Wednesday, November 14, 2012

well hi there

The library is a place for grand adventure. All those books, you know? And yet, here I sit. In front of a computer screen. My right eyelid twitches off and on again, but rubbing it doesn't seem to help. I don't know what to write about anymore, but I feel like there's got to be something out there I can grasp on to. Something that could possibly hold my attention for more than two paragraphs.

Because lately, that's all the farther I get. Two paragraphs.

This library, this place of my existence for nearly two periods of the school day is a safe haven of sorts. It's quiet and friendly. It smells like old books, and I do love me some old book scent. It is a comforting smell in my crazy world. And let me just tell you, my world has been the craziest of the crazy without the whole ending up in a mental institution with a straight jacket and nervous tick. Although I'm probably only one meltdown shy of ending up there.

My students in first period have been the worst. I swear they are going to drive me to drink in the near future. With the throwing things and the crazy comments, you'd think I didn't know what I was doing. And maybe sometimes I don't. Confrontation is not my most favorite thing in the world, but I'll tell you what. I am learning. Be mean, they said. It'll help, they said.

Did I believe them? Not really. Is it true? You better believe it. Am I mean? Not nearly mean enough. But give me time.

It's not only the students that make me want to pull out all my hair though, it's definitely more than that. It's things like making decisions where no matter what choice you make someone will be disappointed. You really have to decide who you are willing to disappoint and who you aren't. What are you willing to risk and what is too important to put off. I suppose this is all a part of growing up, but sometimes things are harder than I think they will be.

I'm wrestling with something I've never struggled with before. Feeling like a failure, feeling unimportant, feeling like I'm no good, and feeling like no matter which way I turn I am wrong. It's almost as if I've been put in this maze filled with fire and you have to figure your way out of the maze while everyone is watching on the television and laughing at every choice you make.

Mostly I don't know what to do, so I just do what I think is correct. Sometimes people agree and sometimes they don't and that's something I'm learning to deal with. I can't make everyone happy. That's hard. But I do know how to make everyone mad. That's easy.

This year was all about exploring life, and well, I guess that means exploring the miserable along with the interesting. But I know that it's not going to be this way forever, and right now I'm just gonna put my head down and keep pushing through. That's about all I can do, I suppose.


  1. I can't even tell you how much I respect you and how much you encourage me. I'm praying for you. You can do this :) I'm sure of it.


  2. Praying for you Nat! I know those feelings a little too well, so I know how hard it can be... and frustrating too.


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