It's Back To High School For Me

So it's not really a secret that I'm going to school in oder to obtain a degree in art education. In order to become the awesome art teacher that I'm destined to be, I have to complete a 30 hour practicum in a classroom.

I would really like to teach high school students, but it took me a while to decide. At first I was thinking elementary school would be where it's at. My art teacher in elementary school really fostered my love of art. She never told me I did it wrong or bad, she was never mean, and I have to admit that it was a huge ego boost when my pieces of art were used as examples for all the other classes.

But then I thought about it some more and realized that even though in the elementary schools I could foster a love of art in students that may not otherwise be inclined to learn about it, high schoolers can do a lot more skill-wise. Sure there will be a few kids whose art still belongs in kindergarten, but generally high schoolers' motor skills are more developed. Which means I can attempt harder assignments that are difficult but very gratifying.

I completely ruled out middle school because that's where cliques form, puberty happens, and it's generally just an awkward stage of life. Students are going through that "who am I?" phase, teasing is horrid (especially among girls) and I'd really just rather not deal with it, honestly.

So, back to my practicum assignment. Like I said, I have 30 hours of in classroom hours to complete. This involves observing my mentor teacher (who is awesome!) and teaching one lesson plan.

I was assigned to the art teacher at the high school in town. So far I love it. The first class is Drawing, so I'm at home there because if I'm comfortable with any artistic expression, it happens in the form of drawing. Everything else for me has been awkward so far. But drawing? I can do that.

The second class is sculpture. It's a young class - mostly sophomores. And it's loud. And it's sculpture. And it's daunting to me. I don't know an incredible amount about sculpture, so I'm uncomfortable helping students with their projects, but I try.

But today I was thinking about my own high school experience. You see, I didn't really like high school. I loved being with my friends, and all of our extra curricular activities, but I would make myself sick in the mornings dreading going to school. I quit eating breakfast. Eventually I got over that, but I was so glad the day I graduated (thinking I would never have to go back! HA!)

However, I left high school thinking I was going to become a dietician, so I didn't take many art classes. I took a few art classes in middle school and I took two art classes my freshman year of high school. But even though I enjoyed drawing, I loathed the teacher. She was a dictator.

Actually we referred to her as a Nazi teacher.

You see, her classroom had. to. be. silent. Absolutely no talking, and if you did she would dock you points. We only did assignments she told us to do, and we only worked with graphite. There was one assignment that worked with Prisma colored pencils and turpentine, but that was it. Everything else was drawing pencils.

So being in this high school's art room is a totally different experience. We're allowed to talk. The students have an open assignment in which they can use any medium they choose and they have all year to work on it. I'm a little jealous of them, because I think if my art class had been that way I would have advanced in my high school career.

Also what this practicum has done for me so far is renewed my want to become a teacher. After the hard summer I had and all the drama with that one boy I was losing my motivation to be here. I just wanted to run away, leave, go and never come back. I was all ready to become a Simba and go find my own Timon and Pumba.

Except that now Prince and I are on good terms (even though we aren't dating) (which is actually fine at the moment, we're back to being friends. We laugh and joke and hang out and have fun, which is what we're supposed to do, right?) Anyway, my stress level has lowered and combined with the fun I'm having in the high school I'm ready to stick it out for a little while longer.

humph

I want to be on vacation right now. 

Somewhere sandy. And warm. With lots of water. 

I want to be able to lay in the sunshine and not worry about upcoming assignments, projects, and shifts. 

I want to lounge around in my sweatpants and drink virgin strawberry daiquiris with little umbrella toppers. 

Somewhere watching the sunset. Once the sun hits the horizon line it's two minutes until dusk. And the sky turns brilliant colors, which I love. 

I want to sleep in until noon because I was up past midnight the night before. 

I want to eat at yummy restaurants and get a pedicure on the way home. 

I want to fall asleep to the sound of ocean waves crashing on the beautiful white sanded beach. 

I want to be on vacation. 

Friday Couldn't You Have Come Sooner?

Yesterday was horrendous. Absolutely and totally pathetic. It was a day of "if something can go wrong for Natalie, let's DO IT!" With all sorts of exclamation points and neon stars.

Suffice it to say it involved several emotional breakdowns, a parking ticket, being locked out of my dorm room for several hours with only my wallet, car keys and phone, and the separation of my permanent retainer from my tooth that doesn't have a root. (And that's not even everything that went down.)

Le sigh.

I finished the day hanging out with Prince Charming even though I technically wasn't supposed to see him until tonight. Whatever. He always makes me feel better after a crappy day, and if we're going to try and be friends and see if this works out then it's only a good thing that he makes me feel better.

I overreact to things that I maybe shouldn't overreact to, and Prince knows how to talk me down from that. I just get to this point where my heart races, and I'm so upset about something that I don't think clearly and therefore make occasionally poor choices and sometimes say things I don't necessarily mean. Usually there is also a lot of unnecessary crying involved as well.

