I have found that people are the most cranky in their early morning commutes to work or school or what have you. They are on the road, headed to their destination and their pre-coffee brains are the meanest. I have been flipped off four times in the last two weeks. When it happened again today I had a moment of self reflection.
Maybe I'm the cranky un-caffeinated driver pulling bone headed moves. But then no, that's not the case. Had the same situation happened later in the day the other driver would have reacted differently. Or not, I mean, if you're an angry driver you're an angry driver, and I would know.
I drive above the speed limit. Not obnoxiously though, but more like five over on a regular basis. I don't do 45 in a 25 or anything crazy like that. On a double lane road I will generally pass people who are on the bubble, say 33 or 34 in a 35.
And this guy was driving in the lane next to me, just behind me. He was far enough away that I could safely move into the other lane to pass the car in front of me that was going slower than I preferred to drive. So I flicked on my signal and pressed the accelerator in order to keep a safe distance so that I didn't end up cutting this other guy off.
So what does he do? He speeds up so that he's on my bumper and gives me the one finger salute. Usually I ignore that kind of response, but this being the fourth time in less than two weeks someone has flipped me the bird, I saluted him right back.
Honestly. Go drink your coffee and be a nice person.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
AUTUMN STUFF
It always takes me a long time to really accept that autumn is here. I like to live in denial because, hello, fall is crispy and I like things to be soft and warm. But once my tan starts to fade and it's chilly enough to break out the scarves, I actually really do like fall.
The colors of the trees, for one, are absolutely brilliant. The golden and red hues that the leaves paint themselves turn the season of autumn into a work of art. And then I end up pumpkin flavoring ALL THE THINGS. Except today I had a salted caramel hot chocolate after our photo adventure in the arboretum and that was an extremely good choice.
In the early mornings I find myself driving to work in the steamy fog that is typical of the season. Fog just makes everything eerie, and I kind of love that. Fall is a little spooky in general and the morbid girl inside of me secretly enjoys being just a little on edge.
Halloween, jack-o-laterns, bright colors, crisp air and an appropriate reason to drink apple cider all the time, if I must leave summer behind I'm glad that it's for fall. And even though someday I'd like to move away from this area, I am really glad that I live in a place where I get to experience all four seasons.
The colors of the trees, for one, are absolutely brilliant. The golden and red hues that the leaves paint themselves turn the season of autumn into a work of art. And then I end up pumpkin flavoring ALL THE THINGS. Except today I had a salted caramel hot chocolate after our photo adventure in the arboretum and that was an extremely good choice.
In the early mornings I find myself driving to work in the steamy fog that is typical of the season. Fog just makes everything eerie, and I kind of love that. Fall is a little spooky in general and the morbid girl inside of me secretly enjoys being just a little on edge.
Halloween, jack-o-laterns, bright colors, crisp air and an appropriate reason to drink apple cider all the time, if I must leave summer behind I'm glad that it's for fall. And even though someday I'd like to move away from this area, I am really glad that I live in a place where I get to experience all four seasons.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
A SHORT SPANISH STORY
writing prompt: you are moving to spain to start your life over
\\
Frantically I shoved articles of clothing into my suitcase. In the heat of the moment I didn't care what I was grabbing, just that I was grabbing anything at all. There was no way I could stay here any longer, not after the recent events that had just transpired in my life. My job was monotonous and relentlessly unpleasant. I had moved halfway across the country for this position, away from my friends and family and it had turned out to be the hugest of mistakes.
But hey, I'm young. I'll recover.
You might think at this point that I'm mindlessly packing my belongings to move back home with my family, but I assure you that's not the case. Oh no, you see, I can't go back there. I can't let them know I've failed. There's no coming back from that. So I'm leaving the country. I Johnny Paycheck'ed my job and now I'm free.
