a shout out

Oh my gosh, where do I start?

I guess I could start with the first day that we met. It was a bleary January day, overcast and gray. I was sitting at a large table in the front of the classroom of my elementary art methods class with two guys who were high school art ed majors like myself and three slightly obnoxious sorority elementary ed majors. We were an...interesting group, to say the least.

Joel was hilarious and witty - which is something that I admire in other people and strive for in myself. Once, when our class went on a field trip to a bunch of different galleries around town I just palled around with him and the other high school art ed major, Mark. I don't think I did a lot of talking, but I thought the two of them were stinking funny. If memory serves me correctly, we all exchanged numbers at the end of that class period for strategic group project purposes and pairing myself up with them was a really smart decision on my part.

Talking about our shared interest in art and spending time working together on projects, Joel and I also discovered that we shared the same faith in an awesome and mighty God. I don't think it was until SVI and I split up tho that Joel and I really took our friendship a step farther. And by that I mean he dragged me to church with him and his incredibly awesome family and forced me to help him paint a mural. We spent a few late nights in front of a bright white brick wall that we were slowly transforming into a work of art confiding in each other our struggles and our triumphs.

Once I fully involved with the initial steps of helping to plant a church alongside Joel and all the new friends I made there, the adventures just kept coming. I took a step of faith and offered my services as the children's leader which was a new and exciting experience. I spent a lot of time painting, decorating, discussing curriculum, planking, dancing and eating delicious food.

Joel has turned in to one of my very best friends and no matter how hard I try to keep this post funny it always takes a turn for the serious. Which I think is a good representation of the relationship that I have with Joel. He's basically a comedic genius in my opinion, but then he's also chalk full of good Godly advice just when I need it most. It's hard to believe that this time last year we were both living in Moscow finishing up school and now we're both graduated and trying to move on to bigger and better things.

Some friends that you make in college are your school friends and once you leave town you all kind of move on to different things. Other friends you make in college will undoubtedly last for the rest of your life, and I believe that Joel and Mandy and their cute kids are going to be part of my life for years and years and years to come. They are the greatest. So there you go, a shout out to a really good friend.

Thanks for caring and for calling and for being there for me every step of the way. You have no idea just how important you guys are to me and how much I love you. There aren't good enough words in all the world to correctly express how grateful I am to have met you and spent time with you. And I can't wait until spring break when I finally get to come hang out with you all! 

every storm runs out of rain

Every break up is different. The emotions are all similar, but the situations are not the same and the people are usually pretty different too. Take my break up with PC for instance, I was sick. I was unmotivated. I thought the world had ended. It was all terribly tragic in a very angst-y teenage girlish way. But I had never had a real break up in my life before and I really didn't know how to handle myself.

Then when things ended with SVI, I was upset for a few days because all break ups suck. I got involved with my friends, with church, and I stayed busy. It was nice to be distracted from what little pain I was feeling. I learned how to be happy as just myself and that there was hope on the horizon.

This breakup feels less like SVI and more like PC. But it's definitely not the same as either of them. Especially because of the reason behind the break up and my feelings towards what has transpired in the last few days.

Would you believe me if I told you that I was already feeling better? I know, I'm surprised about it too. Eating is still something of a chore for me, but my disposition about this whole situation has flipped from somewhat depressed and lethargic to mildly cheery and able to function outside of the house. I haven't cried about it since yesterday morning, and that is definitely a conquered obstacle for me.

I think what really helped me out was having someone to talk to about this whole mess. I made an appointment with a lady at church, which is probably one of the smartest things I've ever done. It helped to have an outsider's perspective and advice from someone who's been there and done that. I came out of that meeting with a much clearer perspective on my life. I'm still very far away from having everything figured out, but I know I'm now on the right path.

There are a lot of big decisions ahead of me. I have quite a few things that need to have conclusions reached, but right now there's no rush. Things are in God's hands and I'm learning to let Him regain control of my life. Which is scary, but my word this year is courage and I have to actually do it. Courage is such a hard word to have chosen but I think it will definitely help make me a stronger person.