Especially on days where nothing seems to be going to correctly and all I really want to do is crawl back in bed and go to sleep wishing I could have a do-over.

But let's just end on a happy note that today has been exponentially better than yesterday could have ever hoped for, and this weekend should be super fantastic.

Tonight I'm doing whatever I want and tomorrow I'm going to Zelda's to make blankets and watch mockumentaries about teaching. You have no idea the fun that will be had!

So, in conclusion to my experimentation with a Prince Free Monday through Friday that wasn't 100% Prince Free - I think it's necessary for me to have my own time and him to have his own time away from each other doing fun things without the other one present. It's necessary for me to live my life and him to live his life, and we can be friends, and we could even date, but we need to not be all up in each other's business all the time.

I need to let go and relax and just see where God takes me. This week I figured out how I'm beautiful, I felt beautiful without a boy telling me so. This week I decided that I don't want to leave, but if it comes right down to it I'm strong enough to walk away. It's always easier to move on when the other person isn't present in your day to day life.

I also learned that when I'm extremely upset, I go for the comfortable and familiar and despite what's happened between us Prince Charming is both of those things and he will be for a long time, right or wrong.

Dear Boy

Dear Prince Charming,

This week has been horrible and wonderful and all sorts of other emotions wrapped into one. A week is not long enough to get over a person, but I think it's long enough to help me figure out what I want. From life. From you. From myself.

I figured out that I do still want you. This week has shown me things about myself, retaught me life lessons while skinning my knees and bruising my elbows on sharp corners of emotion. But you have been so nice, and such a good friend lately that during this week I've had time to think about what I needed vs. what I wanted.

At first I was fine. I was pumped. I could do it! I wondered how long that feeling would last, and it went until Wednesday. When I started second guessing myself. Do you miss me? Do you like me? What's going to happen after Friday is over? That kind of thing.

I wondered what you were thinking. What was going through your mind? You've been breaking the rules and talking to me in the evening, but Wednesday you made it all the way to midnight before you contacted me. To me this says: I miss you and I can't not talk to you.

But I know that you don't want anything serious right now, so that got me to thinking. I don't want anything serious right now either. I don't need it. I'm in school, I'm working towards a career, I have homework, and I need to have parts of my life that belong to just me and not you.

However, that being said, I would like to try to date you again. Soon. But with a lot less serious of a relationship. I don't want a ring, I don't want a forever promise, I just want a right now. I want someone to cuddle with and watch movies. Someone to occasionally take me out to dinner, and someone to walk around the mall with holding hands.

I don't know if you want that. I don't know if you would even consider being in a relationship right now (or within a couple weeks, whatever) but I wanted to put the idea out there.

I've done a lot of thinking, crying, moping, laughing, hoping, etc. this week, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want you to be gone forever. I don't think you want me gone forever either. So would you be willing to attempt to casually date me over the course of the next few months? We'll just take all the pressure off. Take it one day at a time.

Would that be alright? Or am I crazy for asking?

Yours,
The Girl With Her Heart On Her Sleeve

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not?

It's easier to get over someone when you don't have to be with them everyday. That's what I'm discovering. If I never had to see him again, I would be fine. Eventually. But when this week is over I wonder how things will go.

I don't want to be just friends with him. He can either date me or he can't. At least for a long while. And I wonder if I should even talk to him after this week is over because what if this week he's realized that he really doesn't want to date me?

You know, he was just being so nice to me last weekend before I cut him off for the week. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder how much he misses me. I mean, I miss him a lot still. While I'm busy I don't have to worry about him. While I'm busy my mind doesn't wander.

But I get home and I sit on my bed and I stare into space and that's when I get to thinking. Where is this going? Am I going to be more hurt when this week is over or will I be okay? Is he going to want me back or is he going to be okay with letting me go?

What will happen?

I wish I knew.

He's so nice. I still like him a lot, but I wonder if I should.

How To Feel Beautiful

I'm not an expert. And actually I don't feel beautiful all the time (shocker!). But when I want to feel beautiful and there's no boy around to tell me how hot I am, here's what I do:

1. Listen to beautiful music. I don't mean "feel good music" and I don't mean "instrumental kind of sad and lonely" music. I mean beautiful. Empowering. Sometimes I listen to worship music, and sometimes I stumble upon simply classy, beautiful and lovely music.

Like Mindy Gledhill. I'm currently obsessed. I'll include some YouTube videos in case you are wanting to feel beautiful.

2. I lay on my bed, or I sit by myself and I close my eyes. And I think about how pretty I think I am. I open my eyes and pretend there's a camera to pose for. I know that sounds kind of childish and very imaginative, and sometimes people don't like to have their picture taken. But this is my camera and it only captures the best angles in my imagination.

It's all about the eyes. Smile with your eyes. Imagine that you can just show any emotion through your eyes and convey it directly to the camera. I know that when I do this to a real camera it never works, but in my mind it always turns out exactly how I want it to look.