My plane leaves in a few hours; heading to Spain. I have no idea what I'm going to do there or where I'm going to live, but hey, right now, I couldn't really care less. I just want out. There's something incredibly liberating about this moment. The power at the end of my fingertips couldn't be more tangible. My heart is fluttering in my chest and I can't throw things in my luggage fast enough.
There is a song playing from my cell phone. Someone is beckoning me, but I'm ignoring it. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with whatever catastrophe is on the other end. Besides, feverishly packing my few important items is way more entertaining at the moment. I only have three hours before I'm seated on a plane next to a window awaiting a fresh start in a new country where I know absolutely no one and I don't even speak the same language.
Why did I pick Spain? Funny you should ask that. I threw a dart at a wall and that's where it landed, a very scientific process, right? Right. There's just something about living overseas that has haunted me my whole life. When I was little I dreamed about moving to Germany, never really believing that one day that could be a reality.
Well, after working an ultimately thankless job with no recognition, now is the time to make my move. I have nothing here tying me down; I have no obstacles to keep me stateside. I tell you, I've never felt more alive than I do in this moment right now.
My suitcase is becoming increasingly full and I have to sit on it in order to work the zipper. If it's over the 50 pound weight limit I don't care. One suitcase and two check bags later, I'm on my way out the door. Living in the city means I don't even have a car to worry about and forget the rent on my overpriced apartment. As far as I'm concerned, I'm never coming back.
Eleven hours later I'm standing in the middle of the Madrid airport. I have to stop and catch my breath. What am I doing? Is this really happening? I feel like Dave after Dentist. Is this real life? I pinch my arm. Yep, I'm in Spain. The air is warm, the people are beautiful and there is color everywhere.
Suddenly I feel like crying and I'm not exactly sure why. It's probably a combination of the fact that I'm very dramatically running away from everything I've ever known and the gypsy part of me that is beyond excited for a new life adventure. Yes, starting over is exactly what I needed. I take a deep breath, shove my tears back down my throat and step outside into the Spanish air.
New life, here I come.
\\
Frantically I shoved articles of clothing into my suitcase. In the heat of the moment I didn't care what I was grabbing, just that I was grabbing anything at all. There was no way I could stay here any longer, not after the recent events that had just transpired in my life. My job was monotonous and relentlessly unpleasant. I had moved halfway across the country for this position, away from my friends and family and it had turned out to be the hugest of mistakes.
But hey, I'm young. I'll recover.
You might think at this point that I'm mindlessly packing my belongings to move back home with my family, but I assure you that's not the case. Oh no, you see, I can't go back there. I can't let them know I've failed. There's no coming back from that. So I'm leaving the country. I Johnny Paycheck'ed my job and now I'm free.
My plane leaves in a few hours; heading to Spain. I have no idea what I'm going to do there or where I'm going to live, but hey, right now, I couldn't really care less. I just want out. There's something incredibly liberating about this moment. The power at the end of my fingertips couldn't be more tangible. My heart is fluttering in my chest and I can't throw things in my luggage fast enough.
There is a song playing from my cell phone. Someone is beckoning me, but I'm ignoring it. I don't have the time or the patience to deal with whatever catastrophe is on the other end. Besides, feverishly packing my few important items is way more entertaining at the moment. I only have three hours before I'm seated on a plane next to a window awaiting a fresh start in a new country where I know absolutely no one and I don't even speak the same language.
Why did I pick Spain? Funny you should ask that. I threw a dart at a wall and that's where it landed, a very scientific process, right? Right. There's just something about living overseas that has haunted me my whole life. When I was little I dreamed about moving to Germany, never really believing that one day that could be a reality.
Well, after working an ultimately thankless job with no recognition, now is the time to make my move. I have nothing here tying me down; I have no obstacles to keep me stateside. I tell you, I've never felt more alive than I do in this moment right now.
My suitcase is becoming increasingly full and I have to sit on it in order to work the zipper. If it's over the 50 pound weight limit I don't care. One suitcase and two check bags later, I'm on my way out the door. Living in the city means I don't even have a car to worry about and forget the rent on my overpriced apartment. As far as I'm concerned, I'm never coming back.
