Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong profession. For one, i'm a whopping 23 years old. And I teach high schoolers. Full time. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. I just graduated from high school what, like 5 years ago? What on earth qualifies me to be back here and in charge no less?
And so then sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. I'm the youngest person on staff. Everybody is married with children, mostly. I mean, there are a few of us floaters that are in committed relationships and marriage is looming on the horizon line but not quite here yet. And you know, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being the minority except when it comes to relating to your co-workers... But really, they are awesome and try to include me in things and drag me to lunch and ask me how I'm doing. It's nice.
But then there are bad days. Dudes, teaching is hard with a capital h. Yesterday was the roughest probably, in my history of teaching days (which is pretty limited, i mean, let's be honest). But still. You know what I did? I went home and cried and contemplated quitting my job and then I cried some more and felt like the worst teacher in the history of ever and wondered what the hell I'm even doing here and is this really what I want for my life? And Nathan was taking a stupid final for three hours and couldn't even text me back which just added to my already heightened emotions because I was lonely and exhausted.
It was gross.
Today things have been going much smoother and I don't feel like I want to flip tables and storm out of school anymore, so that's a definite plus to finishing out my Wednesday. But I still go back and forth in wondering if i picked the correct career.
Honestly, I love being in the classroom and working with students but there is a lot of outside work that just makes me crazy. They tell you to give it three years before you give up, but at this point in time I'm not sure if I want to. I fully reserve the right to let the remainder of the school year change my mind, so this assessment of my feelings is extremely tentative.
However, I have been thinking about what maybe I would do instead. Going back to school and getting my bachelor's in fine arts and then a master's in fine arts sounds like a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll really like it once I get there. I think I'm just enormously missing being a college student and the freedom that comes along with that - I felt like I could do anything while I was in school. The world was my oyster. And now I'm feeling a little...trapped, if I'm telling the truth.
Which scares me because I want to travel the world. I want to live overseas. I want to do something wild and crazy while I'm young and stupid. I don't want to be too scared to leave my job because there might be something better out there. I could go live in Italy and teach watercolor painting on the coast and go explore the Tuscan landscapes. I don't want to have things here holding me back. I want it to be okay for me to just pack up and go and do something extraordinary.
I don't want to be complacent and just accept my lot in life and never leave the road I've been travelling down. I want to go and experience life. In my heart is an urge to wander and I can't suppress it forever or it will kill me.
Look, I know I'm not a bad teacher, but we're all allowed to have bad days. And I know that I love teaching and that it's something I am good at. And I also know that my principal and my co-workers have my back, they're here for me to help me because they want to see me succeed. All I'm saying is that I have bigger dreams than being a high school art teacher for the rest of my life.
And that's a little scary, let's be real. But they say that if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.