3. I draw. I draw eyes, because they are the most beautiful part of a person. I love the feeling I get when I put pencil (or charcoal) to paper. There's something so magical about taking a blank slate and turning it into something else.

Sometimes I just doodle because sometimes those can be the most beautiful things. You just start and then wait to see where you end up.

4. I take a shower. I imagine that I'm in one of those Dove soap/body wash commercials. I examine the water droplets on my shoulder. I'm fascinated by the way they run down my skin. The water falling off the tip of my nose.

5. Laugh. Laugh at stupid things, laugh at funny things, laugh at your memories. Smile and laugh at the same time. Laugh at something simple. Just be pleased with life at this very moment. You don't have to be a super model, you don't have to be Megan Fox (in fact, I'm glad I'm not) to be beautiful. And laughter makes a happy soul and when you have a happy soul you are more beautiful than any super model could ever be.

6. Breathe. Usually I don't feel beautiful when I'm stressed out or upset. This makes me tense and when I breathe, I'm able to relax.

7. I look at nature. Nature is always pretty, even when it's imperfect. There is beauty in flaws and no one can deny that. Besides, God made nature and God made me. Therefore I am beautiful simply because I am alive.

8. Confidence. I've lost this so many times I've lost count. But Prince always reminds me that a confident woman is a beautiful woman, and even if I am no longer trying to be beautiful for him, I need to be confident for myself.

I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain, I have confidence that spring will come again.

9. I go to the gym. I know it's not the place to go be beautiful because you don't feel fit next to that girl over there and you're all sweaty, but sometimes sweaty can be beautiful. It's mostly the feeling I get after a tough work out that makes me feel beautiful.

I just worked off 500 calories! A sense of accomplishment! I could do anything! And that is a beautiful feeling.

10. I do my hair. And my make up. Then I could wear sweats and still be beautiful. Doing all of these things while listening to beautiful music just adds to the fact that I am a beautiful person.

I don't need to compare myself to any one else. I don't need to be valued higher than gold by the boys of this world. I don't need to listen to the social media to understand what makes me lovely. I am beautiful. I am amazing. I don't need a boy to tell me that to justify it. I just am.

And there's beauty in that fact right there.

My blue eyes make me beautiful. My attitude makes me beautiful. My Creator makes me beautiful.

This week without Prince Charming is more about self discovery than it is about getting "over" Prince Charming. I'm never going to be completely over him. He will always have a special place in my heart, but I have to love myself before I can let him love me like he used to. He has to love himself before he can love me like he used to.

I have to be a whole person before I can be in a relationship. Someone shouldn't complete you, they should just add to your awesomeness.

And as promised, the beautiful music:

So Far So Good

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Blog World, day one is almost officially over with only three hours left to go. My feet ache, my knees ache, my fingers look like this:

But after spending four hours (at least!) in the printmaking room, standing, without a break, I came home to a new episode of House, MD with only the best looking Gregory ever and this:

(we're new bffs. I'm not giving him back to his rightful owner. ever. end of story. period. he's mine.)

It's been a terribly long day. And I do believe tomorrow is going to be even longer!! This is really honestly only good for me. I'm occupied, busy, and have no time to dwell on things that will never be. Today has been just lovely actually.

I have to admit that it wasn't totally and completely 100% Prince free though because I did in fact pass him coming and going from class two times today. Two times! But we didn't talk. We just waved. He had his headphones in and was wearing a black button down shirt and looking mighty handsome, but I can do this is.

I can so do this.

Today I was wondering what it would be like if I got seriously injured and had to go to the hospital. Would Prince come visit me there even though we're not supposed to see each other for a week? Have you ever wondered anything like that?

I was thinking as I was wondering how extremely odd it was to wonder such a thing. But I do that occasionally. Wonder about who would be there for me if I was ever hurt.

I chose to believe Prince-y would come and see me. I really think he would. But that is beside the point.

Tonight I put all my effort into this:

I made like 10 of these things. Each one is different colors. And it took for freaking ever!

And let me tell you, it's time for a shower and then bed.

So far so good, Bloggies, so far so good.

Smirk - I Heart Faces

This is my brother. He is a PROFESSIONAL smirker.

The Calm Before The Storm

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life."

I feel so dumb sometimes. I am making so many mistakes. Or at least that's what I'm being told. 

Part of why this is so hard is because I don't understand why this is happening. And no one can tell me the answer to that question. No one. Not even Prince Charming who so desperately needs a new blog name because right now he is not my Prince Charming. 

I don't know how to let go. When I was angry, I could have walked away just fine. But not being angry makes it worse. He's such a nice guy. He's pretty cute too, and I have so. many. memories. 

He's involved in SO MANY different aspects of my life that not only am I losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing a companion in my everyday life. Someone that I would go to for advice, someone that I would talk to, who would listen to me. Someone who cared for me on a deeper level than most people. 

And I don't understand what changed. Did I change? Did I do something to deserve this? 

Why can't I have my boyfriend back? 

Why do I have to feel miserable about this? 