Eleven hours later I'm standing in the middle of the Madrid airport. I have to stop and catch my breath. What am I doing? Is this really happening? I feel like Dave after Dentist. Is this real life? I pinch my arm. Yep, I'm in Spain. The air is warm, the people are beautiful and there is color everywhere.
Suddenly I feel like crying and I'm not exactly sure why. It's probably a combination of the fact that I'm very dramatically running away from everything I've ever known and the gypsy part of me that is beyond excited for a new life adventure. Yes, starting over is exactly what I needed. I take a deep breath, shove my tears back down my throat and step outside into the Spanish air.
New life, here I come.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
TO DREAM A LITTLE BIGGER, DARLING
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong profession. For one, i'm a whopping 23 years old. And I teach high schoolers. Full time. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. I just graduated from high school what, like 5 years ago? What on earth qualifies me to be back here and in charge no less?
And so then sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. I'm the youngest person on staff. Everybody is married with children, mostly. I mean, there are a few of us floaters that are in committed relationships and marriage is looming on the horizon line but not quite here yet. And you know, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being the minority except when it comes to relating to your co-workers... But really, they are awesome and try to include me in things and drag me to lunch and ask me how I'm doing. It's nice.
But then there are bad days. Dudes, teaching is hard with a capital h. Yesterday was the roughest probably, in my history of teaching days (which is pretty limited, i mean, let's be honest). But still. You know what I did? I went home and cried and contemplated quitting my job and then I cried some more and felt like the worst teacher in the history of ever and wondered what the hell I'm even doing here and is this really what I want for my life? And Nathan was taking a stupid final for three hours and couldn't even text me back which just added to my already heightened emotions because I was lonely and exhausted.
It was gross.
Today things have been going much smoother and I don't feel like I want to flip tables and storm out of school anymore, so that's a definite plus to finishing out my Wednesday. But I still go back and forth in wondering if i picked the correct career.
Honestly, I love being in the classroom and working with students but there is a lot of outside work that just makes me crazy. They tell you to give it three years before you give up, but at this point in time I'm not sure if I want to. I fully reserve the right to let the remainder of the school year change my mind, so this assessment of my feelings is extremely tentative.
However, I have been thinking about what maybe I would do instead. Going back to school and getting my bachelor's in fine arts and then a master's in fine arts sounds like a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll really like it once I get there. I think I'm just enormously missing being a college student and the freedom that comes along with that - I felt like I could do anything while I was in school. The world was my oyster. And now I'm feeling a little...trapped, if I'm telling the truth.
Which scares me because I want to travel the world. I want to live overseas. I want to do something wild and crazy while I'm young and stupid. I don't want to be too scared to leave my job because there might be something better out there. I could go live in Italy and teach watercolor painting on the coast and go explore the Tuscan landscapes. I don't want to have things here holding me back. I want it to be okay for me to just pack up and go and do something extraordinary.
I don't want to be complacent and just accept my lot in life and never leave the road I've been travelling down. I want to go and experience life. In my heart is an urge to wander and I can't suppress it forever or it will kill me.
Look, I know I'm not a bad teacher, but we're all allowed to have bad days. And I know that I love teaching and that it's something I am good at. And I also know that my principal and my co-workers have my back, they're here for me to help me because they want to see me succeed. All I'm saying is that I have bigger dreams than being a high school art teacher for the rest of my life.
And that's a little scary, let's be real. But they say that if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.
And so then sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. I'm the youngest person on staff. Everybody is married with children, mostly. I mean, there are a few of us floaters that are in committed relationships and marriage is looming on the horizon line but not quite here yet. And you know, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being the minority except when it comes to relating to your co-workers... But really, they are awesome and try to include me in things and drag me to lunch and ask me how I'm doing. It's nice.