I may not be all the way out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely getting there. And I also don't know what will happen in the future, but I think that everything will always work out for the best.

how fast things change

I'm so mad I just want to chuck something across my room.

When TheBoy was in Puerto Rico for three weeks I was lonely. I missed him so much that my dad told me I was too attached to him. And I remember anxiously waiting for him to walk through the exit at the airport and with the amount of affection that he greeted me. But that was three weeks ago.

It's amazing how fast things can change. How fast they can change and you have little to no idea that they are indeed evolving.

I felt a little closer to him every time I saw him. And maybe that's part of why he wants to push me away. His life is crazy right now and he told me that he didn't want to get too close. That's why he couldn't use the word love with me.

Except that he did once. We were sitting in a restaurant talking about advice for futures in his career field. The man we were conversing with had some really great advice to give, and I knew it worked from my own experiences. He told us to make sure we always wore comfortable shoes, so I told a cute little anecdote about how when I was breaking in my dress shoes I would teach in my slippers. I would wear my dress shoes in the hallways and to the teacher's lounge, but they just hurt my feet too much to stand in them all day.

TheBoy asked me if I really did that and with a nod of my head and smile I answered, you bet I did! And that's when he says "That's why I love you." I just sort of looked at him with a smile on my face that was like, did you really just say that? For the first time, here in this crowded place? I thought maybe he hadn't meant to say it, so I never brought it back up. But it was on my mind a lot.

I just let myself fall for him. I let myself like him more and more because we got along so well. He's hilarious and knows how to make me feel better. But I also let myself be vulnerable to him, and this is the result that I got - pushed away.

With everything that's happened in the last month in his life, I only just started noticing the distance within the last week. There was a day where we didn't communicate at all and that's when I knew that something was really wrong.

But on Thursday he told me that he was excited to see me. And even though he was a little distant the whole time I was down there, I figured it was for bigger reasons than wanting to break up with me. So I started to have a conversation with him about it, and that's when he broke the news that he wanted to be alone. It was like he'd just punched me in the stomach. I closed myself up in the bathroom and cried.

Why can't these things ever happen on my terms? I am always subject to how the other person feels. Break ups are never my idea, I just get stuck with them. Then I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. Which makes me mad.

Why am I not good enough to keep around? Why does this happen to me every January? Why is it impossible to find someone who will love me? Why did this have to happen?

I have no answers really. All I have is time. Time to move on. Time to figure things out. Time to cry myself to sleep and around the house when I'm awake. I know from the past that these feelings won't last forever, but they do have to happen in order to move on. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And even though I'm mad at Him right now, eventually I'll be okay again.

At least there has been an outpouring of friendship and people who do care about me. I don't know what I'd do without them.

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Cause even in the dark you can still see the light. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. 

Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know we're not alone. 

and just like that it's over

You guys, something terrible happened today.

This weekend turned out nothing like I had hoped it would. And it kills me to be here writing this now, but I feel like if I don't write something I'll never be able to move forward. Words are so hard to find right now, but I'm going to do my best.

Some things in life will never stay. One moment you will be happy and the next minute it will feel like someone pulled the rug from underneath your feet and knocked the wind out of you.

I am so at a loss for how to feel. I keep trying to put words to my emotions, but mostly I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hungry and then I'm not. I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm hurt. I don't know what to do.

I'm angry because of the timing. Because of how it happened. Because I was in too much shock at that moment in time that I didn't know exactly what to say and I spent the whole car ride home crying and thinking of words that should've been said. Air that should've been cleared. Feelings that should've been expressed. But you guys, even now I still don't have good words.

Part of me knew this was coming. I mean, it had to happen someday right? Because I can't be happy forever. Just now that it's here, even though I tried to brace myself for it, it still punctures pretty deep. January is the worst month in the history of ever. Three consecutive Januaries have brought break ups with them - and none of those break ups were my idea. I have no control.