Why does it feel so much harder to part on amicable terms?

Why can't I just hate him and be angry? 

Why does he have to be so calm about this?

I told my mother that I thought if Prince and I ever broke up it would be mutual. This is far less than mutual. 

Prince told me that I have to move on. I have to let him go. I should date someone else before I just decide to stick with him. I'm scared he'll find someone to replace me. I'm scared of finding someone to replace him. I don't want anyone to replace his place in my life. 

I feel like moving away is the best answer, but no one supports me in that. Besides, I don't really know where I'd go anyway. But a huge chunk of me just wants to leave. I want to find new people in a new place where every corner doesn't remind me of him. Everything here reminds me of him. I've been dating him practically as long as I've been going to this university. 

I want to be so strong and I want to just pack up my feelings and put them in a cardboard box in an attic somewhere to collect dust while I go on not feeling anything and I just. can't. do. it. I just can't. 

This week will be good for me, but I know it's going to be one of the most pain-filled weeks of my life. This week is going to be hard and difficult and I'm going to hate every second of it. At this point I just want it to be over. 

But in order to keep me strong, I'm going to blog every day this week. I'm going to blog my feelings, I'm going to cry, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to question the world. But I need to not talk to him. I need to move on. He thinks the answer to us getting back together is for me to move on. 

I think that's code for me to love myself by myself again. But I'm so incredibly frightened....

And thank you Cassandra for the quote. I really hope I make it through this and come out on the other side feeling better. 

A Week For Myself

I think one of the most cliche pieces of advice I've ever heard is "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, it was meant to be."

But letting go of something precious is often the hardest thing we will ever have to do. I mean honestly, how can you look at something that you love so dear and open your hand to see where it goes or what it does?

What if it never comes back?

Ever?

I was fine when I first made the decision to say "to heck with this! I don't care if I date him again!" And then he was nice, and when I saw the real him again, the guy that I like, I was a little hesitant to readily admit that I really didn't care...because I knew that wasn't true.

But my dad emailed me in response to my Flip Flop post. He told me that he thought Prince Charming and I should have a week apart. He said he realized that he wanted to marry my mother when she left him for a week and he pouted around town like he'd lost his best friend. He said Prince and I should have a week of limited interaction and no alone time, and after that week was over if we wanted to get back together we would have his blessing.

You see, my dad likes Prince. He thinks Prince Charming is a good guy. It took some time for Prince to grow on my dad, but almost two years later and it's like Prince is a part of the family.

I think events happen in our lives to teach us things about ourselves. God puts obstacles in our paths to grow us in His ways. I think this thing in my life right now is going to help shape me as a person. I think partly it was designed to help me gain confidence. To re-learn how to be myself, and not define myself by another person.

I can try really hard to deny that I like Princey, but I know that would be untrue. I like him a lot. He's my best friend, and I care about him. And frankly, my feelings are a lot hurt that he needs to take time to decide what he wants.

I keep waiting for him to realize that I'm perfect for him. I'm nerdy. I like video games. I'm really cute. I'm funny. I'm awesome. I'm artistic. I have blue eyes. I have everything he needs all wrapped up in my being. I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, and those are words straight from his mouth.

Which is partly why I'm so confused about why he wants a break. Why would you throw something like that away? He doesn't know the answer. He just needs time to figure it out.

And not that I'm going to end up marrying him for sure for sure because that's a long ways away, but if a week apart from my mother helped my father realize he needed to keep her around forever, then maybe, JUST MAYBE that can work for me too.

I know not all couples are the same, and not every couple works the same way. But I'm going to do all I can to try for something I believe is right. Something that I have confidence in. Something that I think will last.

And I'm scared as hell to let him go for a week. To relinquish email and instant messaging. To not eat meals with him. To not see him from Monday morning until Friday evening. Little to no communication here is the goal. And that freaks me out.

I'm scared he'll not want to come back to me. I'm scared he won't miss me. I'm scared that if I walk away that's the last time I'll see him.

But if it is the last time I'll see him, then he'll have lost one of the most precious assets to his life. He'll have lost one of his best friends.

But that's a risk I'm going to have to take. Because it could come out on the other side, that he missed me terribly. That he ached for me. That he wants me back.

I'm not so terribly naive to believe that a week apart is going to put us back on even ground, but I think at this point I can't just be a sitting duck. I need to take action. And maybe leaving him alone for a week could turn out to be the smartest decision I've ever made.

But I just have to have faith in Prince Charming, in myself, and in Jesus Christ. Because God knows I do love the boy.

"unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life. love shouldn't be one of them."

Who Am I?

It seems that I have lost myself. How does one go about doing that? It's not like I can just get up and walk away from wherever I am without me tagging along. After all, I am attached to myself.

But what it seems has occurred here, is that I built my identity with someone else, and now that he's only kinda sorta in the picture I'm left to discover who I am without him.

I am an American girl with strong German heritage.

I am not skinny, but not fat. I don't have the greatest skin ever.