But then there are bad days. Dudes, teaching is hard with a capital h. Yesterday was the roughest probably, in my history of teaching days (which is pretty limited, i mean, let's be honest). But still. You know what I did? I went home and cried and contemplated quitting my job and then I cried some more and felt like the worst teacher in the history of ever and wondered what the hell I'm even doing here and is this really what I want for my life? And Nathan was taking a stupid final for three hours and couldn't even text me back which just added to my already heightened emotions because I was lonely and exhausted.
It was gross.
Today things have been going much smoother and I don't feel like I want to flip tables and storm out of school anymore, so that's a definite plus to finishing out my Wednesday. But I still go back and forth in wondering if i picked the correct career.
Honestly, I love being in the classroom and working with students but there is a lot of outside work that just makes me crazy. They tell you to give it three years before you give up, but at this point in time I'm not sure if I want to. I fully reserve the right to let the remainder of the school year change my mind, so this assessment of my feelings is extremely tentative.
However, I have been thinking about what maybe I would do instead. Going back to school and getting my bachelor's in fine arts and then a master's in fine arts sounds like a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll really like it once I get there. I think I'm just enormously missing being a college student and the freedom that comes along with that - I felt like I could do anything while I was in school. The world was my oyster. And now I'm feeling a little...trapped, if I'm telling the truth.
Which scares me because I want to travel the world. I want to live overseas. I want to do something wild and crazy while I'm young and stupid. I don't want to be too scared to leave my job because there might be something better out there. I could go live in Italy and teach watercolor painting on the coast and go explore the Tuscan landscapes. I don't want to have things here holding me back. I want it to be okay for me to just pack up and go and do something extraordinary.
I don't want to be complacent and just accept my lot in life and never leave the road I've been travelling down. I want to go and experience life. In my heart is an urge to wander and I can't suppress it forever or it will kill me.
Look, I know I'm not a bad teacher, but we're all allowed to have bad days. And I know that I love teaching and that it's something I am good at. And I also know that my principal and my co-workers have my back, they're here for me to help me because they want to see me succeed. All I'm saying is that I have bigger dreams than being a high school art teacher for the rest of my life.
And that's a little scary, let's be real. But they say that if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.
Monday, October 14, 2013
CLEFAIRY CLEFAIRY CLEFAIRY
So, this weekend.
I went to Moscow to see that man who I am loving more and more and more every stinking day. And we did a bunch of super happy fun things this weekend, too. On Friday we went out and lit up the town. We started at La Casa in search of margaritas, but holy goodness everybody and their dad was waiting for a table! Yikes! So we headed towards Applebee's thinking, really, who goes to Applebee's these days... but, yeah, no such luck. We waited for what felt like an eternity before two seats at the bar opened up (which was way sooner than if we had just sat in the foyer and waited for a table. goodness). And we followed up our Applebee's time with a trip to the downtown. I don't think we were home before midnight, and shoot. Sometimes that's just what you need.
Saturday we did a whole lot of nothing. Nathan made chocolate chip pancakes and we watched old episodes of Pokemon because dang, that boy is obsessed. Subsequently I have been going around the house saying "Clefairy, clefairy, clefairy" because. Pokemon.
We wrapped up Sunday with more Pokemon episodes and cuddling on the couch. Sundays are the worst, I tell you what. I hate leaving. Nathan always says things like "so, you're just gonna stay the whole week, right?" knowing that it is both exactly what i want to do and also completely impossible. Stupid job. It's like i'm an adult or something. Weird.
And now it's back to perspective drawings, typography, photo-a-day, and ceramics. It's also the week of homecoming, so spirit days. hash tag teacherlyfe. These kids are the craziest.
I went to Moscow to see that man who I am loving more and more and more every stinking day. And we did a bunch of super happy fun things this weekend, too. On Friday we went out and lit up the town. We started at La Casa in search of margaritas, but holy goodness everybody and their dad was waiting for a table! Yikes! So we headed towards Applebee's thinking, really, who goes to Applebee's these days... but, yeah, no such luck. We waited for what felt like an eternity before two seats at the bar opened up (which was way sooner than if we had just sat in the foyer and waited for a table. goodness). And we followed up our Applebee's time with a trip to the downtown. I don't think we were home before midnight, and shoot. Sometimes that's just what you need.
