THE STORY OF US

nathan and natalie circa 2012

Three years ago I was finishing up two summer courses at the University and I was in the beginning stages of packing up my apartment so I could move back north to start my student teaching. It honestly feels as if that was a lifetime ago. As if maybe I was even a completely different person. Three years sounds so long and so short all at the same time.

Three years ago I was palling around all over the place with Felisa and we were basically inseparable. We started inviting this Nathan kid to come hang out with us when we would go places and do things. Little by little it started to be just me and Nathan doing things. Felisa would have to work. Felisa was in Washington. Felisa had to be here or there or somewhere without us. And the more time it was just him and me the more I got this case of the feels for him.

I had been single for the last semester of my schooling, having broken up with Jordan in January. I had been doing a really good job of remaining that way as well. After all, come June 22nd I would be moving north anyway and who wants to be in a long distance relationship, am I right? But then, there was this boy and I just didn't know what to do about anything at all.

My best case scenario for Nathan and I was a short lived summer romance that would end once school had started back up for him and I threw myself into my student teaching. We would have the best intentions, but, inevitably, things would slowly drift apart and we would float off in our opposite directions neither one worse for the wear. My worst case scenario was that it would be a short lived summer romance where towards the end of it we would argue and fight and spew words of hate towards each other and never interact ever again. Not really that I pictured that one coming, given our dispositions and personalities, but stranger things have happened.

And by stranger things I mean the events that actually transpired. Because even in my wildest dreams I never anticipated the real world situations that would unfold as Nathan and I embarked on this journey together.

We were both so noncommittal in the beginning, so unwilling to call our relationship what it was. It was the other people that started referring to me as Nathan's girlfriend and he never corrected them or made any remarks about it, so we just kind of kept doing our thing. I would come back down for the weekend all summer long and then on into the school year. Each time I was a little less willing to leave him on Monday morning. Each time it tugged harder at my heart strings to say goodbye.

And then one January weekend I had to say goodbye in a way that I hadn't really anticipated except for that I had. One January weekend Nathan called our relationship off and I drove back north crying in my car because obviously this was meant to happen. We couldn't go on doing this song and dance forever. I kicked myself for even starting the relationship anyway because I just knew this was how it was going to end.

February came along and I made it through Valentine's Day without smashing anyone's teeth in and I had about convinced myself to finally pick up all the pieces, close the door, and move on forever. I had to remind myself that I couldn't live in the past forever. I couldn't keep dwelling on this failed relationship because I didn't want to mope and wallow for months and months the way I had done when PC and I broke up. But, to my surprise, Nathan didn't let me walk away and move on and forget all about it.

Instead he drove up from Moscow through a snowstorm to be with me and prove that this was really what he wanted. He stayed up for the weekend and we talked and we had fun and we remembered what it was like to be together and we just kind of decided to see where this was going to take us.

So now here we are, three years in. I had never pictured it in those very first days. I didn't believe we'd ever get here. But then, I also shouldn't be surprised that it happened because of just how well Nathan and I fit together. We make an incredible team.

He has strengths where I have weaknesses and I have strengths where he falls short. We are both weird in the comfortable silence we can share with each other. Neither one of us is afraid to be ourselves around the other. He lets me vent and cry and laugh and yell and be loud. He reminds me to calm down or be quiet. He keeps me moving, improving, reaching for goals. He pushes me to do the things I say I am going to do instead of letting me just be lazy on the couch in front of Netflix shows. But he also knows when to let me relax and be lazy on the couch in front of the Netflix shows.

The other day he was sitting on his office chair in front of his computer and he pulled me over onto his lap. At first I didn't want to. The chair wasn't big enough for the both of us. I have a bony butt. It would be uncomfortable for both of us. But he insisted. And I obliged.

At first it was uncomfortable. I was sliding off the chair, we both had to maneuver a little bit to get to a place where it worked for both of us. We played a game on the computer, he controlled the mouse and I pushed the buttons on the keyboard. Soon I forgot that I had been uncomfortable. Soon it wasn't as if we were two people, but instead like we had melded together. I don't know how weird that sounds, but just it was such a simple thing for me to have my back against his stomach, my head leaning against his chest, both focused on the task at hand. In that fleeting moment I realized that I have never been this comfortable around another human being before. It was as if I just belonged in that place, right next to him, perfectly filling the space between his arms. I never wanted to move from it.

I won't try to convince you that our relationship is perfect. And I'm not so high and mighty as to say that we never get on each other's nerves. Nathan and I have faced some pretty tough times as a couple and we've worked through some pretty big issues together in order to get to where we are today. But honestly, during these last three years I'm glad he was the one by my side ready to help me take on the world. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with.

So cheers to the last three years and may there be many, many more to follow. I'm so glad you caught me, Nathan.

nathan and natalie circa the present

50 SHADES OF DISTURBED

I have been reading all the different articles about why 50 Shades of Grey is a terrible movie and shouldn't be a box office smash because of a myriad of reasons and I have been strongly debating within myself as to whether or not I should add my little opinion to the giant banter that is going on in to the depth of the internet, so here we are I guess?

When Twilight was a big thing I wrote a small little piece about why I didn't believe in that movie and I guess it's time to do the same thing for Christian Grey. I was concerned with Twilight because it portrayed Bella as some innocent little girl who needed saving and Edward Cullen as this stalker man/boy who had to constantly resist the urge to suck out all of her blood. It portrayed what was to be perceived as an abusive relationship, and yet women of all ages flocked to see the movie and ogle over RPatz's body. Team Edward and Team Jacob paraphernalia erupted everywhere and for a while you couldn't go in any place without being bombarded by teenaged vampires and werewolves.

And then it all sort of blew over and people moved on and the craze ended.

But here we are again, faced with another glorification of spousal abuse and the women folk of America are just all over it. Christian Grey this and Christian Grey that. Christian Grey is upping our opinions of what true gentlemen are supposed to be. Christian Grey is what every man should aspire to. Umm, what? What the hell, people. What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you really want to be placed in Anastasia's shoes? Do you want someone to stalk you and beat you and sexually assault you? I know, I know, I know. That's not all there is to the story. I've read it in a million places around the internet, many women of all ages defending poor Christian Grey for his upbringing and he comes around in the end and actually loves her! It's really a beautiful story if you read all the books!!

Really?

Wait. Really?

It's a beautiful love story???

If you were in her shoes and all of this was happening to you, would you actually stay with Christian? And why? Why are we romanticizing his behavior? Why are we deeming this acceptable and allowing it into our every day lives?

Do you want your daughters or friends or relatives to go through what Anastasia goes through with Christian? If you had a friend who was in an abusive relationship like that, who's significant other was a dominating spirit, would you not speak up? Would you tell her to just endure it because he might love her in the end? If she puts up with his bullshit long enough??

WOULD YOU SERIOUSLY AGREE WITH THIS BEHAVIOR IF IT WAS ACTUALLY TANGIBLE TO YOU??