And I wonder if I should have fought harder. I wonder if I should've stayed in town tonight and been around in case he changed his mind. But I don't think he's going to. I think this is it, and here I am, by myself to start another year.

Except that it's not all about me. And TheBoy needs to take care of himself before he can be ready to deal with any girl - not just me. Even though I understand this, that doesn't make this situation hurt any less. It doesn't ease any pain. It doesn't bring any comfort. If anything it just makes it harder, because I want to be there for him and he doesn't want me.

I have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are only temporary. That with time my wounds will heal. I know that I was really starting to fall, more than I had let myself like anybody else in a really long time. I knew how dangerous that was for me, but little by little he was working his way inside. Hesitant at first, it wasn't really until recently that I slipped farther and farther in like with this boy.

But I knew that it would have to end someday. I hoped it wouldn't be for a long time. I was wrong. I just know that he makes me laugh and that it's easy to get along with him. I just liked being with him, I didn't really need anything else. And now that's all gone.

There's a quote I've read a couple times in different places, and I don't know who said it, but I keep coming back to it. "If you are happy with the wrong one, just think of how happy you'll be when you're with the right one."

I don't know who my right one is, but I'd like to find him. I'd like someone who thinks I'm important. Who's willing to fight for me. Who thinks I'm worth it. I'd like to find someone who will love me and prove it to me every day. I don't know how I'll find this guy, but I know he has to be out there.

TheBoy is not a bad guy. I'm only mad for now, but not forever. And I hope that he can figure out what he needs to and become the best man he can possibly be. It's been a rough month. I want it to be summer now. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.

into another world

It started in the library. There were three stacks of books on the table in the small conference room existing between where all the book laden shelves exist and the computer lab. Setting my bag down on the opposing end of the table, I picked up each book and examined it. Only one stuck out.

Reading is something I have enjoyed since I was little. I was definitely that kid who would get in trouble for reading past bed time. Constantly, my mother would tell me that reading in the dark was bad for my eyes - but I didn't seem to really care. A good story can't simply be put down. I find myself pulled into the twists and turns of the adventures, yearning to know what happens next. There exists a totally different world between the front and back covers of a book and it is a beautiful place to get lost.

I don't remember the other two titles of the books on the table that day, but I do remember that I started reading Hate List in 5th period and practically never stopped until 11:30 that night once I had finished the entire thing. My penchant for reading had just been reawakened, and with it my renewed love for writing as well. What, you thought it was a crazy random happenstance that I have suddenly started blogging more? The more I read, the more I feel the need to express.

After I devoured Hate List in a mere matter of hours the next book I set my sights on was Ender's Game. I annihilated that story within three days. Then I checked out the second book of that series, Speaker For The Dead. It was like I didn't want to do anything else except finish the story. I had to know what happened to the characters. To the piggies. Whatever was going on between Ender and Novinha. I lost myself in the forests on Lusitania, in the town of Milagre.

I was nearing the end of the story when a long weekend was coming up. I knew I would finish the book before Monday rolled around and heaven forbid I am left with nothing to read for the remainder of the holiday weekend. So I checked out The Hunger Games on Friday.

True to form I devoured the rest of Speaker For The Dead on Friday night. But all that did was make me thirst for the third novel. I want to know what happens next. But I put it aside and moved from the otherworldliness of Lusitania and Trondheim into the downtrodden and poor Seam of District 12 in Panem and then to the bright facade of the Capitol. I let Katniss sweep me away with her guts and her will to survive in the grisliest of circumstances.

And the whole "romance" with Peeta was good too. Although it made me ache for him, for his unrequited love. For the fact that Katniss was only pretending and his feelings had been real. Sometimes I just wanted to grab Katniss and shake her. Don't you get it?? I would scream in my head, but to no avail.

Unfortunately though, I finished The Hunger Games about an hour ago. I have an insatiable appetite now for books and stories and whole other worlds to take me away from here. Out of my own life. Transport me into something else entirely - an unfamiliar place where I can pick whichever character I want to be and have my own adventure.