I have lots of hair on my scalp, but it's really fine so it doesn't look like much unless I get it layered.

My favorite color is blue.

I like flowers, but I've never been given any before. I like Poppies. And Calla Lillies.

I don't wear a lot of jewelry, so no body ever buys me any, but I'd love to just have a plain silver chain with a simple charm on it. And I've been wanting a charm bracelet, but I feel like I don't want to buy those kinds of things for myself. They have more meaning when they are given to you, you know?

I can be quite insecure about a lot of things, which stumps my father because he thinks I've very confident. And I can be very confident too, it just depends on what I'm doing and where I am and who I'm with.

Dresses and me don't get along that great. Mostly because I feel like dresses are made for people with no boobs and skinny torsos and slender shoulders. That's not me. I have boobs. And a stomach. And I have some of the broadest shoulders, which can be so very inconvenient.

I have a dent in the back of my head. It's just how my bones grew together.

I'm average height, but I'm the shortest one in my family.

And I have the smallest feet, too.

I have always been told that I would be a good teacher, so now that's what I'm going to school for.

When I was in gymnastics I would always win the "most inspirational" award at the end of the season. I like cheering people on and seeing them succeed.

I like to drive, and I love road trips.

I sing in the car. Loudly. And sometimes very off key.

Singing makes me feel better. So does writing.

That's why I write a lot.

Especially when I'm going through an issue. All I want to do is write and write and write and then when I finish I want to write some more.

The problem with that, is that I can't put everything out here for you all to read. Because sometimes what I write isn't true. It's true at that moment, it's exactly how I feel, but I also know that I change my mind a lot, and situations change, and so what I had written previously didn't need to be said.

In high school I would write stories on my MySpace blog. I wrote about my friends, but I gave us all fake names and the lives that we wished we were living. Sometimes the events in my stories would actually happen. But the events that would happen were the ones that had happened to the characters based off of my friends, so I never had anything happen to me that had happened to my character in my story.

My friends would love it though. They were religious followers of my blog stories.

I look back on the stuff I wrote then and laugh. The grammar is sometimes poor, and the suspense! Oh good gravy, I could be such an immature writer! I could always see where I was going with what I was writing, and what I had intended to do, but because I was so young it just didn't work out like it had in my mind.

I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on these posts and press my palm to my forehead going "what was I thinking?"

I think about the future a lot. I want to get a good job. I want to get married someday. I want a family. But I feel like that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm just going to be stuck in limbo forever and ever, never escaping.

I paint my finger nails black. I like them that way.

I love camo. My backpack is camo. I have a camo jacket. My bandaids are all camo.

I am an artist. But sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just pretending. Like that's just what I want to be so I take the classes and read the books, but I'm just faking.

I feel like I weigh too much. I feel like I should be skinnier. I feel like society is entirely to blame for that feeling. And boys too. I blame boys.

I like camping, and fishing. I like being outdoors. I like doing things. But I also like to sometimes just sit at home and do nothing.

I like playing Clue and a few other board games. I like being with my friends.

I hate talking on the phone. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being left out, but I don't want to force myself into situations so sometimes I just sit back and watch other people have fun.

I like watching House, MD. And America's Next Top Model. And Say Yes To The Dress. I like NCIS and Criminal Minds. I like good movies. Ones that make you laugh. Occasionally ones that make me cry. I like stories that I can emerge myself in. Become one of the characters.

I always wondered what it would be like to act in a play, but I think I'm a terrible actor. I always want to smile!! It's terrible. I'd ruin a lousy sad moment with a big toothy grin and then the audience would never understand and the director would fire me. It would be horrible.

But I always enjoyed working backstage. Making things happen so the actors could tell the story. It was the most fun to dress up in black. I didn't have to memorize lines, I didn't have to wear outrageous costumes, but I got all the perks of being behind the curtain for the show.

So I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am by myself, but I think I've got a pretty good handle on the situation. It'll take some time for me to make some new friends, mostly because I don't know how. I not a people seeker outer. I'm just me.

My name is Natalie. Who are you?

Flip Flop

When you are busy and surrounded by people is when it's easiest to hide your feelings. There are so many distractions, there is so much to do, and so many people to talk to. There's a hustle and bustle about that you cannot ignore, and so your emotional burdens take a backseat to real life.

When you are with friends, they are good at taking your mind off your current issues. They're funny, they're ridiculous and they make you laugh. They help you forget. They help you move on. They give you a reason not to stay at home and be lazy.

Because, I tell you, it's those quiet moments that are the worst. Standing by yourself in the shower. Laying on your bed skimming the web on your laptop. The empty space. You can feel it all around you.

What I hate is feeling like I've made up my mind. Like I will be set with whatever happens. I tell myself that over and over. If you hear something enough you will begin to believe it. And while I was angry I totally would have been fine with whatever happened.

But then he started to act sweet. He was nice again. He was the boy that I used to know, cute and nice. Friendly. He has a lot of ground to cover though. He screwed up big time this time and I can't just hand myself back over to him.