I would hope the answer is no. I would hope that you would have the guts to stand up for what is right and get your girl friend out of that terrible situation.

But I guess as long as it's just in a book we're all alright with it. I guess as long as it's not touching you, then it's fine. If it's all in your imagination then what's the harm?

The harm is that what you let into your life will start to take hold if you are exposed long enough. If you glorify this behavior in a book you may not mind so much if something like were starting to happen to you, because this book made you think it was a little sexy.

But then when your abuser's behavior doesn't change the way a fictional character's changes, well now you are stuck. Do you want other people to laugh at you and say "Well, honey, i'm sorry but you picked this, remember? You signed the damn contract!"

Please.

People, if you aren't concerned with the crazy dominating and over-powering sex and pornography that take place in this book, be concerned with how the women are reacting to Mr. Christian Grey. That man needs professional help, not an innocent girl to trap into his sadistic world.

This kind of behavior is not okay. This kind of relationship isn't something to aspire to or glorify or romanticize. It's something that actually happens to real women around the world. It's something we should be concerned about. No daughter, sister, cousin, mother, friend, or enemy should experience this type of treatment.

Women are just worth more than that.

You are worth more than that. 

/end rant

THE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS BLUES

i have nothing really to say except that we're not that far in to daylight savings time and already i'm ready for it to be gone. i hate that it gets dark at 4:30 and i hate that i have no choice but to just keep trudging on through until we make it to the other side. i'm not ready for cold or for snow or for scraping ice off my windshield. this time of year serves as an annoying reminder that i want so badly to move.

this time of year just kind of makes me feel crappy all over and i get grumpy and irritable and take it out on people who don't deserve it and then i'm the one that gets upset because i'm being so impossible and i frustrate myself.

it's super fun sounding, i know.

but in all seriousness, i need some routine and stability back into my life and that's starting with this new job i got going on. set hours are good for my brain. i'll get myself back soon, i just have to re-figure out who winter-time-natalie is because that girl is always a foreign being to my old summer self.

i want to watch a movie and cuddle with a boy and drink some hot apple cider. and that's what i have to say about that.

nathan and i climbed a mountain the other day. it's a long steep hike and it was so good for our bodies to be outside and moving. i often liken climbing a mountain unto living life, but it's also really similar to relationships. (mountain climbing is just maybe a metaphor for everything?)

except the more i think about it, the more i think it's true. life is hard and you have to work to get through the tough before you can appreciate the view and so it is with relationships.

people are complex individuals and as such we are always growing and stretching and changing. and climbing a mountain with nathan was a trip that we took together in order to work towards the same goal: reaching the top of the mountain.

real relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies, and nathan and i have had our setbacks, but there we were - at the top of our mountain, sore from the steepness of the end of the hike and celebrating with a beer and a coconut water - but together. we make compromises and we help each other on up the mountain.

this time last year nathan was still in school, living two hours away from me and trading off weekend visits. words can't describe to you how very glad i am that he is here now and i get to see him every day. but with that move it brought a new mountain and we have had to adjust to being together almost all the time. i know sometimes i get cranky and impossible and he loves me anyway. and i'm really glad that i'm climbing this mountain with him.

i think sometimes i don't tell him how i feel often enough. talking with real mouth words is just more difficult for me than i like to admit. my words get all caught up in my throat and i don't honestly know how to get them out. but you guys, i am straight in love with this guy. and even though this weather is cold and it gets dark way to early and i get more irritated with some things than i should, i'm always glad to see his face and to be in his arms or sitting next to him on the couch at the end of a long day.


//i know this all of a sudden just turned into a kind of sappy love post, but i reserve the right to do that since this is my blog and all. hashtag sorry not sorry ;)

AROUND HERE LATELY

I think it is the fashion of summer to never turn out like I always imagine it will. I dream of long summer days with no responsibilities and more adventures than I can think up, and then what happens is school gets out and then people nag and nag and nag until I have another job because seriously, what adult takes three months off every year?

So I started working at Le Peep as a hostess and then I'll start managing again towards the end of this month. I jumped in head first the fourth of July weekend Thursday through Sunday when we were the busiest ever and I don't know what it is about having a job that makes me feel like all my freedom has been taken away from me, but it is what it is.

I wanted to take a vacation this summer. I wanted to road trip to a faraway land and spend some time on the coast, but you know, paychecks are apparently more important to everyone else but me. Money is the stupidest. (But let the record show that I really do like working at le peep and i have some of the best co-workers ever. i mean, if i have to work somewhere, le peep is probably one of the best places. just so you know.)

Hopefully I'll find myself on the river in the woods at least once this summer or I just might quit everything and become a hobo who lives on a train so no one can find me and make me become employed. I'm not sure why exactly I have this stance on working - probably because warm summer weather was made to spent laying in the sunshine down at the beach instead of inside a building, but not everyone seems to agree with that?

Anyway, moving on. (That was a great transition, I know. But also, I think it's been over a month since I wrote anything so here you go. I'm out of practice.)

June just seemed to kind of scoot by unnoticed. It rained a lot and people were bugging me to get a job too much for me to really just enjoy finally being out of school for the summer. Teaching is a tough profession and you work really hard during the school year that I feel there is some deserved time off once that final school bell rings the last day of classes.

Now, it's July and I've been a terrible blogger because I've been trying to live life. Working has kept me busy and when I wasn't herding people and keeping track of the wait list and directing customers to their tables, I was helping prepare for my brother's wedding. Mimi and I spent a whole Monday making mints and we had family in town and the Fourth and it was just what seemed like utter craziness that all climaxed last Friday night at 7 when the music started and we all walked down the aisle so my brother could marry the love of his life.

"The Best Day of My Life" by American Authors played over the PA system and my brother started off the procession with the officiant by heading down the aisle. I followed him with my arm linked to a good friend and the rest of the wedding party followed after. We danced down the aisle to the music, setting the tone for what was going to end up being the funnest wedding I've ever attended.

Standing up at the front, under the tree where my brother and his wife exchanged their vows, I didn't expect I was going to cry. I couldn't see Rylie, but I watched my brother through almost the whole ceremony. His lip quivered and his shoulders heaved and his voice quaked with all the pent up emotion one gets from taking a big life step. Their vows were so sweet and personal, their ceremony was simple and beautiful. I think one of the only traditional things that happened was that Rylie wore a white dress and they exchanged vows and rings, but everything else was just simply them.

They are going to be adventure buddies for life and they are going to make blanket forts and eat pizza and raise giant headed blonde chubby babies. And their home is always going to be filled with love - you could see it on their faces and you could hear it in the voices and you could watch it in the way they interacted. They might be young, but they're smart and we are just all so happy to have Rylie as part of our family.

Once the ceremony ended the music started up and we ate angel food cake, mints and fruit until we couldn't eat any more. And then we mingled and we dance and we had a giant nerf gun fight where the best man kidnapped the bride and held her for honeymoon fund ransom (a family tradition). Jimmy and Rylie got married under a huge tree with lights hanging from it and once the sun went down that's where they had their first dance. Rylie's cousin sang "I can't help falling in love with you" and I think everybody cried.