I've heard it said that an ordinary man lives but one life, while a man who reads lives a thousand. If that's the case then I've been on many adventures in my life and lived through thousands of stories. Never satisfied, never finished, and always in need of another book.

This whole working in the library thing was probably one of the best gigs I could have ever hoped to land, even though I had no idea at the time.

be brave

I am not good about keeping up with new year resolutions. Actually, I kind of hate the idea and I know I am far from alone in that. So I tried something completely new last year and ended up really enjoying the way things played out for me. I picked a theme word for 2012 - Explore.

During the year I was intent on exploring myself. In the early months of the year I was exploring beautiful things about my personality, my likes, my dislikes. Having just come out of a relationship it was a good experience for me - exploring myself as myself with just myself for company.

The middle months of the year became about exploring the transition from being independent and on my own to moving back into my parents' household and starting my last semester of college - student teaching. There were a lot of challenges, some that I had foreseen and some that caught me completely off guard.

Towards the end of the year, as graduation drew closer and then became just a memory, life was more about exploring what happened once school no longer ruled my life and homework was nonexistent. I also started to explore myself again in a relationship that I originally didn't realize would last as long as it has.

Now 2012 is over and I am in need of a new word. I'm partially tempted to pick the same word because "explore" worked so well for me last year. But this year is starting off with some issues I've never navigated before and I'm struggling to find a word that will help me get through all of this.

I threw around words like trust and acceptance and create. Discover, hope, or dream? This year is the first year since I was a child that I have not had to go to school. Worrying about report cards and passing tests is a thing of the past. Now I worry about having to pay back all my student loans and cover the cost of my car insurance. So the word I choose has to be challenging and different, because that's what I'm staring in the face with all these new obstacles.

At first trust seemed like the obvious choice, since, you know, things. The more I thought about it though, the more I became unsure of whether or not that was really what I wanted to challenge myself with this year. It's something I need to work on, but I don't know if I want to give it the confines of 365 days. Which just sort of left me floating with nothing really to fall back on.

Being at a loss for what to do next, I looked up the word trust on thesaurus.com just to see what would happen. I found the word confidence listed among the synonyms. Confidence was a good start, but not quite all the way there. So I clicked on it, and that took me to a list of synonyms for confidence. Which is where I found the word courage and this little light bulb went off in my head.

Courage.

I need to make this year about having the courage to do the right thing, the necessary thing, the different thing, and sometimes even the thing that I don't want to do. I need to have boldness and braveness when it comes to making decisions about my life and my future. Right now this year is full of possibilities for me to be brave and opportunities for me to show courage.

Whether it's having the guts to take a blind leap of faith or just being confident enough to go through life with a purpose, I need to have the courage to do things and stuff and the like. I know there is a purpose for me and for my life, but I just haven't found it yet. So let this year be about becoming a courageous person who lives life on purpose.

explosion

I'm going to be real and honest in this post, so just be prepared.

I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared to give people the opportunity to let me down. I'm scared to trust God and have faith in the next steps He gives me. I'm scared that I'm so screwed up I'm beyond saving.

But then I'm just putting God in a box and saying "There's no way He's powerful enough to forgive me for what I've done" which is stupid, because He created me and this beautiful world I live in. I look back at all of the things that have happened in my life that cause me to believe that there has to be a god out there somewhere, but right now in my walk with Christ I feel pretty far away. Sometimes I wonder if He's really even there or if I'm just praying to the molecules of air floating around my bedroom.

My parents are wonderful examples of not only what it looks like to live a God-honoring life but also to have a God-centered marriage. They stick their fingers in my life and poke around because they care about me and about how I'm doing, even if sometimes I don't want them to. But here, where I live, they are really the only ones doing any sort of caring because no one cares about Natalie.

