A BIG CHANGE

My life has been a little upside down these last couple of weeks. In the past, I've read those articles that say things like "10 Things to Remember When Your Twenties Don't Go As Planned" and stuff like that, and I've always thought to myself, well hey, I must be the exception and not the rule because so far I am rocking my twenties! I am an adult! Yay and things!

And then recently there was some overly dramatic craziness which ended in me apparently being the bad guy. It's a new feeling for me - this ostracizing atmosphere where I felt like a leper or maybe an axe murderer and everyone just kind of looked at me like all of Pride Rock stared at Kovu in The Lion King II. You know what I mean?

It's crazy how all the good you can do, and how hard you can work, and how much effort you can put in, and that it can all be undone by some workplace gossip. I haven't maintained a lot of friendships with girls over the years because I don't enjoy the drama that they can bring. Sure, I have some really good girl friends, but as a general rule I've learned that girls can be really mean and petty and sometimes for no really good reason at all. And that's kind of what I'm taking away from this situation I currently find myself in. Girls are just mean, and sometimes they are mean just because they can be.

So I've had a lot of time for introspection lately. A chance to take a step back and really evaluate my priorities. What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? And I've found some answers, some ways to use my God-given talents as an artist and designer.

It was my grandmother who introduced me to Spoonflower. She is an amazing quilter and knitter and author and fellow creative soul. She saw that Spoonflower was holding a fabric design contest and she encouraged me to be creative and enter. So I looked into it. And I created a couple of designs (that are now for sale!) and I entered a design in the Botanical Illustration Fabric8 contest.

It feels really good to be creating. It helps me calm down and relax when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. It reminds me that this is what I was meant to do. And actually, I am pretty good at it.

So I've been applying to jobs in the design field. And I've been working on creating some awesome fabric prints in my Spoonflower shop:

 

So far I have just two designs up for sale, but I am definitely working on more. And if there's any designs that you are looking for and can't find, let me know and maybe we can work together to create the kind of fabric you might need.

One of my good friends said to me that when he was fired from one of his past jobs, his whole world opened up for the best. So here's to things maybe falling apart so that better things can fall together. I really don't know where the future will take me, but I am excited to see what happens.

nobody likes you when you're 23

This weekend my house was filled to the brim with dogs and people. I like to think they were all in town for my birthday on Saturday. I turned 23 and I spent the day up on top of Schweitzer at Fall Fest with my favorite boy, our friend, my aunt and uncle who were in from out of town, and my family - minus Jim because he was too cool to drive over from Seattle (insert winky face).

The view from the top of the mountain was gorgeous and the hard cider and elephant ears weren't bad either. Plus, I'm pretty easy to please so I was just happy that everyone was here and that I didn't have to work. 

Birthday weekend celebration was in full swing yesterday too on the lake in a tube behind the boat. Every wave is a personal challenge and it takes quite a bit to throw me off into the water. The only downside I have found to this comes the next day when my shoulders and forearms scream at me every time I try to move them. Worth it.

And come tomorrow I will be walking into a classroom full of sarcastic teenagers who aren't ready to say goodbye to summer and hello to homework. It's so crazy that this time last year I was a student teacher and now I'm the one who's large and in charge. The world is not ready for me yet! I'm taking the education world by surprise. I will warp values! I will twist minds! All in the name art! Muahahahaha!

All in all though, as I look back through all of the things I have done this summer, it has been a good one. I started out in Honduras and then I spent time with Nathan. I went camping, I went to Silverwood and Boulder Beach. I went fishing. I went tubing. I cliff dived and jumped off a rope swing. I worked in a restaurant. I made new friends and caught up with old ones. I herded cattle in a truck. I took Daniel's senior pictures. I soaked in a hot tub underneath a sky full of stars. I went to the fair and ate elephant ears and jumped on a trampoline. I fell asleep to thunder and lightning. There were adventures galore. I'm not ready to see this summer off just yet, but I am excited to walk into my classroom tomorrow and start my first year of teaching.

I don't know what this school year is going to bring and I can't predict the challenges that will come my way, but I do know that this is going to be one of the greatest life adventures I will ever embark on. I am so happy that I have the family I do, that I have Nathan, that I have God watching out for me, and that I'm in the position I am in now.

I remember I used to wonder what it would be like to be 23. I wondered where I would be, what I would be doing, where I would live. I would have never imagined that I would be in a full time salaried position living in the same town where I grew up. God is so good and I am so blessed.

all my feels

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have a problem. I like to stuff my emotions down inside of me and pretend like they don't exist. Well, at least the "bad" ones anyway. And by that I mean emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, loneliness and a plethora of other negative adjectives. Truth be told, those feelings aren't "bad" at all, they're merely just feelings. We just don't like to feel them because they're not fun.

I don't like being angry. Anger and frustration make me feel ridiculous and it's hard to act with a cool head when you are experiencing a hot temper. I have said a lot of things I didn't mean when I've been angry, and I just got tired of it. So I stopped. I've watched how angry people act and I don't want to be that way. I've watched how others will react to anger, and it's just messy. No thank you, anger. See you later.

Instead, frustration reveals itself in my life with tears. Yelling makes me feel self conscious, so I just let the tears fall. I get lost and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the emotions I'm experiencing and I allow myself to become overwhelmed. Through the years I have discovered that talking helps, even if the person I'm conversing with doesn't really have anything to respond with. Just a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold are sometimes enough for me. Writing also helps me process, even more than talking might. I'm not looking for answers when I blog, just an outlet to spew all over the page and get everything out in the open.