But I'll tell you, my favorite part of the whole evening was when Nathan danced with me under the tree. One of his hands was on my back, the other hand holding my own, my cheek pressed against his chest, the sky was starting to get darker, and the moon was huge over the lake. We were talking about silly things, existing in our own little world. I looked just passed Nathan and saw my parents dancing, much the same way we were. And it kind of made me happy for the way things are right now.

How often I find myself caught up in the hecticness of life and I forget to take a step back and be content with where I am now. This life is the only one I've got, it's my only shot down here on Earth and I will be sad if I am one of those old ladies who looks back on her life and only wishes that she'd paid attention to the 'here and now' more often than not.

Consequently, I don't have a lot of photos from the evening because I chose to leave my cell phone in the bridal suite instead of carrying it with me everywhere like a tumor. But it helped me to be living in the moment more, and to enjoy who I was with and where I was and what I was doing. It helped me to be able to focus on talking with my family, pestering Nathan and being there for my brother and sister-in-law.

We sent them off just before ten o'clock and waved good bye as they headed off to their road tripping honeymoon to start their life as adventure buddies forever.

(Also, since I know you're curious, here are some pictures of the wedding I stole from Facebook.)

rehearsal dinner

dancing down the aisle

ceremony and first kiss!

me and my favorite guy ♥ 

first dance under the lights

yes, that is the moon.

AND INTO THE SUMMER WE GO

So, June huh? I mean, where does the time go? I remember when summers used to take forever to get here and now it's like I blinked and here we are! Sunshine and all!

The end of this school year is pretty bittersweet for me and also really irregular. Granted, I'm only a year in so regular isn't really my area of expertise, but there's been some crazy things that have happened to me in the last week. So.

I keep writing dumb posts and then deleting them because words just seem to not be my friend lately. However, it looks to me that if I write a billion really stupid ones, I'm sure to find a winner in there somewhere. And well, I guess here we are? I mean, we'll find out one way or another because either you'll read this or you won't.

Anyway, moving on.

My classroom is empty, the chairs are all stacked and art supplies are all boxed up for next year's students to wreak all sorts of havoc with. I sat in front of my computer today, after a long couple of hours of collaboration with the other two art teachers for the district and there's potential for me to just move to the other school instead of being completely out of a job. God will provide something, I just know it. Mostly because something always shows up right when I need it most.

I'm a bit wishy washy between wanting to continue teaching and wanting to try something else. Looking back at how this year went, and how a majority of the time I would come home and wish I could just give it all up as I cried in the shower, and then! You know what happens? I buy a yearbook to commemorate my first year teaching and those stinking little brats filled it all up with words of love and encouragement that I will find something else and that they'll miss me to pieces and that I'm their favorite teacher or that I helped them get through some pretty rough stuff in their lives and well, shoot. Just tug on my feels a little harder, will you?

One of the things that cost me the opportunity to be re-hired is my lack of self confidence. Admittedly, I struggle in this area a lot and even though I try not to let it show, it's just one of those things. I have abilities way beyond what I give myself credit for, and you know, self confidence will improve with experience in my profession. But those yearbook entries, dude. It's an incredible self confidence boost. I never set out to affect that many people or to impact that many lives. I just showed up to work and made geeky, nerdy jokes about art and asked my students how their day went and what they did for the weekend. I know I'm not the traditional teacher, and sometimes I get a lot of flack for that from other teachers in my building, but as long as the kids are learning the kids and are happy, then I guess it doesn't matter.

So now I'm going to take my summer and paint my heart out. Maybe start an etsy shop to sell some event and holiday cards. And write more articles about lots of different things. Basically, just do whatever the heck I want to because I can. This is my life and I'm going to live it.


(pictures of my busy life, in chronological order...or at least I think they are...)

Nathan's graduation! 

i got a tattoo touch up and addition. the birds really needed to be fixed.

dress fitting and bridal shower for my lovely soon to be sister in law!

(a month and two days away, butwhoscounting)

first day of school selfie and last day of school selfie

aaaaand daniel graduated! to the kid we wondered if he ever really would make it all the way through, i give you a hearty congrats. i can't believe that you're old enough to be graduated from high school, or more likely, that I'm old enough for you to have graduated from high school ;) 

SPRING BREAK PART TWO

Let's talk about the last half of my spring break, shall we? Because it's almost over. Those precious hours of freedom are starting to dwindle...and I know I should be feeling ready to go back and maybe even excited, but I'm just so totally not. Teaching is exhausting. Is it summer yet?

And also, this week. I have been a bit of a grump practically all week long I think, and poor Nathan has put up with it like a champ. There are so many reasons why I like this boy, and just, you guys. He treats me with love even when I'm pouting like a toddler.

This week I learned something about myself, and also got a billion more reasons to be really happy with the relationship I have with Nathan.

First, let's talk about a friend I have. I met up with her for a short amount of time this past week to exchange some articles of clothing and chat about life since we hardly see each other anymore. She was having some issues with the man in her life. They were some similar challenges to things I had experienced in my previous relationships. These things they were dealing with, in my opinion, are things of an immature nature.

While I was listening to her talk about their argument and subsequent resolution it made me incredibly grateful that I don't have to deal with those kinds of things with Nathan. It also made me realize that I have a much more mature relationship than maybe I'd realized.

I don't often get upset with my boyfriend. We don't really fight. I don't think I've ever yelled at him, nor had him yell at me. I can count the times I have been mad at him on one hand and I don't even use all the fingers.

This weekend I was a total grump with him though. It was the first week that Elder Scrolls Online had been released and Nathan used his free time to play that stupid game instead of hang out with me for the first three days it was out.

Hence all those movies that I watched. (Which was nice, but, you know.)

It made me remember what it was like to be second rate to a video game. I dealt with that a lot with Matt. He made me feel really insignificant and incredibly unimportant in comparison to his video games. I was often left to my own devices while he spent hours upon hours in front of a TV screen, mad at the lag or the cheating players or the computer. Something was always upsetting him, and if I was there trying to talk to him then I became something else to be mad at. Consequently, we fought all the time and my self worth went down the toilet (for a lot of reasons).

So I spent a fair chunk of this week reliving what that hell felt like, although Nathan's reactions towards me are so vastly different than Matt's. Which is just another reason that Nathan is so much better for me than I could have imagined.

When Matt would vomit words of hate in my direction and focus all his attention on the game at hand, I would go into another room and hide from him. As a confrontation loathing introvert, this was the only appropriate response I could think of. He would also never come looking for me. Nathan has never ever spoken to me the way that Matt would, but still, in his hours of completing quests I would retreat to other rooms in the house. I had given up going somewhere else for my spring break in order to spend time with my favorite man and he was favoring the computer, so it really hurt my feelings. I am pretty horrid at talking about how I feel, so naturally, hiding was the thing to do. Old habits, I suppose.