Not that he's asking me to do that anyway.

But when I'm sitting in his room watching Chuck with him and Poosh, the memories come flooding back. Late nights watching the first season of Chuck on his couch in his living room. His arm around my shoulder, my head resting on his chest...

I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave the room. How can I be so strong when all I want to do is go running back? I honestly believe that I will be fine no matter which way this thing turns out, but I have to admit that I am totally hoping it ends in the not broken up way.

Just, this situation doesn't feel totally. If it was totally right, wouldn't I know it? Or does it never feel right? How long does it take to mend a broken heart?

Sweet Release

I'm not going to go into the gory details that were my weekend. I'm not going to explain in the deepest of depths how I felt each time I lay in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm not going to describe the moments of agony that came with knowing where he was, but not being able to get a hold of him.

What I will tell you is the moment that the switch flipped. He'd been out of reach for hours and hours. I knew who he was with and where he was, but I couldn't get a hold of him and that made it all the more painful. And then, instead of being heartbroken, I was angry. Instantly. I switched emotions. Just. Like. That.

I took all of my things out of his room. The blanket that I was letting him borrow, the PS3 controller I bought and all three of my games. And then I left.

I went to the AAN building to make prints for my class because I hadn't had time to do them on Thursday afternoon. During that time I talked to a really good friend on the phone who lives incredibly too far away from me.

Her boyfriend is Princey's best friend ever.

They went through a similar situation that the Prince and I are headed through. She told me she wished there was something she could do to fix it. But really, there was nothing anyone could do to fix this rotten mess. She told me that her boyfriend had called to re-apologize for the stuff that went on when they took their break.

We speculated that he did this because he saw what it was like for the girl to go through the situation since he's been a super duper awesome person through all of this nonsense.

Actually, all the boys in Prince's hall have been too nice to me while I've sorted through my feelings and picked up the broken pieces. They gave me high fives as I took my stuff out of Prince's room. They hugged me when I cried. They listened to me rant like the emotional wreck that I was. They let me mourn for my lost relationship without trying to give me too much advice, or be too overbearing, or too protective.

They. were. rockin.

After I finished making my prints, I checked to see if Prince was online yet. Because if he was online that meant he was finally back in his room.

What luck.

I had to convince him to come talk to me, because he just wanted me to do it over instant message, but I really honestly felt like the kind of talking I had to do needed to be done face to face and in an unbiased location.

He finally met me on the benches between our TLC buliding and the campus library.

I told him exactly how I felt. I told him I took all my stuff out of his room because I didn't want to be in his life right now. He needed to figure out what he wanted and how he felt and when he was ready to see me again to let me know.

We discussed our situation. His feelings were hurt that I didn't trust him. But he had told me something and then done exactly the opposite. How do you trust someone who's actions don't match their words? I brought things to his attention that he hadn't realized. He'd been very selfish.

Everyone is entitled to some selfish time, to do what's best for them. But I felt like this was too extreme. What was going on was not right. I didn't deserve it. And I told him that.

And then I walked away.

Feeling. Completely. Liberated.

Since our initial talk, we'e spoken online to sort through this mess of a relationship that we have. I had to work hard to get to a place where I didn't care if we got back together or not. I'm there now.

If we don't get back together I will definitely miss it. We have some awesome memories of a great time in both of our lives. We had a lot of fun while we were together, and I will be sad that that is now over. But if we do get back together then we can always make more awesome memories and have lots more fun!!

So I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm feeling liberated. I'm feeling free. I'm feeling inspired to live life again like I want to. I am confident. I am SO HOT WITH MY NEW AWESOME HAIRCUT! I'm in a different place in the world and in life than I was Friday night when I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning and hurting so deep inside.

You know, we're human and we all make mistakes. We make big ones, and we make little ones. We make irreparable ones and we make ones that can be salvaged.

We love who we love and we always want the best for them.

I'm still a little sad that things are the way they are right now, but I know that I'll get through this. I know that when all is said and done I'm going to be just fine.

And the best part is that I don't hate Prince Charming. I don't. I still love him, but not in that 'I need you to come back to me right now or I'll die' kind of way. I love him in that 'I hope you decide what's best for you and I'll be there for no matter what you choose' kind of way.

This is the song I've had on repeat all day:

Do You Remember?

I was sitting on the bus riding to school on Ramsey Road outside the neighborhood where they kept the old folks. I was wearing a pink and purple tie dye shirt and a pair of blue jeans. My hair was dirty blonde and cut jaw length in a bob.

My friend Samantha was seated across from me. The bus wasn't that full yet because we were the first stop, so we could speak freely without having to yell.

"Did you know that they were flying planes into the Twin Towers?" she asked to all who were within hearing distance. I had no idea what the Twin Towers were. I was only 11 years old, just turned 11 actually 11 days before. Or maybe 12 days depending on how you look at it.

It sounded crazy, fascinating, and scary all at the same time. At first I didn't believe her, but I had no idea what was going on. The news hadn't been on at my house that morning before I left for school. I dismissed the question as so many others on the bus had also done.

