WHAT DOES WELL-FUNCTIONING EVEN MEAN?

This last week of school before break is somewhat torturous unto my soul. The kids are crazy and their little brains are focused on everything other than the task at hand, and I mean really, can you blame them? Not only is this week their last week before Christmas vacation, but it's also a Spirit Week before a big rivalry basketball game on Friday night. Gasps. My crazy little world just got even crazier.

And then there's the whole OH MY GOSH IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME going on here. I have a week to work with here, people, before there is present opening and monkey bread eating and my brother will be here with his cute little fiance in tow! Then we are all going skiing. And by "all" I mean the whole fam damily. My parents, both brothers, mah seester, mah future seester, and also me and that Nathan guy. I can hardly wait. Like, it might be killing me to wait for that trip. I am not even kidding.

But back to being at work for this week, look, it is tough stuff. I had a conversation with my awesome friend Joel over the telephone the other day, and hey, we agreed that this teaching stuff is pretty rough. He was making sure that I wasn't about to commit career suicide and I had to admit that the gun was maybe loaded, but it wasn't aimed at anything yet. This week is also not helping that case.

I keep telling myself we are just going to watch movies Thursday and Friday and that makes me feel a little better but I still kind of want to pull out all my hair. Kind of.

Oh but to briefly switch the subject, for those of you who were curious, I have slightly updated my wardrobe and that seems to be helping in the 'looks like 17 but is probably older' department. Although, spirit days and all have thrown a bit of a loop into the situation here. Hey, you can't win 'em all. But I'm trying. Wearing my hair pulled back seems to help too. Shoulder shrugs and heavy sighs.

My art room seems to be in a constant state of disarray and I feel like some deep seeded joke in the cosmos is reflecting that in my life as well. Everything is all over the place all the time. Do you ever feel like that? I mean, I conquered one thing (clothes!) and there are still a billion other things that need to be taken care of. It's just awesome, is what.

Also, this post I think is all over the place. Organization? What even does that mean? So here we are. It's definitely Wednesday. I need a glass of wine and a nap.

Over and out.







ps Nathan took me to see The Hobbit The Desolation of Smaug on Friday night. It was awesome. Even better than the first. And we saw it in 3D too. AMAZE-BALLS. Go watch it RIGHTNOW and you can thank me later.

well hi there

The library is a place for grand adventure. All those books, you know? And yet, here I sit. In front of a computer screen. My right eyelid twitches off and on again, but rubbing it doesn't seem to help. I don't know what to write about anymore, but I feel like there's got to be something out there I can grasp on to. Something that could possibly hold my attention for more than two paragraphs.

Because lately, that's all the farther I get. Two paragraphs.

This library, this place of my existence for nearly two periods of the school day is a safe haven of sorts. It's quiet and friendly. It smells like old books, and I do love me some old book scent. It is a comforting smell in my crazy world. And let me just tell you, my world has been the craziest of the crazy without the whole ending up in a mental institution with a straight jacket and nervous tick. Although I'm probably only one meltdown shy of ending up there.

My students in first period have been the worst. I swear they are going to drive me to drink in the near future. With the throwing things and the crazy comments, you'd think I didn't know what I was doing. And maybe sometimes I don't. Confrontation is not my most favorite thing in the world, but I'll tell you what. I am learning. Be mean, they said. It'll help, they said.

Did I believe them? Not really. Is it true? You better believe it. Am I mean? Not nearly mean enough. But give me time.

It's not only the students that make me want to pull out all my hair though, it's definitely more than that. It's things like making decisions where no matter what choice you make someone will be disappointed. You really have to decide who you are willing to disappoint and who you aren't. What are you willing to risk and what is too important to put off. I suppose this is all a part of growing up, but sometimes things are harder than I think they will be.

I'm wrestling with something I've never struggled with before. Feeling like a failure, feeling unimportant, feeling like I'm no good, and feeling like no matter which way I turn I am wrong. It's almost as if I've been put in this maze filled with fire and you have to figure your way out of the maze while everyone is watching on the television and laughing at every choice you make.

Mostly I don't know what to do, so I just do what I think is correct. Sometimes people agree and sometimes they don't and that's something I'm learning to deal with. I can't make everyone happy. That's hard. But I do know how to make everyone mad. That's easy.

This year was all about exploring life, and well, I guess that means exploring the miserable along with the interesting. But I know that it's not going to be this way forever, and right now I'm just gonna put my head down and keep pushing through. That's about all I can do, I suppose.