But he would come to find me. And he would kiss me on the cheek or the forehead or whatever part of my head he could reach based on what position I was in and he would ask me to come back into the other room and sit by him because he missed me. The fact that he would seek me out means more to my damaged psyche than he will probably ever know.

I didn't always go though, because I am a brat. Also because my love language is quality time and I need your undivided attention for a little while in order for my love cup to be filled. Just sitting next to me on the couch in the same room while we are both doing two different things will only hold me over for so long before I start to poke you, tickle you, hit you with a pillow or do other annoying things in oder to get attention because I'm probably only four years old on the inside.

Yesterday and today Nathan hardly touched his game. We went on a run, we went out for sushi, we watched Beauty and The Beast, we went to the mall, and we kicked the soccer ball around in the backyard. It was much nicer and way more enjoyable for me than sitting on the couch watching old movies while he's on the computer.

Call me old fashioned, but when did technology start being the priority over human interaction?

I'm glad that this week is a rarity. That it's not always only video games all the time. I'm glad that I have a guy who treats me like he loves me even when I'm throwing an introvert's version of a temper tantrum. And I'm also really sad this week is over. I really like having that guy around - video games and all.

SPRING BREAK PART ONE

Is it just me or did April 2014 get here alarmingly fast? I feel like just yesterday Nathan kissed me a happy New Year in the parking lot and now here we are! The middle of Spring Break! I usually go somewhere pretty cool for my spring breaks...like San Diego and Phoenix. Last year I went to Houston. This year I just stayed in Idaho, though.

Not a bad gig, since I get to hang out with that Nathan kid all week. It's pretty rad stuff.

He has been going to school and doing homework and playing Elder Scrolls Online (because he is the nerdiest). So basically what that means is I have been watching a borderline inappropriate amount of Disney movies. The old good ones. On VHS. OH YES.

I started with Lilo and Stitch (which was on Netflix, not VHS. I KNOW.) But that was just the beginning. Nathan has this closet in his dungeon basement full of old video cassettes. I was in elementary school Natalie's heaven in that closet.

After some Lilo, it was time for The Lion King. And you guys, this is how I know that Nathan is the perfect guy for me. Okay, we are having a conversation about something that I don't remember and I asked him a question and he answers through closed teeth "I'll show you when we get there." And if you don't understand why that is such a great thing, go watch the Lion King. Like, rightnowthissecond. I'm pretty sure we both sang along to all of the songs in this movie.

Then I put in 101 Dalmatians. Now, I love me some 101 Dalmatians. It was my absolute FAVORITE Disney movie when I was younger. I had Dalmatian sheets, a Dalmatian birthday cake, a Dalmatian quillow, Dalmatian stuffed animals, and I watched that movie probably six times a day. You only wish I was exaggerating. And while we're watching this movie and picking up on the adult humor you never catch as a child, Nathan remarks "This movie is so much better now!" (I tell you. This guy. He is constantly scoring all sorts of points with me. Will he ever stop being cool?)

When the Dalmatians had all been rescued, I put in Charlotte's Web. I used to walk around the house pretending that I was Fern. I'd say things like "Mama, where's Papa going with that axe?" And I would bring in an empty easter egg basket and act as if I had just collected eggs from our non existent chickens. I mean, talk about an over active imagination here. I had a glorious childhood. But I have to admit that Charlotte's Web is maybe not as good to watch as an adult...had I not been so attached to it as a child then I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much, if you know what I mean.

The next day, while Nathan was in class I watched everybody's favorite Mary Poppins. Which I think was made even sweeter since I have watched Saving Mr. Banks. (Which, if you haven't seen that movie, then it's another one that you have-to-need-to-no-excuses watch it as soon as humanly possible. Just, yes. Just do it.)

Since I watched my favorite Disney movie, I had to put in Nathan's. So the next movie on the list was Aladdin. Growing up, I didn't watch this movie. But Nathan knew all the songs and sang along, which was really funny for me and kind of made the whole movie more enjoyable. Also, I mean, the genie. That Robin Williams guy is one of my favorites.

And to round it out, I finished up with Anastacia. I give her a ha! and a hi-yah! and a woo-hah! and then I kick her, Sir! I hadn't watched Anastacia since I was eleven, so it was like watching an entirely new movie.

Right now, Nathan is with a team of students presenting a new product so I am taking a break from the reliving of my childhood. We will pick it back up though, probably with Beauty and The Beast. Nathan told me I couldn't watch that one until he was done with homework and everything so that he could actually sit and watch it. I think this is beyond hilarious. Isn't it usually the other way around here? HA.

So even though I didn't go somewhere exotic and I've been playing second fiddle to Nathan's computer, it hasn't been so bad. This is only the halfway point, too. Much more awesomeness to follow, I'm sure.

Plus, you know, hot tubs and boyfriends and well, the sun is shining now! THE SUN IS SHINING!

FOUR YEARS AND CHANGE

In the year 2010 in the month of March, I lost my grandfather.

Well, I guess I didn't lose him, I mean, I know where he is. But he's not here. It's hard to believe that it's been over four years since I've heard his voice or felt his arms around my body, enveloped in a tight squeezing hug.

Sometimes I get really sad about it, and I don't know that I can figure out exactly why. I'll just find myself thinking about him and wishing that I had been given the opportunity to really get to know him. I feel robbed, is the word that most accurately describes my emotion I think.

I suppose I'm lucky, though. I do have three remaining grandparents. I also don't know what it's like to lose a parent, a pain that I can't even fathom if I try my hardest.

Actually, this was probably the first real tragedy I had experienced in my life. I remember coming back from dinner and finding my phone in my dorm room with six missed calls from my father. I was wearing a purple shirt. With a pounding heart I called him back and then subsequently collapsed onto the bed in tears, phone in hand, dad still on the line.

Parkinson's disease is cruel. It affects the motor cortex of the brain, thereby affecting their ability to walk and talk. There are a plethora of other ugly things that come along with it and the medication prescribed to help handle it, but it's a slow moving disease and unfortunately for me I don't remember the early years of the Parkinson's - before it had taken its toll on my grandpa.

Now I'm left with stories and pictures of a man I desperately wanted to get to know. He was almost always happy, with a very sweet and caring disposition. I know a lot of times people tend to glorify someone after they die, making them seem more amazing than they actually were. But I really don't believe that's the case here. And that's part of why I'm upset that I only got to know him for so short of a time period.

Nineteen years is not nearly long enough, especially when you live in two separate states. But at the same time, nineteen years is better than no years at all.

Love you, gramps.♥

THINGS I DID THIS WEEKEND

This weekend was deliciously amazing. I didn't do anything too spectacular, but I know a good weekend when I see it. 

Friday afternoon I went to the art gallery slash music building on the University of Idaho campus to see if my students won any awards in the high school art competition. One of my students received an honorable mention. And just, holy goodness I was so proud. Maybe I am a real teacher after all? But I was thrilled beyond measure, like, words cannot describe. I felt like a little kid who was just handed their favorite candy bar and even though it wasn't even my candy bar I jumped up and down all the way back to the car. 