I went through the first half hour before school started in middle schooler ignorant bliss. I talked with my friends, I made jokes, I retrieved my books from my locker for our Advisory period.

My desk was in the first row on the left side of the classroom. Two desks were behind me, and TJ Barns was sitting in front of me. Our teacher, Mr. Bain, was sitting at his desk in the front of the classroom. The bell had just rang signalling the start of the period, but we were still chattering.

The air shifted when our science teacher, a red headed woman with a small frame and a spunky personality entered the room. She wasn't jovial. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't talking. Silently and somberly she walked passed my desk, passed TJ's desk, and to the front left corner of the classroom where the TV was shut away behind a cabinet door.

She pulled it out, turned it on, and started talking. I don't remember what she said, I don't remember what she was wearing (I think there was a green shirt?), I don't remember what other students were doing, but I remember the images on the screen. I remember the terror of watching people die on the news. I remember the black smoke.

I remember that feeling you get when there is a tragedy, that feeling of excitement and fascination that is coupled with fear and anxiety.

I don't know anyone who died in the 9/11 tragedy, and I can't tell you names of any of my friends who did either. Here in Idaho I felt pretty far removed, but I know we weren't. I know everyone knows someone who was affected by the ill fated events of that September morning.

What I also remember though, is the coming together of a community. The love that was poured out for all those lost and all those who lost loved ones. I remember feeling glad to still have all my family. I remember when we started to forget. And now it's like we don't remember at all except for when the anniversary is here.

But as they say, time heals all wounds.

Where were you?

Shut The Window

I took this picture today. This morning. Fresh out of bed. I hadn't even brushed my hair yet.

This picture says "Don't mess with me. Don't tell me what to do. I am independent. I am confident. And I will kick your face if you cross me."

Or maybe this picture says "I want to be independent and confident, but I have no idea where I'm going. And I still don't want you to tell me what to do."

Or maybe it only really says "Hi, my name is Natalie and today is Wednesday."

Lately there's so much noise in my life. So many things to do, so many people to see (or ignore), so many classes to not be late to, so many hours to not sleep. So many opinions surrounding my current situation. So many people telling me to leave Prince, to stay with Prince, to move on, to keep going.

I appreciate the ones most who tell me that everything will okay in the end. The ones who say "you'll figure it out" and "if you don't feel strongly one way or the other, wait until you do."

I am the only one who can decide what I do.

Today is lawn mowing day right outside my building. Teez (my roommate) left the window open earlier to catch the lovely breeze. She left for class. The lawn mower started.

I listened to him go back and forth for a little bit, taking in the sound of the gasoline motor getting louder and fading only to get louder as he came back the other way.

But I could only listen for so long.

Lawn mowers are not a comforting sound. They are obnoxious. Annoying. And most of the time you can't wait until they're done because then it's back to peace and quiet.

I shut the window.

And then it occurred to me to shut the window on something else. I need the peace and quiet so I can make a decision. I love blog world for all the support I get in the comments from readers who love me dearly, but what I decided I don't love is all the room for opinions to swarm in and out of my head.

Each one of them has only the best of intentions, but sometimes you just don't want to hear what they say. Maybe it's because you know they're right. Or maybe it's because they're so far off base that it's utterly comical what they're telling you to do, or maybe it's because right now you just want to keep on going as if nothing happened.

Prince Charming is not a bad guy. He's not made of evil or feeding me lies. He's just a boy. And whatever ends up happening between us, I don't regret dating him. I don't regret being his friend, or kissing him. I don't regret this period of time - the waiting for things to 'get back on track.'

Everything will work it self out.

I'm not holding on because I don't have enough pride to walk away. I'm not holding on because I'm too weak to let go. Instead, I'm holding on because I believe that there really is a chance.

Maybe this whole thing is God giving us the opportunity to grow together, to become stronger, to gain confidence. Perhaps this is how it worked into our lives, it's part of our plan. It could be the other way where God is trying to tell me that this relationship isn't what I thought it was, but I don't know that right now.

And only time will tell.

So I'm shutting the window. I can feel myself gaining confidence. I know I'm going to be okay and I don't need people to tell me that I'm making a mistake by dragging it out. Because I'm not. This is my life.

Prince Charming is having a hard time letting go of this relationship too. We are both holding on. I figure that means we're not ready to be over yet. But we'll see. Time marches on.

Time marches on.

A Post To Remember Summer

Because this is how I want to remember summer time.

The Truth About This

I remember what it was like before I knew Prince Charming. I was single, completely unattached to any boy, and I was okay with that. I wanted a boyfriend, but I wasn't searching actively. I didn't go places and scour the horizon for the next guy to walk my way.

I was confident in myself. I was totally okay with being a single girl. I actually felt like I was destined to be single for a long time before I met any boy worth my time.

And then October 2008 arrived in my life. I went to Halloween party and met this boy I thought was ridiculously adorable. I held his hand and he didn't make me let it go.