Saturday we did a whole lot of nothing. Nathan made chocolate chip pancakes and we watched old episodes of Pokemon because dang, that boy is obsessed. Subsequently I have been going around the house saying "Clefairy, clefairy, clefairy" because. Pokemon.
We wrapped up Sunday with more Pokemon episodes and cuddling on the couch. Sundays are the worst, I tell you what. I hate leaving. Nathan always says things like "so, you're just gonna stay the whole week, right?" knowing that it is both exactly what i want to do and also completely impossible. Stupid job. It's like i'm an adult or something. Weird.
And now it's back to perspective drawings, typography, photo-a-day, and ceramics. It's also the week of homecoming, so spirit days. hash tag teacherlyfe. These kids are the craziest.
Monday, October 7, 2013
LIFE AND THINGS
I would dearly love to be asleep right now. If someone came in here and offered to take over for the rest of the day and directed me in the way of a soft bed with a fluffy pillow and some nice blankets, you can bet I'd be sound asleep in less than five minutes.
My eyelids keep doing this annoying thing where they want to stay closed, which is really non conducive to teaching. I mean, it took me forever to convince my body that getting out of bed this morning was actually a good idea. And while I was awake enough to make it to school, I just sort of ran into this wall a little after eight o'clock where i didn't really want to do anything and walking was kind of a chore. It hasn't really improved since.
I think it's because of girl things that are happening to me and the fact that I had to do some yard work yesterday (which I normally don't mind) but you know, mother nature and things. Ugh. So today I am trying to move as little as possible and kind of wishing that someone would just send me home. It's days like today where I really miss being a college student and saying "eff classes today!" if I wanted to.
Being an adult is stupid. But so it goes.
Also, today is moving day! Hooray! Confetti! Neon flashing stars! I haven't packed anything!
I can't wait for the weekend to be here.
Is it Friday yet?
No, no it's not. It's time for one point perspective lessons and developing typefaces. And then it's time to move boxes and furniture before I finally pass out around 9:30 pm because I am grandma status up in here, yo. HA.
My eyelids keep doing this annoying thing where they want to stay closed, which is really non conducive to teaching. I mean, it took me forever to convince my body that getting out of bed this morning was actually a good idea. And while I was awake enough to make it to school, I just sort of ran into this wall a little after eight o'clock where i didn't really want to do anything and walking was kind of a chore. It hasn't really improved since.
I think it's because of girl things that are happening to me and the fact that I had to do some yard work yesterday (which I normally don't mind) but you know, mother nature and things. Ugh. So today I am trying to move as little as possible and kind of wishing that someone would just send me home. It's days like today where I really miss being a college student and saying "eff classes today!" if I wanted to.
Being an adult is stupid. But so it goes.
Also, today is moving day! Hooray! Confetti! Neon flashing stars! I haven't packed anything!
I can't wait for the weekend to be here.
Is it Friday yet?
No, no it's not. It's time for one point perspective lessons and developing typefaces. And then it's time to move boxes and furniture before I finally pass out around 9:30 pm because I am grandma status up in here, yo. HA.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
TO QUIT BEING AFRAID
Do you ever sit and type out a really thought intensive post and then end up being too scared to post it so it just sits in your drafts pile until you finally delete it because it may or may not be relevant to your life any longer and it just makes you feel a little too vulnerable for your liking?
Yeah, me either.
Ahem.
Okay, okay. So yesterday I sat and I typed out this really insightful post and then I didn't hit the publish button because my hand froze and my heart couldn't be persuaded. It just felt too open to me. And but didn't I start out that way on this blog? Honest and open and I shared too much and I cared too much. Those were the good old days, right?