And Saturday we just watched Game of Thrones basically all day. Which, I mean, I hated Game of Thrones when all the boys started watching it a while ago. But I'm starting to change my mind. Not being surrounded by college aged boys in a living room where there aren't enough seats for everyone definitely helped make the experience more enjoyable this time around.

Plus, this morning I had red velvet pancakes. Oh yes. 

But I realized something when I got back to my apartment today. The beginnings of my years are always hard and I kind of expected this year to be that way too. But it hasn't been, not in the way that I had anticipated. Anyway, I was thinking about what made last year so tough (the break up) and that this same weekend but in 2013 was the weekend that Nathan drove up to see me because I had posted this and he realized that maybe he didn't want me out of his life forever. 

So high five Nathan for having a good same weekend a year later. You're seriously my favorite. ♥

this is my valentine's bouquet. i stinkin love it.

GO HAWKS AND 5 REASONS NATHAN ROCKS

A lot happened this weekend. The Seahawks won the Super Bowl! Hashtag whaddup! And Nathan turned 24! Hashtag headedtotheoldfolkshome.

I remember when the Seahawks were in the Super Bowl last time about a million years ago and they lost to the Steelers. I remember rooting for the Steelers with my dad just because Mom was born and raised to love the Hawks and if we are anything in this family it's ornery.

This time we went to a Super Bowl party to watch the game with a bunch of our friends from church and it was glorious. (We were Hawks fans this time, because, well. Why not?) My sister made these awesome cupcakes and frosted them to look like grass with piped 12s and field goals and footballs. She's seriously a baking rockstar.

But if we rewind a little bit, Saturday was that Nathan guy's birthday. We went out for pizza and got drinks downtown afterward. And then we played a couple of games of pool. I don't know if you know this, but we are terrible at pool. One time Nathan and I tried to play a game, just the two of us, and it was probably 20 minutes into the game and neither of us had sunk a ball in a pocket. Talk about embarrassing, right?

It's funny to me how when you meet certain people sometimes you have no idea how important they will become to you. I first met Nathan at a party at his old apartment in the summer of 2011. I went with a friend who knew Nathan really well and I didn't know anyone. I don't think I really talked a lot at first, and Nathan had a girlfriend at the time so I didn't really think much more than "well, he seems like a nice guy." This is actually the same party that I met Jordan at, so. Funny.

But then life happened and Jordan and I broke up and Nathan and his girlfriend parted ways and through a smattering of other people we eventually ended up together. You guys, there is no one I'd rather be with than him. And here are five reasons why: one, he cares. A lot. About everyone. He's probably one of the most caring people that I know. Two, he makes me laugh. Sometimes he does the most ridiculous and obnoxious things and it's just so funny. Like the first time he made me play Dinner Lady Arms by The Darkness in the car on the way home from the mall and whenever I need to laugh I just picture him car dancing and singing every single word over-enthusiastically because really, comedic gold. Three, he pushes me to be a better person. To stay healthy and exercise. To learn new things. To keep working to obtain my goals. To be the best me that I can be. Four, he's very smart. He's probably the smartest guy I've ever dated. And sometimes it catches me off guard because I'm used to being the smart one in a relationship. Five, he's driven. He wants to accomplish big things in life. He's not going to settle for second best, I don't feel like. Whether it's music or school, he's ambitious in his goals for life. And I think that's really important, because if you don't set life goals then you don't go anywhere.

So, happy birthday to one of the best guys on the planet. You're my best friend, adventure buddy, and partner in crime. I love you to the moon and back. ♥

SECOND SEMESTER

We have just entered into the second semester of the year here at school. And you guys, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I am starting to feel like an actual teacher.

With the changing of the semester came a new group of students. Most of my classes are made up of the same students, but I have a fair amount of fresh meat to work with as well. Honestly, I was nervous about this change over. I didn't want to lose some of the students that I loved and I certainly wasn't looking forward to meeting new students. In my head were thousands of worst-case scenarios. Are these students going to be well behaved? Is it going to be a battle to get them to do what I say? What if they are mean and I have to send them out of the room?

Thankfully I can sit here and tell you that none of those things happened. Granted it's still just the first week, but so far, so good. What I didn't really realize before the end of the first semester was that this new semester was going to bring with it a chance to re-do some of my classroom policies that didn't work out so well during the first semester.

I started out mean, you guys. I have been very strict this week, especially with my fifth period class because it's my largest amount of students in my smaller room. I am trying to be scary and make some of them think this isn't going to be a fun class or an easy class. So far none of them have left - but they are all seemingly very well behaved. (Watch, after I publish this they are going to become crazy monkey and I will have to retract my statements. HA.)

It has been good for my soul, though. Reiterating cleaning policies and warm-up drawing policies has been good for everyone and it's helping my classes to run smoother as well. Actually, I have quite enjoyed this first week of newness so we'll see how long this nice feeling lasts. I'm not behind on lesson planning or grading yet, so my anxiety level is real low. It's good. It's real good. I've needed this.

And I am so very glad it's Thursday. Tomorrow I am heading to M-town because it's Nathan's birthday weekend! Yay!

Also related to Nathan but not quite is the amazing fact that this is the first January in three years that there hasn't been a breakup post on my blog. Also, you have no idea how nervous I am about saying that because there is one more day of January before it's officially official. But you know, it's not that I believe Nathan is going to break up with me tomorrow - it's just that when it's happened to me every January for three years in a row there is this part of my brain that hangs on to that nervousness even if I don't want it to. It's like I've been slightly on edge all month and I will be glad once it's finally February. Isn't that completely silly? But that's my life.

So, changing the subject, happy Thursday everyone!

 this sweater is older than i am. just so you know.

i found the perfect valentine for nathan :)  

NOT SO GREAT EXPECTATIONS

The difference a year makes can be so outrageous, right? Last year at this time I was in such a different place. I was still riding the graduation high and working in the library. I was reading books, supervising basketball games during lunch and keeping the computer lab neat and organized.

I was dreaming about what it would be like to be an art teacher and wondering where my life would take me. Possibilities were really endless, which was also incredibly scary. I tried so very hard to be brave and take it one step at a time.

And then, this same weekend last year, a huge bomb was dropped on me. It made for an exciting roller coaster of a year - but not nearly as enjoyable as a real roller coaster. In fact, it kind of sucked. But I held my head up and I put one foot in front of the other and I kept moving forward.

Eventually everything righted itself, but it took a lot of time. And while I was in the midst of the turmoil, Valentine's Day happened. (Which, if you're new around here you might not know that it is my absolute without a doubt least favorite holiday in the history of ever.) And a couple days ago when Nathan brought up the fact that Valentine's Day was soon, my chest got a little tight.

He says "UHH OHHH. Valentine's Day is coming up!!"

