Do you ever sit and type out a really thought intensive post and then end up being too scared to post it so it just sits in your drafts pile until you finally delete it because it may or may not be relevant to your life any longer and it just makes you feel a little too vulnerable for your liking?
Yeah, me either.
Okay, okay. So yesterday I sat and I typed out this really insightful post and then I didn't hit the publish button because my hand froze and my heart couldn't be persuaded. It just felt too open to me. And but didn't I start out that way on this blog? Honest and open and I shared too much and I cared too much. Those were the good old days, right?
Now I keep a lot more to myself. I don't document and I don't process and I don't journal publicly anymore. So then when I feel like maybe I want to, I second guess myself. And I hold back. Because I'm scared.
You know, I did this really dumb thing this year where I tried to make "courage" my word of the year instead of doing a new year's resolution only I don't think it worked. I've just mostly been afraid. Of change. Of opening up.Of saying yes. Of things. And stuff.
And I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being afraid to commit. Or to be vulnerable. Or to tell people how I feel or what I think. But I'm just not that person - I'm just not. That introverted person inside of me just takes over and it puts its little hand on my throat and holds my words inside.
I'm moving out of my parents' house next week and part of me is a little scared. Like I don't really want to leave, I'm going to miss it. And the other part of me is so ready to have my own space and my own bathroom. Yes. But who's going to pack my lunch now?
Then there's the whole drama of being open with other people. I don't have very many constants in my life, and I've found the cliche is true that all the people who said they'd be there left. Sometimes I was the one leaving, if the truth be told, but other times I felt a little abandoned. I don't really reach out to people, mostly because I don't know how and I always feel like I'm maybe bugging them.
And there's also the whole deal of feeling too vulnerable, as was aforementioned. Eleanor Roosevelt was quoted to have said "We are afraid to care too much for fear the other person does not care at all." Well, shoot. Maybe that's exactly why I don't share my feelings.
I don't want to confess my heart to someone only to have them walk away without giving it back. I'm terrified of being forgotten or being unimportant or having no one care about me. I'm not sure what exactly this fear is grounded on either. I don't know where or when it started, just that it's something I've always dealt with. And maybe someday it will go away if I work my way over it, but only time will tell.
It's a very natural thing to experience fear. It's a very human emotion. You see it in every culture, it can be expressed on every face, and it is evident in every time period. But you can't let fear rule your life, or you will never live at all.