Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Shut The Window
I took this picture today. This morning. Fresh out of bed. I hadn't even brushed my hair yet.
This picture says "Don't mess with me. Don't tell me what to do. I am independent. I am confident. And I will kick your face if you cross me."
Or maybe this picture says "I want to be independent and confident, but I have no idea where I'm going. And I still don't want you to tell me what to do."
Or maybe it only really says "Hi, my name is Natalie and today is Wednesday."
Lately there's so much noise in my life. So many things to do, so many people to see (or ignore), so many classes to not be late to, so many hours to not sleep. So many opinions surrounding my current situation. So many people telling me to leave Prince, to stay with Prince, to move on, to keep going.
I appreciate the ones most who tell me that everything will okay in the end. The ones who say "you'll figure it out" and "if you don't feel strongly one way or the other, wait until you do."
I am the only one who can decide what I do.
Today is lawn mowing day right outside my building. Teez (my roommate) left the window open earlier to catch the lovely breeze. She left for class. The lawn mower started.
I listened to him go back and forth for a little bit, taking in the sound of the gasoline motor getting louder and fading only to get louder as he came back the other way.
But I could only listen for so long.
Lawn mowers are not a comforting sound. They are obnoxious. Annoying. And most of the time you can't wait until they're done because then it's back to peace and quiet.
I shut the window.
And then it occurred to me to shut the window on something else. I need the peace and quiet so I can make a decision. I love blog world for all the support I get in the comments from readers who love me dearly, but what I decided I don't love is all the room for opinions to swarm in and out of my head.
Each one of them has only the best of intentions, but sometimes you just don't want to hear what they say. Maybe it's because you know they're right. Or maybe it's because they're so far off base that it's utterly comical what they're telling you to do, or maybe it's because right now you just want to keep on going as if nothing happened.
Prince Charming is not a bad guy. He's not made of evil or feeding me lies. He's just a boy. And whatever ends up happening between us, I don't regret dating him. I don't regret being his friend, or kissing him. I don't regret this period of time - the waiting for things to 'get back on track.'
Everything will work it self out.
I'm not holding on because I don't have enough pride to walk away. I'm not holding on because I'm too weak to let go. Instead, I'm holding on because I believe that there really is a chance.
Maybe this whole thing is God giving us the opportunity to grow together, to become stronger, to gain confidence. Perhaps this is how it worked into our lives, it's part of our plan. It could be the other way where God is trying to tell me that this relationship isn't what I thought it was, but I don't know that right now.
And only time will tell.
So I'm shutting the window. I can feel myself gaining confidence. I know I'm going to be okay and I don't need people to tell me that I'm making a mistake by dragging it out. Because I'm not. This is my life.
Prince Charming is having a hard time letting go of this relationship too. We are both holding on. I figure that means we're not ready to be over yet. But we'll see. Time marches on.
Time marches on.