Oh yes, I am fully aware of this, seeing as how it is a day that I loathe with insurmountable passion. Valentine's Day is supposed to be special, but no one has ever made me feel that way. And I'm such a grump about it that I don't do anything for myself either because, obviously.

When Matt and I were still dating we were incredibly poor. We were first year college students and going out to dinner or buying gifts was a little beyond our resources. So instead of doing little things we just did nothing. Totally lame. And our second Valentine's together was equally horrible. We exchanged small gifts and I think that was it. It was basically the stupidest, in my opinion. And then the next year we had broken up in January, so it was an even worse Valentine's Day because I was still pining away at this boy who had broken my heart.

The Valentine's Day after that happened right after Jordan and I parted ways. I spent it in Pullman helping the kids at church make some cute little cards with foam letters and kissy lip stickers. And then I probably went home and watched Netflix with my roommate.

Last year, I think, made me hate Valentine's Day even more that I already had. Nathan had just broken up with me making that the third January in a row I had been dumped. I wanted to punch Valentine's Day in the throat and become my own version of Miss Havisham. I wanted to kick every mushy lovestruck couple I saw and burn all of the romantic movies I owned. Love was stupid.

All I wanted was someone to take me out to dinner, buy me some flowers and tell me they loved me. I didn't really care who did it, but I think all that really happened was that I cuddled with my dog and watched movies.

This year I don't really know what to expect. Nathan asked me if there was anything I wanted to do for Valentine's day, but I didn't really know what to say. I'd love to have someone (read: not me) plan a really cool date where all I have to do is show up, look pretty and have a fantastic time. But then I worry about all the other people that are going to be out celebrating and will there be anything to do that's not already all booked and what if it just turns out to be this huge disappointment because I was expecting something awesome and it never happened. There's a lot of pressure there, you know?

So I'm trying to not have expectations built up in my head. I'm trying to resign myself to the idea that even if all that happens is staying in and watching movies that I will be okay as long as I actually get to be next to Nathan instead of in a different town.

\\\
(But if I'm being honest, I really want to be surprised. No pressure, babe.)

AUTHENTICITY

2013 was kind of a mess for me, I would like to think. This whole being an adult thing about life is way harder than anyone can ever tell you and not in the ways that you would think. We all know that as we age we are expected to pay bills, move out of our parents' houses, and get big-person jobs. Our childhoods are all about preparing for that part of life - we all know it's coming.

What we don't expect are the changes in relationships, the small adjustments in how you express yourself and the way that you make decisions. I've realized that not only does the relationship you hold with your parents change with the coming of new years, but also the ones you have with your siblings. As children you protect each other from bullies, bicker about who gets to sit in the front seat of the car, pout when one of them won't share their new toy, etc, etc. And in growing up, you go from fighting over the last chicken nugget to living in completely different states.

This next year is going to be full of so many more changes for me that I can't even begin to tell you all of them. Some of them I have no idea are coming (because who can see into the future, amiright?) and some of them I am already planning on how to deal with.

Daniel is going to graduate high school this year. He's going to move to Arizona to go to a trade school and become a certified mechanic. I can't even believe it, you guys. This boy! He is probably one of my favorite people on the planet - so caring and nice. Helpful and sweet and he has the heart of a servant. He's also incredibly mischievous and a wee bit evil sometimes, which just makes me love him even more although I sometimes kind of hate him too. Brothers, you know?

And in July, Jimmy and Rylie are tying the knot. These two are so perfect for each other it's not even funny. I'm so happy that they are going to be together forever, let me just tell you. When Jimmy and I were little, he was my adventure buddy. He was my partner in crime. We would do everything together from climbing trees and hay bails, to riding our bikes without holding the handlebars, to jumping out of second story windows.

I was excited for him to go off to college and begin growing up, but I was unprepared for the way that we would change. We are still definitely brother and sister and it really shows when we're together and still hold conversations solely in movie quotes, but we also interact a lot differently now too. I suppose that is to be expected, but it still catches me off guard. This little blonde headed chubby baby brother of mine is now a man with the most precious fiancé. Instead of me and him against the world, it's him and her. And she is just perfect for the job too, I couldn't have found someone better suited to keeping my mouthy brother in line if I had tried.

2014 is also the year that I will finish up my first year of teaching and start my second. Student teaching is all good and fine and things, but being the actual teacher is so much more work than you are ever going to be prepared for. It's a constant battle to keep my head above the water and I'm always on my tip toes. I hear the water level goes down with the more experience you gain, so I'm looking forward to that I suppose.

I have been blessed with some amazing students and I've formed some good working relationships with a few of my co-workers. It's still tough being the baby and the newby but life goes on. It always goes on.

Nathan will graduate from the university in May and I have no idea what's going to happen after that. Which, admittedly, is both terrifying and exhilarating to me. When we first started dating I feel like it was very surface level attraction. I liked him, he liked me, but I moved and I didn't know how long we would keep up the long distance. And then in January my suspicions were answered when he pulled the plug on our little relationship.

What exceeded my expectations though, was the fact that he came back around in March and worked very hard to fix what he had broken. I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him mine. Sometimes I just look at him from across the room and it's hard to believe that we are where we are. Together. Us against the world. We have climbed mountains with each other. We've come so far, and our journey is not over yet. I can't wait to see what this new year holds for us. As individuals and as a couple.

And in other news, no new year's resolutions for this girl again this year. But instead, I have a word. Two years ago I picked the word "explore" (which was awesome) and last year I picked "courage" (which was decidedly not awesome). This year my word is authentic.

Your 20s are about defining who you are, and so that is my goal. This year I will turn 24 (a fact that I can hardly believe) and so I'm learning to make my way in this world as a grown woman. I want to be authentic to myself, no extra smoke and mirrors, nothing to get in the way of who I am. I want to be able to let the stress go and just take life one day at a time as myself - whoever that is. I want to discover authenticity in relationships and my job and all over my life. It's important to be true to who you are and to who God is calling you to be. I know this year will have its ups and downs and I'm not about to go making promises that 2014 is going to be the best year ever. But I do believe that 2014 is going to be a good one, or at least I hope so.

So, new year, let's do this. Hit me with your best shot.

A RE-POST OF SORTS

This guy right here, folks.

He's the weirdest. And I mean that in the highest form of endearment you can possibly imagine. I think he might be weirder than me.

He may not be perfect, but he's mine. And I couldn't be happier.

Stephanie posted about what she's looking for in a guy and then Alana did the same thing. I wrote this post a while back, right after Jordan and I broke up. I went back and re-read it today and thought I'd share. It had been a while since I've read this and I kind of forgot what exactly I wrote, but I kept nodding my head checking off how many things on my list Nathan has. I must have done something right ;)

\\//

Valentine's Day is probably by far my least favorite holiday. When I've had a boyfriend on V-Day it was always "do we celebrate? do we ignore? we're too poor to go out..." and it was frustrating. And when I've been single, everyone loves to show off their wonderful relationships. A lot of my friends are married too and all I see on Facebook is "OH EM GEE HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! AND CHOCOLATE! AND HE'S THE BEST EVER!" And I just want to gouge my eyeballs out.