But through a series of conversations with a counselor at church I've come to find out that the reason I cry so easily is because I don't deal with my feelings. I experience them for a little while and then I shove them down in this steaming pot inside of me. It bubbles and gurgles, but I just keep adding fuel to the fire. Right now I'm upset about the whole situation with TheBoy, and I don't know how long I'm allowed to be hurting. So instead of dealing with all the things this breakup has brought my way, I just put them in this pot and slap on a brave face.

I want to be mad, but I fluctuate back and forth on that matter. In a sense I can't be mad at him. He did what he needed to do for his mental health. And at the same time I'm so angry about it that I just want to punch something, but instead of heading into the woods and screaming at the trees, I just hold it in my abdomen and refuse to confront it. I want to yell and cry and throw things at him, but what good would that do anyone? He has enough on his plate, why add my feelings to the mix? 

And I'm sad. I'm so sad that this future I was starting to let into my mind disappeared. TheBoy would always include me in his future when he spoke about the things that might happen in distant months, even years sometimes. I was so hesitant to include him in mine though, because of what happened with PC. Slowly he started to insert himself into my life anyway. I would talk about future travels and he would often ask if he was included. It made me start to feel safe with him, it made me start to consider that maybe he was planning on sticking around after all. That's when I made my fatal mistake and let my guard down. 

In the end, he couldn't deal with the commitment right now. He didn't want to get hurt again. He doesn't want to feel the way that I feel right now. And who can blame him? Feeling heartbroken sucks. So I put on a smile and I go about my day like I'm fine. Like I'm getting over it. And I am, I think. 

I know from experience that these feelings will go away eventually, but that I have to feel them first. I just wish that skipping steps was possible, so that I didn't have to feel anger and frustration before I could experience acceptance. It's hard to go day to day trying to forget about someone that you let yourself care about an immense amount only to spend the whole night dreaming that you were back together. 

Knowing that he left the door open for the future makes it even harder. Especially because this whole thing was not my decision, but I'm left with having to figure out whether I keep that door open or shut it myself. When I confronted TheBoy about whether or not he left the door open on purpose he looks at me like I'm stupid (but not in a condescending way, if that's possible) and says "Well, yeah!" 

And but why? Why would he do that? You can't have a relationship breakup that is "permanent for now" - his words, not mine. You can't have your cake and eat it to, although I've noticed that's what a lot of guys want. So in reality, I have to shut this door in order for me to move on and be happy in my life. Is he just saying that so he can come back if he doesn't find anything better? Because I am not playing that game. As stuck up as it may sound, I'm awesome and I deserve to be with someone who thinks so too - not someone who thinks he has to "settle" for me. Not that I think this is necessarily how TheBoy feels, but right now it's hard to tell. Not even he knows what he wants at the moment, which is the reason for this breakup anyway. 

It's just unfortunate that there's so much baggage that comes up when two people decide to split. I decided to let TheBoy inside, knowing that this would be the consequence. Making yourself vulnerable to another person affords them the ability to walk away from you at any time and take a piece of you with them. Granted I haven't had many boyfriends, but TheBoy was the best one so far. I don't think I ever told him that, but it's the truth. And now it doesn't even matter. 

Just like my feelings. 

I'll wade through them. I'll journal and I'll process and maybe I'll even get the courage to sit in my car in an empty parking lot and yell at the steering wheel for days just to see if it helps me feel better. It's not only time that you need in order to heal, it's a will to move past all the things that have hurt you and a courage to face a new day with a heart that won't give up. 

I know that right now I have no idea what I want and that this next year will be full of life altering decisions. It's both insanely frightening and completely exhilarating at the same time. Although honestly I think right now I'm just more scared than anything. 

well hi there

The library is a place for grand adventure. All those books, you know? And yet, here I sit. In front of a computer screen. My right eyelid twitches off and on again, but rubbing it doesn't seem to help. I don't know what to write about anymore, but I feel like there's got to be something out there I can grasp on to. Something that could possibly hold my attention for more than two paragraphs.

Because lately, that's all the farther I get. Two paragraphs.

This library, this place of my existence for nearly two periods of the school day is a safe haven of sorts. It's quiet and friendly. It smells like old books, and I do love me some old book scent. It is a comforting smell in my crazy world. And let me just tell you, my world has been the craziest of the crazy without the whole ending up in a mental institution with a straight jacket and nervous tick. Although I'm probably only one meltdown shy of ending up there.

My students in first period have been the worst. I swear they are going to drive me to drink in the near future. With the throwing things and the crazy comments, you'd think I didn't know what I was doing. And maybe sometimes I don't. Confrontation is not my most favorite thing in the world, but I'll tell you what. I am learning. Be mean, they said. It'll help, they said.

Did I believe them? Not really. Is it true? You better believe it. Am I mean? Not nearly mean enough. But give me time.

It's not only the students that make me want to pull out all my hair though, it's definitely more than that. It's things like making decisions where no matter what choice you make someone will be disappointed. You really have to decide who you are willing to disappoint and who you aren't. What are you willing to risk and what is too important to put off. I suppose this is all a part of growing up, but sometimes things are harder than I think they will be.

I'm wrestling with something I've never struggled with before. Feeling like a failure, feeling unimportant, feeling like I'm no good, and feeling like no matter which way I turn I am wrong. It's almost as if I've been put in this maze filled with fire and you have to figure your way out of the maze while everyone is watching on the television and laughing at every choice you make.

Mostly I don't know what to do, so I just do what I think is correct. Sometimes people agree and sometimes they don't and that's something I'm learning to deal with. I can't make everyone happy. That's hard. But I do know how to make everyone mad. That's easy.

This year was all about exploring life, and well, I guess that means exploring the miserable along with the interesting. But I know that it's not going to be this way forever, and right now I'm just gonna put my head down and keep pushing through. That's about all I can do, I suppose.