Saturday, April 28, 2012
There are two weeks left in this semester and that is scary. So much to do, so little time. In reality I will be perfectly okay and I'll make it just fine, but it's that impending sense of doom I can't shake, you know the one. I have to start writing things down because when I don't put them all in order visually they pile up in my brain and clog my thinking patterns and then I start to get anxiety which induces the urge to vomit and that would make no one happy.
The bottom line is that I know God is going to take care of me and that even though this next step of my life is a little freaky, I'm only nervous because it's the unknown. We are all afraid of what we don't know. Those pesky 'what ifs' conglomerate in your head and if you're not careful that's all you think about. What if I fail miserably? What if I'm a huge joke and no one takes me seriously? What if no one likes me? What if this is a big mistake?
I have to keep from going down that road, all it does is petrify me.
So I have to keep reminding myself that everything is going to be okay. Jesus loves me. I mean, he really loves me. When I think about how much He's done for me it makes me wish I could just run into his arms and never let go. Which is how I know that no matter what happens after this semester is over and I have to go student teach, I'm going to be fine. And after I graduate in December, I know that I'll be alright.
I flip flop between being nervous and excited for what is yet to come in my life. Thinking about money and bills and having to pay back my student loans overwhelms me, knowing that there is all this responsibility out there just waiting for me kills me. I'm not ready. I'm so wholly unprepared to take over my life. But at the same time, there is also all this freedom out there for me. I could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. And that excites me.
It's up to me to boldly go. Not necessarily where no man has gone before, but to just go. It takes guts to live, and well bet me if I don't have any. So yes, I'm scared to take that step and put myself out there and live my life, and at the exact same time I've decided to flip my fears the bird and be myself. Because I'm pretty awesome, and if my God is for me then who can be against me? He's got this covered, all I have to do is trust.
I have the courage to trust Him.