I know that God has someone out there for me who is perfectly planned to fit into my life seamlessly and that I am perfectly planned to fit seamlessly into someone else's life as well. And I'm fully aware that I am waiting for God's perfect timing. I will not be sorry that I waited for this wonderful man.

I wrote out all of the things that I want in a guy, because I spent all yesterday thinking about it.

I want someone who's not afraid to run wild with me. I want someone who will hug me when I'm mad, hold me when I'm sad and love me when I'm whiny. I want someone who is excited to wake up next to me every morning and kiss my face hello. I want someone who couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else ever. I want someone who gets my humor and laughs at my jokes. I want someone who encourages me to be myself, who instills confidence and boosts my self esteem. I want someone who thinks I'm beautiful in every way imaginable. 

I want someone who is motivated, intelligent, funny, silly, godly, loving and caring. I want someone who will strive for what he wants in life. I want a leader, a bodyguard, a tough guy with a tender soul. 

I want a guy who's not going to give up or get gone. I want someone faithful, honest, and sticks around. I want someone who will pick me over all the other girls. I want someone who I just know has to be a gift from God. I want someone adventurous and outdoorsy. I want someone who knows what he's doing or at least acts like it. I want someone who will take good care of me.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be seen with me in public. I want someone who will show me off to the world and brag about how awesome I am. And I want someone that I can say all those same things about too. I want someone who loves me more and more and more the longer he is with me. And I want him not to be afraid to show it.

And someday I'm going to have that. And it will be awesome. And the stuff dreams are made of. And it will be work. Love is a choice, a commitment, a way of life - not just a feeling. But I want it so bad. I want to be loved so bad that sometimes it hurts to watch everyone else be so happy.

But you know what? I am glad to be in the place that I am right now. At least I'm trying to be. I'm here for a reason, single for a reason. I think I have to get to a place where I am fully accepting of how life is right now and that will only come through praying and relying on God to make the best choices. Because when you try to take control, things just get messy. It's always better when you put your troubles in God's hands. He always knows exactly what to do.

THE WEEKEND HAPPENINGS

Well you guys, it's Monday. I feel like Monday...if Monday was a feeling. And I may or may not have hit the snooze button two or three times more than I should have this morning...you'll never know. However, I don't feel like I stayed up abundantly late last night, just that I'm more exhausted than normal like, all the time these days.

It should be mandatory for schools to require nap times. Or to make weekends three days long and the weekdays only four. Mondays should be transition days, that one extra day between the weekend and the start of the week. Right?

But anyway, this weekend. Yes. Big things happened this weekend. My sweet grandmother turned 80 (what. up!), I spent time with Nathan (he is my faaaavorite!) and my little brother got engaged to the sweetest girl on the planet (woop woop!).


Nathan bought me copic markers for my birthday and I subsequently spent the next half hour testing them out. Nerrrrrrrrrrd. But seriously, I don't know the last time I was that truly excited over a present. (Thanks babe! I love you!) 


They are adorable, right? Right. SO EXCITED for them. And a wee bit jealous in obligatory unmarried old sister fashions. But mostly just so excited!

And now today we're entering into the third week of school. We are starting to settle into routines. We are starting to turn out some really cool projects. I know almost all of my students' names. It's so weird being the teacher and not the student. I mean, I get paid to show up at school everyday - who does that? Oh right. Me. I do that. And it's awesome.


these are some examples of student works. Zentangles have been such a freaking fun project to do with them all! What great results!

a shout out

Oh my gosh, where do I start?

I guess I could start with the first day that we met. It was a bleary January day, overcast and gray. I was sitting at a large table in the front of the classroom of my elementary art methods class with two guys who were high school art ed majors like myself and three slightly obnoxious sorority elementary ed majors. We were an...interesting group, to say the least.

Joel was hilarious and witty - which is something that I admire in other people and strive for in myself. Once, when our class went on a field trip to a bunch of different galleries around town I just palled around with him and the other high school art ed major, Mark. I don't think I did a lot of talking, but I thought the two of them were stinking funny. If memory serves me correctly, we all exchanged numbers at the end of that class period for strategic group project purposes and pairing myself up with them was a really smart decision on my part.

Talking about our shared interest in art and spending time working together on projects, Joel and I also discovered that we shared the same faith in an awesome and mighty God. I don't think it was until SVI and I split up tho that Joel and I really took our friendship a step farther. And by that I mean he dragged me to church with him and his incredibly awesome family and forced me to help him paint a mural. We spent a few late nights in front of a bright white brick wall that we were slowly transforming into a work of art confiding in each other our struggles and our triumphs.

Once I fully involved with the initial steps of helping to plant a church alongside Joel and all the new friends I made there, the adventures just kept coming. I took a step of faith and offered my services as the children's leader which was a new and exciting experience. I spent a lot of time painting, decorating, discussing curriculum, planking, dancing and eating delicious food.

Joel has turned in to one of my very best friends and no matter how hard I try to keep this post funny it always takes a turn for the serious. Which I think is a good representation of the relationship that I have with Joel. He's basically a comedic genius in my opinion, but then he's also chalk full of good Godly advice just when I need it most. It's hard to believe that this time last year we were both living in Moscow finishing up school and now we're both graduated and trying to move on to bigger and better things.

Some friends that you make in college are your school friends and once you leave town you all kind of move on to different things. Other friends you make in college will undoubtedly last for the rest of your life, and I believe that Joel and Mandy and their cute kids are going to be part of my life for years and years and years to come. They are the greatest. So there you go, a shout out to a really good friend.

Thanks for caring and for calling and for being there for me every step of the way. You have no idea just how important you guys are to me and how much I love you. There aren't good enough words in all the world to correctly express how grateful I am to have met you and spent time with you. And I can't wait until spring break when I finally get to come hang out with you all! 

explosion

I'm going to be real and honest in this post, so just be prepared.

I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared to give people the opportunity to let me down. I'm scared to trust God and have faith in the next steps He gives me. I'm scared that I'm so screwed up I'm beyond saving.

But then I'm just putting God in a box and saying "There's no way He's powerful enough to forgive me for what I've done" which is stupid, because He created me and this beautiful world I live in. I look back at all of the things that have happened in my life that cause me to believe that there has to be a god out there somewhere, but right now in my walk with Christ I feel pretty far away. Sometimes I wonder if He's really even there or if I'm just praying to the molecules of air floating around my bedroom.

My parents are wonderful examples of not only what it looks like to live a God-honoring life but also to have a God-centered marriage. They stick their fingers in my life and poke around because they care about me and about how I'm doing, even if sometimes I don't want them to. But here, where I live, they are really the only ones doing any sort of caring because no one cares about Natalie.

