HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

I remember so many Januaries that were full of despair for me. So many Januaries where I would struggle to get up out of bed on put on my real clothes and buck up and act happy, trying to convince myself that everything was actually going to be alright. So many posts I wrote in an effort to say that "this is going to be my year!" and "let's make this the best year yet!" all while knowing that it was tough. It was going to be tough. And my heart wanted those years really to be good, but it was really just an uphill struggle. Blood, sweat, tears.

Januaries are a symbol to me of starting over. Not because it is necessarily the beginning of a new year, but because my big life-altering events (read: breakups, etc) have all happened in January. And last year, 2014, I was nervous all month. I was just waiting for that break-up speech to come out of Nathan's mouth. Not because I believed he was going to break up with me, but simply just because of all my past Januaries. But that break-up speech rightfully never came and with the onset of February, I relaxed a little.

This January is not filled with despair or anxiety this year, but instead with joy and hope. Real hope and real joy.

Christmas eve I spent at church with my family. Our pastor spoke on the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness, he said, was based on circumstance. It was situational and very, very temporary. And I had this sort of realization inside my head about just exactly how right he was about it.

Happiness is extremely temporary, and yet we say it all the time. "All I want in life is just to be happy." And "all I want for my children is for them to be happy." And why is it that we only strive for happiness? Happiness will go away when things change. It doesn't fill you up. It doesn't sustain you. You can't live in a constant state of happy because you always have to go "back to reality."

So I made a resolution right then and there that I was going to make a conscious choice not to be happy. I was going to be joyful. My tattoo on my shoulder is about having joy in every situation. Joy is not temporary and it doesn't go away with circumstantial changes. In even the darkest of moments, we can be joyful and hopeful because we know that we are not going to stay in our darkest moments forever. And then, when we are experiencing those good and wonderful and happy moments, we can have real joy there as well.

It was my goal last year to have an authentic year. To live my life with an air of authenticity and to be who I truly was created to be. This year, it is my goal to have a joy-filled year.

I did the 100 days of happy challenge as a reminder to myself to see the good parts of my life in everything that I did. Because I believe that if you start focusing on the positive things in your life, then you will begin to really notice just how good your life actually is. Positive thoughts beget a positive life.

And so, this is the beginning of my 365 days of joy.

First Some Review

You know what's crazy? New years are crazy. One more rotation around the sun. Twelve new months that have never been experienced before! How fun! What an adventure! And we all know around here that I do love a good adventure.

But before we fancy about what the future holds, let's look at where the past has taken us. This year has been one of its own - that's for sure.

January. 

February. 

March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

When I think about 2010 I think about all the stuff that happened this year. There was a lot of it. And there was a lot of stuff that happened this year that hurt. I can't explain how deep heart break affects you, how much you hurt, how much you want to just forget about it, and how much work it is to move on from heart break. And I feel like this year held the most hurt for me out of any other year I've been alive. 

I know some people have had a great year, and for you, I could not be happier. But for me, I simply just can't wait to start this year fresh. I want to leave 2010 behind as a year that I would rather just erase from memory. We all have had those kinds of years. Some more than others. 

But among my "resolutions" I just want to say, don't worry about losing weight. Don't worry about 'being a better person' or whatever it is that you continually resolve year after year and just do this: be yourself.

I Shot The Sheriff

It started with Prince's idea to ring in the new year by blasting his friends with his newly acquired dart tommy-gun Nerf brand knock-off that's shoots these amazing suction cup tipped darts that stick to windows and bare chested bodies. And I went right along with it.

So he got a hold of a few of his bro-friends and we all brought an immense supply of Nerf guns and ammo to Prince's friend Ty's house. Sprawled out before us was upwards of 100 bullets, at least seven different guns, a funny looking bomb device used for either a Capture The Flag game or a Seek and Destroy mission, and two Nerf swords.

There were four boys. And me.

And we had til midnight.

The boys sat around and strategized about how exactly this big ordeal was gonna go down. Because of the odd number of people we had, the teams were uneven and we had a two versus three match planned. The team of two got the bomb thing which the team of three had to Seek and Destroy. We started the epic Nerf gun battle with the lights off in Ty's basement.

It was a sneak down the stairs and shoot wherever you thought there was or could potentially be a body of an opponent. The trick was to make sure you shot at the enemy and not at your teammate.

I love playing games with boys. They really are so very entertaining.

One hid in the bathroom. One hid under a desk. We were on a search and destroy anything that moves mission. Ty pitted Princey and me against each other for the first 50 thousand rounds, and then we got to team up for the last half of our allotted time for these dart shooting practices.

And let me just say that I kick some major butt with a Nerf gun. Target practice in the dark where nothing is visible, let alone trying to aim at a lurking figure that was nigh invisible in a room without windows or lights, should be tough, right?

Right.

Head shots apparently are my strong point. Dodging dart bullets is a skill I didn't know I possessed, and stealing that bomb thing was something I only managed to accomplish once - but boy was I proud of myself.

We went back and forth with our Nerf guns and knock off branded weapons of mass destruction for four hours. By then we were hot, sticky, sweaty remnants of the glorified shooting match we'd all just subjected ourselves to and the only thing left was a room full of stranded darts and bodies heaving to catch that ever illuding breath of air.

Around the kitchen table we discussed furthering our efforts as professional Nerf Gunners, future pursuit of a snowy hill to sled down in the daylight, and how much sparkling cider we were going to allow ourselves to consume. Some of us pretended to be drunk, some of us were just very tired and others of us we were ready to move on to whatever was next.

I opted to head home to a nice comfy bed and sleep off my post-war adrenaline high.

The new year could not have begun better. 2010 should watch out because I'm here, and I'll shoot it in the head if it tries any dirty tricks. You hear that New Year? No dirty tricks. Cinderella has a gun and she's not afraid to use it.

On a slightly unrelated subject, my only real 'new year's resolution' is a fairly common one in that all I really am wanting to do is get myself into the gym more often. That's one where people start out really strong and hit the gym three times a week in January and by mid-March they're sitting at home saying "I should go to the gym....but really, I'm just too tired. Maybe tomorrow." And they never get off their lazy butts and go.

I don't want that to be me. So I'm going to work hard to not let it become my future. I'm gonna stick it to the man and be all walk instead of just all talk. *crosses fingers*

So if you feel like sharing, I'm curious to know how you rang in the New Year and what you plan to do in 2010 as a resolution. If you even make resolutions, that is. I don't really ever, but somehow this year I talked myself into it.