I'm so terrified that people aren't going to choose me over other things because that's how I've been treated in the past. I'm not really that important to other people - or so I've been made to feel. So I have a lot of issues with trusting people that happened before PC even met me. From those experiences I learned to just not give people the opportunity to let me down. Therefore when plans change I try to be more than accommodating. You can't come up for the weekend? No problem, I will come to you. You can't be here at this time? No worries, I'll figure something out. I just shoulder all of this responsibility because I don't want to find out if people would ever put their lives on hold for me. Because I am not that important and no one cares about Natalie.

Plus, I make myself believe that my struggles and my issues aren't as big as other people's problems. I tell myself that whatever I'm going through I can just suck it up and move on with my life because it's not that bad. Honestly I really feel like a lot of the things my friends deal with pale in comparison to the "dumb" things I go through. It's as if my problems aren't big enough to be considered problems and no one needs to know about them. Even now I'm reading this thinking to myself that I am being ridiculous and I am fine and it doesn't matter. I don't know if it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like a saint or something, because I'm not, that's just how I function. I have to work to convince myself that my feelings do matter and what I'm going through is not nothing. It's like I'm just out here floating in this sea of life and no one is there with an extended hand and a soy vanilla latte to rescue me. Life is hard and it's harder when you feel like you're facing it by yourself.

Friends don't come that easily to me, so the friends that I do have I would like to keep. I would do almost anything for my friends except give them the opportunity to be there for me. And I hardly ever open all the way up and talk about how I really feel about something. I'm so passive it's almost boring. Where do you want to eat? I don't care, wherever you pick I'll be fine. What do you want to do today, Natalie? I have no idea - whatever you want to do is okay with me. I'll be happy with whatever.

I don't know exactly why I have such a hard time saying that this is the place I want to eat at or this is the thing I want to do. I just don't want to impose something on another person that they won't enjoy and I have more fun when those around me are having fun as well. I never want to be burden to anyone, so I try hard to be this person who is always up for anything. Most of the time I truly am up for anything - I like to be adventurous. But I don't want to want something just to be disappointed. I got tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down, so I quit wanting things.

Getting my dog Charlotte and my macbook pro were probably the biggest surprises of my entire life simply because I had resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to have those nice things unless I bought them for me. I couldn't afford the macbook and I didn't know if I would have any way to buy the new computer that I needed any time soon. I gave up on Lottie because I didn't feel like I was in a good place to buy her. And for some reason, my parents got them for me anyway.

But unfortunately, things like that almost never happen to me. If ever I want something I have to go make it happen or nothing will come to fruition. Which, I suppose, isn't all a bad lesson to learn because you do have to work for things in life. Not everything is handed to you on a silver platter with a smile. And then I think about this job I have now too.

Working in the library was a position that was basically thrown into my lap. I couldn't have orchestrated it better had I tried. It's like God put me at this high school for a reason and he gave me a job there after my student teaching was finished. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm here and what reason is behind me holding this job, but I'm glad to have it. The income is nice and it's good resume experience.

I just have to sit and wonder sometimes at why God put me here, in this geographic location, with these people, and through these experiences. I have messed up a lot and yet here God is, loving me and providing for me anyway and I repay Him by wondering if He's even there? But that is the honest truth, folks. Deep down inside I know He's around, I know He's there and I know He cares. At the same time though, I wrestle with trusting Him completely and letting Him show me the path I should take.

I'm frightened and fearful right now that He will call me to do something that I don't necessarily want to do at the moment. I know from experience that He always has the best in mind for His children and all I have to do is take the steps He puts before me.

Walking this journey isn't easy and sometimes it feels like it might just be easier to give up completely, but I can't do that. Instead I need to pray for guidance and discernment and that God will help me becoming willing to do whatever it is He asks me to do. Because whenever I try things without Him they are always messy, I mean, right now? Hello.

Change is not going to take place over night and I can't expect to wake up tomorrow with a completely new resolve about life and people and things in general, but I can make small adjustments that will eventually lead me to a bigger picture. I just have to be willing to do what's necessary to make the right decisions. I need to pray that God will help me find some friends here, some good friends who genuinely want to be there for me and who are closer in proximity. I'm not going to leave my current friends behind, but my relationship with them needs to evolve a little bit.