Now I keep a lot more to myself. I don't document and I don't process and I don't journal publicly anymore. So then when I feel like maybe I want to, I second guess myself. And I hold back. Because I'm scared.
You know, I did this really dumb thing this year where I tried to make "courage" my word of the year instead of doing a new year's resolution only I don't think it worked. I've just mostly been afraid. Of change. Of opening up.Of saying yes. Of things. And stuff.
And I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being afraid to commit. Or to be vulnerable. Or to tell people how I feel or what I think. But I'm just not that person - I'm just not. That introverted person inside of me just takes over and it puts its little hand on my throat and holds my words inside.
I'm moving out of my parents' house next week and part of me is a little scared. Like I don't really want to leave, I'm going to miss it. And the other part of me is so ready to have my own space and my own bathroom. Yes. But who's going to pack my lunch now?
Then there's the whole drama of being open with other people. I don't have very many constants in my life, and I've found the cliche is true that all the people who said they'd be there left. Sometimes I was the one leaving, if the truth be told, but other times I felt a little abandoned. I don't really reach out to people, mostly because I don't know how and I always feel like I'm maybe bugging them.
And there's also the whole deal of feeling too vulnerable, as was aforementioned. Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to have said "We are afraid to care too much for fear the other person does not care at all." Well, shoot. Maybe that's exactly why I don't share my feelings.
I don't want to confess my heart to someone only to have them walk away without giving it back. I'm terrified of being forgotten or being unimportant or having no one care about me. I'm not sure what exactly this fear is grounded on either. I don't know where or when it started, just that it's something I've always dealt with. And maybe someday it will go away if I work my way over it, but only time will tell.
It's a very natural thing to experience fear. It's a very human emotion. You see it in every culture, it can be expressed on every face, and it is evident in every time period. But you can't let fear rule your life, or you will never live at all.
Yeah, me either.
Ahem.
Okay, okay. So yesterday I sat and I typed out this really insightful post and then I didn't hit the publish button because my hand froze and my heart couldn't be persuaded. It just felt too open to me. And but didn't I start out that way on this blog? Honest and open and I shared too much and I cared too much. Those were the good old days, right?
Now I keep a lot more to myself. I don't document and I don't process and I don't journal publicly anymore. So then when I feel like maybe I want to, I second guess myself. And I hold back. Because I'm scared.
You know, I did this really dumb thing this year where I tried to make "courage" my word of the year instead of doing a new year's resolution only I don't think it worked. I've just mostly been afraid. Of change. Of opening up.Of saying yes. Of things. And stuff.
And I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being afraid to commit. Or to be vulnerable. Or to tell people how I feel or what I think. But I'm just not that person - I'm just not. That introverted person inside of me just takes over and it puts its little hand on my throat and holds my words inside.
I'm moving out of my parents' house next week and part of me is a little scared. Like I don't really want to leave, I'm going to miss it. And the other part of me is so ready to have my own space and my own bathroom. Yes. But who's going to pack my lunch now?
Then there's the whole drama of being open with other people. I don't have very many constants in my life, and I've found the cliche is true that all the people who said they'd be there left. Sometimes I was the one leaving, if the truth be told, but other times I felt a little abandoned. I don't really reach out to people, mostly because I don't know how and I always feel like I'm maybe bugging them.
And there's also the whole deal of feeling too vulnerable, as was aforementioned. Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to have said "We are afraid to care too much for fear the other person does not care at all." Well, shoot. Maybe that's exactly why I don't share my feelings.
I don't want to confess my heart to someone only to have them walk away without giving it back. I'm terrified of being forgotten or being unimportant or having no one care about me. I'm not sure what exactly this fear is grounded on either. I don't know where or when it started, just that it's something I've always dealt with. And maybe someday it will go away if I work my way over it, but only time will tell.
It's a very natural thing to experience fear. It's a very human emotion. You see it in every culture, it can be expressed on every face, and it is evident in every time period. But you can't let fear rule your life, or you will never live at all.
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