I'm so terrified that people aren't going to choose me over other things because that's how I've been treated in the past. I'm not really that important to other people - or so I've been made to feel. So I have a lot of issues with trusting people that happened before PC even met me. From those experiences I learned to just not give people the opportunity to let me down. Therefore when plans change I try to be more than accommodating. You can't come up for the weekend? No problem, I will come to you. You can't be here at this time? No worries, I'll figure something out. I just shoulder all of this responsibility because I don't want to find out if people would ever put their lives on hold for me. Because I am not that important and no one cares about Natalie.

Plus, I make myself believe that my struggles and my issues aren't as big as other people's problems. I tell myself that whatever I'm going through I can just suck it up and move on with my life because it's not that bad. Honestly I really feel like a lot of the things my friends deal with pale in comparison to the "dumb" things I go through. It's as if my problems aren't big enough to be considered problems and no one needs to know about them. Even now I'm reading this thinking to myself that I am being ridiculous and I am fine and it doesn't matter. I don't know if it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like a saint or something, because I'm not, that's just how I function. I have to work to convince myself that my feelings do matter and what I'm going through is not nothing. It's like I'm just out here floating in this sea of life and no one is there with an extended hand and a soy vanilla latte to rescue me. Life is hard and it's harder when you feel like you're facing it by yourself.

Friends don't come that easily to me, so the friends that I do have I would like to keep. I would do almost anything for my friends except give them the opportunity to be there for me. And I hardly ever open all the way up and talk about how I really feel about something. I'm so passive it's almost boring. Where do you want to eat? I don't care, wherever you pick I'll be fine. What do you want to do today, Natalie? I have no idea - whatever you want to do is okay with me. I'll be happy with whatever.

I don't know exactly why I have such a hard time saying that this is the place I want to eat at or this is the thing I want to do. I just don't want to impose something on another person that they won't enjoy and I have more fun when those around me are having fun as well. I never want to be burden to anyone, so I try hard to be this person who is always up for anything. Most of the time I truly am up for anything - I like to be adventurous. But I don't want to want something just to be disappointed. I got tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down, so I quit wanting things.

Getting my dog Charlotte and my macbook pro were probably the biggest surprises of my entire life simply because I had resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to have those nice things unless I bought them for me. I couldn't afford the macbook and I didn't know if I would have any way to buy the new computer that I needed any time soon. I gave up on Lottie because I didn't feel like I was in a good place to buy her. And for some reason, my parents got them for me anyway.

But unfortunately, things like that almost never happen to me. If ever I want something I have to go make it happen or nothing will come to fruition. Which, I suppose, isn't all a bad lesson to learn because you do have to work for things in life. Not everything is handed to you on a silver platter with a smile. And then I think about this job I have now too.

Working in the library was a position that was basically thrown into my lap. I couldn't have orchestrated it better had I tried. It's like God put me at this high school for a reason and he gave me a job there after my student teaching was finished. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here and what reason is behind me holding this job, but I'm glad to have it. The income is nice and it's good resume experience.

I just have to sit and wonder sometimes at why God put me here, in this geographic location, with these people, and through these experiences. I have messed up a lot and yet here God is, loving me and providing for me anyway and I repay Him by wondering if He's even there? But that is the honest truth, folks. Deep down inside I know He's around, I know He's there and I know He cares. At the same time though, I wrestle with trusting Him completely and letting Him show me the path I should take.

I'm frightened and fearful right now that He will call me to do something that I don't necessarily want to do at the moment. I know from experience that He always has the best in mind for His children and all I have to do is take the steps He puts before me.

Walking this journey isn't easy and sometimes it feels like it might just be easier to give up completely, but I can't do that. Instead I need to pray for guidance and discernment and that God will help me becoming willing to do whatever it is He asks me to do. Because whenever I try things without Him they are always messy, I mean, right now? Hello.

Change is not going to take place over night and I can't expect to wake up tomorrow with a completely new resolve about life and people and things in general, but I can make small adjustments that will eventually lead me to a bigger picture. I just have to be willing to do what's necessary to make the right decisions. I need to pray that God will help me find some friends here, some good friends who genuinely want to be there for me and who are closer in proximity. I'm not going to leave my current friends behind, but my relationship with them needs to evolve a little bit.

So in reality, it's not that no one cares about Natalie and it's not like I'm so messed up that God can't fix me, but I am broken and I am hurt and I am struggling to make Him my number one priority. I said this post was going to be honest, and this is how it is. I have trust issues that creep into my life more prevalently than I would like to admit. I need some friends who live closer to me than an hour and a half and I need some friends who love Jesus. Because, guys, I am lonely here in my parents' world. With the exception of my family, there is no one here who cares about Natalie - I mean who really cares. And before that can even happen, I have to quit jumping before people can show me that they are willing to come to me when I can't come to them. I have to give people the opportunity to take care of me instead of just telling everyone that I'm fine all the time. I'll get there someday, but it will take a lot of time and prayers.

So, my name is Natalie and now you know just how screwed up I am.

mission complete

I know it's a little early for an end of the year post, but I feel like it's as good of a time as any to throw out my favorite posts from this past year.

I wanted 2012 to be a good year because 2010 and 2011 kind of mostly sucked because of the drama that beheld them with a certain person in my life. But this 2012 thing, man. It has been twelve kinds of crazy and I have grown a lot from the events of this past rotation around the sun.

In January, SVI and I split ways and I got really involved in church, which was super fantastic and allowed me to build great relationships with awesome people.

February got me tatted up and thinking about the future.

March brought with it a few things, but my favorite part was spring break.

In April, I was super busy with the end of my semester and couldn't focus on really anything else.

I started the summer session in May and hung out with Tiger Lily a ton. I was also really excited for what was in store for me, but starting to realize that my time in Moscow was dwindling incredibly fast.

June was a monster. It was a tough month filled with a lot of transitions and also I started dating TheBoy.

There was a lot going on in July. I started a new job, decided to take a jump, and watched a lot of olympics.

August brought with it the start of my student teaching, and I forgot to blog about my birthday.

Life starting ramping up in September. School came into full swing, I learned massive amounts of pottery trying to stay one step ahead of my students, working with my amazing mentor teacher and making trips to Moscow to see TheBoy every other weekend.

There were lots of things that happened in October too. I think it was possibly the busiest month of my earthly existence. I had the TPA, and spoiled student, loads upon loads of paperwork and grading. I was teaching classes all by myself, subbing when my mentor teacher was gone, and trying to balance all of that with my home life as well. Sigh of relief once that was over.

November was another super tough month where I wrestled with things and feelings I'd never experienced before. And also made a decision that others didn't agree with - which was...interesting.

And then finally, December. I graduated from college (woop woop!), got a big girl job, got a macbook pro and a puppy from my parents, lots of nice things for Christmas and have been skiing to my heart's content.

So there you have it, folks. This year was about exploring myself and I think I accomplished that in ways I didn't know I was going to. A lot has changed and some of that makes me really sad and some of it makes me really excited about what's next. I'm starting to learn that even though years come and go, life never really stays the same even when you cross your fingers and your toes.