So in reality, it's not that no one cares about Natalie and it's not like I'm so messed up that God can't fix me, but I am broken and I am hurt and I am struggling to make Him my number one priority. I said this post was going to be honest, and this is how it is. I have trust issues that creep into my life more prevalently than I would like to admit. I need some friends who live closer to me than an hour and a half and I need some friends who love Jesus. Because, guys, I am lonely here in my parents' world. With the exception of my family, there is no one here who cares about Natalie - I mean who really cares. And before that can even happen, I have to quit jumping before people can show me that they are willing to come to me when I can't come to them. I have to give people the opportunity to take care of me instead of just telling everyone that I'm fine all the time. I'll get there someday, but it will take a lot of time and prayers.

So, my name is Natalie and now you know just how screwed up I am.

a little trust goes a long way

I was thinking the other day about all sorts of things that roll around inside my wonderfully messy head, and sometimes when I get to thinking, I do way too much of it and get way too anxious about stuff and things that shouldn't really matter as much as I make them out to. And then I think, but don't we all?

My heart starts to beat really fast and my palms get sweaty and then I just get a little bit more agitated than I should be when I find myself thinking about certain things. Most of the time it deals with trusting people, or making sure that I get this turned in on time, or remembering the order of upcoming events. Usually with the latter two is when I start writing things down, making lists so that I can see in a visual manner what exactly is happening. It never seems to turn out as bad as I convince myself that it is, so there you go.

But then I find myself not writing about the other things, the things that I once wrote about when no one read my blog except my aunt and some anonymous internet souls and I didn't feel the need to really sensor what words flew from my finger tips. Now I find myself avoiding writing about certain topics because once I write them, I kind of let myself move on a little bit and I don't want to necessarily have a conversation about them later. I mean, unless I start on the topic myself.

To get to the point of this post though, I realized something on my drive home from work the other day. It's probably something that I should have realized a long time ago, and maybe part of me did, but I never put words to it until recently.

Worrying about something that may or may not happen is a total and complete waste of time. If that something was going to happen anyway, spending time and energy having a great deal of anxiety about that matter isn't going to do any good for anyone. I have no control over it. None. Zero.

To back track for a second, I used to worry about PC all the time towards the end of our relationship. I would sneak into his phone and read his texts because I knew he was hiding things from me. I knew he was lying about things that he didn't want me to find out - and it mostly dealt with his feelings for other girls. I think what hurt the most out of that was the fact that he couldn't just man up and tell me what was going on - he kept lying to me. Saying things like "no, I don't like her like that" and "we're just friends" and then when I found out that wasn't really what was going on, I was devastated, That's when I finally just quit talking to him and promised myself I would never do that in another relationship.

Consequently, those feelings have followed me around. They tucked themselves neatly into this little dark corner of a dusty old suitcase and stayed put. When I was with SVI they never crept back up because that relationship was so not serious that I really wasn't affected by how he felt about other girls. But lately I have been struggling to keep those pesky little emotions in check. I find myself making small jokes about "don't hit on too many girls while you're out tonight" in order to get a little reassurance that I feel like I should be strong enough not to need.

But I found myself in the car on the way home from work thinking about what all I've gone through in life and relationships and how they affect me, and I came to this conclusion: there's nothing I can do about the actions of other people. I don't control them. Not like I try to control other people, I am actually a pretty laid back person almost sometimes to the point of annoyance, but I just let worries about the future occasionally bog me down.

So I decided something. I decided that I'm not going to let fear of being lied to control my life. If something is going to happen, no amount of my worrying is going to change that so why waste my time? Instead I just want to relax and enjoy the events that happen in my life. I have to relearn to trust people again, but even though it sometimes feels incredibly difficult, it's not impossible. And once I decided that, I felt a lot better.

