ROUGH OCTOBERS

So Octobers are difficult months, I've come to the conclusion. Driving back home from parent/teacher conferences tonight, I was reflecting on the last year of my life. I never went to parent-teacher conferences as a student teacher, so tonight was a new experience.

I've said before that teaching is hard. Nathan hears it from me all the time - this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And first years are always the hardest. Even though I had a semester of student teaching, that's all I really had. One semester. And I was never really fully in charge of my class either. I mean, it was a great experience, but it doesn't fully prepare you to take on a classroom all your own.

I remember last October in particular. It was the busiest and hardest month of my student teaching. I was writing this absolutely stupidly huge lesson plan for three consecutive lessons that built on the same concepts and were obscenely large in their required fields of information. Way more information was requested on the school mandated lesson plan form than my principal has EVER asked of me to show him. And then there was also the TPA, where I not only had to video myself teaching a lesson and crop it down to a ten minute segment, but then I also had to reflect on how the lesson went, how the students reacted and what I would change about the lesson had I needed to reteach it to the same group of students and also how I would change it to teach it to a new group of students. I mean, talk about a headache.

And then there's this past October. Dudes, it was the worst probably. I went home and cried on multiple occasions. I got in a mildish case of trouble with my vice principal, and while he didn't yell at me, he was very firm. Students are not supposed to wear hats and I needed to grow a spine. ouch. Plus, my students were just pushing my buttons every which way I turned. I kept trying new methods, different seating charts, different punishments, and things would work for a little while and then I'd be back to square one. I was a little at a loss for everything and I just kind of wanted to quit.

I think that's part of why I was a little nervous for tonight. After how October went, I just kind of feel like it knocked me on my butt and that all the parents would somehow know that I sucked as a teacher.

What surprised me though, was that there are students who are enjoying my class and they go home and talk about how they like art and that I'm one of their favorite teachers and wow. I really needed to hear that. Lately I just feel like I'm maybe not ready for this job and that perhaps I'm a little too incompetent to be a teacher. October had way more bad days than good ones, so I felt like I was losing it.

But tonight, tonight I felt like maybe I didn't suck as bad as I thought I did. And it forced me to realize that I have some really talented students who really do enjoy my class, so I must be doing something right. Right? Hopefully November will be a nice change of pace. I know it will still be challenging, I just want to feel like maybe I have my feet underneath me.

I suppose I'm getting there, but we're always our own worst critic. But just like I had to make myself become a runner, I also have to make myself become a teacher. I'm going to conquer this hill if it kills me, you know? Shoot.

that one time i made another blog and nobody cared

So remember when I started that other blog and then no body really took an interest in reading it, but that was kind of okay since it was mostly to help me with a ridiculously hard class I was taking? Well, remember how the semester is over now and I'm not in that stupidly hard class anymore?

Yeah.

So I was left with this blog, and I looked at it. Poor pitiful blog without a purpose. And I contemplated ending it's sad little life, but I thought that was too easy. Why, it was just a young thing! It has lots of life left inside it's little html walls. How could I do something so cruel as to behead it before it had even begun to really blossom? I mean, how rude!

I hmmed and hawed and tilted my head for a bit. And then I made some chicken noodle soup, stared at some of my newly created watercolor paintings and it hit me. I've been wondering whether or not I should start an art blog for a while now, since I'm producing a lot of new stuff in a relatively short period of time for all of my classes here at the university.

So I changed this little blog's life and turned it into a place for me to show off the new things I have created. I tried to import some of my art posts from this blog over to that one, but it was way to complicated for my poor little brain to try and sit there and figure out.

I'm tired guys, I mean, I've been sleeping on a couch since I moved out of the dorm. Not exactly a recipe for a good night's rest. Therefore, trying to understand how importing and exporting a blog works, I just decided that it would be a fresh start and that I would just start posting new stuff to that blog instead of this one.

Anyway, I figured that you guys probably weren't really interested in art theory before, but most of you seem to like when I post about the concept behind my art or the technique or just looking at what new stuff channels its way out of my head. Well, here's the place you'll find it. So if you could, just click this link, this one right here, and follow me! See, I just gave you three links! Four! So that's no excuse!

If it helps, there's a cute picture over there right now. It's not watercolor, it's from print making, but still. It's adorable. Don't hurt its feelings. Or the blog's for that matter. It was rather suicidal a little bit ago, and I had to rescue it. And you have to help me!

A joint effort!

I'll give you cookies?

No?

Still not interested?

A pony?

Well okay. I'll quit pushing the issue.

...


please?

One Week

Last Wednesday I woke up after having some very bad dreams about Prince Charming, and then I read a text from him telling me good morning and wishing me luck on my first day of teaching.

This morning I woke up after some very good dreams about Prince Charming to no good morning text from anyone, and my stomach is in knots.

It's been one week since I told Princey goodbye. And yesterday and today I woke up with the worst stomach aches wishing that he would just hold me and play with my hair and make it all better. But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon.

I can't help but ache for his presence. I want him to be around. I want him here, with me. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he misses me. I don't know if he aches for me. But I wish he did.

Today I am nervous to teach. We are going on a field trip, and I don't really want to keep track of thirty plus students. I feel like today is going to be exhausting. I really wish today that I had someone to come home to who would love on me and tell me everything is okay.

I've been thinking a lot about Prince Charming, it's like I can't NOT think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And then I wonder if the same things go through his mind?

Also, I think you guys are probably tired of all of my posts just being about my break up, but writing is therapeutic for me. It's how I process. And this month is going to be difficult and filled with all sorts of posts I think. I think there will be sad ones and angry ones and there will probably be a lot of those before I can write happy ones. I don't know what this month is going to hold for me, but right now all I feel is heartache and sadness that I no longer share my life with someone who is so important to me.

And I want to thank everybody who has given me advice, or been there to listen to me cry, or sent loving words or encouragement. You all have helped tremendously and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all.