continually resolve year after year and just do this: be yourself.

Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

**this is a Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop Post**

I have grown up in church. I don't remember a time in my life when we were not expected to attend church on a Sunday morning if we were in town and healthy. I went to Sunday School, Kids Quest, Youth Group. I went through the Missionette's program when I was in elementary school and I have a huge trophy to prove I graduated.

Middle school youth group had always been fun. I had a good group of friends and I love, love, loved the youth pastor. I felt like he was a really good role model, a good person to look up to, and really, if you can't look up to your youth pastor then just who can you look up to, right?

He would talk about having God time before bed and reading his Bible. Both he and his wife were committed to the youth and to the Lord. It was really a great environment to grow up in - especially during those identity crisis filled 6th through 8th grade years.

I went on missions trips, built relationships, learned more about God and felt like I was really in a good place in my life.

And then the unthinkable happened. Our youth pastor left. But it gets so much worse.

Not only did he just up and leave our youth group community, but he took another youth leader with him - and she wasn't his wife. They just up and split - they didn't even stay in the same state.

My trust was shattered. My hope was crushed. Someone that I looked up to on a weekly basis to be my pastor, to be my mentor had just abandoned me. And not only me - he'd forgotten about every other student in attendance.

I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to have anything more to do with youth group, so I didn't return. We eventually left the church, and I was a junior in high school before I even remotely agreed to contemplate returning to youth group. I didn't know if my youth pastor would leave me again. I was scared to trust someone in a leader's position to walk with me in my journey with Christ.

I showed up to a group of high schoolers congregating outside the foyer in the hot summer evening. I didn't know a soul, so I kind of just wandered around aimlessly until I found a comfortable spot leaning against a pillar and watching the action.

It had been a few minutes before I was approached by a man who I assumed to be in his thirties. He introduced himself and asked me some questions. He could tell I was new and asked if he could introduce me to some kids he thought were "really cool." I agreed because if I knew myself, I would never make friends on my own.

He took me over to a group of kids and introduced me to two girls who were best friends. I was scared to be the third wheel and I didn't know if they were really going to include me and show me around or if they would ditch me the first chance they got.

I have to pause and say that I am continually amazed by God's awesomeness.

These girls not only palled around with me all night, but invited me to their small group where I connected with more teenage girls, all my age too, and two awesome small group leaders. Not only was I plugged in to a great group of Godly girls, but I got to know the youth pastor, too. I decided he wasn't anything like my old youth pastor who had left me to fend for myself, and that in fact he was much, much better.

Not only was my faith restored in Jesus, but it was also restored in people. My experience with that high school youth group was so very amazing that I wouldn't change it for anything. My faith developed just as well as my relationships. I went on a missions trip to DC with that group of girls that I was so hesitant to meet.

Unfortunately we're not as close as we were. A few of us has moved on to different colleges and thank the Lord for Facebook so we can all keep in touch - even if it's just every once in a while.

And that is the story of how I lost heart and gained it back at least five times over. The only thing I'm sorry about was that it took me until Junior year to decide that I really wanted to be involved again.

Put One Foot In Front Of The Other

Today I want to be different than I was yesterday.

I'm still in bed, btw. I haven't even bothered to brush my hair or teeth and I'm not even wearing the slightest trace amounts of makeup. I know you totally wanted to know that, didn't you?

But today I am driving north. Not to Alaska, although I do like that song by Johnny Horton. I just actually like Johnny Horton. He's a cool dude. But no, I am just going home for what I believe is the third weekend in a row for me. That's weird because I never go home this much.

My reason for going home this weekend was because of something going on with my church and my old high school small group. I got an email yesterday that now I don't even need to worry about it. So my hopes were raised over diddly squat. Don't you love when that happens? But I'll be fine. I promise.

I have my man friend Prince-y who is so good to me. He'll help me through. Remember when I was feeling like this and I was so angry and ridiculous and maybe or maybe not slightly hormonal and crazy? Prince wouldn't leave me because he didn't want me to be alone. I'm not sure exactly why, but maybe he was afraid I would do something stupid like jump off a roof just to see if I could use my arms as wings or something of that ridiculous nature. Which I would never do. Maybe.

Anyway, I want today to be full of awesome. I know Belle is angry with me for pointing out some huge things in her life that she doesn't see eye to eye with me on, but I want to take all of my good and faithful readers advice and start to leave her a little behind. We'll see how it goes.

You know, we've been friends for so long and we're still at the same school and have some of the same friends that it will be super weird to not go to her Halloween parties or rob banks with her anymore. But such as life goes on, I've had to do the same thing with Ariel.

When I heard about so many people not remaining friends with their besties from HS I thought it was because you all moved on with your life and simply lost touch with each other. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would be because you actually grew apart and could hardly stand to be friends any longer. That never crossed my little naive mind. I want to live in a blissful world where everyone gets along and they all go to picnics and ride unicorns over rainbows while eating bagel and cream cheese. I love bagels and cream cheese.

Especially the cheese bagels. They smell so good while they are in the toaster!

But how hard is it to move on from friends? To pick up the pieces of a shattered relationship and move forward with your own life? I imagine it's somewhat like breaking up with a boyfriend, only a little more painful because you spent the night at their house and shared deep down secrets and hoped for the future. Planned that your kids would grow up together. You'd each have boys. Two, maybe three of them. And your families would live next door to each other and everything would be hunky dory.

Maybe you do that with boyfriends too, but it's a little different because you always know that maybe, just maybe you won't end up with them forever. But best friends are supposed to stick around. They're not supposed to let you down. What happened to my shoulder to cry on when everything seemed to just suck? She up and changed her mind, she did.

I'm a firm believer in the 'everything happens for a reason' outlook on life. So you know, this happened and it's not so good, but something good will stem from it. God is working in my life, and looking back it's really evident some of His handiwork. Maybe looking back through this I'll see His hand as well. But for now it's just one giant leap of faith that He's going to direct me where I need to go and give what I need. He's never let me down before - ever. So why start now? I mean really.

So today I'm going home which is where I wanted to be when this was happening. I wanted my mommy to love me and hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. And then she would inevitably make me a cookie (read chocolate chip) ooey and gooey and straight out of the oven with a cold glass of 2% because I don't drink that white water crap you all consider to be *cough*milk*cough.* 

And tomorrow I'm going skiing with my ever loving Daddy and I will leave all of my friend vs. ex friend worries off of the mountain. Hopefully I will get to tease my brothers mercilessly because they deserve it and I can bug the heck out of my sister because I haven't done that in a while.

Maybe I'll take my dog for a walk. She's a fatso of a large pup and never gets enough exercise. But I still love her, lard butt and all. And maybe I'll take some sweet pictures with my new camera because one can never have enough pictures. 

If I'm feeling ambitious I may try to figure out the meaning of life and then let you all in on that dirty little secret, but don't push me. I may be feeling lazy instead and just want to lay on the couch and rake in loads of TV until my brain rots and slushes out my ears. 

But for now I'm waiting for Prince to get back from class because we have errands to run. So I should maybe go put on some decent clothes and brush my hair. You know, so I can look presentable or whatever nonsense that is. Maybe I'll even put on mascara. I know he loves when I wear that stuff. I look right purdy I do. And don't you forget it!