Ultimately God is in control, whether you choose to believe that or not. It's sometimes hard to have faith in His timing or see why certain things are happening to you, but in the end it somehow always works out for the better. I seem to wrestle with trusting Him and trusting people a lot more than I should, but if I just let things go, not only am I a happier person, but things always seem to find a solution. It's not an easy walk, but always worth it.

the first weekend of the year

I'm not at all entirely sure what I should be writing about right now. My brain is full of a million different ideas, but some of them are bad, some of them would be poorly timed, and some of them are only half baked. So here I sit, in front of a large blank screen, with nothing but half planned posts and chocolate.

I suppose I could start off by saying that 2pm on Friday the 4th of January couldn't get here fast enough. It was bad enough that TheBoy was gone in the first place, and then there was stuff and things that made it all the more difficult to just sit and wait for him to come home. Waiting in anticipation for him to come back, I had that wonderful type of excitement and nervousness for an event that doesn't allow you to sleep for very long and minutes pass like hours.

But then it was 12:30 in the afternoon and I loaded my things in my little white car, hugged my momma goodbye and headed for the airport to pick up that sweet boy. I parked in a metered space and sat on a bench inside the airport, impatiently waiting for him to walk through the gate. Slowly people were showing up and meeting their families and I could tell they were on the flight from Seattle because of how they were dressed. You know what I'm talking about. Plaid shirts, slouchy hats, hipster glasses.

And there was TheBoy, black jacket, jeans, island-tanned skin, freckly face and the best smile. He put his arm around me and kissed me as we walked down to baggage claim to get the rest of his things. Can I just tell you that, boy, I don't think I've ever been that glad to see somebody.

We drove back to Moscow from the airport. He talked about his trip and about his family, a little of this and a little of that.

I'm having trouble gauging how much detail to get into, because to me the little things are the big things, but then I don't want to bore everyone to tears with an hour long blog post that no one wants to read in minute detail. But really, the things that make me like this boy so much are things that no one catches. The small quirks that are shared just between us.

Like the way he holds my hand in the car, or touches my head, or plays with my hair. He kisses my forehead and I just don't want to move when he's got me in both his arms and my head is resting just perfectly on his chest. I don't know if I should share those moments, or keep them to myself. But when he told me to write about all that I did this weekend, those are the things that are replaying over and over in my mind.

Maybe other people would write about the walks they went on, the games they played, the movies they watched - because we do all those things too. I was introduced to Hook this weekend - with Robin Williams and Julia Roberts - and I really liked it. T Lily was around this weekend too and brought with her all the whirlwind of emotions that come with reconnecting with your best friend after spending six months apart. She is the coolest, I tell you what. But in the end, I just write about the things that matter to me.

So this weekend was a lot of things, and if I had to pick my favorite part I don't think that I could do it. Maybe I would say there was a moment at a restaurant where he said something that I don't know if he knew he said it, but it's been stuck in my brain ever since. Or maybe I would tell you about how he plays his new guitar and something about the sound makes me feel lonely but connected at the very same time and I never want him to stop playing ever. Or maybe my favorite part is just being near to him.

Everything about this relationship surprises me. Nothing turns out the way that I think it will, which so far is a really good thing.

So there you go, that was my weekend.

well, here we are 2013

Well guys, we defied all expectations and made it into 2013 without all the fireballs and thousand degree temperatures those pesky Mayans promised us. And since we narrowly escaped death, ringing in the new year wasn't near as dramatic as I had hoped it would be. TheSeester, TheMechanic, Mom and I stayed up until midnight and clinked glasses of sparkling apple cider once the ball dropped and it was bed time.

We are an exciting bunch, I tell you what.

And now, pictures. Pictures ad nauseam.

My little Lottie girl. 

Night skiing on the last day of 2012!! 

These dogs. They are the awesomest.

 TheMechanic had himself a birthday while we were in Seattle, so we had a little family celebration once we were back home. TheSeester baked his cake and made the frosting and then I decorated it. That lucky kid.

And this boy comes home tomorrow. It has been three weeks. That is just plain too long. I miss him.