I talked to him online. And he was so much like me, and yet he was so much more different than me. He had huge brown eyes with eyelashes that looked like they were made to catch snow flakes in winter, or brush away worries from your cheek if he got too close to me.

He was goofy. He made me laugh. He wasn't able to successfully hand me a pumpkin from underneath his chin in a relay game we played at the party on the same team. You know the game, where you have an object you have to pass down the line but you can't use your hands? We epically failed, but laughed the entire time.

He has such a great laugh. Such a beautiful smile.

During the months that followed he changed from the boy I met at the party into a more independent soul of a man. I loved it. I loved him. I loved the way his lips pressed against in the dark of night in my car outside his house bidding him farewell before I left back for school.

I loved holding his hand in the cold weather when we would hike on Tubbs hill before the snow arrived. I loved when he would hold me close and shield me from the wind. It was so nice to have someone who cared about me. It was so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, an embrace to fall into.

We worked together at camp the following summer. I didn't know hardly anyone and being slightly shy, I stuck to him like glue. We were attached at the hip. We were the same person. Wherever he went, I followed.

I was so happy.

The new school year arrived, and we lived in the same building, on the same floor. I think that's where the trouble started. I think that's where we were too much in each other's lives. But I didn't care. I just knew that being with him was the most fun thing.

We would argue over stupid things, but we would each say we were sorry. It wasn't that we didn't like each other, it was the stress of homework, jobs, and life that took it's toll on our relationship. He told me he was going to be there for me through thick or thin.

I believed him.

Our second summer was the worst. We had a long talk on the beach one night after a particularly irritating day. We talked about where we thought this relationship was headed. I asked him if he thought at this time next year would we still be dating?

He told me he didn't think so.

I lost my confidence.

We argue too much. I told him it's because of stress. We decided that when school came around again we would take a short break. And then instead of waiting until school, we tried during the summer. That was too difficult for me. Every day at work there was a visual reminder of a relationship I still believed was salvageable.

During that summer we had many long talks about "us" and our relationship and where we headed. We shed a lot of tears, hugged, and proclaimed that no matter what, we would still be friends. And I looked at him, tears brimming in my eyes and I thought to myself, there is no way I can be just friends with you.

We went to his brother's wedding in early August, as boyfriend/girlfriend because I told Prince that I wasn't going to a wedding for a family I wasn't part of if I wasn't going there with my boyfriend. He told me he would be my Prince-y for the wedding. I asked him what would happen after the wedding. What would be then? Back to just friends? I didn't want to go if that was going to be the outcome.

But he persevered. He said "Well, we'll see how the wedding goes. And if we don't fight too much, we'll stay together afterward." I agreed to that, and went on to have the most fun weekend of the whole summer. With my boyfriend.

We were fine after that. We worked together wonderfully, no fights, no arguments, nothing. It was great. It was fun. I thought finally we had made it through the storm. Finally we could just go back to the way things were before all the ups and downs. We could love each other the way that God wanted us to.

And then we got to school. And all of his buddies were here. And this year his best friend is down here too. And then he started to push me away again. I couldn't understand. I didn't know what had happened to change his mind? What had I done that made him not want me anymore?

How could this be fixed?

My heart was breaking, as it had been doing the entire summer. Band-aids couldn't fix this problem. Duct tape couldn't fix this problem. I just had to figure things out for myself. He's adamant about the fact that he wants to be my friend. He wants us to be good friends before we get back together.

I wondered if we would be the couple that breaks up and gets back together. I look at all the examples in the world, and I look at the real world examples of people I know. My uncle and his wife before they were married, Prince's best friend and his girlfriend even. I have hope.

But I do not have confidence. I am just waiting here, to see what Prince decides. He wants some time to just be him. In November it would have been two years together. I've heard from people when it gets to be around the two year mark, some people start to question themselves or their relationships to see if this is really where they want to be or not. Maybe this is where Prince is. Maybe this is what he's doing.

He just wants some time to be one of the boys. Maybe he just wants freedom to see what else is out there. I don't know what's going through his mind. He's told me that he doesn't want to lose me, he wants me in his life. He thinks we have a chance.

Sometimes I want so badly to believe him. I don't want to let him go. And sometimes I feel so hopeless about the entire situation. But as long as he thinks we'll make it through this storm, I'll keep holding on. There's no one else out there I want to date. There's no one else out there that makes my heart beat fast in my chest when he holds my hands.

There's no one else who's simple smile can brighten my day.

So I wait.

A Post With No Real Information - Just Mostly Pictures

I recently acquired Adobe Photoshop CS3 and I've been playing with it almost non stop since I installed it on my laptop. I was using Adobe Photoshop Elements 4.0 to edit my photos, but this is so much better even if it's not the most up to date programs available.

I've just been sitting in my dorm room listening to the GLEE soundtrack while I experiment with my pictures. Here are some of my favorite edits of the morning:

Sooooooo, whatcha think?